There's both a sense of relief and satisfaction after driving for an ungodly amount of time and finally reaching home, non-gas station coffee, and a bed. The story goes i hadn't slept on Thursday night, on wednesday night i had gotten a little less than four hours, and on friday i left at 5AM to gallivant around the state of Arkansas in search of storage building and the furniture that lays behind the metal sliding doors. After laying in bed for 4 hours in a desperate attempt to sleep, my alarm clock goes off and i get up, wake mom up, shower, grad my messenger bag and water, then walk into the car slightly worried about my lack of sleep and how late i was going to be driving.

When you're running on no sleep, you mind is both clearer and foggier. The regular thought pattern that you grow routine to does not apply anymore. much like being plastered, only slightly more controlled and safer to operate on. the social barrier we often times have up, not only to others, but to ourselves seems to vanish for the most part. the things we do not think about, either from guilt or an lack of thought or noticing seem to come up. It also helps that on these god forsaken drives there is seldom a car on the road at five in the morning, there is little distraction besides the constantly moving white stripes on the middle of the interstate.

More cars begin to appear as the day wains on. thoughts about how each car you pass, each person in there has a story unique to the person next to him, to me, and to you. One of the things i've been working on for the past year is figuring out my role as a chirstian in the church, in the body of christ, and in the world; not for the sake of an identity, but for the sake of my God given responsibility. thoughts about the great commission, has that person heard the gospel, not just heard it, but in language he can understand. i heard much of southern babtist bluntness of believe in christ now! now i have respect for that and i can see truth in that style of ministry, but i never started to understand the nature of the gospel until i started reading C.S. lewis, until i started to break down in every possible way and was forced to look. Language is not just english, it is a style of thought.

there was a town called Toad Suck. there was also a Toad Suck monster truck convention.

Other thoughts about where have i been? Families and kids i used to be involved with, i seem to have vanished from their lives. families where i was taken aside and thanked for being the only male figure in the kids life that they looked up to. watching the oldest one feel depressed, guilty, and inadequate, since he is the oldest male around and he feels like he has to be the man of the family. seeing others say they still claim me as their brother and brag about me to their freinds, having a six year old grab my arm and say don't leave. then the realization that i had vanished from their life just like all the fathers and men in their life... where have i been? it's going to be my goal before i move out to spend more time with these families.

I go to lay in my bed after a week of rest, work, and thought. there's a sense of satisfaction in thinking you have earned the right to sleep, or have desieved yourself into thinking you've earned it. the thought that still plagues me is how to best fulfill the great commission in my life.