Less insane than a cook, slighty more than a bus boy.

2012-01-26T13:17:00.001-08:00

YYYEEEEHHHHAAAWWWWWW

2012-01-01T12:54:00.001-08:00

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

2011-12-28T18:11:00.001-08:00

I'm realizing distraction is the death of belief

2011-12-27T01:34:00.000-08:00

It is 3:35 am where i am at. The night has crept up on me in a sort of timeless floating. It is an interesting state to be simply content and without any obligations. i'm growing fond of this.

I am growing fond of wandering, geographically that is. It is only a day after christmas and i have already had an interesting break. It has been one of those interesting breaks involving answers and still yet more questions. answers typically branch out two more questions, so, that is normal. in the past few weeks, more than anything, i am seeing more and more glimpses of what eternity is. mostly in that i am actually understanding on the emotional level what heaven is. The more and more bound i am becoming in eternity, since i am completely bound, i am more and more free right now. Not just in a sense where i am experiencing a sense of brief emotional freedom, that is included, but so much more.

You know when you are a kid and you eventually realized you can play outside the fence, see the woods, conquered the hoards that roam the woods as a knight, build massive kingdoms, and conquer even more? From that moment on, you only want to jump the fence and go onto build, conquer, rescue, and fight. The mental change i have been having is somewhat along that lines. I really have no desire to start a career, buy the house, raise the suburban family. I have no doubt i could, since i have done stranger things. The day you realize you are bound up in a perfect eternity, God loves you, and God is sovereign you have so much freedom to pursue what you want to do and not be bound up in the struggle for meager amounts of success that jive with the standard way of living.

There might be a reason why so many christians are crazy. think about how many missionaries give up everything just to tell someone something? What frees them to cut ties to everything to go just tell people a simple message? in the same light, i am not bound to a career job. why not have two, three, four, and even five in a lifetime? Mostly i just have an itch to travel, live, and enjoy other cultures and countries and i am realizing all the advice i heard all the years ago to find a job and settle into it is not terribly biblical. i am not advocating bad financial decisions, since i am finding ways to earn money with traveling. Think about this though, you have been given the freedom to pursue what you want to in a glorifying manner. I have started studying men who i look up to in the historical sense. G.K. chesterton, c.s. lewis, teddy rosevelt, churchill, and i am finding in both the intellectual and physical sense the things they pursued were often times considered odd by their peers and their response when questioned why they were doing what they were doing was, " why not?" i can't give a good answer other than intense freedom is an uncomfortable thing unless you are rooted in eternity.

it is now 4:04 am

2011-11-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

last night someone was asking me about spiritual warfare. given, i have seen a lot of things, talk to a lot of things, and i ended up asking to not talk about it. this was really odd, since normally anything that attests to the spiritual world and the reality of spiritual war fare i will talk about it without hesitation. i didn't feel led to talk about it with a few of the people around i was praying and just felt led not to talk and to let them no now was not the time. recently my concept and how i look at the entire nature of spiritual warfare. So, everything that is done is meant to attest to the glory of God in someway. when i have seen a lot of horrifying things and i realized i focused on the power of spiritual opposition and left it there.

i was reading through john 16 and one of the things that stood out the most was when jesus thanks his father for the power he gave him in his name. The most incredible thing is that we jesus's name and we are his brother. In revolation it talks about how every knee will bow to jesus and every mouth confess the power of his name. In the end, everything, except us. when things happen in spiritual war fare, even the opposition against jesus's kingdom will confess that jesus is king and will obey what is said in jesus's name. the amazing thing is not that we get to see the spiritual powers and the things outside of our concepts happeneing, rather that all these things are true and the spiritual world, that we are afraid of, confesses jesus's name. the power of jesus name is what should amaze us, since everything confesses jesus's name and sees the reality of this. the odd thing is, every confesses jesus's name, but not us. we try to rationalize the reality of jesus away, but everything that opposes jesus the most confesses his name. just kind of interesting.

2011-11-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

12 “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. 13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. 15 All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.”
The Disciples’ Grief Will Turn to Joy
16 Jesus went on to say, “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”

17 At this, some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?” 18 They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.”

19 Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

25 “Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. 26 In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. 27 No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. 28 I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father.”

29 Then Jesus’ disciples said, “Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. 30 Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God.”

31 “Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. 32 “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16

this passage has been brought to my face over and over in the past few days. i have been having bouts of doubt. I realize that the anxiety i have been having from worrying about how to deal with and when to deal with situations around me were not so much that they were overwhelming, but coming from the assumption that i am in control. the issue with being in control, what goes wrong, you are to blame. the issue with my worrying is that i am clearly not in control, that burden has been lifted. Even more so than not being in control, whatever we are facing, jesus promised that he already went before us and prepared the way for us.

There is an extreme issue with being in control, since we are unable to make situations perfect, we are unable to know the outcome of acting, we are unable to know. simply put, we can only know what has past, unless we are told by someone who has seen the future, what will pass. i am realizing, there are many things that we are called to, but primarily we are called to seek out God through the spirit and do what is right and there is little else we can do. simply, jesus is jesus. there isn't much, there isn't anything, else we can do.

At first, this made my anxiety worse, since i am unable to fix people i love when there are severe issues going on, after stewing on this, it became the greatest comfort, really. the end result of everything is jesus is king and we are his brothers sharing kingship with Him. now, with that in mind, there is still grief, there is still a need to grieve, there is still a need to mourn. however this does change how you see everything. if i really believe that jesus will reign supreme and every knee will bow to him, why does my fear render me incapable with worrying?

in the end, i am realizing regardless of what happens in the next few weeks, it doesn't change my standing with God . he still pursues me, regardless of my pursuit of him. he is not dependent on me. i am not in control of my relationship with god, really. in some ways i am, but in the end, he wanted me and pursued me without actually waiting on me for anything. he pulled me into himself and bound me to him. his love is no less aggressive now than it was then. that is comfort.

something kind of interesting i was just realizing, and here is a little context, i am at the point of emotionally snapping and loosing my ability to function for a bit, and one of the thoughts consistently crossing my mind is that i am hanging on by a thread about to fall. This is an ironic picture considering what i just talked about. I don't have to hold onto that thread, since there isn't anywhere to fall. HA! well, i do feel better after realizing that. The beauty of the gospel and what it does for men, it is fine, actually, it is encouraged, to allow yourself to face your emotions and reality and SNAP from it. Since in the end, living in honesty and living in touch with who jesus is only manafests jesus's glory all the more. Us hiding our sin, our guilt, and everything is simply us hiding Jesus's glory. If he bore all our sins, all our guilt, then we are not supposed to hide it. it isn't ours anymore to hide. Us hiding our struggles is us hiding how much of a conquerer Jesus is. He conquered what we can barely conceive in our minds and creating a kingdom we can barely see the plane it exists on.

2011-11-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

to clarify for me readers, i am single now.

so, the interesting thing about chrisitanity is it makes us completely free. the reasons why this is interesting is that we are completely free, yet almost universally when we embrace the freedom, bind ourselves. Christianity moves us to bind oursevles to weakest, the neediest, and the poorest. The reason why this is interesting is we are free to pursue, by our standards, what is the greatest and most profitable. The nature of the kingdom is upside down and reserve of what our standards are. We, gladly and rightly, use our freedom to deny what we are told is most pleasurable and most profitable.

I believe the nature of the kingdom is meant to be upside down, though. we are meant to pursue all these seemingly odd things. i believe we are meant to, since this is how we found our freedom, actually this is how our freedom found us. The nature of our salvation is so backwards, since the strongest loved us, binded us, to Himself. We have freedom, if there ever was a free spirit, it was paul the apostle. He traveled everywhere never even carrying what people thought, rather he just did what he knew was right and disregarded everything else. Where this is logically confusing is that he had a concept of right and wrong, but was completely free and chose to bind himself to the nature of a good God who uses his own freedom, as God, to bind himself to us.

I am free, i am free to masturbate, be drunk, and never deal with my struggles. However, even though i am completely free i have no desires to do this, even though i know it would be somewhat blissful and fullfilling right now. i think the nature of santification is the bringing of heaven into us in someway. Since i know there is going to be even higher pleasure in heaven than we have now or can understand now. I know the things i crave to pursue, for pleasure now, are not focused on what actually matters in an eternal perspective. any person who has just examined what we want to pursue has seen the futility of everything we pursue. it ends and so do we. so what is the point?

the beauty of being free, but bound eternally, is this frees us to enjoy everything we do. the simple act of working now has eternal weight in what it is. If there is an eternity then we have some purpose in what is going on now, since it does not end simply with the act of having sex, doing drugs, running from what hurts. it does not end there anymore. the freedom we have is fullfilled in being bound to eternity. The upside down kingdom frees us by binding us. True love is not free, it is bound. the more it loves, the more it binds us, freely. you are free to leave your wife and she is free to leave you in society, but the more she loves you, the more she is bound to you. Jesus is free to leave us, but he binds himself to us and the more we love him, the more we are bound to him. love is not blind, it is bound.

2011-10-18T21:55:00.001-07:00

I am halfway through the semester now. This semester has been a trip for me, since like most years, this year is completely different than the last one. As i get older, each year, there is more i am required to do in order to responsibly exist while in pursuit of something else. To update you on my life, i should probably list out what i am pursuing: Finishing up my degree, a recently started, as in 7 week ago, relationship, and looking into how to start a career in full time vocational ministry. Now, to explain how all this has been going and where it has carried me.

To start, my degree. I will be finishing up, hopefully, in august with my B.S. in Psychology. I graduated early from highschool and am graduating early from college. The issue i am running into over and over again is my age. most of the positions i would be able to go into with my B.S. are research based and that is the opposite end of what i want to go into. Straight out of college it is looking like i will be going to get my license as a child life specialist. Basically that allows me to work with children, particularly in hospitals, counseling, guiding, and simply listening and brokering their needs out. the starting salary is upwards of 30,000 a year. not bad for a 20 something guy with an undergrad. considering i make my way on 400 a month, this is a nice upgrade. Honestly, i do not give a damn about the money, but this makes me more capable to give, provide, and build community. i do believe that there are people called to make money so they can provide for Jesus's body, the church. Everything takes money and for one person to actually get into ministry, there is a multitude of people who need to support the one guy crazy enough to actually take on the role of pushing people to jesus and attacking anything that is driving God's children away from Jesus.

Next, the relationship. I am dating a fantastic girl named Ellen. I started of by writing her and now i am dating her. She give me grace and as much as she knows how, she takes care of me. Me being stubborn, as you know, red, i am not easy to take care of at times. well, all the time. Relationships take everything you believe and hold up a mirror to your face and screams, " do you really believe this is true?" The simple questions the gospel presents like: " who is jesus, what is grace, are you forgiven, ect" are all mirrored in relationships. I struggle with accepting grace, since i have been the worst of people. yet God has called me to serve. telling ellen i had been the worst of the worst was one of the things that stirred my insecurities and let them run rampant. However, that is one of the questions that i had to answer through confronting my disbelief and lack of application in the trueness of the gospel. I mean, ask yourself the question, " who am i to jesus. who does jesus say i am?" after answering that, tell me it does not change how you will act and treat your other in whatever relationship you are in. i do not believe you can say the answer you present does not change how you are in relationships.

finally, i finally stopped fighting God in the area of ministering. God finally broke me will and i agreed to go into full time ministry. i swore, from the time i was a small child, i would never minister full time. I swore i would not and fought for that. in the end, i realized everything i pursue passionately is serving people, preaching, and just telling the simple truths of the gospel, which can be summed up in screwing yourself and living for a much more beautiful reality that is given to us. everything else is so utterly meaningless and i loose interest quickly. Even in counseling, you are bound by a code of non-religious ethics and regulations your have to consider out the wazoo. I am not very good at living inside boundries. The physical manifestation of being given the world comes out in my climbing everything, jumping off of anything jumpable, and making the world my playground. The more emotional and relational side comes out in there is very little i think and will not say. Mostly, everything goes back to a spiritual root and mending the broken relationship between us and our father. That is a relationship that heals us as it is mending. A good pastor will guide you in accepting the absolute power of jesus and guide you to faith in the love of your father. that is true healing, since it stops you from focusing on yourself and points you to love someone else. ( insert tangent)

I have been confronted with my sin. In the sense of i am being forced to no longer look or live in my sin, mostly past, any longer. Look at your sin to be moved to repentance, but gazed, long, and strive to walk in and look at the face of jesus and forget your sin. He ripped your burden off your own shoulders and placed it on His body. Guilt is gazing at your old wounds and mourning, joy is looking at the shoulders of Christ and seeing how he carried your sin to its completion and has placed you as a son of the father, and a brother to the king. you are no longer guilty, you are now a justified brother to the king. you are now a son of the loving father.

Red, i posted this blog for you, since i haven't been able to write back yet. i want you to know how i am doing and it is regrettable i have not had time to write. i have barely had time to eat each day. you are my brother. so, there will be a time for me to write. do know, you are not forgotten, rather missed. dear brother, you are redeemed.

2011-08-25T19:34:00.001-07:00

There is a plea in my heart
it is screamed out in song
from every part
asking and crying, " how long"

how long, 'til i see your plan?
'til from this body i'm released
and before your throne i stand
to hear my father say,
" with you i am pleased"

There are days that i really struggle with depression. this is one of them. There is such an intense longing to know God better and just be with Him so i can see His throne, bask in his glory, praise Him, and know him. There is very little that seems worth anything when you are in a bought of depression, but the fascinating thing about Jesus is he constantly reminds me of how real life is, even in the midst of a depression. He reminds me of His grace, even in the darkest moments in my head, there is so much light i can still see. I have never had this type of hope in depression before.

Jesus grounds me in reality in my disconnects from reality in depression. Which is so amazing, since depression distorts everything you see to a point where everything has no weight and it is all completely meaningless. That doesn't happen anymore in my mind. God's grace and his love are so over powering. every scene and failure of this world really means nothing in comparison to the eternal weight of who God is and what His grace is.

I do long, i yearn to see my father.

2011-08-18T11:00:00.001-07:00

i have my second interview with seattle drip today! WOOT WOOT.

2011-08-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

i am joining the group of nerds now. I am a huge fan of comics that make jokes about video games i grew up on. HA. well, I am enjoying it. Old video games and calvin and hobbes are some of the highest joys in my life. Mario was my father. so, i mean, what do you expect?

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

The concept of an ebenezer is one i love, since it is such an amazing testament of God's faithfulness. Basically when samuel made a stone pile and named it ebenezer using the rocks at a reminder of God's faithfulness, that is great to me. My tattoos are ebenezers, since they are constant reminders of how far God has carried me and they contain stories of God's faithfulness in them. I just want to take a little time and write about some of the oddity and how god has been faithful in my trip to PA. To start, the only reason i got to come up to PA was because my boss at the coffee shop i worked at fired me the day before i got asked to be a wilderness camp counselor on a mountain in PA. Which is funny, since i had been praying that God would open up a way for me to travel north, since i had never been north.

Another area, i have been asking god to open up doors to get a motorcycle. well, the model of motorcycle i wanted was on ebay, almost brand new, and the auction ended since it was a hundred dollars out of my price range. my roomies and i prayed that if we were meant to buy the motorcycle we would be able to buy it outside of Ebay for 1100 dollars. that is the exact amount the man offered the bike to us for when i emailed him.

When i finally got to the camp i was working at i was pretty apathetic and focused on myself, since i was ready to be home, start looking for a job for the school year, get back to my home church, and my community. I wanted all these things for my own comfort in spite of i was hired to be a guide to christ to these kids. I wasn't trying to dig into the kids, get to know them, mentor them, anything. In the end, that didn't matter since God worked through me even when i was trying to work. After two days kids issues starting flooding to the surface, fights, heart breaking home stories, and pleas for God's grace all were happening around us. Every single kid we had, all 18 highschoolers, either asked for better understanding of who God is and what he has done for us or accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. All the staff broke down at atleast one point and our issues were flooding to the surface again.

in the process of leaving the ranch to head to Sam's house to pack it up, which is six hours away, a tire blew out and it was a new tire. And another new tire had a defective sidewall and was rippling. So, after a day of looking for tires, since everything was closed on sunday, we found a mechanic who said we had to buy five tires from him and a rim to get anything. The day before a guy handed sam and i sixty dollars to help out with gas, well, the mechanic asked for sixty dollars for the tires. sam and i were changing the tires on the rims, which is an ordeal when you only know half of the process. After thirty minutes of struggling in the shop, randomly an old friend of sam walks in and he worked in a tire shop for a few years. He just decided to walk in the shop to see if anyone was in there, even though it was closed.

