There comes a time when you sit down and you realize that you have been running. the concept of running is a strange thing. well, when you are running from an idea in your head it is a very strange thing indeed. Running from your head means numbing, laying around, distracting. these take on a multitude of forms. running means numbing, making yourself busy, making yourself be constantly wrapped up, even being lazy is a form of running.
I have a week or so, give or take, of free nothing to do time. My first instinct, after working my ass off at a summer camp. I exhausted myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally for 8 weeks. 8 long weeks. 2 of those weeks were by choice i went to camp volunteering to beat myself senseless with physical labor. why? why do i always do? why do i always rush? why why why?
When you find yourself sitting down, with no plans ahead, and you begin to panic, you know you have a problem. I suddling realized, there was something deeply wrong with me. i work hard, i love people hard, i enjoy these things, but i was unable to sit down and just relax and enjoy the days work. Solomon said that the best thing for a man to do was to work hard, then go home and eat and drink. i was unable to just enjoy what God has given me.
So, the realization that God of all people is my father. I had no father growing up, i still don't have a strong male figure involved in my life. that is rough. it is. Trying to figure out your spirituality on your own, trying to seperate your mental image of your earthly father from your heavenly father, all these things are just the tip of it. I realized i always struggled to pray my things to god. meaning, telling god, " this is yours. do what you will." i thought that if i told god to do what he wanted, he would do what displeased me. I was scared to give things to him, not only just because i was selfish, but on top of that, i thought he would take things just because i loved them. this may seem like such a stupid realization to you, but for me, this was my concept of God. i interacted with fear between me and god. i feared him instead of respected him as a father. i was scared of him.
I have been praying for the past few days that god would reveal why i was running, since i reconized i was running just because i have grown accustom to spotting when i am hiding something in my heart. then i realized that i was scared more of just loosing what i was lifting up in prayer to god, but i was scared of God. Growing up i was scared of adults because of my parents. i thought all adults were like them and were violent. i never realized that this carried over to my view of God.
to sum it up, i figured that out.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Jesus is an interesting thing. He softens my heart in ways that are hard to explain. i find myself in the repeating pattern of hardening my heart until jesus invades and melts my heart again. As my pride trys to build me up once again, i have to be melted and reduced to a puddle once more. i find though, it is in my puddle like states, that i can admit i am a puddle, that christ is glorified to most. Since, well, i am a puddle. that is why the gospel is just so flippin-fan-tastic. The absolute worthlessness of my heart in its original state and in it's continuing state is why i am fascinated with the gospel. To understand how great God is, i have to see how great my sin is. As i grow closer to Christ there is a much greater contrast between who i was and who i am, but more importantly, i see my sin in a much brighter light than i did before. Christ increases the contrast between who god is and who i am. The only way i ever understood that i was depraved in anyway was when Christ first illuminated my life. he is the reveler of all those deep and hidden things i didn't know were there. yeah. he is good at that.
Life is broken, life is a struggle for me. existing doesn't really happen. financial issues, relational issues, the slow and not inevitable cycle of ending my relationship with my parents, trying to find a job, paying my bills, trying to find a counselor, all these things. they hurt, they suck, they make me struggle. David struggled, i figured he would have an idea of what to do. Usually he cried out before God. got that down. the crying part that is. the more interesting thing to me wasn't always what he did, rather what he plea was in some of his psalms
psalm 79:9
Help us, O God our Savior,
for the glory of your name;
deliver us and forgive our sins
for your name's sake.
psalm 25: 11
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
He rests his plea on God's own name. God loves you and me not because of who we are, but because of who HE IS. It is his own nature that causes him to love us. God love and mercy go before us in everything and he sees his mercy first. before my own problems, my guilt, my selfishness, my ass like nature, comes God's own mercy. that is hope. since i am guilty and i see my sin in a new light constantly and the guilt often seems overbearing, but the absolute reassurance that god's love is based on him, not me, is heart melting comfort. God breaking me and loving me seem very similar now, since they are tied. The same thing happens when i am being broken or i am realizing his deep deep and full love of me, i melt. all those barriers i put up vanish and for awhile, i am honest about my life to everyone and through my weakness show christ instead of my alleged strength.
i have said my fill.
Life is broken, life is a struggle for me. existing doesn't really happen. financial issues, relational issues, the slow and not inevitable cycle of ending my relationship with my parents, trying to find a job, paying my bills, trying to find a counselor, all these things. they hurt, they suck, they make me struggle. David struggled, i figured he would have an idea of what to do. Usually he cried out before God. got that down. the crying part that is. the more interesting thing to me wasn't always what he did, rather what he plea was in some of his psalms
psalm 79:9
Help us, O God our Savior,
for the glory of your name;
deliver us and forgive our sins
for your name's sake.
psalm 25: 11
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
He rests his plea on God's own name. God loves you and me not because of who we are, but because of who HE IS. It is his own nature that causes him to love us. God love and mercy go before us in everything and he sees his mercy first. before my own problems, my guilt, my selfishness, my ass like nature, comes God's own mercy. that is hope. since i am guilty and i see my sin in a new light constantly and the guilt often seems overbearing, but the absolute reassurance that god's love is based on him, not me, is heart melting comfort. God breaking me and loving me seem very similar now, since they are tied. The same thing happens when i am being broken or i am realizing his deep deep and full love of me, i melt. all those barriers i put up vanish and for awhile, i am honest about my life to everyone and through my weakness show christ instead of my alleged strength.
