Day 22- june 8th
I have had my campers for a day and some change. I have an amazing cabin. Absolutely amazing kids. Two of the kids come from previously abusive homes and I have one kid that I know has a horrible relationship with his dad. The time that I get to know the kids the best is during the bible studies that I lead at night with my cabin. All of the kids are very open to the bible and what I am talking about in it and most of my kids have grown up in church and know a lot of this and that about theology and a few have a very open and sincere relationship with Christ and it shows in every area of life at camp. The thing that wrenches my heart is that there are kids that have never seen any actually christnains in their life. It is horrifying to realize that I am the best chance they have of seeing Christ in their life, possibly until next summer when they come back to camp. I am not struggling with the kids, but I am strugglingwith my own heart and my body. Physically I am sick, but not reporting it, since I don’t want to be pulled from my cabin. I love my kids too much to leave them for a day or two. I am struggling to find time for good prayer and bible reading. I have no excuse except my own weak heart. I am going to go start praying over my bible study for tonight. I don’t know what to do for the kids who have bad homesituations. It is just so hard to watch and just love and trust that God is building something better through this. I just struggle to see these kids like this.
Day 23- june 9th.
So, I started reading revalation and haven’t been able to put it down. The verse that struck me the hardest is when jesus talks about how he would prefer if people were either hot or cold, not luke warm. If you’re luke warm, he will spit you out. I realize that I have been treating my campers much like intense babysitter, not as a ministry. As a whole staff we have been cought up in building our own relationships and not focusing on the campers at all. We have been a very luke warm staff so far. Later on in revalations 3 it talks about how those who overcome have a spot on gods throne with jesus. We are seated as kings and we are living in such a way that is completely forsaking that great gift. My heart is so cold and no where near as passionate about campers as I should be. This is a ministry and the place where I can share oh so openly how passionate I am about chirst. Yet, I barely do.
Day 24 june 10th
I talked to my boss about the staff and myself being inpassionate and luke warm, since honestly, there are very few people on staff this year who are passionate. There are a lot of people here that I know love the campers and have the most sincere desire to love them, but aren’t. so, I have been talking to those people and they have been responding well and are in the same boat that I am and have been thankful to hear someone else struggling with lack of passion.
I have been praying for my heart to be made sensitive about my campers needs and desires and to be given the ability to meet them. Wow… prayer always strikes me as strange, since it is answered. I have never been ripped apart so hard by just being around kids. One kid has an eating disorder and I find him, after every meal, throwing up in the bathroom since for some reason he hates eating. He is twelve and so malnourished, not be lack of food, but because he refuses to eat anything. He is so tiny, since he has no nutrition. Today at breakfast, Daniel, my camper, ate half of a waffle, and then went to the bathroom. He goes to the bathroom after and during every meal. I got suspicious about his “bathroom habits” and then started to follow him to the bathroom and heard his gagging and throwing up… there is nothing I can do to help him really besides talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear anything. His parents know about all of this, but haven’t pursued anything to really fix this, they just let him eat how he wants to eat.
Day 25 june 11th
I am sick again. The lack of sleep and the high stress levels of camp make everyone sick very quickly. I am staying in the cabin and just taking a lot of advil and sinus medicine. So far I feel decent enough it hasn’t effected how I interact with campers. Hopefully on the weekend I will be able to sleep well enough to get well. I hate so badly having to get a new group of campers. I don’t want to leave the ones I have now. It is so hard to separate after attaching yourself to them for a week and then be thrown into a new cabin on kids. I don’t know how go about it easily. Since, I can make myself numb, but then I am insincere and not a good example of Christ, but if I am sincere, it hurts so bad to see all of them go and then get another group in, attach, break, attach, break, repeat.
Day 27- june 13th
A new group of campers. It is so hard to break and attach. I have had this new group for a day and they are so different than the last group. The last group was thirsty and eager to always grab something more about Christ. This group is easy to babysit, they are easy to please, they are easy to watch, but they are oh so hard to minister to. I can’t really minister to them, since they are already filled with what they want. It is so discouraging to have a group that pretty openly doesn’t want to hear anything that pertains to gospel. I am quickly realizing that the thirst of the campers last week had nothing to do with me, rather it was all god working through me. My Co-counselor and I are doing the same thing this week as last week, but nothing is happening in their hearts like it was last week. I realize that I am a tool, not the wielder.
