week two down. that nearly killed me... in a pretty wonderful way. this week was the most difficult cabin i have had in several years of being a counselor. there are so many kids who haven't had a chance to be loved, so many kids who haven't actually had a chance to hear and have the gospel explained to them before and actually seen the gospel acted out. I think this was probably one of the most rewarding weeks, but one of the harshest. There are a lot of kids who are in a cycle of not being loved, it is like they are spinning in a circle, over, and over, and over again and when you are actually desiring to love them you step in the middle of the circle and all the momentum of how they are used to gaining attention, dealing with stress, and how they live life slams into whoever decides to or is placed in their life to love them.

When they're in the circle running around and around it hurts to watch all the ways they're looking for pleasure and how much is is hurting them. The selfishness and how it drives people away, the anger and how is makes them frustrated, the lusts and how is numbs their ability to feel joy... all of it. Then realizing the only reason why i am ever able to feel, to give, to deal with people in love and not anger is because Jesus chose to love me, he chose to pull me out of where i was so determined to go, straight to hell. It wasn't just that i was at neutral and jesus decided to let me be put on the good side, i was supposed to be in hell, supposed to be separated from God. In god's love, he decided to make a way where He could pull his son out of hell and back into Himself. This cabin may have been the worst one i have ever had, but it is such a joy to be able to love the kids who haven't been loved. they may have hated me, some did, but everytime they stood against me, every time they tried to drive me away... that is a chance to show that you have a love in you that doesn't fear. Your love isn't like any other love, it doesn't go away, it doesn't give up, it doesn't love with fear.

philippians 1:20, to quote oswald chamber, paul is saying give your utmost for His highest. That we are to completely surrender our will to Him so we can live completely for our fathers glory. 1:21 paul makes clear that death itself cannot stand in front of himself and trying to do God's will. i am learning the only way for me to really serve God is by faith, extreme faith. hebrews 11 is so powerful in what faith is and how it looks. we are meant to be extreme in how we are to just give up what we want and go. Abraham just left everything and didn't know where he was going and he went. If you have ever gone out to do something like this? when you give up everything and go out like this there isn't any explanation for it. there is no logic behind it that actually makes sense. Trying to love these kids is a very small way i am trying to go out like this. It doesn't make sense to keep being loving to them, but i know that my Father loves me and i am meant to love these kids.

i have started reading through My Utmost For His Highest by oswald chambers. i love this devotion and the way Oswald puts it is you have no idea what you are doing, but you know God is going to keep doing it and he knows what he is going. If i actually believe in a miracle working God, i am going to go out and sacrifice what i have and surrender my will to Him. I am learning that God is a miracle working God, He is a very loving father, and has more of a heart for the lost than i do. I ache and hurt over peopel i know and love who don't have the relationship i have, since they haven't felt the peace i have. I try to save them, but i am realizing God loves them more than i do and loves them better than i can. I have to love them only with love God funnels through me, since i can't love the way i am supposed to, the way God wants them loved. I struggle with what they go through and why they're suffering only because i can't see His perfect plan and how much he loves them and how he is working out his perfect plan of salvation in all our lives. Like a child who hates his time out and can't understand why his parents are putting him in a time out, i can't understand why God is letting so much suffering happen, but i know my Father is loving. Like a child i am learning to pray boldly and bluntly, since God is that powerful and does work miracle. Like a child i am learning to love without presuppositions and conditions. Like a child, my Father loves me, since i am His son.