i have said my fill.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Day 22- june 8th
I have had my campers for a day and some change. I have an amazing cabin. Absolutely amazing kids. Two of the kids come from previously abusive homes and I have one kid that I know has a horrible relationship with his dad. The time that I get to know the kids the best is during the bible studies that I lead at night with my cabin. All of the kids are very open to the bible and what I am talking about in it and most of my kids have grown up in church and know a lot of this and that about theology and a few have a very open and sincere relationship with Christ and it shows in every area of life at camp. The thing that wrenches my heart is that there are kids that have never seen any actually christnains in their life. It is horrifying to realize that I am the best chance they have of seeing Christ in their life, possibly until next summer when they come back to camp. I am not struggling with the kids, but I am strugglingwith my own heart and my body. Physically I am sick, but not reporting it, since I don’t want to be pulled from my cabin. I love my kids too much to leave them for a day or two. I am struggling to find time for good prayer and bible reading. I have no excuse except my own weak heart. I am going to go start praying over my bible study for tonight. I don’t know what to do for the kids who have bad homesituations. It is just so hard to watch and just love and trust that God is building something better through this. I just struggle to see these kids like this.
Day 23- june 9th.
So, I started reading revalation and haven’t been able to put it down. The verse that struck me the hardest is when jesus talks about how he would prefer if people were either hot or cold, not luke warm. If you’re luke warm, he will spit you out. I realize that I have been treating my campers much like intense babysitter, not as a ministry. As a whole staff we have been cought up in building our own relationships and not focusing on the campers at all. We have been a very luke warm staff so far. Later on in revalations 3 it talks about how those who overcome have a spot on gods throne with jesus. We are seated as kings and we are living in such a way that is completely forsaking that great gift. My heart is so cold and no where near as passionate about campers as I should be. This is a ministry and the place where I can share oh so openly how passionate I am about chirst. Yet, I barely do.
Day 24 june 10th
I talked to my boss about the staff and myself being inpassionate and luke warm, since honestly, there are very few people on staff this year who are passionate. There are a lot of people here that I know love the campers and have the most sincere desire to love them, but aren’t. so, I have been talking to those people and they have been responding well and are in the same boat that I am and have been thankful to hear someone else struggling with lack of passion.
I have been praying for my heart to be made sensitive about my campers needs and desires and to be given the ability to meet them. Wow… prayer always strikes me as strange, since it is answered. I have never been ripped apart so hard by just being around kids. One kid has an eating disorder and I find him, after every meal, throwing up in the bathroom since for some reason he hates eating. He is twelve and so malnourished, not be lack of food, but because he refuses to eat anything. He is so tiny, since he has no nutrition. Today at breakfast, Daniel, my camper, ate half of a waffle, and then went to the bathroom. He goes to the bathroom after and during every meal. I got suspicious about his “bathroom habits” and then started to follow him to the bathroom and heard his gagging and throwing up… there is nothing I can do to help him really besides talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear anything. His parents know about all of this, but haven’t pursued anything to really fix this, they just let him eat how he wants to eat.
Day 25 june 11th
I am sick again. The lack of sleep and the high stress levels of camp make everyone sick very quickly. I am staying in the cabin and just taking a lot of advil and sinus medicine. So far I feel decent enough it hasn’t effected how I interact with campers. Hopefully on the weekend I will be able to sleep well enough to get well. I hate so badly having to get a new group of campers. I don’t want to leave the ones I have now. It is so hard to separate after attaching yourself to them for a week and then be thrown into a new cabin on kids. I don’t know how go about it easily. Since, I can make myself numb, but then I am insincere and not a good example of Christ, but if I am sincere, it hurts so bad to see all of them go and then get another group in, attach, break, attach, break, repeat.
Day 27- june 13th
A new group of campers. It is so hard to break and attach. I have had this new group for a day and they are so different than the last group. The last group was thirsty and eager to always grab something more about Christ. This group is easy to babysit, they are easy to please, they are easy to watch, but they are oh so hard to minister to. I can’t really minister to them, since they are already filled with what they want. It is so discouraging to have a group that pretty openly doesn’t want to hear anything that pertains to gospel. I am quickly realizing that the thirst of the campers last week had nothing to do with me, rather it was all god working through me. My Co-counselor and I are doing the same thing this week as last week, but nothing is happening in their hearts like it was last week. I realize that I am a tool, not the wielder.
Day 28 june 15th
This cabin is very easy to babysit, but there is no thirst for the gospel. It is almost depressing, since I am trying to hard to show them the gospel, but there is no interest. It feels like I am hitting a wall over and over. I am exuasted from opening up, I am still sick and I put so much energy into them and nothing is happening in their hearts. Nothing at all. I am been praying and begging god for seeds to be planted and for their hearts to open up all week, but nothing has happened yet.
Day 29 june 16th.
I don’t know what you believe, since you are reading this, on satan and demons and how active they are… last night I was asleep and my Co woke me up saying there was something strange going on. A camper walked across a pitch black room and was laying his hands on my co’s face. The kid responded to all the questions in a monotone voice saying “ no.” then he walked to his bed and went back to sleep. Five minutes later, another kid got out of his bed and walked to matt to lay hands on his face, that kid went back to bed. Then another, and another, and another. All 12 kids were sitting up, one at a time, in bunk order, getting up. Matt and I paniced and jumped in our counselor corner. Huddled together we started praying and crying. After praying and yelling in the name of jesus for this thing to leave, we got up and prayed over every camper and laid hands on them praying while they slept. Two and a half hours later the kids went back to normal and the crickets started chirping again and the frogs started crocking, we didn’t realize it until they started back, but there had been no noise, at all, in the cabin or outside.
On a less demonic note, my unit director has been asking me to take more of a leadership role and I have been trying to be more of a spiritual leader in the unit by openly confronting people, since we have had a lot of luke warm attitudes, including myself, that have effected camp in a lot of negative ways. It is a little more depressing being in a leadership role rather than being led. When you’re trying to be more of a leader, you are slightly removed from the group and you see a lot more sin in yourself and in the people you are trying to lead. It is so painful to see though.