Day 28 june 15th
This cabin is very easy to babysit, but there is no thirst for the gospel. It is almost depressing, since I am trying to hard to show them the gospel, but there is no interest. It feels like I am hitting a wall over and over. I am exuasted from opening up, I am still sick and I put so much energy into them and nothing is happening in their hearts. Nothing at all. I am been praying and begging god for seeds to be planted and for their hearts to open up all week, but nothing has happened yet.
Day 29 june 16th.
I don’t know what you believe, since you are reading this, on satan and demons and how active they are… last night I was asleep and my Co woke me up saying there was something strange going on. A camper walked across a pitch black room and was laying his hands on my co’s face. The kid responded to all the questions in a monotone voice saying “ no.” then he walked to his bed and went back to sleep. Five minutes later, another kid got out of his bed and walked to matt to lay hands on his face, that kid went back to bed. Then another, and another, and another. All 12 kids were sitting up, one at a time, in bunk order, getting up. Matt and I paniced and jumped in our counselor corner. Huddled together we started praying and crying. After praying and yelling in the name of jesus for this thing to leave, we got up and prayed over every camper and laid hands on them praying while they slept. Two and a half hours later the kids went back to normal and the crickets started chirping again and the frogs started crocking, we didn’t realize it until they started back, but there had been no noise, at all, in the cabin or outside.
On a less demonic note, my unit director has been asking me to take more of a leadership role and I have been trying to be more of a spiritual leader in the unit by openly confronting people, since we have had a lot of luke warm attitudes, including myself, that have effected camp in a lot of negative ways. It is a little more depressing being in a leadership role rather than being led. When you’re trying to be more of a leader, you are slightly removed from the group and you see a lot more sin in yourself and in the people you are trying to lead. It is so painful to see though.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Day 13- may 31st
Today was the first day of running a camp schedule, which means we have to start getting up at 6 every day and we have meetings until 10:30pm today. It was a long, but good day. We went to a local observatory today, which was quite a treat. French camp, ms is the least light polluted place in the midsouth, so, there is a large federal grant for observatory equipment. There were two profesors there who are world renound for their work in astronomy. They went and explained how big space it and everything. It was extremely humbling to realize that I live in one of the smallest planets and there are millions that we don’t know about out there. A God created this and still has enough love to care for me as a person and wants to have a personal relationship with me. It is humbling to realize how small I am.
Day 14 june 1st.
Today was a day where I could barely wake up, even though it is Sunday, there is still a full day planned. We got 2 hours off today since it in Sunday, but still, it isn’t a restful sabath. There was no manual labor done, rather just meetings and paper work. There is some grumbling in the guys unit about some volunteers that have been working here. Mostly just one guys has been causing some issues with the volunteers. Hopefully it will pass over, but I doubt it will. I will see where it goes before I talk to anyone about it. Today my struggle is keeping a good attitude inspite of my lack of sleep. I have been put in a leadership position, since I have the most cabin experience in the guys unit this year. It is a year with a lot of new staff. Realizing that even though I may feel like crap, I need to keep my attitude very positive because people are looking up to me.
Day 15 june 2nd
I didn’t get to bed until late tonight. I was walking around the campus of CRS before I went to bed praying over the campus and over the buildings. As I was walking another guy was walking and we started talking. We talked for upwards of three hours. Mostly he talked and I listened, but I had been praying for God to show the needs of the people around me and for me to be able to meet their needs. Which was interesting, since as I was praying that this conversation was struck up. This was a guy I have known for 4 years and never seen him break down, since he is very much so an introvert, but he broke down and was trying to get to his cabin unnoticed so he wouldn’t break down infront of people. One of the most common things that happens at camp is that people see their sin in a new light than they did before and they actually see their sin. People act like mirrors and when you are in a place where everyone is reflecting Christ, it is a convicting environment.
Day 16 june 2
I have been sleeping in meetings recently, not intentionally, but sleeping nonetheless. It has been a struggle to stay awake due to the massive amount of material being covered. However, despite my tiredness, it was an exciting day. The guy I am paired with is a great guy and I have known of him for awhile, but never actually gotten to know him until now. He has been dating one of my close friends for awhile, which is how I know him. We went on the staff campout where we will take out campers every Monday and it had been raining for a while, so, we cheated on building the fire and used paper towels to start it, since neither of us felt like starting it with just twigs in the rain. Both of us have done it before and are capable to starting a fire in the rain, but neither of us felt enough enthusasism for the outdoors to do that.