Sam and i have a twenty hour drive tomorrow to get back to mississippi and we have two vehicles, since we are bringing sams truck down to jackson. We looked into getting a car dolly and it was going to cost $260 to get the dolly. that is double the cost of gas in my car to drive down. we decided to go into the uhaul store and just see if they could work anything out. before going in i said the max i could pay would be $140, ten dollars more than my original cost in gas. We go into the store, explain to the guy we want to get a dolly, but financially it didn't make sense to get a dolly that cost more than our gas. the guy looks at us and says, " how does $140 sound?" sam and i nearly screamed, since now we can tag team drive and not have to stop for rest the whole way down to mississippi.

also, I got a call back from an online application i submitted to a coffee company in jackson. The owner just happened to want to schedule an interview with me the day after i get back to town, knows my roommate, and a good friend of mine from church is one of his managers. so, we will see what will happen with the job, but everything in the past few weeks has been orchestrated to force me to see God's hand in my life. There really isn't any way around it, i am not in control of my life, but someone who plans things a lot better than i can is and God really does have my best interests in mind, even though loosing my job, tires blowing, getting stranded, all those things did not seem like they were good and in reality weren't great to happen, but there is a bigger plan in mind. God is faithful, and here i raise my ebenezers with gratitude, since God is faithful. these are only some of the things that happened. there are more, but i am long winded in this. so, with this i end:

" it is for freedom that christ has set us free. stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery" galatains 5:1

2011-08-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

This is possibly the best use of post-it-notes i have ever seen. Go france.

The week of wilderness paintball camp is over. It is kind of an amazing feeling to be done with it, since i can finally start the long journey back home. It is an odd thing being homesick, since i have never had a place that i missed or wanted to go to, since i have never had a home before. Jackson has quickly become my home, though. Since i long to go back and see my house, my friends, my routines, all of it.

Wilderness camp: basically, we had the dream team of counselors, since we all knew each other and had worked together before and we all have the same focus. on top of that we had the dream team of campers for the most part. For the first two days i did virtually no work and had very little interaction with the campers and i was just being apathetic. then we had a fight break out between two campers on wednesday afternoon. That was basically a doorway to getting into the real issues into their heart and then we had more fights break out and more and more and more heart issues coming out and more and more and more opportunities to tell them about jesus and confront some of the kids as their christian brothers, which was incredible. This was a wake up call for me, since i was just cruising through this week of camp without really going into any depth with the kids, i didn't want depth. in the end, god was going to do his work regardless of how i felt or what i wanted and he did. The most incredible moment was after a morning devotion two kids who were open non-chrisitians talked to a counselor and said they wanted to talk to their aunt about becoming christians and they wanted to accept jesus into their life. it was increible to see God work through us like that.

To change subjects, what about joy and passion? i feel like a lot of us, including me have lost our joy and passion in the christian life. what i mean by that is like when paul tells us to be prepared to give an answer for our hope and joy. how often do you or i get asked from people why we have so much joy or hope? I have experienced that incredible joy, since i went through most of my life not seeing color. I struggled with depression to the point of where i could not see color. when all that changed is when i started to realize how much i was forgiven. a year and a half ago i had messed up really badly and it took several months, but God compelled me to accept his forgiveness. After that, i saw color for the first time. it is the most amazing thing to see a tree actually be green instead of being a shade of grey. The reason why i bring this up is we all have such sin focused lives that we forget to look at grace. we forget, i forget.

Living in guilt, in the end, is selfish. All sin, past, present, and the ones we have not done yet are paid for. We tend to focus on our sin, make a list of our top five struggles, and work on those struggles. i am all for that, but in the midst of working on this, we forget to look at grace. What are our top five ways we express and receive grace? logically if we are focusing more and more on christ we are going to sin less, and i am a guilt ridden person who struggles to accept that he is forgiven. I am though and the future grace Christ will give me when it is time is huge an amazing thought all the more. To be straight, this isn't a license to sin and if you see it as one you have never felt what grace actually is or actually seen your sin nature.

In the end, this gift is such an amazing joy in my life. I have found one thing and only one thing that i deserve: death. Everything beyond that is grace and i have been given eternal life, perfect body and being in heaven, and forgiveness here. I can't help, but grin ear to ear right now. This is amazing grace indeed. for every look at sin you take, take 20 looks at our amazing grace from jesus.

2011-07-28T05:32:00.000-07:00

17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
-ephisians 5:17-20

A lot of these thoughts are from a random chapel speaker at a summer camp i am at. Credit to him. The thing that stands out to me in this is that paul, in episians, over and over again talks about " finding out what pleases god, what his will is, ect" and then follows up each one of those commands with, " always give thanks, live in thanksgiving, ect." So, if we are to search out the will of God and then commanded to give thanks in everything i think the two are pretty closely tied. i heard this and then thought, " i'll start giving thanks in everything." in less than 24 hours i realized that this is going to be a lot harder than i thought. I was supposed to have the afternoon off here and ended up working until 8 at night throwing hay bales. side note: i do feel much more manly after throwing 1500 bales of hay. a few hours into throwing hay bales and stacking them and not even being halfway done i have the worst attitude in my heart. I was grumbling in my heart with things like, " i am not even supposed to be here, i am supposed to be off, ( insert self centered thoughts about what i deserve) " then there was another staff member, one of only a few not grumbling who just says, " you know, i really couldn't care if this takes all night and into the morning. we're helping this farmer out. so, it's all good. we're in ministry right now."

Hearing time speak those words, each one was like a brick hitting my heart, since he lived out every bit of what he said. Yeah, i have to work on giving thanks a lot more. Since, in the end, i am learning about what i deserve. The one thing, the only thing i know i deserve in life, and i can say this with no doubt in my heart, is hell and separation from God. Anything past that is grace given by God, since anything except hell is not what i deserve. In the process of throwing hay and getting blisters and migraines, that is still a blessing from God. It is all a blessing.

In the end, my purpose, your purpose, God's will, is for us to work for His kingdom and work on expanding His kingdom and combat satan. We are in a war and we are serving a king, King jesus. We are members of His kingdom and we are meant to spread the joy he has given us and spread the eternal community we are in. It is not just to show people something better, but also to make people aware of what we deserve, hell, and what we can have through a gift, Heaven. Something i would ask you to pray for me and for yourself is for God to challenge you and me to see things in an eternal perspective.

it is raining today and it is a glorious rain.

2011-07-27T20:39:00.001-07:00

They think I'm churchy, they think your boy a lame
Yeah, I live for Jesus, I'm unashamed
They talking reckless what you expecting from a walking dead?
You try to give them life, they want that death instead
But 1st John make it clear what they wanna hear
Here go that overdose, gon' stick It in they ear
I got my prescription, It's all-consuming
*Eat His flesh, drink His blood, Holy Communion
I know the Truth is hitting home like Barry Bonds
Yeah my God runs the streets like a marathon, yes
I'm a believer, yes, I rep the Kingdom
They ask me where to find the Lord, they ain't never seen Him
Homie God ain't got no longitude and latitude
He's on another level you can't put a ladder to

-lecrae

2011-07-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

There are a few things God has been hammering on my heart. well, more than a few. a whole lot. Mostly it has to do with specific issues dealing with my pride, arrogance, intolerance, and how much i just love to flaunt myself. So, um, yes. with that, lets delve into my crap.

I am at a ranch in PA right now, a pretty extreme conservative ranch. I have worked with people from this ministry off and on for about three years now and they have all been whole hearted servants of jesus and i have always been judgmental in my heart towards this ministry. There are some legalistic people here, there are are people who have never been in the world and have no idea what it is like to minister to people who have been hurt by people who judge in the name of jesus. However, i realize i judge judgmental people. I judge, shun, and alienate people that i think will judge me or non-christians. This is the worst response ever and one that is horrifically sinful and a smear of the gospel. Yes, they may not love like they're supposed to, but i am so sinful as well. In response to their sin, i sin more, and even before they do something, i assume motives in their heart and sin against them before they have done or said anything.

This is an absolute horrible representation of christ's love for the church the members in the body christ rules. Regardless of their sin, regardless of my own and how right i may think i am, my testimony, more so than actually loving non-christians, is my love towards my christ bound family ( john 13). The most compelling witness is one done out of love and the staff here, inspite of what i think is a legalistic approach and they thing i live with too much liberty ( both of us are probably right) we are meant to love without fear and neither of us are living outside the bounds of the bible in our beliefs, but my own pride gets in the way of actually building relationships with people who are stricter in their beliefs. hmmm, yeah. i am sucking at the whole unity of the body jazz.

The beauty is they have been more accepting and more loving then i expected, since i didn't really expect an atmosphere of love and honesty. reality is these people, however odd i think a lot of them are, are honestly serving jesus and trying to expand his kingdom, teach the gospel fervently, and make disciples. Which is exactly what i try to make my life about. funny how that works. It's like they worship the same God, exist in the same body, and life with the same spirit in their heart that i do. Oh...yeah... we're brothers. It has been so convicting being loved by the ranch and seeing how wrong,how sinful, and wrong my heart has been for so long.

I also have began to realize i like to flaunt my suffering. when i am struggling, i mean, i am good at getting through stuff and enduring really rough times, but i love to flaunt how i endure things, how i can get by with nothing, and i manipulate people for attention and pity when i am struggling so i can make myself a saint or a man being killed for a cause. We aren't meant to flaunt suffering, we're meant to count all things a joy. not to be a person disillusioned with reality and just blow everything off, but i do believe suffering is god's mean of sanctification, which isn't a pretty process to go through. However, what do i place my affirmation in? what do i place my security in? Guy's typically, when going through identity crisis's, which may last for only a few hours or as long as weeks, turn to porn, lust, and masturbation as a way to affirm ourselves when we loose our security. No joke, when guys loose track of what they place their security in we will start to lust more intensely and loose the desire to fight sin. However, i am learning more and more just how intensely my identity is in Jesus as my King who saved me from the wrath of God and brought me to my father.

With my identity growing in my king and as a fighter for His kingdom, i am realizing all suffer, all things good and bad, are for Jesus's greatest glory and God's greatest good for us. With this said, Jesus never bragged about his suffering, he never flaunted it, if anything he hid it. We are not meant to be miserable creatures suffering in poverty and depression, but working towards something, just miserably doing so. As another christians, i want to challenge you to ask yourself these questions: " what do i enjoy and what do i do when i am most insecure?" the reason why is when we truly begin to find what gives us joy we will begin to see so much more of God. God created us to expand His community and bring Him glory. With that, with live in an eternal slavery where we are dead, unable to enjoy and connect, wallowing in sin. God didn't like that, he hated it, so he tore himself apart to save us from His perfect wrath that we deserved. Then, on top of God taking our punishment, God reached into the grasp of hell and pulled me into His freedom. I am free to enjoy things, i am free to live, to create, to love, to pursue, and to worship. I think if you find what you enjoy you will find how to further know God, since he is loving, wrathful, just, and gracious. the great thing is, inspite of my sin, God sees Jesus's record as my own and takes me in as his son, as rulers with Jesus. If that doesn't want to make you fight and live, nothing will.

To see God's holiness in a new way each day; i see my sin in a new way each day. God is the image of perfection and the more i see of perfection the more i see my sin because i begin to understand more and more what sin is by seeing what perfection is. It is a painful process, since i am sinful and God is perfect. Please pray for me to fight with a crazed passion for what the kingdom is, i learn to love and serve the body instead of judge and be bitter, that the kids that i am about to work with will be opened, and that God will continue showing me sin while showing me equally how much grace i have been given and how much more i will be given.

that was long winded, but Jesus does a lot and makes me talk alot. he also makes me get all giddy like a little kid again. I am giddy right now.

Fight.

2011-07-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

I love paint. i love my kids getting to paint me. This was a normal day for me. Basically my summer was epic all the way through and it isn't done yet.

Before-the-sun-comes-up thoughts from Ella: "Hey, Dad, when you live under a rock, the dirt gets in your eyes." that two year old is already dropping the truth.

pretty normal day for me. breakfast with my RUF minister, brother is asleep on a cot in the kitchen, driving to PA to work at a survival camp in a few hours. Yeah. it is better than average. it is pretty epic, however strangely normal. Jesus must really love me, since i am really seeing His gifts everywhere.

So, something jesus has really been working on in my heart is the love for His church, which i am in any christian is supposed to be in. There are so many books coming out, at kind of a disturbing rate, calling a person to pursue an individual jesus and stop living in the church. I have a lot of weight set into the saints of old, because they suffered more and from their writings have such a deeper understanding than i do of who God is and their relationship with Him is one i long to have. I want the deepness they have. I am not a revolutionary, i don't really know if we really have any revolutionaries among us in the realest sense. A revolutionary is a person who completely overthrows something and puts something else in its place. I don't know if we can be revolutionaries, since everything, according to solomon, has been done already. regardless, i am not really in an overthrowing mood. Reform, probably, but overthrowing is really complicated and i am lazy.

The Church’s one foundation
Is Jesus Christ her Lord,
She is His new creation
By water and the Word.
From heaven He came and sought her
To be His holy bride;
With His own blood He bought her
And for her life He died.

She is from every nation,
Yet one o’er all the earth;
Her charter of salvation,
One Lord, one faith, one birth;
One holy Name she blesses,
Partakes one holy food,
And to one hope she presses,
With every grace endued.
- the church is on foundation

i hear over and over again, " the church has issues." yes, it does. so do you, so do i, along with your mother. We all screwed up sinners and the church is a whole bunch of screwed up sinners coming together to live in community. so, you have a whole lot of screwed up people coming together. Should we really expect anything else? all my work places, school, job, and boy scout troops have issues and are extremely difficult to work with and cause strain and hurt. more importantly though, i am realizing just how important the church is. paul talks about how the church is the body and jesus is the head and how we are to have unity in the church, but i really don't see much emphasis on a lone ranger mentaility of me and God. actually, i don't see it at all. jesus went to gathers that were organized, worked in communities, paul set up organized churches with leadership authority inside the churches he was founding, but he never set out to make a one person church. I am finding more and more just how much God commands us to live inside community and work inside a community he has established and died for. It's kind of a big deal.

the church is jesus's bride, it really is, and we are in it. Jesus was willing to die for his bride, the church, and we are hesitant to live inside it because of, in comparison, petty concerns. Staying in the church is rough, i have my issues with the church ( actually a lot)however, that doesn't really matter, since jesus did die for the church. The end in my mind is i cannot rationalize away that jesus died for his bride and the form that the church is in now is the institutional congregations we have around. I cannot save the world from any ill, i cannot save the world from any great social concern, but i do know community changes from the inside and starts with my heart. I do know that i can complain until i die, as can you, and not change a thing. the more convicting thing is to serve to the best of your ability and actually give a damn about people and convince them through your testimony and actions that there is merit to what you say, since my changed heart is more of a testimony that my theology. We rarely argue about the love that lives in us, but we sure will argue over when we let someone go through baptism or confirmation.

I am pretty sure there are bigger issues than when, where, and how people gather to worship, since we are meant to be in a community of believers, loving each other as jesus has loved us ( john 13) so people see our love for each other and knows that love is a sign that jesus lives in us and we are following him. I cannot worship with a community alone in the woods, i cannot worship with a community and sing praises at a starbucks, everything is worship, but not everything is worship in a community of believers. this summer has been huge in my life, since i have learned just how much the holy spirit flows and works through Jesus's church. I guess it really makes sense, since if you're existing inside the body you are going to find the head, jesus. Everything in our body eventually, in someway, is controlled or connected to our head. If you want to find jesus in a new and stronger way, exist in the body and pray, pray hard, that god will put you in a place in the body and show you himself in the body. the scary thing is he listened when i prayed this and answered it. i used to be the biggest opponent of the church, but am learning everyday how much i NEED the church and can't actually exist in a healthy spiritual state without the church. the church's primary purpose is to proclaim, grow, and exist in the eternal gospel of Jesus. that there is an eternal consequence to our choice to live in this gift of grace offered to us, there is a war going on right now over our friends, family, and our children and the world they will be in.

basically, go hard. It is a war and jesus is God who died and rose. He lives, and that is reason enough to go hard to the point of insanity. i am not a revolutionary in the sense where people say they are revolutionizing christianity and making it an individual pursuit, but i am a revolutionary in the sense that I live in daily defiance of what satan's kingdom demands. We really are in an all out war fighting against the harshest and most evil of all slaveries, an eternal slavery. The purpose of God's kingdom is to take people out of this slavery and move them into freedom. This might be why stories like william wallace ring so true in our soul, because we were designed for freedom that Jesus gives us.

pardon the choppy writing. i am going 48 hours with no sleep at this point and have another day to go before sleep can greet me.