I have had my campers for a day and some change. I have an amazing cabin. Absolutely amazing kids. Two of the kids come from previously abusive homes and I have one kid that I know has a horrible relationship with his dad. The time that I get to know the kids the best is during the bible studies that I lead at night with my cabin. All of the kids are very open to the bible and what I am talking about in it and most of my kids have grown up in church and know a lot of this and that about theology and a few have a very open and sincere relationship with Christ and it shows in every area of life at camp. The thing that wrenches my heart is that there are kids that have never seen any actually christnains in their life. It is horrifying to realize that I am the best chance they have of seeing Christ in their life, possibly until next summer when they come back to camp. I am not struggling with the kids, but I am strugglingwith my own heart and my body. Physically I am sick, but not reporting it, since I don’t want to be pulled from my cabin. I love my kids too much to leave them for a day or two. I am struggling to find time for good prayer and bible reading. I have no excuse except my own weak heart. I am going to go start praying over my bible study for tonight. I don’t know what to do for the kids who have bad homesituations. It is just so hard to watch and just love and trust that God is building something better through this. I just struggle to see these kids like this.
Day 23- june 9th.
So, I started reading revalation and haven’t been able to put it down. The verse that struck me the hardest is when jesus talks about how he would prefer if people were either hot or cold, not luke warm. If you’re luke warm, he will spit you out. I realize that I have been treating my campers much like intense babysitter, not as a ministry. As a whole staff we have been cought up in building our own relationships and not focusing on the campers at all. We have been a very luke warm staff so far. Later on in revalations 3 it talks about how those who overcome have a spot on gods throne with jesus. We are seated as kings and we are living in such a way that is completely forsaking that great gift. My heart is so cold and no where near as passionate about campers as I should be. This is a ministry and the place where I can share oh so openly how passionate I am about chirst. Yet, I barely do.
Day 24 june 10th
I talked to my boss about the staff and myself being inpassionate and luke warm, since honestly, there are very few people on staff this year who are passionate. There are a lot of people here that I know love the campers and have the most sincere desire to love them, but aren’t. so, I have been talking to those people and they have been responding well and are in the same boat that I am and have been thankful to hear someone else struggling with lack of passion.
I have been praying for my heart to be made sensitive about my campers needs and desires and to be given the ability to meet them. Wow… prayer always strikes me as strange, since it is answered. I have never been ripped apart so hard by just being around kids. One kid has an eating disorder and I find him, after every meal, throwing up in the bathroom since for some reason he hates eating. He is twelve and so malnourished, not be lack of food, but because he refuses to eat anything. He is so tiny, since he has no nutrition. Today at breakfast, Daniel, my camper, ate half of a waffle, and then went to the bathroom. He goes to the bathroom after and during every meal. I got suspicious about his “bathroom habits” and then started to follow him to the bathroom and heard his gagging and throwing up… there is nothing I can do to help him really besides talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear anything. His parents know about all of this, but haven’t pursued anything to really fix this, they just let him eat how he wants to eat.
Day 25 june 11th
I am sick again. The lack of sleep and the high stress levels of camp make everyone sick very quickly. I am staying in the cabin and just taking a lot of advil and sinus medicine. So far I feel decent enough it hasn’t effected how I interact with campers. Hopefully on the weekend I will be able to sleep well enough to get well. I hate so badly having to get a new group of campers. I don’t want to leave the ones I have now. It is so hard to separate after attaching yourself to them for a week and then be thrown into a new cabin on kids. I don’t know how go about it easily. Since, I can make myself numb, but then I am insincere and not a good example of Christ, but if I am sincere, it hurts so bad to see all of them go and then get another group in, attach, break, attach, break, repeat.
Day 27- june 13th
A new group of campers. It is so hard to break and attach. I have had this new group for a day and they are so different than the last group. The last group was thirsty and eager to always grab something more about Christ. This group is easy to babysit, they are easy to please, they are easy to watch, but they are oh so hard to minister to. I can’t really minister to them, since they are already filled with what they want. It is so discouraging to have a group that pretty openly doesn’t want to hear anything that pertains to gospel. I am quickly realizing that the thirst of the campers last week had nothing to do with me, rather it was all god working through me. My Co-counselor and I are doing the same thing this week as last week, but nothing is happening in their hearts like it was last week. I realize that I am a tool, not the wielder.
Day 28 june 15th
This cabin is very easy to babysit, but there is no thirst for the gospel. It is almost depressing, since I am trying to hard to show them the gospel, but there is no interest. It feels like I am hitting a wall over and over. I am exuasted from opening up, I am still sick and I put so much energy into them and nothing is happening in their hearts. Nothing at all. I am been praying and begging god for seeds to be planted and for their hearts to open up all week, but nothing has happened yet.
Day 29 june 16th.
I don’t know what you believe, since you are reading this, on satan and demons and how active they are… last night I was asleep and my Co woke me up saying there was something strange going on. A camper walked across a pitch black room and was laying his hands on my co’s face. The kid responded to all the questions in a monotone voice saying “ no.” then he walked to his bed and went back to sleep. Five minutes later, another kid got out of his bed and walked to matt to lay hands on his face, that kid went back to bed. Then another, and another, and another. All 12 kids were sitting up, one at a time, in bunk order, getting up. Matt and I paniced and jumped in our counselor corner. Huddled together we started praying and crying. After praying and yelling in the name of jesus for this thing to leave, we got up and prayed over every camper and laid hands on them praying while they slept. Two and a half hours later the kids went back to normal and the crickets started chirping again and the frogs started crocking, we didn’t realize it until they started back, but there had been no noise, at all, in the cabin or outside.
