There seems to be no lack of ideas, but rather we exuast the source of our ideas; ourselves. People in general always think that they are something different and unusual as compared to the person next to them. we have a tendency to think our ideas are something unusual, that we really are something better than the people around us. Our ideas have been recycled over and over again. There aren't new ideas, but rather we strive to actually understand the current ideas. The issue is we're in a static state of mediocrity. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and that is exactly where we're at. The question we seem to miss is if there is anything deeper than ourselves. If we think that we are the apitamy of the wisdom, then we focus on ourselves. We are nothing new, hence the recycled thought that appear again and again. If we look at someone else and view them as the god of thought, in most cases, we will see thoughts displayed that are recycled once more. If you're lucky, you'll find a person who reiterated the idea.

I used to be an atheist. One thing i could never reconcile was this: most of the people i knew or read about had some moment when they actually denied God, through art, music, screaming, writing, or all the other variations, but why did i feel the need to deny a god i didn't believe in? why were all the arguments against a god, or specifically, the christian model of god the same? Why do so many people have the same idea, but try to sell it as something new? The only answer i found was that there was an innate sense of something higher that ourselves. That we were created in the image of something, since in reality, we're almost identical to the next person.

In the end i was never able to reconcile these questions of why without the concept of a deity. After searching i found that christianity was the only religion that answered all the questions i had. Later i found that what made christianity so different was that it wasn't a religion. it isn't a systematic way to step through hoops to obtain something that benefits us. Grace, that is something that other religions do not have, but rather i've seen time and time again a scale and our good deeds must outwiegh our bad deeds. No one except their deity knows where our scale stands. We're left in uncertainty and driven mad trying to not be eternally punished. This either meant the deity had a incredible cruel sense of humor or was incredibly thoughtless. I am a sinner, i sin every day that i breathe. I realize my sin far outweighs any possible good i could do. The idea that we're naturally evil was the only thing that made sense and it is the only thing that ever has.

I knew i could never earn forgiveness and even if i did, i knew i would fail again. once more, a relationship with Christ, christianity, made sense. it took into account that i would fail, it took into account that i had an innate sense of God, that we're all made in the same image, and there was God wasn't incompetent of have a cruel sense of humor, rather God was loving and was above us and is an infinite source of thought that we can barely tap. i'll stop now.

in other news, i'm leaving for CRS on monday. farewell.