2011-07-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

so, i think the thing that i learned the most of over the summer was humility and love for fellow believers. i have always struggled with accepting christians who were judgmental, which is ironic, since i am struggling with judging judgmental people. I grew up being judge by christians because i took the gospel seriously and i got rejected by christian communities for that. For years i have responded by not showing the grace i was given back to them. One of the things i am learning is just how much i am forgiven constantly. i am a sinner and i still sin. I require constant forgiveness, since i am prideful and i think that i have all the answers. I don't have all the answers, the ones i have are from seeking jesus's face and when he has shown me my failures and pulled me out of my failures and into living in His successes.

Week five i quit having my prayer times, i quit reading my bible, i quit seeking jesus in my relationship with kids. i was not a counselor, i was not a mentor, i was a facilitator. i did a good job and my kids had fun. Kids do not need the cool counselor, they do not need an awesome time, these are good things to have, but they need to see jesus and need his grace just like i NEED that. i ended up taking my kids aside and apologizing to them, since on the last day of camp i got a huge wave of conviction from jesus that i had not been representing jesus, but myself the whole week. I pray jesus used me that week, but i wasn't seeking Jesus that week. it was a huge dose of humility that i really do require forgiveness, i really do need forgiveness to live. The grace my kids gave me was contatgious, since they had no hesitation to forgive me, i don't think most of them noticed. However, grace is like a dance: you will never really understand why people smile and keep dancing until you jump in the dance. from the outside, it makes no sense, however from the inside you never stop dancing. living in a midset of grace, living in the grace of jesus is what keeps me going and gives me joy, since it is a gift. I not only am taken from hell bound, better than acceptable, i am given the status as a king. a son of god, i am family with god.

people may have skewed views of freedom, people may disagree with me. regardless of what someone does to me though, how i treat people should not be dependent on what they do to me. in the end, everything we do is meant to glorify and work towards the expansion of God's kingdom. that is my life's purpose and how is my rejection of someone, how is my anger towards someone, how is my fear, lack of courage, timidity, and lust expanding God's kingdom? it isn't. We are meant to love without fear. My bitterness towards anyone is not loving and it is not loving without fear. On top of that, in john 13 jesus gave his disciples the command to love one another as jesus loved them so people will know that they were his disciples. that is the mark of jesus, a community based on selflessness and love for one another. It doesn't say with any exception of conservitism or liberalism. just love other believers as i have loved you so people will know i am a disciple of jesus. bam. i don't do that. i need to.

lastly, jesus really does love me. there are nights it is so clear that god really does listen, there are times when life works in such a manner that i know jesus really did die for me, god really does love for me, and the holy spirit really does work in the hearts of people and myself. the promises God made really were true and he really does live them out. God is faithful.

and a poem i wrote over the summer. to explain a few things: the bitter end, in the literal sense is when on a sail boat you reach the end of your rope and it is slipping, since you will have to risk your life to get that rope back to control the sail. that is why people use it to talk about their lives and when they're at their end. Also, have you ever realized jesus is the ultimate thief? we were in satans hands bound for hell and he reached in and took us out of his grasp. He filled satans hands with himself, since sin's punishment really is to be put in satans hands, to die, separate from god, and live in the hand of satan. Jesus stole us from satans hands and filled out place with himself. with that said, here's the poem.

when you reach the bitter end
you fight to gain and inch
as you struggle against the wind
and pray not to flinch

we think we’ll win
we think we’ve never lost
and but we never saw out sin
or understood its’ cost

i never had a chance
since i was bound for hell
and could only see heaven in a glance
i was predetermined to fail

we fight and still drift toward our death
until a man talked about a gift
from a man who committed the ultimate theft

hell had it’s hands wrapped on humanities ship
guiding us all into its’ depths
while quietly whispering past sin, guilt, and shit

hell hands had to be satisfied
a man, a god, filled hells hands
so we may be justified
and fulfill his secret rescue plan.

2011-06-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

week two down. that nearly killed me... in a pretty wonderful way. this week was the most difficult cabin i have had in several years of being a counselor. there are so many kids who haven't had a chance to be loved, so many kids who haven't actually had a chance to hear and have the gospel explained to them before and actually seen the gospel acted out. I think this was probably one of the most rewarding weeks, but one of the harshest. There are a lot of kids who are in a cycle of not being loved, it is like they are spinning in a circle, over, and over, and over again and when you are actually desiring to love them you step in the middle of the circle and all the momentum of how they are used to gaining attention, dealing with stress, and how they live life slams into whoever decides to or is placed in their life to love them.

When they're in the circle running around and around it hurts to watch all the ways they're looking for pleasure and how much is is hurting them. The selfishness and how it drives people away, the anger and how is makes them frustrated, the lusts and how is numbs their ability to feel joy... all of it. Then realizing the only reason why i am ever able to feel, to give, to deal with people in love and not anger is because Jesus chose to love me, he chose to pull me out of where i was so determined to go, straight to hell. It wasn't just that i was at neutral and jesus decided to let me be put on the good side, i was supposed to be in hell, supposed to be separated from God. In god's love, he decided to make a way where He could pull his son out of hell and back into Himself. This cabin may have been the worst one i have ever had, but it is such a joy to be able to love the kids who haven't been loved. they may have hated me, some did, but everytime they stood against me, every time they tried to drive me away... that is a chance to show that you have a love in you that doesn't fear. Your love isn't like any other love, it doesn't go away, it doesn't give up, it doesn't love with fear.

philippians 1:20, to quote oswald chamber, paul is saying give your utmost for His highest. That we are to completely surrender our will to Him so we can live completely for our fathers glory. 1:21 paul makes clear that death itself cannot stand in front of himself and trying to do God's will. i am learning the only way for me to really serve God is by faith, extreme faith. hebrews 11 is so powerful in what faith is and how it looks. we are meant to be extreme in how we are to just give up what we want and go. Abraham just left everything and didn't know where he was going and he went. If you have ever gone out to do something like this? when you give up everything and go out like this there isn't any explanation for it. there is no logic behind it that actually makes sense. Trying to love these kids is a very small way i am trying to go out like this. It doesn't make sense to keep being loving to them, but i know that my Father loves me and i am meant to love these kids.

i have started reading through My Utmost For His Highest by oswald chambers. i love this devotion and the way Oswald puts it is you have no idea what you are doing, but you know God is going to keep doing it and he knows what he is going. If i actually believe in a miracle working God, i am going to go out and sacrifice what i have and surrender my will to Him. I am learning that God is a miracle working God, He is a very loving father, and has more of a heart for the lost than i do. I ache and hurt over peopel i know and love who don't have the relationship i have, since they haven't felt the peace i have. I try to save them, but i am realizing God loves them more than i do and loves them better than i can. I have to love them only with love God funnels through me, since i can't love the way i am supposed to, the way God wants them loved. I struggle with what they go through and why they're suffering only because i can't see His perfect plan and how much he loves them and how he is working out his perfect plan of salvation in all our lives. Like a child who hates his time out and can't understand why his parents are putting him in a time out, i can't understand why God is letting so much suffering happen, but i know my Father is loving. Like a child i am learning to pray boldly and bluntly, since God is that powerful and does work miracle. Like a child i am learning to love without presuppositions and conditions. Like a child, my Father loves me, since i am His son.

2011-05-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

i struggle to be content with where i am at and with the positions i hold right now. mostly with not having an explicitly leadership position at my job right now. honestly i don't know why, since i never expected to have a leadership position here, by name atleast. the strange thing is that even if i had a leadership position, i wouldn't be doing anything different than what i am capable of doing as a ordinary staff memeber. i am struggling to actually follow jesus and how he was a servant leader. he was God, but didn't consider that something to be held above anyone, rather he stepped down to our level for us to serve us. I am in a position to be a leader at my job, since i have been here for four years, i know how things work, i know the stuggles most of the new staff are going through and i can so easily reach out to them, make them feel accepted into the community, love them and help them love their campers, but i am struggling to be social with any of them. There isn't any reason to not be loving to them, except my own pride.

The major issue in my heart that i have been wrestling with is trusting, fully trusting, and knowing that god knows all, planned it all, is merciful, and loving in everything. i can see His mercy through my own struggles easily and i have no issue trusting God in pain and death i see that affects me. i know what i had to go through to reach a point where i could know God. What i struggle is seeing the pain in other peoples lives that i had to go through, the despare, the hopelessness in their eyes... i struggle to know God is merciful in their lives. i want to save them, i want to change their life, but that isn't my job. i am meant to love them with a love that over flows from my life, not save them. Show them i am loved, i am forgiven, i am freed through grace and live in the future grace i haven't even expereinced yet. This is the same sin that adam and even commited, wanting to be God. wanting to know and have his power, i am still struggling with the first sin. I know God is loving, i know he wins, i know he loves me, but i struggle to know he loves everyone. Holy spirit, please make gods love real to me, not just in my life, but in the people that surround me.

If i fully understood the magnitude of jesus's death, i would be able to see his love better for all of humanity. A strange thing though, if the people in jesus's time had understood who he was, they wouldn't have killed him. they would have been screaming and begging him to explain why they had to kill him on that cross. The people would have been weeping as jesus explained it was because of them he had to die, weeping as they had to stab his died, nail him, beat him. They would have burried him a kings death and wept for three days waiting for him to come back. it would have been a strange twist if we all fully understood who jesus was and why he had to die. I want to understand in a deeper place in my heart why jesus died and why he had to. i pray i do.

God is good, God is loving, and i know he constantly shows mercy, there are a thousand tender mercies everyday in my life. i just want to learn to take those to heart in a more deep way. God does love us, he does love you. This is something i am learning every day and want to continue to learn every day i wake up.

2011-05-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

God loves me, He offers love to us. He does more than offer when i do not accept, he forces me to be loved, as i fight it. After i accept his love, after i live in his blessings, i become angry at God for the suffering. The strange thing is, God invites us to reason in our anger with him.
" come now, let us reason together." Isaiah 1:18a The context is God telling isreal their sin and to turn from it. In their rejecting him, God asks them to come and be reasonable, talk to him about why they're leaving him, why they are turning to other Gods. the only person who invites questions is the one who knows he is right, the one who sees through all the arguments. God knows he is the best thing out there and that no one can love us and give us what he can. The thing i find in my own heart, i see this in our culture as well, we keep our complaints against God silent and cram our emotions down, since they must be ungodly. Emotions are scary, anger is scary, us living in fear and numbness is scary to confront and be honest with ourselves about. God invites us to argue with him, in the most literal sense.

David, in psalm 88, vents, accuses God of cursing him and leaving him and isolating him to be taken advantage of, but then in psalm 89 David praises God for his love and saving him. God praised david above most anyone else in the bible and david was by no means an honorable religious man in the way we see men of God in our culture. David was imperfect, sinful, and committed horrible crimes that he had to deal with before God and men. The thing that is beautiful about David is he is an example of God's mercy and love. He loved david dearly, he blessed him, and one of the most beautiful things about david is not what a leader he was in the conventional sense, but he was transparent before God. This something i know is hugely lacking in my life and hugely lacking in the church.

One of the things that is hurt first by us not being honest is art. Art is so connected to our soul, it is a beautiful bridge between our relationship with God and expressing it in poetry, our work, traditional art, dance, music. It is such a taste of heaven. Beautiful movies, heart wrenching novels, are such an amazing bridge between heaven and earth. These suffer dearly when we aren't honest, since no relationship can thrive in dishonesty, not even a friendship and not our relationship with God. There are areas we wall off, there are whole stories we hide from God to keep him from redeeming, weather in shame, guilt, or pride, we hide. Love is fearless, since christ went into the job of loving us with no fear of what would happen. he hurt, but he wanted up to the hill to be killed and go to hell for us. Good art is fearless, since it involves actually putting yourself out for people to see and love or mock. The church and i are both guilty of hiding from God and hiding while in front of men. We hide ourselves and we do not display beauty, we aren't honest with our struggle, christ says he chooses the weak to work in, Christ is shown in our struggles and in other peoples struggles, when they're honest to me about them, i grow, i am encourage, i see christ more. the best poetry i have ever written was while i was torn up over what was happening, but it is also the times i saw christ the clearest.

After art, community is ruined by dishonesty and never admitting our struggles to a community. Brotherhood is ruined by talking football for year after year, community is ruined when we slap a mask of a smile on our faces to hide our pain, so we can suffer alone, without people. The body is where jesus said he would be, this is where he told us to live in, the church. The church is where we are most dishonest because we are more concerned with our own image, our own pride, our desire to no longer need God. we strive so hard for self made independence that we cut people and god, the person who actually loves us, out.

these are all things that i am completely guilty of, this is why i see them, since i am a person who struggles with these sins. I am praying and trying to break the cycle of masks and dishonesty, since God invites us to be honest with him. To start, god, i don't know why you chose me, i don't know why you haven't chosen my brother yet, i don't know why my childhood friend has a terminal blood disorder, i don't know why my parents don't see you and get to live a comfortable lie, i don't know why my older brother has mental issues and cannot feel your love, i don't know why you chose me, of all people, to love and heal. What i do know is this: you love me, you adopted me, i am your servant, i am your son. you have been faithful to me and given me a thousand mercies until i can feel mercy no more i am so overwhelmed and broken by your love. You have blessed me with jobs, a dear, dear, community of brothers, you have given me family, you have given me grace and a purpose to live and die in. This is more than i could have asked for my portion, you are my love, you are my god. Please work through me, show me my sin, make me struggle through my bitterness and come out on the other side of it, make me cling to jesus, since i am prideful. Just love me...and i know you do.

2011-05-14T22:26:00.000-07:00

God, i know you are faithful, but eff it, this really hurts.

2011-04-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

3 This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all. The hearts of people, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts while they live, and afterward they join the dead. Ecclesiastes 4:3

People on the top of the financial world say the issue with society is people on the bottom being lazy, people on the bottom say the issue is with greedy people on the top keeping the little man down. I am realizing, both are absolutely true. The minimum wage world is incapable of supporting a family. Minimum wage isn't meant to support a family and the only way you can actually get a job above minimum wage is to either do internships or know someone in a business. You can break out of that with an incredible amount of work, but it is near impossible unless you're a drive person who is slightly crazy. On the top, the cost of living is going up so much every year because of people looking for ways to earn more money. Replaceable parts in cars, appliances, and most everything are becoming virtually non-existence. in the 70's the deconstruction of appliances began with several manufacture made their goods too fixable and durable so people started buying less, since everyone fixed what they had. There were engineers hired to basically make expiration dates on machines so people would have to buy more later, this expanded the market, but made living more expensive.

Cars are progressively made to where it is near impossible to work on with every year they're intentionally made more complicated and more expensive to replace parts. The issue with this is that it is unsustainable. The amount of imported products that almost immediately go to the dump is impossible to keep up. There are two sides of the financial spectrum heading towards each other that eventually will hit head on causing a massive, essentially, explosion. Both sides are completely true, people who control the cost of manufacturing are greedy and milking people for profit and a lot of people on the bottom really are lazy and not seeking a way to break out of the sad cycle they are in. There is a spiritual crisis on both ends causing this. On the top there is a rampant greed looking out how to benefit themselves and on the bottom they are looking for a way to benefit themselves without actually working. Neither end is more to blame than the other.

In politics, they look at gas prices, cost of living, and the welfare state and blame all of it as the issue. They say, " once we fix these issues, it will be fine." the problem is we don't need good laws to restrain us from evil people, we need good people to restrain us from bad laws, since once you loose god, government becomes the messiah we look towards, since it is the next most tangible power you can see. You begin to place your hope, you life, your salvation in this massive legislative system that is never going to actually be able to produce a salvation on this earth. We are pointing everywhere saying this or that is the issue, when in reality the finger points straight at us, since we are allowing a madness to brew in our hearts increasing our greed. Government policies are created by men, created by you, by me, by the culture we perpetuate. Salvation and change in this earth comes when our hearts are changed, transplanted, by Jesus and for once, we can point the finger at ourselves and genuinely begin to change what we love, what we pursue. For the first time life will not be about us, but about giving a sacrificial love we are filled with.

In our hearts is a madness that is going to grow, we are going to seek how we can benefit ourselves before our hearts are changed. We will never be satisfied with it, since it is all a game of gaining more money, sex, and status. You are either dealing with reality or numbing yourself to stay out of reality and your heart. The game will numb you until it all shatters and you have all of reality sitting on you and you're suffocating and loosing your sanity.