On a less demonic note, my unit director has been asking me to take more of a leadership role and I have been trying to be more of a spiritual leader in the unit by openly confronting people, since we have had a lot of luke warm attitudes, including myself, that have effected camp in a lot of negative ways. It is a little more depressing being in a leadership role rather than being led. When you’re trying to be more of a leader, you are slightly removed from the group and you see a lot more sin in yourself and in the people you are trying to lead. It is so painful to see though.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Day 13- may 31st
Today was the first day of running a camp schedule, which means we have to start getting up at 6 every day and we have meetings until 10:30pm today. It was a long, but good day. We went to a local observatory today, which was quite a treat. French camp, ms is the least light polluted place in the midsouth, so, there is a large federal grant for observatory equipment. There were two profesors there who are world renound for their work in astronomy. They went and explained how big space it and everything. It was extremely humbling to realize that I live in one of the smallest planets and there are millions that we don’t know about out there. A God created this and still has enough love to care for me as a person and wants to have a personal relationship with me. It is humbling to realize how small I am.
Day 14 june 1st.
Today was a day where I could barely wake up, even though it is Sunday, there is still a full day planned. We got 2 hours off today since it in Sunday, but still, it isn’t a restful sabath. There was no manual labor done, rather just meetings and paper work. There is some grumbling in the guys unit about some volunteers that have been working here. Mostly just one guys has been causing some issues with the volunteers. Hopefully it will pass over, but I doubt it will. I will see where it goes before I talk to anyone about it. Today my struggle is keeping a good attitude inspite of my lack of sleep. I have been put in a leadership position, since I have the most cabin experience in the guys unit this year. It is a year with a lot of new staff. Realizing that even though I may feel like crap, I need to keep my attitude very positive because people are looking up to me.
Day 15 june 2nd
I didn’t get to bed until late tonight. I was walking around the campus of CRS before I went to bed praying over the campus and over the buildings. As I was walking another guy was walking and we started talking. We talked for upwards of three hours. Mostly he talked and I listened, but I had been praying for God to show the needs of the people around me and for me to be able to meet their needs. Which was interesting, since as I was praying that this conversation was struck up. This was a guy I have known for 4 years and never seen him break down, since he is very much so an introvert, but he broke down and was trying to get to his cabin unnoticed so he wouldn’t break down infront of people. One of the most common things that happens at camp is that people see their sin in a new light than they did before and they actually see their sin. People act like mirrors and when you are in a place where everyone is reflecting Christ, it is a convicting environment.
Day 16 june 2
I have been sleeping in meetings recently, not intentionally, but sleeping nonetheless. It has been a struggle to stay awake due to the massive amount of material being covered. However, despite my tiredness, it was an exciting day. The guy I am paired with is a great guy and I have known of him for awhile, but never actually gotten to know him until now. He has been dating one of my close friends for awhile, which is how I know him. We went on the staff campout where we will take out campers every Monday and it had been raining for a while, so, we cheated on building the fire and used paper towels to start it, since neither of us felt like starting it with just twigs in the rain. Both of us have done it before and are capable to starting a fire in the rain, but neither of us felt enough enthusasism for the outdoors to do that.
The more I get to know matt, the more I like him, but also the more I worry for him. He changed his life in a lot of ways and grew closer to Christ because of his changes. What he based the reason for changing his life on is a temporary thing, a girl. I worry that if his relationship ends he will go back to what he was doing. Since he still struggles with addictions, even though he hasn’t been on anything for a year.
Day 17 june 3rd.
Today was the second to last passion play practice. It is probably the night where campers are the most open to hearing the gospel, since all week we have been trying to demonstrate the gospel to them and show it to them in practice, but this is the clearest presentation of the gospel. While we were practicing it, almost all of our hearts were not in the play and we were, all of us as a staff, joking during it. After one run through, one staff member started praying and a few of us felt guilty for treating this so lightly and started asking other staff members to take it more seriously. After this, one long time member sat everyone down and basically told us we have no excuse for acting so jokingly during this. After she talked to us everyone took is seriously and I have never felt so low during the passion play. The story of my savior was something I was taking lightly. Strangely enough, in all this, I play the Sanhedrin who arranged for Christ death.
Day 18 june 4th
Today my alarm went off for 10 minutes before I woke up. I am getting sick, I am exuasted, and campers aren’t even here. In the past few days several staff members, who are older than I am, have been coming to me asking me for advice, but also confiding in me with their personal lives and also in their concerns and issues for camp. The problem with a staff member and the volunteers is still going on. After talking to my unit director and another staff member talking to the unit director the issue was addressed and it seems to have mostly been resovled.
Today I trained several people in how to sail and in how to teach camp skills, and several other activities. Today is the last full day of training. I have an appointment to talk to the director about issues in the guys unit on Saturday. I have a lot of respect for the director and am looking forward to talking to her.
To end the last full day of training, all the guys went for a midnight swim and we sang cheesy 90’s pop songs on the floating dock to the girls unit. It is one of the many strange bonding times that have been a crs tradition for years.
Day 19 june 5th
Today we have half the day off and half of Sunday off. I spent the entire day sleeping and then I woke up for supper, ran to walmart and around 9:30 met with the director. There have been some issues in years past with the guys unit when there either isn’t a UD who builds solid relationships with the unit or there isn’t time to build solid relationships. The authority card really doesn’t work well at camp, since every staff member is so desperately needed, it is rare and difficult to fire someone. I talked to carrie about the schedule and how there needs to be more down time for the sake of building relationships with staff from the prospective of the leadership staff. She agreed and asked how I was doing and how I was handling the year and my thoughts on the rest of camp and such. I have a lot of respect for the directors openness and her love for camp.
