Day 22- june 8th
I have had my campers for a day and some change. I have an amazing cabin. Absolutely amazing kids. Two of the kids come from previously abusive homes and I have one kid that I know has a horrible relationship with his dad. The time that I get to know the kids the best is during the bible studies that I lead at night with my cabin. All of the kids are very open to the bible and what I am talking about in it and most of my kids have grown up in church and know a lot of this and that about theology and a few have a very open and sincere relationship with Christ and it shows in every area of life at camp. The thing that wrenches my heart is that there are kids that have never seen any actually christnains in their life. It is horrifying to realize that I am the best chance they have of seeing Christ in their life, possibly until next summer when they come back to camp. I am not struggling with the kids, but I am strugglingwith my own heart and my body. Physically I am sick, but not reporting it, since I don’t want to be pulled from my cabin. I love my kids too much to leave them for a day or two. I am struggling to find time for good prayer and bible reading. I have no excuse except my own weak heart. I am going to go start praying over my bible study for tonight. I don’t know what to do for the kids who have bad homesituations. It is just so hard to watch and just love and trust that God is building something better through this. I just struggle to see these kids like this.

Day 23- june 9th.
So, I started reading revalation and haven’t been able to put it down. The verse that struck me the hardest is when jesus talks about how he would prefer if people were either hot or cold, not luke warm. If you’re luke warm, he will spit you out. I realize that I have been treating my campers much like intense babysitter, not as a ministry. As a whole staff we have been cought up in building our own relationships and not focusing on the campers at all. We have been a very luke warm staff so far. Later on in revalations 3 it talks about how those who overcome have a spot on gods throne with jesus. We are seated as kings and we are living in such a way that is completely forsaking that great gift. My heart is so cold and no where near as passionate about campers as I should be. This is a ministry and the place where I can share oh so openly how passionate I am about chirst. Yet, I barely do.
Day 24 june 10th
I talked to my boss about the staff and myself being inpassionate and luke warm, since honestly, there are very few people on staff this year who are passionate. There are a lot of people here that I know love the campers and have the most sincere desire to love them, but aren’t. so, I have been talking to those people and they have been responding well and are in the same boat that I am and have been thankful to hear someone else struggling with lack of passion.
I have been praying for my heart to be made sensitive about my campers needs and desires and to be given the ability to meet them. Wow… prayer always strikes me as strange, since it is answered. I have never been ripped apart so hard by just being around kids. One kid has an eating disorder and I find him, after every meal, throwing up in the bathroom since for some reason he hates eating. He is twelve and so malnourished, not be lack of food, but because he refuses to eat anything. He is so tiny, since he has no nutrition. Today at breakfast, Daniel, my camper, ate half of a waffle, and then went to the bathroom. He goes to the bathroom after and during every meal. I got suspicious about his “bathroom habits” and then started to follow him to the bathroom and heard his gagging and throwing up… there is nothing I can do to help him really besides talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear anything. His parents know about all of this, but haven’t pursued anything to really fix this, they just let him eat how he wants to eat.
Day 25 june 11th
I am sick again. The lack of sleep and the high stress levels of camp make everyone sick very quickly. I am staying in the cabin and just taking a lot of advil and sinus medicine. So far I feel decent enough it hasn’t effected how I interact with campers. Hopefully on the weekend I will be able to sleep well enough to get well. I hate so badly having to get a new group of campers. I don’t want to leave the ones I have now. It is so hard to separate after attaching yourself to them for a week and then be thrown into a new cabin on kids. I don’t know how go about it easily. Since, I can make myself numb, but then I am insincere and not a good example of Christ, but if I am sincere, it hurts so bad to see all of them go and then get another group in, attach, break, attach, break, repeat.
Day 27- june 13th
A new group of campers. It is so hard to break and attach. I have had this new group for a day and they are so different than the last group. The last group was thirsty and eager to always grab something more about Christ. This group is easy to babysit, they are easy to please, they are easy to watch, but they are oh so hard to minister to. I can’t really minister to them, since they are already filled with what they want. It is so discouraging to have a group that pretty openly doesn’t want to hear anything that pertains to gospel. I am quickly realizing that the thirst of the campers last week had nothing to do with me, rather it was all god working through me. My Co-counselor and I are doing the same thing this week as last week, but nothing is happening in their hearts like it was last week. I realize that I am a tool, not the wielder.
Day 28 june 15th
This cabin is very easy to babysit, but there is no thirst for the gospel. It is almost depressing, since I am trying to hard to show them the gospel, but there is no interest. It feels like I am hitting a wall over and over. I am exuasted from opening up, I am still sick and I put so much energy into them and nothing is happening in their hearts. Nothing at all. I am been praying and begging god for seeds to be planted and for their hearts to open up all week, but nothing has happened yet.
Day 29 june 16th.
I don’t know what you believe, since you are reading this, on satan and demons and how active they are… last night I was asleep and my Co woke me up saying there was something strange going on. A camper walked across a pitch black room and was laying his hands on my co’s face. The kid responded to all the questions in a monotone voice saying “ no.” then he walked to his bed and went back to sleep. Five minutes later, another kid got out of his bed and walked to matt to lay hands on his face, that kid went back to bed. Then another, and another, and another. All 12 kids were sitting up, one at a time, in bunk order, getting up. Matt and I paniced and jumped in our counselor corner. Huddled together we started praying and crying. After praying and yelling in the name of jesus for this thing to leave, we got up and prayed over every camper and laid hands on them praying while they slept. Two and a half hours later the kids went back to normal and the crickets started chirping again and the frogs started crocking, we didn’t realize it until they started back, but there had been no noise, at all, in the cabin or outside.
On a less demonic note, my unit director has been asking me to take more of a leadership role and I have been trying to be more of a spiritual leader in the unit by openly confronting people, since we have had a lot of luke warm attitudes, including myself, that have effected camp in a lot of negative ways. It is a little more depressing being in a leadership role rather than being led. When you’re trying to be more of a leader, you are slightly removed from the group and you see a lot more sin in yourself and in the people you are trying to lead. It is so painful to see though.