14 There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: the righteous who get what the wicked deserve, and the wicked who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless. 15 So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.

16 When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe the labor that is done on earth—people getting no sleep day or night— 17 then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it. Ecclesiastes 8:14-15

Basically, i would go insane, kind of like solomon did, since he saw all these things going on around him and he resolved that it was all absurd and you just sit through it until death. The thing i don't really think he understood, since he asked for wisdom, not relationship with god, was how everything we do has weight in eternity. I see all of this, but am mostly powerless to change it all, but my portion is enjoy what God has given me, do what i know is right and try to change what i can, but this is all in God's hands and i am willing to do whatever he sees fit for me to do, but that is all i can do. God is sovereign and i am willing to play whatever part he wants me to, that is my lot, that is my portion. my salvation is in him and that is enough.

2011-04-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

God seems to love irony and seems to work his peculiar plan of redemption in my life through a helluva lot of irony. I am at a point where it is healthy to start to try and figure out a general direction of where you are going in life. Marriage and family counseling, bam, right? basically i realized, since i am graduating so young, i am going to need to take a little time off inbetween masters and college, since by the time i got my masters i would be 23 and who wants to see a marriage and family counselor who is 23? not me. I started praying a few months back that God would start guiding me in what i needed to do and where to go. basically, the only place in my heart i was not willing to go was explicit ministry. I couldn't bring myself to, since of my past, growing up in a pastors home who was abusive, growing up in a church that you were shunned for honesty and excommunicated when you came for help, i couldn't. i have always stayed in the church and tried to change myself so the church would change and figured that would always be my place, since that was all my heart was willing to be, i thought that was all i could be.

Well, God answered a lot of prayer and kept on hammering me with, " yo, you gonna be in the ministry. you also going to be working in the church, foo!" aside from being weirded out that Mr.T was talking, i kept praying wondering if this is actually where god wanted me. well, hell, it is. i never wanted to possibly put my family, my kids, in a situation even remotely similar to mine. I worried for my family, since i do believe if you are working in a visible branch of the kingdom, you are putting yourself out there for a stronger spiritual attack. But, as a guy pointed out, that is a selfish reason and not trusting god's sovereignty. if God is going to put me in something, he is going to provide for me as well. money, i couldn't careless about, i have always been poor, but the idea of possibly putting my family in harms way spiritually horrifies me. however, God is in control, and if this is where he wants me, he will provide just like he always has and always will, since that is what he does.

redemption comes in so many weird ways, for me, the one place i said i would never go, explicit ministry by name, is where god is wanting to continue my story of redemption apparently. my RUF minister pointed out, basically, ministry is the process of shepherding and loving people, essentially building community. I have been praying for almost those exact things to be given to me, for god to use me in those ways, and i think this is part of God answering those prayers, since being in the ministry, i would basically be doing the exact thing i am doing now, but on a larger scale. loving people with a love i have been given and shown. redemption is a weird story for us all, for me, it is basically being given the heart to pursue what i swore i would never pursue. At this point in my life, where he has taken me, nothing else really makes sense for me to pursue, nothing else fits my desires for life at all. i want to glorify God, enjoy what he has given me, i want so badly to redeem the name of the church and the name of jesus. i dunno how else to really do that than to literally wear the names on my life. God uses so much irony to show his redemption.

2011-04-12T23:19:00.001-07:00

This is the end of my show, this is the end I know

I can't perform no more (eh eh)
Can't fight this war no more (eh eh)
I can't endure no more, all ashamed and pain
I'm feelin strained and can't go on this tour no more
I'm so tired of this tight rope walk
Homie I might go psycho my life's strung off
Eh it's the rest for my soul can this mic go off
I ain't steppin on the stage tonight, shows off

This is the end of my show, this is the end I know
I know these chains had me trapped for a while
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile
I need a Saviour ta crack through the clouds
Shows over gotta turn my back to the crowd
I know these chains had me trapped for a while
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile
I need a Saviour ta crack through the clouds
Shows over gotta turn my back to the crowd

I can't perform no more (eh eh)
Can't run this course no more (eh eh)
I been tryna keep up this image to let em see that I'm different
I'm slippin and this is stuff that I can't ignore no more (they trippin)
Can't let these tears hit the floor no more (they trippin)
Because of fear I can't (afford?) no more
Is it a lie what I've been, tryna hide all my sin 'n
Imprisoned and can't no one open the door no more
Tired of tryna be righteous, got my world dark
Like somebody hit the light switch, I don't know where to start
Cause I really don't like this, it's heavy on my heart (nah)
Somebody get me out this crisis, my pain is off the chart (please)

This is the end of my show, this is the end I know
I know these chains had me trapped for a while
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile
I need a Saviour ta crack through the clouds
Shows over gotta turn my back to the crowd
I know these chains had me trapped for a while
Don't know when I last relaxed with a smile
I need a Saviour ta crack through the clouds
Shows over gotta turn my back to the crowd

I can't perform no more (eh eh)
Can't do these chores no more (eh eh)
I'm feelin like I'm sick, it's silly so I quit
That's it, I just can't try to please the Lord no more
Cause really I'm sick of tryna make Him like me more (you feel me)
Cause every day I got a fight in store
I'm guilty so when I play I never like to score
No good in me n I'm sick of my plight I'm poor
They told me homie (whaa) the Christian life is better (word)
But they said to be holy n perform for His pleasure
But now I'm feelin torn cause the Lord is my treasure
But I fall and feel scorned when I can't get it together
But then something clicked, it's crazy I ignored this
But even when I slip, this ain't based on my performance
Christ was equipped, ran a race with endurance
When His flesh was hit, His righteousness was my assurance (yea!)

I know dem chains had me trapped for a while
That's in my past, I relaxed in Him now
Christ my Saviour He cracked through the clouds
Did it perfect, listen to the claps from the crowd
I know dem chains had me trapped for a while
That's in my past, I relaxed in Him now
Christ my Saviour He cracked through the clouds
Did it perfect, listen to the claps from the crowd

This is the end of my show, this is the end I know

2011-04-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

pray for your heart to melt and it will.

2011-04-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 63
The LORD’s Day of Vengeance
1Who is this who comes from Edom,
in crimsoned garments from Bozrah,
he who is splendid in his apparel,
marching in the greatness of his strength?
"It is I, speaking in righteousness,
mighty to save."

2Why is your apparel red,
and your garments like his who treads in the winepress?

3 "I have trodden the winepress alone,
and from the peoples no one was with me;
I trod them in my anger
and trampled them in my wrath;
their lifeblood spattered on my garments,
and stained all my apparel.
4 For the day of vengeance was in my heart,
and my year of redemption had come.
5I looked, but there was no one to help;
I was appalled, but there was no one to uphold;
so my own arm brought me salvation,
and my wrath upheld me.
6I trampled down the peoples in my anger;
I made them drunk in my wrath,
and I poured out their lifeblood on the earth."
The LORD’s Mercy Remembered
7I will recount the steadfast love of the LORD,
the praises of the LORD,
according to all that the LORD has granted us,
and the great goodness to the house of Israel
that he has granted them according to his compassion,
according to the abundance of his steadfast love.
8For he said, "Surely they are my people,
children who will not deal falsely."
And he became their Savior.
9 In all their affliction he was afflicted
and the angel of his presence saved them;
in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;
he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.

there are some of those days where you just aren't sure what is going on. you ask where is god, what is going on, does god really know what he is doing? all the struggles of people you're close to and helpless to help. my heart is confused, no idea what is going on inside of me, my brother has major health issues, dad has cancer, family is torn, school, money, jobs. bleh.

then i remember that jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, since today has it's own worries. so, yes. today, i need to eat, sleep, study some, pay the electric bill late, pray a lot about tomorrow and sleep. tomorrow, it is about the same. i don't know what tomorrows holds, but i can pray about that. other than that, God said to manage what we have well and to glorify and enjoy him. so, i go bridge jumping and have a smoke with some close friends.

sin is rampant, there's a lot of death and pain, but i have to be reminded over and over again of my place. I'm not in control of life and not responsible for saving people, it is my place to try to be a vessel of love. If God uses me or not is up to him, but i am supposed to be willing.

In the end, a few things i know, God loves me and has a plan that i can't see the in's and out's of and i pray to see them and he usually shows me in hindsight. I am still learning to trust, since i am a person who naturally doesn't trust, but i am learning that my plans usually aren't that great in comparison to what he has in mind for me. my life isn't where i planned, it is much better than i could have imagined since i never knew what i really wanted. I am loved and god has a plan. that is enough for me to hold to, that is enough for my portion.

" but you are out father,
though abraham does not know us
or israel acknowledge us;
our redeemer from of old is your name"
isaiah 63:16

2011-03-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

it is raining in the street
everyone runs to avoid getting wet
but i walk slowly to wash the darkness off my feet
the rain does nothing because the darkness is set

i scrub with rain
until my skin grows raw
it does nothing
since my skin is stained

i am disfigured by efforts to clean myself
pained to see what i have become
i lay in the street in a pity puddle for self
i break, screaming, " o come, o come"

before long the depths of hell will open
but i hope to be saved
made clean and unbroken
someone come conquer the depths of my grave
o come, Emanuel, o come again

still in my pity
heaven breaks open
for the first time light shown on this city
and my eyes are finally awakened
the heavenly light burns more than any claim
as it washes my darkness away
now hell no longer has a claim
nothing to give or take or anything to say

a god man came down with the light
and walked in the street with us
he told me not to worry,since my body will return to dust
to use my new sight and find what i trust

i asked him why i had never seen before
he said the light was always around me
but my eyes aren't darkened anymore
only with broken eyes can you see

the man said it was time to go
he had somewhere greater to be
then he said, with a radiant glow
i am preparing a home for you and me

2011-03-29T22:57:00.001-07:00

this is a story i wrote for class. I had to write a historical fiction story based in the cold war. so, i did.

This is the story of a relatively average man in height, weight, and moral stature. However, this man would soon become a hero to the people. This man is not terribly adventurous, however, every day he walks for hours inside the “Do not cross” line in-between the berlin wall and West Berlin. This is not done out of some sense of adventure or for possible escape, rather this is the job of a government brick shiner. In order to keep morale up without actually changing anything, the government at least tries to keep the wall looking somewhat decent, which requires quite a few brick shiners, since there is quite a bit of wall to shine.

Today, Dimitry the brick shiner walks out of his relatively small apartment near the Berlin wall to find a hole put in it where people had escaped the night before. Upset by the sight of the hole in his previously well-kept wall, Dimitry quickly ran to the nearest phone and called a maintenance crew. The maintenance chief picked up after a few too many rings, possibly fifty or sixty. “Hello, comrade Vieske’s speaking, you have reached the united communist maintenance department… how may I help you comrade?” Dimitry, still flabbergasted, yelled, “There is a hole in my wall! And it looks TERRIBLE!” Comrade Vieske, thinking this was a joke, hung up the phone and resumed reading his favorite comic strip, Andy Capp. This comic stripped was banned in Soviet countries, but a fellow comrade also enjoyed the witty dialogue of the lazy Andy Capp and had been sneaking comics in for the past several years.

After regaining his mental composure, dimity began his day of brick shining. Planes began to fly overhead to drop supplies west of the wall due to the supply block the soviets had been putting around West Berlin. Dimitry usually enjoyed singing his favorite songs to himself and occasionally during a smoke break learning popular communist dance moves that were all the rage back in Stalingrad. Today was an unusually distracting day and Dimitry was pondering world events that were weightier than his usual subject of thought. He found himself wondering what the outcome would be of this great conflict that had been going on for a number of years without any real fighting between the east and the west. Dimitry quickly realized it was not his place to doubt the outcome of the Union, so, he continued brick shining, but sang louder to try and cover up the noise of the planes.
After a long day of brick shining, Dimitry returned to his modest apartment to listen to CNN, the Communist News Network’s evening broadcast. After hearing of the thrilling expansion of the Union, and how the western ideals of capitalism were failing, and the miserable western civilian populace that was oppressed by the democratic governments in the west, he was strangely happy. Being reassured of the superiority of the Union and its living conditions, there was no longer any doubt in his mind about the outcome of the world. Then he realized: “This is the government channel.” The implications of this tremendous realization were interrupted when he also happened to realize that his eggs and ham were burning! Stalin would be ashamed if a comrade wasted the luxury of eggs and ham that were given by the people’s government! After the news and supper, it was time to sleep and rest for another day of work, serving the glorious people’s government!

Dimitry woke to the of screaming, yelling, and the sound of his fan catching fire, which was completely unrelated to the riot taking place in the street next to his apartment, probably faulty wiring, however no one will admit that the Union is incapable of making fans that last like the fans of the west do.

Dimitry quickly looked out his window after screaming a bit from burning his hands while throwing his night stand that had caught fire from the faulty fan out his window. This however, was a very consequential mistake. The riot going on beneath his modest apartment, in the not-so-modest year of 1953, were small parts of a large chain of riots going on across East Germany due to the government not paying employees when production quotas were not met. The riot saw this faulty flaming fan and night stand going into the streets as the action of a not so average rebel! The riot police quickly figured out which apartment the furniture came out of and moved to arrest Dimitry. From now on, Dimitry’s days were no longer very average and in the eyes of people he was a not so average man anymore, but a signal of rebellion and hope. Screaming and hurling flaming furniture into the streets became a way to show your defiance, to show you are not passive; this became a symbol of freedom and this is how Dimitry became a hero to the people.

2011-03-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

another day without a cigarette. sadly enough it is raining, which was my favorite smoking weather. however, i am going to go buy some pipe tabacco and hoping that'll satisfy cigarette craving.

5 The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.
proverbs 20:5

something i have noticed in myself is that when i am allowing myself to be so busy i don't take time to reflect, i tend to forget who i am. not in the sens of i am sonny gunn, 5'11, 170 pounds,blonde hair, blue eyes. rather, everything that comes before you, you forget how to deal or cope with it in the ways that you know are right. decisions seem impossible, everything in uncertain even when it really is not that complicated, depression sets in, and i forget who God is.

honestly, i think it goes back to just remembering who god is, since in the end, i think it is against my nature to want to remember that, to want to admit how much i need him, but i know it is all true. i do need him desperately need him. when you're restless, alot of times i think it is less of being in a mood to move and get things done and more of a mood of being scared of what your thoughts and ideas are. If you aren't in a pattern, a routine, of being honest with yourself and god, your thoughts are a scary thing.

i think satan uses us not confronting things in order to build up small things into big monsters so we are never really sure what to do so we will live lives of fear, instead of the boldness we are called to. living in the present, living in what is actually true instead of dabbling in possibilities and in what is, is so much simpler, since none of actually know how possibilities are going to work out or even where our desires will be tomorrow.

today, i am tired, somewhat exausted really, ready for the semester to end and to leave jackson for a tad bit.

2011-03-21T14:18:00.001-07:00

there are no good prank callers anymore.

also, i am on day one of quitting smoking again. for about the fifth time me thinks.

2011-03-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

life really is about finding what you are obsessed with. There is a progression we are all a part of and we start with ourselves and what brings enjoyment. notice when you watch middleschoolers hanging out for the first time, it is all about who can get the most attention. our obsessions, our addictions, begin with our self. I still smoke, i tried to stop and did for awhile, but what it boils down to is that i haven't found a reason that makes me stop yet. when i am craving a cigarette, what is a bigger craving that makes me fight the nicotine desires my body has now? porn, lust, masturbation, self obsessions with my image, and popularity. those were hard to stop, but easier in the long run, since i know how they affect my relationship with jesus and how it really is an effed up priority to have an addiction to any of these terrible things. it truly boiled down to i knew i was loved by my father above, jesus was in me showing and working that love in me, and that was a greater addiction, a better satisfaction, and i wanted that more than the other things. In the end, i didn't have a choice. Jesus was more real and than anything i ran to, it was the only real thing i experienced.

Idols are something that are everything. Relationships are near impossible to keep from being idols, for me, soccer, school, and work are idols that i struggle with. I used to be one of the best at soccer, the best worker, and the best student. i live in those reputations, that was me. i was defined as the goalie who never got scored on. i played a professional scottish team and stopped every penalty kick. i was 16 at the time and playing in professional leagues and that was all there was to me. what woke me up and why i slept was to play soccer better, to show up to work on time, to make the best test grade in my class. all those things were taken away from me with time. as a kid, the identity crisis that happens make you wonder why you exist.

i think all idols, in the sense of what we are making our highest addiction are in a way, trying to find validation, our purpose. we are always looking into ourselves, in trying to put something in us that makes us better. guns, fights, and sex makes guys thing they're the biggest thing since coffee and cigarettes. the thing is, the most counter intuitive thing we can do is where our true identity is found. Not in us. in the end, none of us can vouch for our own character. you and i, either have been or are something we are hiding from others, since there is something in us saying we are not what we are meant to be. that is just what human nature is saying to us. you can't get around that we are going to fail people we love, since they know us, we are going to fail them.