Day 20 june 6th.
Campers are coming in two hours… I dunno if I am ready for that yet. I have 12-13 year olds, the oldest group of kids on CRS campus. Pray Christ works through me and I loose myself in all this.
Today was the first day of running a camp schedule, which means we have to start getting up at 6 every day and we have meetings until 10:30pm today. It was a long, but good day. We went to a local observatory today, which was quite a treat. French camp, ms is the least light polluted place in the midsouth, so, there is a large federal grant for observatory equipment. There were two profesors there who are world renound for their work in astronomy. They went and explained how big space it and everything. It was extremely humbling to realize that I live in one of the smallest planets and there are millions that we don’t know about out there. A God created this and still has enough love to care for me as a person and wants to have a personal relationship with me. It is humbling to realize how small I am.
Day 14 june 1st.
Today was a day where I could barely wake up, even though it is Sunday, there is still a full day planned. We got 2 hours off today since it in Sunday, but still, it isn’t a restful sabath. There was no manual labor done, rather just meetings and paper work. There is some grumbling in the guys unit about some volunteers that have been working here. Mostly just one guys has been causing some issues with the volunteers. Hopefully it will pass over, but I doubt it will. I will see where it goes before I talk to anyone about it. Today my struggle is keeping a good attitude inspite of my lack of sleep. I have been put in a leadership position, since I have the most cabin experience in the guys unit this year. It is a year with a lot of new staff. Realizing that even though I may feel like crap, I need to keep my attitude very positive because people are looking up to me.
Day 15 june 2nd
I didn’t get to bed until late tonight. I was walking around the campus of CRS before I went to bed praying over the campus and over the buildings. As I was walking another guy was walking and we started talking. We talked for upwards of three hours. Mostly he talked and I listened, but I had been praying for God to show the needs of the people around me and for me to be able to meet their needs. Which was interesting, since as I was praying that this conversation was struck up. This was a guy I have known for 4 years and never seen him break down, since he is very much so an introvert, but he broke down and was trying to get to his cabin unnoticed so he wouldn’t break down infront of people. One of the most common things that happens at camp is that people see their sin in a new light than they did before and they actually see their sin. People act like mirrors and when you are in a place where everyone is reflecting Christ, it is a convicting environment.
Day 16 june 2
I have been sleeping in meetings recently, not intentionally, but sleeping nonetheless. It has been a struggle to stay awake due to the massive amount of material being covered. However, despite my tiredness, it was an exciting day. The guy I am paired with is a great guy and I have known of him for awhile, but never actually gotten to know him until now. He has been dating one of my close friends for awhile, which is how I know him. We went on the staff campout where we will take out campers every Monday and it had been raining for a while, so, we cheated on building the fire and used paper towels to start it, since neither of us felt like starting it with just twigs in the rain. Both of us have done it before and are capable to starting a fire in the rain, but neither of us felt enough enthusasism for the outdoors to do that.
The more I get to know matt, the more I like him, but also the more I worry for him. He changed his life in a lot of ways and grew closer to Christ because of his changes. What he based the reason for changing his life on is a temporary thing, a girl. I worry that if his relationship ends he will go back to what he was doing. Since he still struggles with addictions, even though he hasn’t been on anything for a year.
Day 17 june 3rd.
Today was the second to last passion play practice. It is probably the night where campers are the most open to hearing the gospel, since all week we have been trying to demonstrate the gospel to them and show it to them in practice, but this is the clearest presentation of the gospel. While we were practicing it, almost all of our hearts were not in the play and we were, all of us as a staff, joking during it. After one run through, one staff member started praying and a few of us felt guilty for treating this so lightly and started asking other staff members to take it more seriously. After this, one long time member sat everyone down and basically told us we have no excuse for acting so jokingly during this. After she talked to us everyone took is seriously and I have never felt so low during the passion play. The story of my savior was something I was taking lightly. Strangely enough, in all this, I play the Sanhedrin who arranged for Christ death.
Day 18 june 4th
Today my alarm went off for 10 minutes before I woke up. I am getting sick, I am exuasted, and campers aren’t even here. In the past few days several staff members, who are older than I am, have been coming to me asking me for advice, but also confiding in me with their personal lives and also in their concerns and issues for camp. The problem with a staff member and the volunteers is still going on. After talking to my unit director and another staff member talking to the unit director the issue was addressed and it seems to have mostly been resovled.
Today I trained several people in how to sail and in how to teach camp skills, and several other activities. Today is the last full day of training. I have an appointment to talk to the director about issues in the guys unit on Saturday. I have a lot of respect for the director and am looking forward to talking to her.
To end the last full day of training, all the guys went for a midnight swim and we sang cheesy 90’s pop songs on the floating dock to the girls unit. It is one of the many strange bonding times that have been a crs tradition for years.
Day 19 june 5th
Today we have half the day off and half of Sunday off. I spent the entire day sleeping and then I woke up for supper, ran to walmart and around 9:30 met with the director. There have been some issues in years past with the guys unit when there either isn’t a UD who builds solid relationships with the unit or there isn’t time to build solid relationships. The authority card really doesn’t work well at camp, since every staff member is so desperately needed, it is rare and difficult to fire someone. I talked to carrie about the schedule and how there needs to be more down time for the sake of building relationships with staff from the prospective of the leadership staff. She agreed and asked how I was doing and how I was handling the year and my thoughts on the rest of camp and such. I have a lot of respect for the directors openness and her love for camp.
Day 20 june 6th.