The more I get to know matt, the more I like him, but also the more I worry for him. He changed his life in a lot of ways and grew closer to Christ because of his changes. What he based the reason for changing his life on is a temporary thing, a girl. I worry that if his relationship ends he will go back to what he was doing. Since he still struggles with addictions, even though he hasn’t been on anything for a year.
Day 17 june 3rd.
Today was the second to last passion play practice. It is probably the night where campers are the most open to hearing the gospel, since all week we have been trying to demonstrate the gospel to them and show it to them in practice, but this is the clearest presentation of the gospel. While we were practicing it, almost all of our hearts were not in the play and we were, all of us as a staff, joking during it. After one run through, one staff member started praying and a few of us felt guilty for treating this so lightly and started asking other staff members to take it more seriously. After this, one long time member sat everyone down and basically told us we have no excuse for acting so jokingly during this. After she talked to us everyone took is seriously and I have never felt so low during the passion play. The story of my savior was something I was taking lightly. Strangely enough, in all this, I play the Sanhedrin who arranged for Christ death.
Day 18 june 4th
Today my alarm went off for 10 minutes before I woke up. I am getting sick, I am exuasted, and campers aren’t even here. In the past few days several staff members, who are older than I am, have been coming to me asking me for advice, but also confiding in me with their personal lives and also in their concerns and issues for camp. The problem with a staff member and the volunteers is still going on. After talking to my unit director and another staff member talking to the unit director the issue was addressed and it seems to have mostly been resovled.
Today I trained several people in how to sail and in how to teach camp skills, and several other activities. Today is the last full day of training. I have an appointment to talk to the director about issues in the guys unit on Saturday. I have a lot of respect for the director and am looking forward to talking to her.
To end the last full day of training, all the guys went for a midnight swim and we sang cheesy 90’s pop songs on the floating dock to the girls unit. It is one of the many strange bonding times that have been a crs tradition for years.
Day 19 june 5th
Today we have half the day off and half of Sunday off. I spent the entire day sleeping and then I woke up for supper, ran to walmart and around 9:30 met with the director. There have been some issues in years past with the guys unit when there either isn’t a UD who builds solid relationships with the unit or there isn’t time to build solid relationships. The authority card really doesn’t work well at camp, since every staff member is so desperately needed, it is rare and difficult to fire someone. I talked to carrie about the schedule and how there needs to be more down time for the sake of building relationships with staff from the prospective of the leadership staff. She agreed and asked how I was doing and how I was handling the year and my thoughts on the rest of camp and such. I have a lot of respect for the directors openness and her love for camp.
Day 20 june 6th.
Campers are coming in two hours… I dunno if I am ready for that yet. I have 12-13 year olds, the oldest group of kids on CRS campus. Pray Christ works through me and I loose myself in all this.
Today was the first day of running a camp schedule, which means we have to start getting up at 6 every day and we have meetings until 10:30pm today. It was a long, but good day. We went to a local observatory today, which was quite a treat. French camp, ms is the least light polluted place in the midsouth, so, there is a large federal grant for observatory equipment. There were two profesors there who are world renound for their work in astronomy. They went and explained how big space it and everything. It was extremely humbling to realize that I live in one of the smallest planets and there are millions that we don’t know about out there. A God created this and still has enough love to care for me as a person and wants to have a personal relationship with me. It is humbling to realize how small I am.
Day 14 june 1st.
Today was a day where I could barely wake up, even though it is Sunday, there is still a full day planned. We got 2 hours off today since it in Sunday, but still, it isn’t a restful sabath. There was no manual labor done, rather just meetings and paper work. There is some grumbling in the guys unit about some volunteers that have been working here. Mostly just one guys has been causing some issues with the volunteers. Hopefully it will pass over, but I doubt it will. I will see where it goes before I talk to anyone about it. Today my struggle is keeping a good attitude inspite of my lack of sleep. I have been put in a leadership position, since I have the most cabin experience in the guys unit this year. It is a year with a lot of new staff. Realizing that even though I may feel like crap, I need to keep my attitude very positive because people are looking up to me.