Time does not bring healing, it does not change things in us for the better, but love does. i screw up, i fail, i am a messy person who has his shit. the thing that is interesting, christianity isn't about me. it is about accepting grace, and accepting a relationship. Living in relationship with someone that loves you in spite of you. The heart of sin is control, becoming our own god. if that comes out in rebelling and making up your own rules or following everything to save yourself. they are both making you your own personal savior that you can't be. in the end, you can't save yourself, but it isn't about you, it is about someone else saving you.

2011-03-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

" whoah. these kids...they're naked and climbing the refrigerator" -mary palmer

17my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18(Y) so I say, "My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD."

19(Z) Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
(AA) the wormwood and(AB) the gall!
20My soul continually remembers it
(AC) and is bowed down within me.
21But this I call to mind,
and(AD) therefore I have hope:

22(AE) The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
23they are new(AF) every morning;
(AG) great is your faithfulness.
24(AH) "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
(AI) "therefore I will hope in him."

25The LORD is good to those who(AJ) wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26(AK) It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27(AL) It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke(AM) in his youth.
lamentations 3

so, i think this is kind of the guide book to how to mourn and grieve. There has been a lot of death around my friends, my church, and my community recently and it just seems like chaos so much of the time. then i remember, the world is cursed with sin and sin can't create, it only distorts, making chaos. there isn't much of anything we can do to fix that, but with christians, when they die, it still makes sense, because the curse was broken, jesus became our sin and broke death for us so death is actually coming to our true life, our true home, my true family.

A friend of mine hung himself last week. he was an atheist. it really just seems like chaos. he isn't praising jesus in heaven, he won't be in heaven with us, he is dead and separated from God. life is full of things that make us seem like we are chewing gravel, since it just doesn't make sense why there is gravel in our mouth and why we have to chew it. i mean, chewing gravel sucks. i haven't tried, but it is thoroughly disgusting sounding. and sadly, that is life as it seems.

there are a lot of things though we aren't called to understand. i am not called to understand everything, rather accept that God is sovereign. Since, well, he is and when you accept that in every area, it redefines your thinking. It doesn't always make the pain easier, you still mourn, but with a purpose, you still hurt, but there is reason. Jeremiah wrote that he calls to the front of his mind God's unfailing faithfulness and that is why he has hope. there is no way jeremiah could see why his whole country had to be ruined, oppressed, and scattered. However, that is how history had to go to lay the foundations for jesus to come and die.

Fortunately, i am not in control and i do not understand all ( or even most) things. Some how God was there, since he says he was, when tyler hung himself from a tree, somehow he was there when my churches worship leader was killed in a car crash. i dunno how, but in the end, God says he is working all things together to redeem the world. some how, in both small and large ways, these are pieces that jesus is using to put the world back together, slowly, but it is a piece or redemption and God's glory.

2011-02-28T10:09:00.000-08:00

" we smoke the same cigarettes and use the same pens."
quote of the day.

2011-02-23T22:35:00.000-08:00

best line from a rap, " i get the party jumpin' like tiger, but now i'm pooh-in"

2011-02-18T07:53:00.001-08:00

Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.
-- Pooh's Little Instruction Book

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.
-- Pooh's Little Instruction Book

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
-- Pooh's Little Instruction Book

i love pooh bear for several reasons. i enjoy it as a kid, since they are heart warming tales of a dumb bear, dumb friends, and a whole lot of loving community between piglet, pooh, and christopher robin. I read the stories now and i enjoy them for the same reasons and a few added reasons. There is so much wisdom put into dumb words. I see the usefulness for big words, complicated theology, and long essays on a simple topic. God is an unfathomable being, but he has a habit of reaching down to us when we have little understanding and the heart of the gospel is simple, powerful, and radical. The heart of sin is distortion and complication. satan can't create, the only person who can create is God, he is the only source of anything new and unique.

"The simplification of anything is always sensational." - gk chesteron

the start of growth and the end of it begin with the same thing, We are loved and given grace that we can never know the fullest. No amount of theology or doctrine is going to make you grow an incredible amount, rather the a-z of growth is, and always has been, the gospel. Jesus sacrifice, planned by the father, so we may have a father and home we never had, is the gospel. that is how we begin and that is what we are called to when we die.

2011-02-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

2011-02-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

so, the things i enjoy most are usually under five dollars. the things most people enjoy i really couldn't care less for. usually a 19 year old college student is pretty caught up in drinking, sex, and something self glorifying like that. i can hold my alcohol better than most people and chug faster than most any guy, but i really could not care any less about that. i think the thing we long for most is home, a place where basically they have to take us in when we return and they take us in lovingly. in general family vacation spots and places where people know they are loved bring peace and a sense of healing to people who have experienced these things, just the thought brings peace to people. i think that in the end we are seeking recreate some form, a remnant, of home. When you think of it, half of the obnoxious things we do are for other people to notice, acceptance, social standing, in a strange way it is about creating a place where we are loved.

in the end, i know where my home is and i know when i will be there. i know a little of what it is like. the closest thing to home i have here, the remnant, the hint, that is on earth is family. Building a relationship with God, since home is unity with Him for me, loving people and enjoying life and what he has given me. that is the closest thing to home i have and those are the things i enjoy the most and long for the most.

the first home for humanity was the garden of eden. God and man walked and talked in a way that showed a deep relationship. After leaving eden there was a barrier inbetween us and God. the final and permanent removal is when we are finally sent to our real home, in heaven, the new earth. The things i crave and try to pursue and the closest remnants of home i can pursue on earth and that is why i pursue them.

2011-02-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

the heart of sin is not breaking a rule, rather it is creating a distance in a relationship. keeping the law perfectly or doing everything possible to fill yourself with everything around you is about the same really. the heart of it is filling yourself up with something other than a relationship with God and trying to make it on your own. I think the greater danger is in being the "elder brother" since it is filled with seemingly good things that in their heart are selfish, but because the physical symtom are hard to see you are not going to pursue a doctor like you would if you knew you were sick. instead of seeking treatment, you die without knowing your need. The strange thing is that sin really isn't even about us. it is about a relationship with another. Sin, in the end, is relational. between God and between people is where all sin leads.

To avoid sin is to avoid God. Not meaning go out and sin to find God, but the essence of the gospel is dealing with sin. Jesus came to deal with sin and the whole bible is about showing what sin is, showing the consequences of sin, and pointing to our need and the fulfillment of that need to have someone come and deal with our sin in the ways that we could not. this is a new definition of sin for me, but i do believe that all sin is relational in a way. I struggle and satan hammers me with guilt from who i have been and the remnants of what is lingering on from who i have been. I allow this guilt to pull me away from God, since i am ashamed of who i have been and it is hard to stand up open before God when you know you are unworthy. The issue is, my claim for righteousness is not in my own merit, it is in christ's perfection he gave me. This is a trust issue for me, i have trust issues in friendships and relationships. The heart of my guilt is really believing that Jesus took my guilt, took my shame, and died with specifically you, with specifically me in mind. He died thinking about your darkest moment and mine as well. Not just humanity as a whole, but God knows how many hairs are on our head. the amazing thing is not that he knows that, but that he actually cares to know that.

romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

then because of this:

romans 8: 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

that includes your own guilt, my trust issues, and everything inbetween. it isn't about you, you can't even seperate yourself from the love of jesus. for me, i am laying down at this point and saying take me into your love. i am done running with my guilt.

2011-02-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

tonight raise your glass
and scream till you breath no more
since everything around us is about to pass
so give what you have
since when you're dead it doesn't matter if you're poor.

i am proud to say i am one of you
bound on a journey that isn't ours
so, tonight, tomorrow, and the next we celebrate in the corner bar
and drink to what is true

to be a brother you freely give
and hold nothing back from one another
fate will try and make you forget to live
so, we fight as a community of brothers
and together conquer fate

2011-01-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

a few things:

i have a reccomendation for a job. so, pray that works out.

i have almost hit my weight goal and weight lifting goal. i benched 205 and am shooting for 240 in the next year and i know weigh 175.

also, this seems to be one of the healthiest and cheap things to make:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0ISW/is_259-260/ai_n10299306/pg_2/?tag=content;col1

2011-01-20T16:29:00.001-08:00

Well, i had to suck up my pride tonight and ask for food and gas money.

2011-01-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

tonight raise your glass
and scream till you breath no more
since everything around us is about to pass
so give what you have
since when you're dead it doesn't matter if you're poor.

2011-01-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

Acts 4:
32 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. 33 With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all 34 that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35 and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.

There is something about being able to give up what you have for an illogical purpose when you stare at numbers blankly. when i am jobless, i am greedy. when i have little i want more and say i will give more when i have more, but for now, i can't give since i don't have enough. i had 60 dollars to my name and that was enough to carry me through until i got another job. this verse has been on my mind since i lost my job and wasn't giving like i used to. well, um, a friend needed 60 dollars to finish his fund raising for going to hati to work with people trying to leave voodoo practicing. i just gave away my last 60 dollars.

this is more of a prayer than a post. God, i know you have a plan, i know you work in all things. please open up a job soon. i haven't been giving like you have asked of me, but father, i want to change that. please give me the ability to give and the ability to earn money and things to give.

2011-01-12T22:10:00.000-08:00

there are some days you know God's spirit is near. there are some people you know he follows by how when you're near them you become calm.

2011-01-11T20:27:00.001-08:00

the second day one of quitting smoking.

2011-01-09T23:38:00.001-08:00

day one of no cigarettes. jittery as heeelll. it is going to be a long fight.

2011-01-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

1 kings 10:1

"1 When the queen of Sheba heard about the fame of Solomon and his relationship to the LORD, she came to test Solomon with hard questions."

what struck me is that solomon was famous because everyone, even a queen of another country knew how intimate solomon was with God. This is a bizarre thing for an unrelational culture and a culture that separates relationship from christianity. it wasn't that solomon was known for acting like a religious man, hell, everyone was religious and everyone had gods that worship religiously. It was solomon's relationship with God that drew the queen to him to meet him. How solomon interacted and knew God made her come and meet him. The relationship, not his acts, defined a large part of his reputation.

In the end, i think we think of people outside of this manner. meaning we think of someone and think about their christian like actions, their christian like language, not really how close they are to jesus, not how much of them abides in christ. It wasn't about solomon, rather it was about his and God's relationship. Solomon did not really define his actions, rather a relationship with another defined solomon

the new year

2010-12-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

the new year this year is a little different than other years for me. most years i have massive goals, massive ambitions, but this year i do not have those massive wants or needs. I am not entirely sure if that is a good thing, but it is true nonetheless. I have a compulsive, obsessive, and driven personality. the issue is i use obsession with work, charities, and people to run. I have been making efforts to not work, to not become obsessed with people and things so i can try and get a grip on my head. I think i have finally come to grips with my life, with myself, with who i am, and hardest of all, who i have been.

There have been three main stages i have been in this year. The eat, drink, and be merry is one. Another is work your ass off and realize nothing came of it. the last was the learning to work, be loved, then rest. The bible has a very strange tension of working, being radical, and yet resting and existing in a state of being loved and loving. the problem with drinking your life into forgetfulness is that happiness is merely a forgetting, a false reality. Eventually reality has a nice knack for finding you and reminding you that you are living in a lie. The issue with working your ass off trying to be good, trying to earn respect, ect, is that you and i can't build relationships with just working, we can't earn love through work. the hardest thing has been learning to calm down and live in rest, love, peace. I have grown up in chaos, i have grown up in pain. When life is calm, when life is peaceful and enjoyable i panic. I force chaos into my life. Relationships cannot be built in chaos.

the whole thing of building a relationship, living in that relationship, then building a relationship with others to show the relationship you share is a slow process of existing, living, and enjoying what you do. This is so contrary to what i lived for, with what i did. I threw myself into everything until i broke and moved onto something else. i have no consistency for more than a few months. if there was consistency i eventually broke it, found a good reason to, and did. is it any wonder i never really had relationships with people? God took a lot of effort in ruining every plan i used to run away from relationship and people and made me chill. He put a lot of friends in my life that pursued me when i was running away and the result was i was horrified of being close to people, and now, i am experiencing love for the first time in the sacrificial way, i am experiencing family in a away i never did before. i tell you what, it is a beautiful thing.

For the new year, there are no obsessive goals, there are no massive plans, there is nothing horribly ambitious. i want enough to give it away, i want to be filled enough i can share the healing i have been given with others, i want to be inviting to people and show them love in spite of who they are, in spite of who i am. my goal is to live as a child who is loved by his father and to love as a person who is in the midst of the most beautiful love of all. All the sad things are becoming untrue and there isnt any reason to fear what has happened to me, there isn't any really for me to allow what has been done to me to control me. simply, what i have done, what they have done, it is all forgiven and the shame has been taken care of by another.

ecc 9:1-2
1But all this I laid to heart, examining it all, how the righteous and the wise and their deeds are in the hand of God. Whether it is love or hate, man does not know; both are before him. 2 It is the same for all, since the same event happens to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil, to the clean and the unclean, to him who sacrifices and him who does not sacrifice. As the good one is, so is the sinner, and he who swears is as he who shuns an oath.

solomon experienced everything, had everything, knew more than anyone. all he saw was everything ended the same. it does. we all die, we pass all we made onto people who know less than we do, all we worked for to people who haven't worked. This life is meaningless as an end, your happiness is meaningless as an end. The only thing that gives meaning to all of it is this isn't the end, merely the transition, home for just a time. If everything is a pursuit of jesus there really is a joy in everything instead of a meaninglessness in everything. if your drinking, your work, you family, is your end and your pursuit. you're just screwed, since me and you will fail.

in the end, i hope for this year to display the shade that i rest in. To be inviting to other people who are longing for me find the shade to rest in. Since i have found it. I am now resting.

2010-12-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

to start, it is damn cold outside. i went for a walk to think for a bit and the walk lasted all of five minutes. there is so much to think, so much to put into relationships. the strangest thing of all is where is caring too much and where is attempting to control. when you think about it, where is the line of controlling someones life and still loving them, since there are times where you are going to drag someone out of what they're doing regardless of what they say. Also, just for consistencies sake, there is a landload of people that you and i know who put themselves in awful situations constantly, but we will drag them out of those situations.

I think, people being in relationship with you is, in a way, submitting themselves to you. let me explain, people being in close relationship with you not only makes your heart go out to them, but also makes you act on their behalf, since you cannot function well in close friendships with someone who constantly tears you down by destroying themselves, and if you are in close relationship with someone you are going to care about the decisions they make and how they affect themselves by their choices. i think though, we put ourselves in control too often. i know i do. something i have been struggling with is how do i love people that are wrecking themselves. People in general take the all or nothing approach. we go all out and try to change the people or we cut them out until they change. If you control them you make them bitter, if you leave you take away their support system. Neither option is one i like.

I realized though, we can't change people. fortunately, that isn't in our control, it is God's spirit that changes people. this doesn't mean give up either, i dunno how much of the bible talks about seeking people out and being active. I think the most selfless type of love is one where you aren't controlling a person and you are there to love them and help them whenever they need help. The reason why is because you are not gaining anything. If you aren't gaining support from them emotionally or in other ways and you are still loving them, you really are loving them without gaining anything in return. The thing that is stranger is this: then why are we loving them? honestly, i have no idea other than there are people we have been a heart for that we cannot really explain in rational ways why we love them.

In the end though, all we can worry about is today, which doesn't do much of anything since being paranoid and all panic like makes us less able to actually DO anything.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

We have absolutely no idea what tomorrow brings. we're basically in a constant state of looking at a wall and never knowing what is on the other side until we walk through it every day. everyday we walk through one wall and see another. This a beautiful thing, since we're never sure what is on the next wall, but also so humbling, since we don't know what the hell is going to be written on the next wall. This applies to everything we worry about, but on relationships especially and how we deal with people. we can not control someone and we cannot really leave someone, but we do not really have a reason to, since we don't know what tomorrow will bring for them. in the present we know we have to love them through everything and whatever happens later, we will deal with it when that happens, but for now, i love them. if something happens where i can love them with more than just being there, i will, but until then i can't do anything else.

man, it is so nice to not be in control of the world.