Campers are coming in two hours… I dunno if I am ready for that yet. I have 12-13 year olds, the oldest group of kids on CRS campus. Pray Christ works through me and I loose myself in all this.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Day 3- may 20th
Today is a Thursday. It was an exausting day of manual labor and I was tired enough I had very little time to think, since after supper I showered and am now writing this and about to sleep. I am looking forward to the weekend. On Saturday morning I am going to leave after breakfast and go back to jackson to pick up some stuff I forgot at my house, get my rent paid for june, and I have a date with my girlfriend, which is something I am anticipating with excitement.
Day 4- may 21st
Another hard day of manual labor. We finsihed building a small climbing wall and then it started pouring rain as we were getting all the power tools under cover along with our generator. As it was pouring, we had two more low element courses to build that didn’t require any tools that would be dammaged by rain. After 3 hours of working on building the foundations for the low element courses it stopped raining and we went to supper. I have been struggling to keep my spiriutal strength and am relying on just not thinking. There is so much work to be done here, I find myself isolating myself not from people, but from self examination. I feel like there is barrier between me and God right now. I am not sure if it is the lack of work in my relationship with jesus that is making this barrier, or if there is sin in my life I am not seeing. I am going to pray about this tonight and see what happens.
Day 5- may 22
This journal is written a few days after the weekend. Started the day off by sleeping in an hour, but at CRS you can only sleep in until you wake up sweating again in your cabin. There is no AC, so, around 9am when the sun hits the woods, you start to heat up real quick. After a late breakfast and converastions two co-workers and I left for jackson. After getting my buisness in town done I went to my house and had a quick nap, my girlfriend showed up. I have been dating her for a few months and I am still trying to figure out how to have and actively show that I have a godly relationship. How does christ function as the center of your relationship? How do you love someone as christ loves you? Over the weekend I realized that there were a lot of things I know in my head, love like christ, be willing to loose everything for Christ, nothing should bea larger priority than God, things of this nature… I realized in my relationship I had been incredibly selfish and not acted in a very godly manner. While in my head I knew I should be willing to give up a relationship if that is in gods will, I have never made that priority shift in my heart. When your priorites are not inline, somethigs that cannont bear the wieght you put on them, like relationships, begin to fall apart. God was gracious enough to me to anwer my prayers asking for me to see where I needed to change my life to show me my priorities and how they were messed up. After realizing this, I spent most of the night praying and figuring out how to explain this to my girlfriend. It all makes sense in my head, but I am not a terribly verbal person, so, I have to think awhile before I talk, otherwise it is gibberish. I hope this journal is more than gibberish, since I am usually rushed in writing it.
Day 6- may 23
It is a Sunday. I miss relaxed Sundays. Today was a good Sunday, a very good Sunday. I woke up late, since I got to sleep in my house. I was looking forward to air condition, but the AC was shot upstiars in my house and my roommate was working on fixing it ( peter sinclair. Who did this internship with you last year. I thought you would like to make the connection that I am rooming with him. Random note) so, I slept in our other roommates room, which had air conditioning. After eating a nice breakfast I went to church, enjoyed the service. It was an unlifting sermon on how we are to live by jesus alone. After church I went to lunch with my girlfriend and we talked about rearranging our priorities in our relationship and how we have not been glorifiying God in our relationship. I spent the rest of the afternoon with her, then I had to go back to CRS.
Day 7 may 24th- I got to CRS at one in the morning ( I have a habit of this) and in addition to our little band of mantience men was the head cooks son, Rodrie. We call him Rod. He is 13 years old and his mom had no healthy enviroment to keep him in, since his father left early on and only visits occasionally and day care really is not the best place for a kid to be. So, we agreed to let him work with us and to take care of him. I found my heart bitter and thinking, “it isn’t camp time. I am having to deal with kids… why is he here…” I was prideful, I was not loving. The biggest struggle at camp is not the campers, it is not the work, it is my own sinful heart. Camp is stressful, even in the pre-staff training time I am in right now. Sleep deprivation, physical stress, and then having a very stuborn kid who has been trying to pick fights and you repeated stop him, it makes all the things about your own heart that you try to hide, like my ungreatfulness, my unloving side, my judgementalness ( is that a word?) come out. As the day went on I saw this problem in my heart and started to pray for my heart. God is a god of answered prayers and he gave me the heart to love Rod. Realizing that our small little group of guys are the most christ like people in his life strage and scary thing. That God placed him around four guys who are more godly than I am, and given us the ability to love him.
Red, a fellow mantience man who volunteered, was my first counselor pair when I started working at CRS, dealt with Rod in a way that convicted my own heart. Rod started challenging and trynig to provoke Red to see how far he could push him. Red, after a few pushes and threats from Rod said, “ I am calling your bluff. You don’t want to fight any of us. We are bigger than you are, none of us want to fight you either. We want to get along, finish our work, and enjoy the day. If you want to fight, lets go, if not, lets work.” After that, Rod never tried any attempts to start a fight that openly. After the confrontation like that, Red made and effort to show Rod love and give him affirmation in the work he was doing. Red is a very loving person to kids, especially kids like Rod.
Day 8-may 25th
Today was a a tiring day. I woke up still sleepy, not just waking up sleepy, but groggy sleepy all day. Still, at the end of the day, I am ready to go to bed and it is only 6pm. So, I plan to sleep early tonight. The day started out with Rod coming into our cabin yelling, “ you all are lazy. Wake up.” Then Red saying, “ Rod… it is 6:30.” Rod waited a few more minute and then yelled again. So, we got up and started working until breakfast. Rod is opening up more to us and is more willing to work, but not very willing yet. It has only been two days, but it feels like a much longer time than that. After praying for the ability to love Rod, it is becoming much easier to show him love. I am realizing everyday that my heart is numb and heart by my own choosing, since it is easier to ignore than to deal with something. Slowly, very slowly, my heart is waking up and I am changing. Hopefully this process will speed up.