Day 15 june 2nd
I didn’t get to bed until late tonight. I was walking around the campus of CRS before I went to bed praying over the campus and over the buildings. As I was walking another guy was walking and we started talking. We talked for upwards of three hours. Mostly he talked and I listened, but I had been praying for God to show the needs of the people around me and for me to be able to meet their needs. Which was interesting, since as I was praying that this conversation was struck up. This was a guy I have known for 4 years and never seen him break down, since he is very much so an introvert, but he broke down and was trying to get to his cabin unnoticed so he wouldn’t break down infront of people. One of the most common things that happens at camp is that people see their sin in a new light than they did before and they actually see their sin. People act like mirrors and when you are in a place where everyone is reflecting Christ, it is a convicting environment.
Day 16 june 2
I have been sleeping in meetings recently, not intentionally, but sleeping nonetheless. It has been a struggle to stay awake due to the massive amount of material being covered. However, despite my tiredness, it was an exciting day. The guy I am paired with is a great guy and I have known of him for awhile, but never actually gotten to know him until now. He has been dating one of my close friends for awhile, which is how I know him. We went on the staff campout where we will take out campers every Monday and it had been raining for a while, so, we cheated on building the fire and used paper towels to start it, since neither of us felt like starting it with just twigs in the rain. Both of us have done it before and are capable to starting a fire in the rain, but neither of us felt enough enthusasism for the outdoors to do that.
The more I get to know matt, the more I like him, but also the more I worry for him. He changed his life in a lot of ways and grew closer to Christ because of his changes. What he based the reason for changing his life on is a temporary thing, a girl. I worry that if his relationship ends he will go back to what he was doing. Since he still struggles with addictions, even though he hasn’t been on anything for a year.
Day 17 june 3rd.
Today was the second to last passion play practice. It is probably the night where campers are the most open to hearing the gospel, since all week we have been trying to demonstrate the gospel to them and show it to them in practice, but this is the clearest presentation of the gospel. While we were practicing it, almost all of our hearts were not in the play and we were, all of us as a staff, joking during it. After one run through, one staff member started praying and a few of us felt guilty for treating this so lightly and started asking other staff members to take it more seriously. After this, one long time member sat everyone down and basically told us we have no excuse for acting so jokingly during this. After she talked to us everyone took is seriously and I have never felt so low during the passion play. The story of my savior was something I was taking lightly. Strangely enough, in all this, I play the Sanhedrin who arranged for Christ death.
Day 18 june 4th
Today my alarm went off for 10 minutes before I woke up. I am getting sick, I am exuasted, and campers aren’t even here. In the past few days several staff members, who are older than I am, have been coming to me asking me for advice, but also confiding in me with their personal lives and also in their concerns and issues for camp. The problem with a staff member and the volunteers is still going on. After talking to my unit director and another staff member talking to the unit director the issue was addressed and it seems to have mostly been resovled.
Today I trained several people in how to sail and in how to teach camp skills, and several other activities. Today is the last full day of training. I have an appointment to talk to the director about issues in the guys unit on Saturday. I have a lot of respect for the director and am looking forward to talking to her.
To end the last full day of training, all the guys went for a midnight swim and we sang cheesy 90’s pop songs on the floating dock to the girls unit. It is one of the many strange bonding times that have been a crs tradition for years.
Day 19 june 5th
Today we have half the day off and half of Sunday off. I spent the entire day sleeping and then I woke up for supper, ran to walmart and around 9:30 met with the director. There have been some issues in years past with the guys unit when there either isn’t a UD who builds solid relationships with the unit or there isn’t time to build solid relationships. The authority card really doesn’t work well at camp, since every staff member is so desperately needed, it is rare and difficult to fire someone. I talked to carrie about the schedule and how there needs to be more down time for the sake of building relationships with staff from the prospective of the leadership staff. She agreed and asked how I was doing and how I was handling the year and my thoughts on the rest of camp and such. I have a lot of respect for the directors openness and her love for camp.
Day 20 june 6th.
Campers are coming in two hours… I dunno if I am ready for that yet. I have 12-13 year olds, the oldest group of kids on CRS campus. Pray Christ works through me and I loose myself in all this.
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