2010-12-05T22:15:00.001-08:00

I think joy is the most attractive of all attributes.

2010-12-04T14:39:00.000-08:00

11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with lapis lazuli." Isaiah 54:11

over and over god promises to rebuilt, redeem, to move and create us again. Not just to bring us back to the way things were, but rather to rebuild and create us into something spectacular, unimaginable that sounds rather absurd. talking abuot building a cities foundation out of stones and rocks that are considered to be absurd to even have enough to build a wall out of, let alone a whole city. In the end, when you think of who you are now, of where jesus has taken you, what he has called you out of, i never could have imaged what life would be like now. My desires were so weak, so low, i never dreamed to be who i am now. My desires were for money, fame, and pleasure. all of that was taken out of my grasp, but what happened was it was shown that all those things, int he course of eternity fail and even in the scope of our existence we see that they fail us. i wasn't able to imagine what i have now. In the end, do we really know what we want, or even what we need? all the things i wanted weren't really what i wanted, rather were things i wanted to temporarily fill what me, since i didn't have what i really needed.

Love is a strange thing, since often times it means giving people exactly what they do not want. Knowing what someone needs and giving it to them is usually a pretty rough thing, but giving them what they need above their wants is probably one of the most loving things you can do for a person. I did not want jesus, but he forced himself on me for years until i broke. that is what i needed though.

2010-12-02T00:03:00.000-08:00

you have become the dearest of brothers
as you helped carry my life
making burdens possible to bear
with all the coffee and cigarettes we shared

we climbed, jumped, and laughed
sharing the happiest of times
the best of which are not in the past
since our future holds several more minor crimes.

i haven't finished this one yet. i wrote this much and have gotten stumped.

2010-11-29T19:27:00.000-08:00

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. i have been separated from my siblings for awhile now. Too long. I do not function terribly well without them, partially since there are so few people that are capable of relating in the way they can, since everything i have experienced, so have they, and also because i have no friends that i have know for more than a few years at best. Part of never being able to form relationships with people until recently means you have no long term friends. This gets me down, since i am closest to my siblings and they are extremely dear to me, the most dear you can hold someone is how i hold them. I have lived my whole life until two years ago with my brother, jay, and i have seen him a handful of times in those two years for hours and a day at best. After this way too long separation that wrenches my heart, he and i are living in the same city again in a few short months.

More and more i understand why God established families, why we are created to be in and thrive in families. I do not have a family, i have the remnants of family, my siblings, but no functioning family unit. I spent thanksgiving with an incredibly loving family of ten and i got the chance to watch and participate in their family life. watching how loving their family is, how accepting they were to me, and seeing how their kids thrive and know they are loved brought me to tears several nights. It was possibly the most refreshing thing i have seen since i moved here. Then seeing how i need my siblings, how i need the relationship i have with them and how quickly i can pick it up again after not seeing my brother in years and just how close we are so quickly once again, i see the reason why God commands families to be families. Why parents are meant to love their kids, why families are supposed to continue to grow by being fathers to the fatherless. We are designed, we crave, we long to find that loving relationship. in the end, that relationship and that love is found in our heavenly father, but the family system points us directly to that is a more tangible way for us to experience that love.

family makes sense to me. It is what i crave. it is what God has given to us.

2010-11-27T13:16:00.001-08:00

" see, i have engraved you on the palms of my hands." - isaiah 49:16

2010-11-25T16:51:00.000-08:00

all the things we have disreguarded
this is why we come undone
since a piece of us has parted
and left our lives unwon

the missing piece left a gaping hole
that is filled, but only for a moment
nothing can satisfies our soul
because it is always growing
and the the hole was too large to fill
until the infinite was sent

until we are filled
everything falls into us
and our souls we can no longer trust
we live for what our soul desires
and there is no control for what is inside
since there is a hole.

2010-11-23T11:56:00.000-08:00

i started to write. i think i may write a story. this is the intro i've written.

There came a time when i wondered if there was any hope, if there was any real light that stays longer than the sun. I still wonder if there is anything more than the light that fades in and out. The light seems like more of a tease than actual hope. As soon as the day becomes warm, as soon as there is any hope that grips your soul, it fades away, and we are cursed to face the dark and cold again. This is the sad state of reality and the sad world i was born into. We wake to live for a moment of light and warmth, then exist in the darkness waiting for a moment again. Most people resolve to live in the light and exist in the darkness, just flirting with both, but never truly living in either. The trouble is they are torn every time they exist in one and then transition into dark from light or light to dark. the struggle between light and dark, between loving oneself and loving others is what forms us all.

This struggle is what i want to tell you about and what it did to me. This struggle made me rise and fall and ultimately exist inside the tension and in the end die to try and end it. The easiest place to begin is the end, but only for a minute, i will send you to the beginning after a few details are explained. I am not in the world of light and dark anymore and i do not have to fight any longer. also this is not a story of how i left the fight and found out how to find peace, rather this is a story of how i existed in the turmoil. Now, to go to the beginning: i was born. no seriously. i was. that is how most beginnings begin.

2010-11-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

So, ultimately living for yourself is a dead end and cannot satisfy your craving. it all spirals down and the only way to keep the craving down is to put it into chaos and just shift highs constantly. nothing fulfills us except jesus, but serving other people is the only way to not live for yourself and in a strange way i have always served people and always been selfish. Serving people was the closest illusion to following christ i had and i thrived as much as i could on it, which wasn't that much, but it was something. I was a selfish server of people, since i was serving to gain love and to build myself up. it is the closest thing to following something other than myself i had figured out and was the closest thing to fulfillment i had ever found. Serving people burnt me out though, it eventually drove me into the ground and made me break down.

Jesus is a strange thing, since he makes us more like ourselves. Sin cannot create, it can only distort us more than we already are. Growing towards and pursuing jesus makes us more like ourselves since the closer we are to jesus the more we are like our original selves, the more like we were created to be we are. In a sense, the only way to actually know your limits, how to feed yourself and how to feed other people is to pursue jesus, since we never truly know ourselves until we live inside jesus. Jesus is how we are truly fed and not burnt out, since it is only through jesus we have any satisfaction. there isn't any other way. nothing else can fill or satisfy the desires we have. However, we typically see the pursuit of jesus as in we pursue jesus first, then everything else. i don't think that is entirely right, though. if we're pursuing jesus first, then when do we stop pursuing jesus to pursue what we are pursuing second?

The pursuit of jesus is not something that comes in and out and you just pursue jesus more than other things, since in the end, if you're not pursuing jesus in something, you're not pursuing jesus. It is through the pursuit of jesus that you pursue anything else. Everything becomes a pursuit of jesus and in that everything is the constant feeding of yourself. Serving people truly becomes selfless since it isn't about either of you, rather jesus.

2010-11-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

I have a love hate relationship with holidays. It is a stab in heart in the sense that it is a constant reminder of what holidays were as a kid and a reminder still that i don't have a home, rather remnants of family. Don't get me wrong, what family i do have i love dearly and they take care of me, but as far as a home, i have none. I guess for what christmas is originally about, baby jesus and the redemption of humanity beginning, it reminds me of how much of a savior jesus is and just how much i need him. No lie, i struggle, i struggle like hell with holiday seasons. People return to their families and go back to their homes, i work to pay rent and if things where my parents live are pleasant enough i will make an appearance for a day. There is something so fundamental that God put in us about family. It is so strange that i grew up in a home that should have driven me away from jesus, but all it did was push my closer, that i should hate family, my father and mother, but i pray and beg for God to forgive them and pull them into his spirit so they don't have to live under the law any longer. family is one of the most intense desires in my heart that i pray for almost non-stop. there is little i hold higher, maybe sense i never had one or maybe because i just know what God intended for family to be. I don't really know why, but Jesus has made me all the more crazy about building a family someday.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak- isaiah 40:29

2010-11-16T08:36:00.001-08:00

i am going to start writing rap

2010-11-14T15:36:00.001-08:00

" our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."- C.S. Lewis, the screwtape letters

2010-11-10T15:55:00.000-08:00

All the unhappy endings
as thousands walk in dimly lit streets
all look for a way to start our mending
and we all wander searching for weeks

in this dim light
we can barely see the ground
to be honest, i have no sight
and secretly am hoping to be found

buildings, posts, streets, and people
but i am unable to see or know anything
i can only live my looking down so i'm
not consumed by this vast darkness

If i look up and peer into the darkness
panic and fear over take me
and to be honest i must confess
whatever is inside the darkness i don't want to see

while i was wandering
a person surrounded by light passed by
my heart jumped and began to sing
i wanted to follow him and i was unsure as to why

when i walked in this man's light
i see the world's mess and my hearts sin
after seeing light, darkness never satisfies again
and without a choice you resolve to fight

i was never able to again just exist
when i hide
my mind persists
there is more to life than just this

although i now more clearly see
all the pain and death because of light
i live in it because i see a future
because someone satisfied darkness's plea

heaven is breaking into darkness
giving us a hint, a clue
of what is to come
since all the sad things are becoming untrue

2010-11-09T23:10:00.000-08:00

So, i think our definition of addiction is a little off. Not in the sense of cravings and having a stimulus that we have to meet, rather in the sense that we thing if we simply aren't around some things we will not become addicted. A rather guy like struggle, lust, porn, masturbation, i don't think will power can defeat and people in pulpits say go to jesus, but over and over again guys i know can't defeat this addiction and they have hardened wills to defeat it, but can't. Notice, with drug addicts, we replace stimulants. things like sugar and caffeine are used to lessen cravings, replace them with easier to manage addictions. With lust, we simply try to force our ways out. Addictions don't work that way. the only way to end an addiction is to replace it. it is all about finding the greater addiction and that is the only true way to kill an old addiction.

we're kind of like a metal surface with a hole in the middle and the entire surface slants towards the hole. By keeping everything out of the hole, all that happens is more and more falls in and we are constantly popping everything in and out and you are just shifting cravings all the time. I kind of feel like guys that are struggling with masturbation that is the last ball in the arena and everything else is out, but the only way to keep everything out of the hole, that is ourselves, is to fill the hole. the issue is the hole is always getting deeper and is never satisfied. There isn't anything to fill that hole, so, everything falls in and it isn't enough.

The issue is that we try to willfully force out addictions, lust and masturbation primarily, with sheer will force. I think the struggle with lust and masturbation is more an issue with us not being filled and not being satisfied. the only way to defeat lust is to find the higher satisfaction and a joy that is greater than any amount of numbness you can achieve. It isn't just an issue of forcing the sin out of your person, rather filling it so you can keep it out.

2010-11-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

until he returns to me
we will strive and fight
until the day he calls us home
for him to see
how we fought creations groan

to fight means to live in heights
of joy and depths of peace
to bathe in light
and be released

sins grip has lost its strength
jesus came
to break sins link
and states god's claim over all creation
saying, " this is mine"

Then god's spirit came to make
us live in depths of light
so we may see with eyes awake
and truly see we live to fight.

2010-10-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

you built me for war
as i was born into a fight
that goes on what i think is forever more
rather, just until we're blinded by the blessed light

i tried to ignore
i tried to not see
but that is impossible with war
so, next i tried to flee

running so far that i collapsed
panting for life, i recognized war in my past
and resolved to fight
so i may live in the blessed light

at eighteen i didn't see death
rather the one that brings it
in my terror i could only mutter with my breath
a prayer to the one whom death bit

on that day i started war
and finally saw the unseen enemy

2010-10-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

this has been one of the few encouragements i have had for awhile now. I know it's true, but there are days where it is hard to carry on. today is one of those days. The strange thing is, even when i am in these days, i used to panic and worry. It is hard for me to get up and go about my day and work and praise jesus, but today, there's a lot of peace. it is hard, extremely hard, but there's a lot of inexplicable peace.

2010-10-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

So, i spent roughly 6 hours on a porch of a party house in the getto. got to talk to a lot of people i wouldn't ordinarily get to talk to, got to see a different culture, got to be included in their culture. a few things struck me, i walked over and started talking and because i am white and talked to them i immediately earned their respect and was nicked named a " bad ass motherfucking white." apparently white people are timid and scared to talk. After spending the entire night talking to them, things like sex, drugs, and drinking all come up in the course of the night. as they tell stories of the strangest people they have had sex with and the strangest drugs they've taken, i don't live like that and when they ask, i straight up told them that i don't sleep around and i don't do drugs. They didn't believe me at first, i get this response all the time because the way they see it is this: if you say you don't do drugs and have sex, you're a liar, since everyone does drugs and has sex. Everyone who said they didn't, really do and just lie about it. So, why am i different?

I think their attitude toward the church could best be explained by what one of the men said, " war didn't make me a bad person, i just don't go to church anymore." Church and morals are separate and irrelevant. If there isn't jesus, i completely agree. There isn't anything that binds them together besides the work of jesus, but even so, the church isn't even supposed to be bound like we think they are. Ah, off topic, back to what i was writing about to begin with. wait, i never said what i was writing about to begin with, so, onto why i started writing!

The ghetto culture is so radically different that even the language and how they relate to each other is different than the white culture i was raised in. I relate to jesus and christianity by ideas, concepts, thinking. Jesus satisfies my ideas, my thoughts on life, all of that. it fits. Partially because that is how i was raised, i was raised with ideas and thoughts like this. i was raised in a theologians house. Even my friendships, my language, the way i relate to my friends is on a more abstract scale. I talk about ideas, philosophies that drive me, concepts of life as a whole. not that i am smarter or better, but that is just how i think. i look at over arching concepts that drive people. it is just instinctive for me. However, that is not how people in the ghetto think. In all honesty, i prefer the way they think, it really is much more real than the way i think, they just think and what is, is. they way they related to each other is just flat out saying what they think and the way they see life is they just see it. so, in a sense, for them to see christianity, they have to see it lived out. i can see an idea and hope i can live out christianity where that idea becomes a reality. i can see what the idea of the church is meant to be, but they don't look at ideas, they just look at life. So, by looking at life, all christians are liars and hypocrites.

That is a mostly true observation. Christians are supposed to be ultimately accepting and loving, they don't see that happening at all, christians aren't supposed to have sex before marriage, never happens that they have seen, the list goes on. so, with that, where in life is christianity true? it isn't.

On top of this, language, the white church, which is pretty prevalent, preaches an intellectual language, which doesn't make sense to them. In the same way, a lot of ghetto preachers don't make sense to me or you, we don't make sense to them. The gospel really hasn't been preached to them in their language and isn't being preached to them in their language. the great commission is about preaching to them in their language and living where they can see it. inner city missions really is mostly like poking people with a stick. if you genuinely want to see change, live with them and be open and vulnerable. They is the language that transcends any barrier. a life lived consistently.

2010-10-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today i can feel a lot of life. today is a day that i use to remind myself of God's goodness when i don't feel it.

2010-10-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

i'm realizing more and more the reality and the seriousness of having to know what you believe and being committed to it. The same reason why you have to have weight in what you believe is the same reason why you have to know what you believe. If you do not know and are not fully committed to what you believe then you never will be able to withstand any sort of struggle. To be honest, if i ever stopped believing in Jesus i would kill myself, since there wouldn't be any point to life. there really isn't. in the end, everything is absolutely meaningless without jesus. Jesus makes people real and makes life something to be reckoned with. The whole concept of jesus is what grounds you into reality, rather than making life an attempt to escape reality. Since, in the end, everyone is running from life and reality that life is, we are all running in some form or fashion. weather it is with drugs, sex, money, impulsiveness, relationships, careers, reputations, grades, even our insecurities can be things we use to run. The interesting thing that i find is that Jesus never made me stop running, but it is no longer aimless running. i know what i am running towards now. There is a tension in Jesus that is seemingly a constant contradiction in everything. It is a contradiction, but it is like a series of strings that are all pulled to perfect tension to stop the strings from hitting the ground. I am more real now than i ever was, but i am more withdrawn from life than i have ever been, i am more loving to people than i have ever been, but i am less effected and more torn up by people than i have ever been. Jesus makes me feel and makes pain so much more real, but allows me never be fully torn down completely. i may be joyful and have joy, but there are still days where the very color of life seems incredibly dark, but it is at these points you just have to accept what you believe and move on with life until the darkness passes. In the end, if your beliefs aren't what you value to death, they'll shift at every storm. yesterday was a day where i just had to force myself to accept that Jesus was king, that he loves me and has my best benefit in mind. In the end though, i know that it is true and today is a day where i can feel that and truly believe it and see it. probably why this verse is in isaiah:

" if you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all" - isaiah 7:9

2010-10-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

i can say i never really enjoyed anything until a few months ago. i never found joy in everything. it was all empty, nothing was enough. i always needed more and that was never even enough. the saddest thing was when i got what i wanted and there wasn't anything in it. It drove me to do things i hated and still hate, it drove me to do anything to be satisfied. nothing was enough, so, i had to try everything. i am reading through isaiah now and a verse stood out tonight:

" on the right they will devour,
but still be hungry;
on the left they will eat,
but not be satisfied."
isaiah 9:20

this explains me perfectly. nothing ever was enough. never. i had an all consuming desire to find something that could make me rest. thought i found it in a relationship, but only to realize that couldn't satisfy either. Nothing did. So, in contrast, now i am sitting in a chair with my tiny tiny lap top, with piano music in the distance ( about ten feet) completely content and able to laugh and smile for the first time in my life.