Today is a Thursday. It was an exausting day of manual labor and I was tired enough I had very little time to think, since after supper I showered and am now writing this and about to sleep. I am looking forward to the weekend. On Saturday morning I am going to leave after breakfast and go back to jackson to pick up some stuff I forgot at my house, get my rent paid for june, and I have a date with my girlfriend, which is something I am anticipating with excitement.
Day 4- may 21st
Another hard day of manual labor. We finsihed building a small climbing wall and then it started pouring rain as we were getting all the power tools under cover along with our generator. As it was pouring, we had two more low element courses to build that didn’t require any tools that would be dammaged by rain. After 3 hours of working on building the foundations for the low element courses it stopped raining and we went to supper. I have been struggling to keep my spiriutal strength and am relying on just not thinking. There is so much work to be done here, I find myself isolating myself not from people, but from self examination. I feel like there is barrier between me and God right now. I am not sure if it is the lack of work in my relationship with jesus that is making this barrier, or if there is sin in my life I am not seeing. I am going to pray about this tonight and see what happens.
Day 5- may 22
This journal is written a few days after the weekend. Started the day off by sleeping in an hour, but at CRS you can only sleep in until you wake up sweating again in your cabin. There is no AC, so, around 9am when the sun hits the woods, you start to heat up real quick. After a late breakfast and converastions two co-workers and I left for jackson. After getting my buisness in town done I went to my house and had a quick nap, my girlfriend showed up. I have been dating her for a few months and I am still trying to figure out how to have and actively show that I have a godly relationship. How does christ function as the center of your relationship? How do you love someone as christ loves you? Over the weekend I realized that there were a lot of things I know in my head, love like christ, be willing to loose everything for Christ, nothing should bea larger priority than God, things of this nature… I realized in my relationship I had been incredibly selfish and not acted in a very godly manner. While in my head I knew I should be willing to give up a relationship if that is in gods will, I have never made that priority shift in my heart. When your priorites are not inline, somethigs that cannont bear the wieght you put on them, like relationships, begin to fall apart. God was gracious enough to me to anwer my prayers asking for me to see where I needed to change my life to show me my priorities and how they were messed up. After realizing this, I spent most of the night praying and figuring out how to explain this to my girlfriend. It all makes sense in my head, but I am not a terribly verbal person, so, I have to think awhile before I talk, otherwise it is gibberish. I hope this journal is more than gibberish, since I am usually rushed in writing it.
Day 6- may 23
It is a Sunday. I miss relaxed Sundays. Today was a good Sunday, a very good Sunday. I woke up late, since I got to sleep in my house. I was looking forward to air condition, but the AC was shot upstiars in my house and my roommate was working on fixing it ( peter sinclair. Who did this internship with you last year. I thought you would like to make the connection that I am rooming with him. Random note) so, I slept in our other roommates room, which had air conditioning. After eating a nice breakfast I went to church, enjoyed the service. It was an unlifting sermon on how we are to live by jesus alone. After church I went to lunch with my girlfriend and we talked about rearranging our priorities in our relationship and how we have not been glorifiying God in our relationship. I spent the rest of the afternoon with her, then I had to go back to CRS.
Day 7 may 24th- I got to CRS at one in the morning ( I have a habit of this) and in addition to our little band of mantience men was the head cooks son, Rodrie. We call him Rod. He is 13 years old and his mom had no healthy enviroment to keep him in, since his father left early on and only visits occasionally and day care really is not the best place for a kid to be. So, we agreed to let him work with us and to take care of him. I found my heart bitter and thinking, “it isn’t camp time. I am having to deal with kids… why is he here…” I was prideful, I was not loving. The biggest struggle at camp is not the campers, it is not the work, it is my own sinful heart. Camp is stressful, even in the pre-staff training time I am in right now. Sleep deprivation, physical stress, and then having a very stuborn kid who has been trying to pick fights and you repeated stop him, it makes all the things about your own heart that you try to hide, like my ungreatfulness, my unloving side, my judgementalness ( is that a word?) come out. As the day went on I saw this problem in my heart and started to pray for my heart. God is a god of answered prayers and he gave me the heart to love Rod. Realizing that our small little group of guys are the most christ like people in his life strage and scary thing. That God placed him around four guys who are more godly than I am, and given us the ability to love him.
Red, a fellow mantience man who volunteered, was my first counselor pair when I started working at CRS, dealt with Rod in a way that convicted my own heart. Rod started challenging and trynig to provoke Red to see how far he could push him. Red, after a few pushes and threats from Rod said, “ I am calling your bluff. You don’t want to fight any of us. We are bigger than you are, none of us want to fight you either. We want to get along, finish our work, and enjoy the day. If you want to fight, lets go, if not, lets work.” After that, Rod never tried any attempts to start a fight that openly. After the confrontation like that, Red made and effort to show Rod love and give him affirmation in the work he was doing. Red is a very loving person to kids, especially kids like Rod.