You are a slave to anything you cannot let go of. Jesus forced me to let go of everything i trusted in. I am free and nothing binds me to earth. i can finally enjoy a smoke, a steak, and a hard work out. i am no longer searching for fulfillment in pleasure or my own self worth. Since i am looking for fullfillment in anything, i can enjoy everyhting because anything is always enough since i am already full. everything is filled with joy because i have everything i need. i always will. Everything in life is an overbearing master, since none of it is good enough. Knowledge: you can never be the best. Money: it'll burn and move without you. athletics: you will suck eventually no matter how good you are. Life sucks. it really does. it is filled with death, disappointment, and struggle. That is the beauty of it, i can look at all of this and still have a smile, since there is an inexplicable joy in knowing that i am completely loved and no longer have to search for love in my life.

you are loved you screwed up bastard. After loosing everything i trusted in, i looked up, and realized, " damn it. jesus does know best." freedom is amazing. you can finally find the name God made for you.

2010-10-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

2 With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our fathers;
you crushed the peoples
and made our fathers flourish.

3 It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.
psalm 44

it wasn't by anything israel did that they got everything they had. how are we any different that we expect by our supposedly amazing things and actions that we earn anything? seriously, think about it. we read and look and think poorly about israel, but how often do we allow our relationship to guide us not in just we do not do, but in what we do?

2010-10-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

i tend to forget how much suffering there is around me. We become numb to it in our little bubbles of those like us. to minister, we poke the problems with a stick so we do not become dirty and stay a safe distance. i was studying in a coffee shop and a man who i have seen come in and our and frenquents the cafe came in. he sat down near me, so, i started talking to him. after a few minutes of talking, he burst into tears since i was the only person in days he said that has talked to him. the fellow homeless men won't talk to him, since he will not do dope, everyone else ignores him. he loves jesus, he has faith in god, yet no one knows that. he lost everything he owns, he is in his 70's now, he has spent the last 14 years looking for his son, he suffers more than i will ever understand, since no matter how hard my life seems, i will never suffer as bad as he has and is suffering.

2010-10-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

there's a lot life. i enjoy it.

2010-10-01T20:36:00.001-07:00

oh, a good nights sleep. how i want one now.

2010-09-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

" because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God already forsake us."- george mcdonald.

2010-09-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

my heart was cold and distant
i never felt or gave
but christ's love persisted
and my false strength left and i was saved

i saw the cross and found my trust
in a single moment i burst
i looked at my heard and saw rust
and my hands too were cursed

a breath came in like death
i breathed for the first time
and actually laid down to rest
finally, i found peace from my crimes

my heart started from the cross
beating, feeling, like i was a little boy
because of one mans great loss
i can experience joy

2010-09-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

If ever a plea for the broken was made
i heard it in the night
A cry for you
A cry so you may be whole one day

Live as two, three, and four
never a sound thought or a nights rest
my body was in a constant war
and a few hours peace a night was my best

Never living or dieing
But slowly walking away from life
I swore i lived and loved, but i was lying
I lived in death, since i never knew christ

I never experienced love or family
and never was cherished by someone
every place i found closeness made me flee
i ran
i ran from the man who died
and fought my battle until it was won

i was pursued a man, a carpenter by trade
he is the man who constructed a great salvation
and made the greatest love story ever written
and all he asked was a conversation

My heart has been pursued my whole life
our lives are a love story
of a God pursuing with a passion for a man to his wife
now i can rest in love to never worry

i no longer run from closeness
since i am bound with love that binds
i have everything, but cannot boast
i am passionate to chose this love to all man kind
and show the fulfillment of the love story.

2010-09-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

so, i never had a family. the closest remnant to family i have ever had has been my siblings. it is still a recent thing that we are a family. It ate me alive that i have no parents, no home, just places to live. I am not a person that crys much or often, i have never cried this hard. i was outside and cried until my hands and face was so wet i couldn't wipe away tears and i took off my shirt and had to use it. i realized that the intense lonleyness i have been struggling with was once again, me trying to find love where there isn't lasting love. My whole life, all my struggles, mistakes, all, has been because i am searching for love. that is what i am doing and have been doing my whole life. searching for love, reassurance of love, wanting and craving with everything to KNOW that i am loved. I realized i had no real family system and as everyone returns for a break to their homes to people they love, i realized, i don't have that. I broke, i couldn't take it. i went to sleep in a pile of damp sheets and pillows and woke a few hours later for class in the exact same state of brokenness. throughout classes, in between, and after i was crying for a solid day. i couldn't take it. i called a guy, he listened, then simply responded, " you don't have a home, you don't have parents, but you have a family. we're brothers."

i have a bigger family than most anyone else. It is alive, growing, and moving constantly. The blood of christ is thicker than the blood of relatives and makes me closer than i am to my family. the reason why my siblings and i are family now is because we all have christ. that is why we are family. My family is constantly growing and is an all inclusive family. There is a lot of life in jesus, there is a lot of joy. I have a family. I really was a wander, i was not grounded with anyone or anything, i have never formed attachments, i have never been open or vulnerable, i have never been real, i have never been able to experience love or love anyone, these are things now that are in my life and living in the midst of my life. that is why i say there is a lot of life in jesus, since i finally found life.

2010-09-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

some days things just seem unbearable. i don't know why, but tonight not having a home, not having a family place, not having a place to go. it just kills.

2010-09-22T00:03:00.001-07:00

so, hope and trust are connected intimately. I wasn't sure what actually changed in me, i know something drastically did. I found a lot tonight on a long walk with my pipe and praying. I trust now. I fully trust in jesus's righteousness as my own. that is why i can hope and have joy now. now, to explain:

you cannot hope in something unless you have a complete faith and trust in something. since you're believing that what you are trusting in is bigger and greater than what is causing you to have to trust and to want to hope in something. until i had complete trust in jesus's righteousness, i always doubted, strove, and fought for peoples opinions. i never rested in that my reputation was already spoken for, i never rested in someone else bearing my shame and making a perfect reputation in heaven for me. In the bigger sense, i was never able to have hope and from hope, joy, because i never fully trusted in jesus's righteousness. I knew jesus, but complete trust and completely letting go of myself hadn't come yet.

In the psalms, david writes about God's faithfulness, then talks about how God is his rock and how he hopes in God's salvation. Hoping in despair, that is trusting and giving up our plans, that is trusting that God had a more beautiful and fulfilling plan than what we have. I am not saying this as a person who has it all together, not even that i have a good trust and can hope when i am suffering. i loose sight of this way too easily. the moment pain hits, i struggle to remember to pray, i struggle to want to get out of pain. I am learning and slowly starting to walk in trust. i have never trusted before, but i know this is right. I have joy for the first time in my life because i have been trusting. i can smile now, i laugh, i enjoy. all these things hurt and make me vulnerable, but i am alive. we have life in jesus and he has given me a lot of life. so, well, shit this is awesome.

2010-09-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

So, i've been reading through the old testament prophets. God talks alot, i mean, it is his book. so, i should have figured as much, but it threw me off when i realized, this is God speaking. He is wild. He isn't tame. He does everything possible to bring his bride to love him. He isn't tame, but he is loving.

If we are called to become more like christ, more like who we were created to be before we fell, then we are not called to be tame. I have grown up in the bible belt, in the white bible belt, we have the theology, but nothing to live. I love theology, but i hate it when theology is for theologies sake. we aren't called to just think, over thinking doesn't move a person to action, i would argue more often than not, a person is moved to do less by over thinking.

we have everything already in christ in heaven. there is nothing tieing us down. so, go be wild in a way that glorifies christ. Go enjoy good things, go do what you love, go be an untame person. God is, so we should as well. We're called to life, not to death. We were taken out of death and moved to life. Live like you have been given life.

2010-09-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

something i have been praying about for awhile now has been to know God as my father. Speaking to all the fatherless out there, it is hard to see God as your father when your father only abused you. in the few fatherly moments you had, if any, you're more confused and wondering when he will scream or damn you. Conveniently enough, my pastor has been working on a series in galatians, which talks a helluva lot about the work of christ and how we are changed in our relationship to God.

Galatians 4

1What I am saying is that as long as the heir is a child, he is no different from a slave, although he owns the whole estate. 2He is subject to guardians and trustees until the time set by his father. 3So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. 4But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, 5to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. 6Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

Do you not see it? Jesus did not come to make you a slave to another master, but to make you a son of God. Jesus came to give fathers to all the fatherless. i can finally claim a father, i can finally think of a father and not have intense darkness come over my mind, i can finally scream out daddy in looking for comfort, i can finally claim a family. the broken one i have, while i love, we were never united until we became siblings in the blood of christ. I am fatherless, i was without family, i was alone. Jesus did not just give me a relationship with my father, but gave my a flood of community around me. I can tell a brother next to me, that i may not even really know, that i love him and cherish him. In all honesty, i do love him. that is the strangest thing that has been happening. i have been given an inexplicable love for my brothers and a strong love for the people who are not covered in the blood of jesus.

you and me, we're sons of God. so, lets go live like a son of God.

2010-09-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

we have the don't. don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, no sex before marriage. i hear this alot when i ask people about what christianity means to them. At this point i am just asking, is christianity something that removes you from society because you have a list of do nots? there are a lot of things as christians, we don't do or we do in a proper context. i think these are things that create a great culture, but there is a fundamental flaw that makes christianity dead with the thought process of do notting. We do nothing. that is what kills us. i mean, really, look around at all of us, including myself. i work, i go to school, i hang out, i work out. in the midst of this, where am i living in some radical way that displays the life jesus has given me? the reason why i think there is a lot of things that we should be doing is this:

sin cannot create; it only distorts. With that, by not doing what the world does, there should be a lot of things in our lives that the world doesn't do that we do. Since, we're taking away what the world does from our lives and putting nothing really in its place other than milder versions of what the world was already doing. There is a hole, a gap, something missing.

There is a lot of life in jesus. there is a lot of joy in jesus. i think we're called to use this to fill those gaps. so, for you, what is filling the gaps?

2010-09-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

so, the worst is distorted. we can all agree on that. There is sin in the world and sin cannot create, it can only distort. Also, we were created in a world that was designed for us. Things we look to and see good things in and that we are attracted to, such as a guy willing to take huge risks for stupid reasons, we aren't sure why we admire his stupidity, but we simply do. there is a reason and i think this is something we have missed in Christianity, especially in the south, risk.

I think the heart of the issue is this: we see risk, a worldly risk, a there is something to admire in it. I mean, honestly, God is a risk taker and is a wild person. A good person, but wild and risky. When you think of it, we find the ways a person is risky, and eliminate them. is the christian guy, the ideal christian guy, calm and impassioned? That isn't the gospel. Joy, hate, love, risk. they're all in there. They're more manifested in these traits than any amount of theology for theologies sake is. The thing i think we forget is that just because someone is risky doesn't mean they're unbiblical. i just think they're risk is placed in the wrong things. The worlds risk is selfish risk. Sex, drugs, fights, these are selfish risks. the selfless risk takers we see are almost idolized in societies eyes. we crave that type of risk taker. Think of it, most of our holidays, national heroes, people in the media today, they're idolized either because they're hot or they did something that we think is amazing. if it isn't sports, it is they served someone. for some reason that irks us or makes us go oogly eyes. The reason why is because we are wired for that type of selfless risk. we are designed to look at that and crave a hero. we're always looking to someone. so, my question is, why is christian culture breeding people who love to sit? i am as guilty as anyone for just sitting and being content with sitting. So, lets change that.

2010-09-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

so, there are a couple of things i have realized. you know how in at summer camps we usually feel pretty good about ourselves. we're ministering! woot! that's great and all, but it struck me, romans 12:1 calls us to be a living sacrifice. that means, our lives are sacrifices. everything. It isn't that we're doing some great deed at summer camp, that is the norm. I do realize that ministry takes on many forms and pursuing things that i honestly believe are glorifying to god, like education, work, ect, make ministry take on many many different forms and all, but i realized something. the early church was considered so radical and different because of the massive community it made. seriously, when you start to read the reasons for the explosion of chrisianity the main reasons are the radical community it bred that was so, well, confusing. Realizing that there are ways i could raise money, i had a grant offered to me if i would take the initiative to start a house that would do what i am planning to do.

my brother and i since we were kids have been frustrated with the lack of hospitality in the church. i mean, in the past week i have had several friends from highschool, who are in the visible and invisible church, that need a few months help to get their life in order and get established in a new city. the church hasn't done anything. i want that to change, so, i have to change it in myself first before i can say anything. So, my brother and i are buying a house soon with the specific intentions of making it a place where guys who need a few months help, getting a job, rent, place to live, a community can come. Do realize, we're choosing not to label this as a " ministry" or as a " community service" even though we could get money and financial help for doing that. The reason why is this: we're not doing anything out of the ordinary. that type of hospitality is expected that type of hospitality is supposed to be normal. we see it as praise worthy and exceptional. that is what is sad. This is supposed to be the norm in a church.

Also, we wonder why people don't see jesus in our lives sometimes. i know i do. In the song of solmons, the last chapter, he talks about how if you want to find him, he'll be in his fields reaping his fruit. Why do you think spiritually you feel so close to jesus when you're serving at a summer camp? it isn't just the community, it is because you are serving. This changes neighborhoods, this changes people and communities. It is the clearest representation of jesus and Jesus is present in the midst of it all. This semester i am attending all the same services, worships, and volunteering the same as i did before. That didn't change my relationship with jesus. daily service for the sake of jesus changed me.

Please don't confuse what i am saying by making you go take on something that burdens you for the sake of service. God doesn't require anything at all from you. nothing, nada, crap. His grace and relationship was and is a free gift with nothing expected, at all, in return. that is what motivates me to serve him though, the nothing i am required to do. since i mean, christ didn't just put me at neutral, he put me at perfect and gave me a spot on his throne as the brother of jesus and the son of God. For me, service is just showing people that gift. before you serve, don't do what i did for so long. Serving doesn't help your righteousness. with or without your works, you're just as screwed or blessed either way. Your works don't define you or give you any source of identity, your faith in jesus gives you an identity and hopefully works flow from that. if you're just serving trying to fix things, you'll break. i broke. don't do it.

2010-09-10T11:32:00.001-07:00

so, as i am reading my history book on the enlightened thought, how science and the concept that everything is made of the same material so everyone is equal abolished slavery and continues to drive our society to equality, it struck me, no. I know i live there is a massive divide between the middle class and the lower class. it is still apparent by dress and by your attitude where you come from socioeconomically. There is a massive divide. Churches in general have started to do inner city missions fairly consistently, but if feels more like poking the inner city with a stick and not really embracing them. there is an issue, since god created all of us in love before the foundations of the world were even starting to be put in motion, we should have nothing but heart wrenching love for these people struggling and suffering. Something a guy i was talking to as i said i was getting frustrated with a few things, he quietly replied, " so, i think before i should say anything, i should examine my own heart and actions. once my life is patterned against the issues i see, then i will talk more about it."

realizing that we're supposed to change our own heart and actions before we criticize anything like this, i realize i have the ability to go and be very bold in the welfare neighborhoods. so, my brother and i are applying for welfare housing and are praying to move into the getto in the next year or so. I love that the church is starting to move towards the getto and innercity, but there is so much more. the gospel needs to be lived and breathed among the neighborhoods, not just preached. I have nothing to loose and everything to give. i want people to find the absolute joy i have in life now. I want more ministry and love given to people who are lower in the socioeconomic ladder of life, i want us to be a body of believers that displays deep sacrificial love to people who don't know jesus like you and i do. if i want the church to move more towards a servants heart, then i must first change my life to be one of showing the love of christ.