Day 8-may 25th
Today was a a tiring day. I woke up still sleepy, not just waking up sleepy, but groggy sleepy all day. Still, at the end of the day, I am ready to go to bed and it is only 6pm. So, I plan to sleep early tonight. The day started out with Rod coming into our cabin yelling, “ you all are lazy. Wake up.” Then Red saying, “ Rod… it is 6:30.” Rod waited a few more minute and then yelled again. So, we got up and started working until breakfast. Rod is opening up more to us and is more willing to work, but not very willing yet. It has only been two days, but it feels like a much longer time than that. After praying for the ability to love Rod, it is becoming much easier to show him love. I am realizing everyday that my heart is numb and heart by my own choosing, since it is easier to ignore than to deal with something. Slowly, very slowly, my heart is waking up and I am changing. Hopefully this process will speed up.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Day 1- may 18th
It is the end of the day as I write this. I arrived at camp very happy to be here, since it was 1:30am and I was ready to sleep and stop driving and bed down for the night. After five hours of sleep I woke up to a fellow counselor who was returning for another year of camp who had gotten up early to have a bible study before the work day started. Slowly more people came into the dining hall, where I slept, and conversations and greetings were very welcoming and made me feel like I made the right decision to come back to CRS for a third summer. I struggled to sign my contract for a third summer, since I was not sure if I should go back to summer camp for yet another year. Part of the struggle is that people contantly talk about finding real jobs, growing up, doing grown up things, ect. Summer camp is never in the list of things they talk about doing as grown ups and is usually looked down upon by the adult community. Atleast it is in the community of adults I grew up with and a lot of the adults I am still around. None-the-less, I am here for another summer.
The struggle I found myself in at the end of the day is that I am good at working at CRS. I have grown up coming here and I have grown up loning to work here. My first year I was hysterical when I got to sign my contract, since this was always my summer escape and now I got to be a bigger part of it than just a participant. I got to CRS and I knew exactly what all needed to be done in preparation for campers to get here and even the other staff gets here. I am running on cruise control. I know what to do when, what to say, how to act. There isn’t anything really challenging me right now and I know my heart is not in the place where it needs to be. I am prideful right now. I am not entirely sure how to handel this, but tonight I am going to pray about it and see what happens.
Day 2- may 19
I got a small nights sleep, second night in a row, since I stayed up getting to know the new staff and catching up with some of the old staff. I came two weeks early before staff training to volunteer and there are several staff members here taking a lifeguard certifacation course, so, I have met roughly half the guys at camp and no girls showed up for lifeguard training that I have seen around camp. They might be here and I haven’t seen them. I spent the entire day building a low elements ropes course with two other guys and have another halfs day work ahead of me tomorrow. It is very satisfying to work all day with your hands and then see what you made and to be able to play and climb on it. We are all excited to see the project coming to an end and to move onto the next one.
I am realizing more and more that my heart is growing numb and is numb. Rather than examining my own heart any or actually spending time in the word, I surroud myself with things to do and people to talk to. I know myself well enough to know that when I do this, I have a problem. Retreating and not thinking is how I have always dealt with problems instead of confronting them. I am quickly realizing that this summer my struggle is not going to be camp, rather it is going to be myself. This is somewhat unique to me, before I wasn’t familiar enough with my job to see my heart as much, since I was so preoccupied with my job and how I needed to preform my job.
It is the end of the day as I write this. I arrived at camp very happy to be here, since it was 1:30am and I was ready to sleep and stop driving and bed down for the night. After five hours of sleep I woke up to a fellow counselor who was returning for another year of camp who had gotten up early to have a bible study before the work day started. Slowly more people came into the dining hall, where I slept, and conversations and greetings were very welcoming and made me feel like I made the right decision to come back to CRS for a third summer. I struggled to sign my contract for a third summer, since I was not sure if I should go back to summer camp for yet another year. Part of the struggle is that people contantly talk about finding real jobs, growing up, doing grown up things, ect. Summer camp is never in the list of things they talk about doing as grown ups and is usually looked down upon by the adult community. Atleast it is in the community of adults I grew up with and a lot of the adults I am still around. None-the-less, I am here for another summer.
The struggle I found myself in at the end of the day is that I am good at working at CRS. I have grown up coming here and I have grown up loning to work here. My first year I was hysterical when I got to sign my contract, since this was always my summer escape and now I got to be a bigger part of it than just a participant. I got to CRS and I knew exactly what all needed to be done in preparation for campers to get here and even the other staff gets here. I am running on cruise control. I know what to do when, what to say, how to act. There isn’t anything really challenging me right now and I know my heart is not in the place where it needs to be. I am prideful right now. I am not entirely sure how to handel this, but tonight I am going to pray about it and see what happens.
Day 2- may 19
I got a small nights sleep, second night in a row, since I stayed up getting to know the new staff and catching up with some of the old staff. I came two weeks early before staff training to volunteer and there are several staff members here taking a lifeguard certifacation course, so, I have met roughly half the guys at camp and no girls showed up for lifeguard training that I have seen around camp. They might be here and I haven’t seen them. I spent the entire day building a low elements ropes course with two other guys and have another halfs day work ahead of me tomorrow. It is very satisfying to work all day with your hands and then see what you made and to be able to play and climb on it. We are all excited to see the project coming to an end and to move onto the next one.
I am realizing more and more that my heart is growing numb and is numb. Rather than examining my own heart any or actually spending time in the word, I surroud myself with things to do and people to talk to. I know myself well enough to know that when I do this, I have a problem. Retreating and not thinking is how I have always dealt with problems instead of confronting them. I am quickly realizing that this summer my struggle is not going to be camp, rather it is going to be myself. This is somewhat unique to me, before I wasn’t familiar enough with my job to see my heart as much, since I was so preoccupied with my job and how I needed to preform my job.
Monday, April 26, 2010
so, i just realized why guys, when the relationship goes to hell on the girls part, become so much more attracted to the girl. Persuit. guys are made to pursue. If a girl in a relationship is leaving, guys pursue harder or get depressed and cease activity in the relationship. We are designed to pursue and when a girl is leaving, we pursue harder, since that is the way we are designed to function in relationships.
strange.
strange.
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