2010-09-10T11:22:00.001-07:00

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming the curse for us...
gal 3:13

if there ever was a passage in the bible that should make you cry, this is it.

2010-09-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

Being not numb is a fantastic thing. nights like tonight, i can enjoy people, a steak, a hooka, and good ol' company. i used to never understand emotional attachments, loving people, or just how to just plain out love people and enjoy company. Being able to feel and express love to company, wow, the simplest things are so fulfilling now. It is strange too, since i mean, i never knew what it was like to know it would hurt to loose a person. i never allowed myself to feel that. there is a lot of risk that goes into knowing people and being attached to them, but the friendship is so much deeper and there is so much to give and grow in.

this sounds all stupid and simple, but to me, this is fascinating, since i have never felt this before.

2010-09-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

so, realizing that an act of service is not love, but an expression of it makes the gospel so much brighter. realizing that christ didn't just do enough to meet the demands of the law, but gives us everything possible, he gives us kingship. that is beauty. it changes how i see people and how i should treat them. it makes me love for the first time in my life. Love doesn't just do, it is the absolute and complete exhaustion of everything towards a person. it also means being vulnerable to them. I realized something, jesus was vulnurable every time he spoke. how? realize he was and is something that seems pretty impossible. God in man. Everytime someone asked who he was and he answered them, he risked complete and utter rejection, since it does take faith to believe something as absolutely insane as a statement like, " i am the son of god."

I don't know who all reads this, but i do know that for the first time i know people. weather i have known you for months or years, in honesty i don't think you all have known me until recently. the reason isn't because of you, but because i have never allowed people to know me. i have learned to never be vulnerable, to never feel, to never be in a position to get hurt. i think this goes back to me not fully trusting and feeling jesus's love and payment. i mean, if you don't have absolute and complete trust in Jesus's blood covering your sin, you are going to try to pay for it yourself in someway or another. that describes my life pretty well up to now. Now is the time where you can get to know me, since jesus has softened me enough to where you can know me.

you have never met me before. you knew a facade i put up. you never knew who god made me. you can know me now though. i am actually real now. as stupid as that sounds, it is very true.

2010-09-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

so, i have an idea. i hate ice cream now.

you know how people say, " you have to find yourself before you can be in a relationship!" i think there is truth in that, but it is slightly misplaced. ask yourself though, if you are unsure of who you are, how do you fight? what is a violation of who you are and what you hold to?

the answer is you cannot fight.

realizing that you are pretty much completely unable to be in a relationship until you find out who christ is in a fullness i have never had until last few weeks. how can you fight and stand up for something until you are so deeply committed to jesus that any consequence is not big enough for you to violate your consequence and not consequence is strong enough to make you not pursue Him in everything? until you become grounded in something i don't think that you can actually stand up for anything, especially in relationships. without being so firmly grounded everything is subject to rationalization and everything is subject to erosion.

pretty much for me, i have never been a person who confronted people, stood up for anything i believed, and never brought up touchy subjects. in essence, i have always been a coward who put on the facade of strength by being numb and also just being a clever asshole who was manipulative and avoided everything at all cost. This goes deeper than just being a coward though. i was incapable of love, since i haven't been grounded thoroughly before. If you can't fight, you can't love. since love is not being nice, love is messy. Love is loving in everything. everything my friends. it isn't being nice, it is loving someone when you hate them and dealing with them and your hate. It is an eternal perspective in who christ is and his power. I honestly don't think i would have ever understood love without christ in any manner. Since, unless you have an eternal perspective of things, the little things really do matter, since they are our everything without christ and focusing on him.

2010-09-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

yeah. so, service doesn't mean you love someone. if you do love someone, you will serve them, but serving doesn't equal love. this may sound normal and easy for you as you read this, but remember, this is coming from a guy who felt his first emotion that wasn't pain or fear a few weeks back. read a few posts back for an explanation.

i saw people who did love people and i did see them serve people. so, i copied them. i never felt, but i knew serving people got a reaction i liked and i wanted the attention. realizing that every good action i ever did was to serve myself, that it was either because i wanted something or i weighed myself down with requirements that i thought god has on me, that i had to earn his smile. i have never had my father smile at me, i have never have him be proud of me. i haven't had a father. realizing that God loves me is one thing, but realizing that love means he wants to serve me, but not just do things to provide for my needs, but EVERYTHING. He wants to know me and be intimate with me. He wants to save me...and has. He wants me to have emotions, he wants me to be able to love, he wants me to be able to live and thrive. He wants me to have joy and happiness.

Loving someone means being vulnerable, but also it means that the simply things, the building relationship through talking, sharing, enduring, laughing, all those things, they're in there, too. I am still confused by all this emotion stuff, but i do know i had my first good day a few weeks ago and it is beginning to show. i saw an old friend today and her response was, without hearing any of what has been going on, " for the first time, you don't look sad." i am learning how to express emotions on top of that. it took me feeling the joy of jesus in me and his healing to do that, but man, it's scary.

another thing, today for the first time ( i am having a lot of firsts in this part of my life) a person i look up to told me that were proud of me. it's strange. it almost doesn't register. something to pray about. what is it that God is proud of us? i have been focusing on how God pays for our guilt and shame, but more than just taking care of our shame, he is proud of us. He smiles on us. so, with that said, how do you and i live lives that demonstrate that God, the creator, our father, is proud of us?

gal 3:13 ( a possible future tattoo) jesus redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse.

everything we are, he took care of and gave us everything he was and is. that is a radical idea.

2010-08-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

i think i found myself.

i think i lost myself.

i think they are the same.

i work full time now, i am a full time student, i volunteer and mentor every week now. i am resting, i finally found rest. real, rest. not just power naps and long nights sleep. amidst supporting my little sister, taking care of a brother, getting him to detox, paying bills, studying, volunteering. I find rest in everything. i still love a good nights sleep, though.

We often times talk about how, " i have to pursue god first!!!!!!!!! then everything else." i would say that is close, but a dangerous falsehood. i wondered what that meant, but for some reason our very vocabulary has a separation of jesus and everything else. pursuing jesus first does not mean having constant biblestudies. i think i started to change when i realized, you pursue christ IN everything. you pursue christ in everything you do. through christ you can pursue anything. if you aren't pursuing christ in everything, tell me where your line is where you aren't pursing christ, but are pursuing something else for a moment, then will pursue christ when you're done. it doesn't work.

the question i have is where is jesus in your classes, work, social life? How are you pursuing christ in your day to day interactions? how you spend your money? how you spend your time? how you talk? even what you eat... everything is turned over and thrown out the window.

what has jesus thrown out the window for you lately?

2010-08-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

what drives a conversation? i love jesus and have for a few years now. for a long time i wondered why jesus never came up naturally in conversations, rather it always seemed to be the things i hate that came up, such as getting shit faced, drugs, and sex. why though? i know that for some reason jesus comes up in conversations now for the first time in a long time with non-christians, but what changed? i became more of a hardass. that is what jesus does to you. He makes you much more of a hardass that is filled with love. to explain that statement, i do not care what another person things about me having a relationship with jesus and wanting to glorify Him, but i was softened in that i love people instead of writing them off if they didn't fit into my category.

People want to be approved of, we desire attention and approval above all. if you are capable of lovingly without being scared or angry tell someone that you don't do what they do, that you live differently, i really have no found someone who has mocked me when i say it lovely and firmly. i am sure there are a few, but in a larger sense, we ask why are this or that, sex or drugs, becoming prominent?

Psalm 12:8
" the wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men." we honor what is against christ and people will proudly display dishonorable behavior because it gets them attention. It is honored, it is praised, it makes us gain approval. that is why people pursue things that are dishonoring. this is the same reason why we try to surround ourselves with a community of christian. to reinforce behavior that is christ like and to hold us accountable to the standards of christ so we may grow. If a community is built on standards that are not christ like, those behaviors are going to be perpetuated. so, as a christian, what do you do?

ask yourself, who is in your community that isn't a christian? how are you displaying and showing the benefits and acceptance in gods own eyes for having a relationship on jesus and laying everything you could not do on the one who could? how does your community display an absolute broken plea for someone who can live what you can't? how does your life and conversations show that you are resting in a person who did everything we cannot?

how do you live your dependence?

2010-08-27T11:38:00.001-07:00

there are some days life seems unbearable. today is one of those days. no particular thing happened today, but the overall last week came collapsing on a friday. the end of a week appropriately. the temptation, and my prayer that i don't give in is this: reminiscing on the past. not just things, but emotions, coping mechanisms, people, places, everything.

i am a baby when it comes to emotion, since i am just now experiencing them for the first time. the think about emotions, especially for a person experiencing them for the first time, they are overwhelming. pain is so much greater, but the experiencing of life in general is so much more amazing too. Today was the first overwhelming day and before i would just numb myself. i can at will decide to not feel. just caput, done, that is it. i have been praying and screaming to god to take away numbness, since i started to experience what joy in the spirit really is. the trouble is that now that pain is here, i am actively fighting the part of me that knows numbing myself takes it all away. just a little bit of this and that, and no more do i feel. this pain can leave right now. it is more tempting than any drug i have been on and i have been on a few.

The whole life of christ is so emotional, it is an incredible thing. A story of wrath, love, justice, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and all of these are done with passion. it is a story that is filled to the brim with emotion. i am just now experiencing what forgiveness and love are. I know the depth of the gospel in a new way because Jesus has brought feeling to my cold heart. I am finally able to experiencing what happiness is. for the first time i am not overwhelmed by depression, for the first time i am able to love my friends and family. love for the first time is an increbable thing. i just wish i could have discovered it before i did so i could show it to more people than i have.

Also, i am finding out that leadership is vulnerability. leadership is constantly being vulnerable. it is, it just is. Vulnerability in sharing you life, your emotion, time, money. building relationships with people so you can know their needs and desires and being open and transparent with your life so they may see though you and see christ in you. for the first time last week i made myself vulnerable. not in the physical sense, but completely opened myself up emotionally to try and show someone christ, since they needed it. Chrsitanity is an honest way of life. not just because we're told not to lie, but in the sense that we have a sovereign God who is above everything. If he is in and controls everything, then everything has meaning. everything in our story is designed to point us back to him. in joy, death, life, depression, suicide, sex, money, loss, fights, marraiges, they all point to him. how will other people see christ unless we show the way our stories point to him? you can't. vulnerability points to christ.

i am growing so much in these things, but oh, it is so hard to continue to grow in emotion when i am fighting the part of me that is the survival side that knows how to get by and go with less suffering. christ brings new highs and new lows, since i am much more sensitive to the world. i don't have anything on my own anymore. father, i rest my plea in you, since i have nothing. i don't. everything i have is yours. please just take it.

2010-08-25T15:04:00.001-07:00

So, why do we constantly ask, " what on earth is god doing?" seems like a pretty logical question. the problem is that god works in an absurd way. Saves the world by being born in a barn, becoming a carpenter, and dieing a criminals death. pretty absurd. Throughout the bible god worked in ways that seem absolutely crazy. why should i expect anything different in my life and how he works with me?

So, used to when people won wars, they thought it meant that it was whose god was stronger conquered the people. With that said, God was not concerned about his reputation over the growth of His people. Jeremiah 33:24 " have you noticed that these people are saying, " The lord has rejected the two kingdoms he chose?" People God allowing the conquring of israel and Judah as God's rejection of them and his weakness over other Gods. God didn't consider that something to be worried about though, since the development of the hearts of his love was more important.

god didn't just forgive us, rather he took our shame and put it on his own shoulders so we do not have to live in shame any longer. from the begining to now, God is willing to bear shame. Why do we live in shame and live quiet complacent lives?

2010-08-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

the one who was born low
became a carpenter unlike others.
he was exalted, but carried unheard woe
and through this gave us brothers

he worked for one
and served all
his faults were none
but he answered my judgment call

this carpenter was clever
but never duplicit
with his patience
he watched the snake as it bit
and the consequences came in
that seemed to last forever

the greatest thing the carpender built was this
a plan
he made the scales tilt
from deserving death to life

and the one who constructed this great salvation
was abducted by the ones he saved

and through our sin
he created salvation
by killing what we could not win
he saved all creation

2010-08-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

we have a personal God. from the beginning to the end, the bible talks about a God pursuing you, pursuing me. God is all knowing, why did he call after adam and eve asking where were they in the garden? it isn't just some random tale, it was to show pursuit. God was looking for them, God desired to find them. God is extremely personal, yet i find that we have separated God and personal. Even in some of the most christian circles, we make God an impersonal thing. How often do we cry to friends? how often do we tear our hearts open to god? emotion is difficult for me, i have no idea what emotion really is, since growing up i got by by making myself completely numb. that is how i coped with abuse. The trouble with being in a constantly numb state is that nothing is really real. nothing registers, everything passes you by and there is no consequence. in relationships, the moments that should make you absolutely rejoice, you treat them the same as when your brother shoots himself. you don't.

we can only convey what we have experienced. I have never experienced unconditional love. it is hard for me to show unconditional love if not impossible. With numbness, for some reason, we cannot choose what to numb, we have to numb everything. My relationships are very two dimensional right now because i have very little attachment to anyone or anything. I trust people with things, but rarely with myself. when i do trust someone with myself, i numb myself to the area i gave them. the result is people think i am personal, when in reality, i am still numb.

have you experienced joy or intense happiness? by joy, i mean something more than being caught up in a moment of just fun. a lasting overpowering happiness? I just experienced joy for the first time. I have not slept for more than several hours a night for weeks. i have been torn up and spent the nights crying out before God asking what else i had to give. i had nothing else to give. i have nothing else to give. weeks went by without seeing an answer. i found one last night. i started to see where my heart was broken and needed healing. Jesus does bring healing, since just from a statistical stand point i am not supposed to be able to function like i am. after seeing the areas i had issues in, seeing what i needed to work on, and i prayed for healing, i experienced joy for the first time. i have never felt emotion strongly, but this, it was over powering. I went around campus, talked to everyone i could find, talked to people before that intimidated me, i have always been scared of people and covered it up by hiding and trying to be intimidating, but i am no longer scared of people. HA! it is amazing.

the depression i have struggled with for my whole life, it isn't just in remission, it is gone. for the first time in my memory i am not depressed. it is not a struggle to get out of bed, to function, to live. I thought wanting to die was normal! ha!

God is faithful and hears your prayers. scream out and open up before him, since he is able. he just rewired how i am built and how i think. why can't he do the same for you?

2010-08-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

after a solid day with no relief from depression,not for a minute, after months of struggling, you wonder. oh, how much i wonder. what do i have left to give father. i don't know. at this point i don't. i sincerely do not know what i haven't lifted up to you.

2010-08-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have struggled with depression since i was a kid. I am starting to credit it almost as a blessing. recently, struggling with lonleyness and depression has been a source of agony that has pushed me to constant prayer. the relationship with jesus that has been busting forth is absolutely astounding. This depression is driving me away from my constant longing to be independent and forcing me to become completely depended on my father, like a child. i am starting to love this i am not in control thing.

2010-08-08T20:28:00.001-07:00

The temptation i have with depression is to let it continue. I will struggle to try and be motivated enough to pull myself out of depression and i want to allow myself to wallow in it. I think that is more selfpity and pride making me want to wallow in depression rather than pull myself out.

The only time i haven't been in depression or anxiety is when i am in prayer. it is interesting, since i have been in a state of near constant prayer recently. What is strange about it is how life has changed since i have been praying so much. my mindset is very different and also the way things around me play out is very different as well. The interactions i have had after prayer and the conversations that have opened up have been inline with the prayers i have had. ha. it is as if the sustainer of the world is listening.

Jesus loves me. when i focus on the love of jesus and try to find jesus in life, the depression leaves. as soon as i am focusing and worrying on the things around me again, depression returns. in one way, i hate this, since i am depressed a lot, but in other ways, i have never experienced this close of a relationship with Jesus and i am absolutely crazy about the euphoric love he shows to me. God is close to the broken. i am finding this to be very true and that is a beautiful thing.

To clarify, the reason why i view my being able to wallow in depression more as pride is because i have a way that i know brings healing and i am allowing myself to sit in this office chair and avoid pursuing healing. I want to try and fix or heal my struggles myself and put myself in a higher position than is my own. My place is not the place of God, rather my place is to come before the creator and sustainer with my mess. God requires nothing of me. He gave me the perfect gift of grace that makes me capable of falling before Him and finding my comfort in Him. Nothing is required. I do not earn it. I come before God messy and broken and he loves me and heals me.

2010-08-07T11:39:00.001-07:00

in case you were wondering, laundry detergent burns when put into an open wound