There comes a time when you sit down and you realize that you have been running. the concept of running is a strange thing. well, when you are running from an idea in your head it is a very strange thing indeed. Running from your head means numbing, laying around, distracting. these take on a multitude of forms. running means numbing, making yourself busy, making yourself be constantly wrapped up, even being lazy is a form of running.

I have a week or so, give or take, of free nothing to do time. My first instinct, after working my ass off at a summer camp. I exhausted myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally for 8 weeks. 8 long weeks. 2 of those weeks were by choice i went to camp volunteering to beat myself senseless with physical labor. why? why do i always do? why do i always rush? why why why?

When you find yourself sitting down, with no plans ahead, and you begin to panic, you know you have a problem. I suddling realized, there was something deeply wrong with me. i work hard, i love people hard, i enjoy these things, but i was unable to sit down and just relax and enjoy the days work. Solomon said that the best thing for a man to do was to work hard, then go home and eat and drink. i was unable to just enjoy what God has given me.

So, the realization that God of all people is my father. I had no father growing up, i still don't have a strong male figure involved in my life. that is rough. it is. Trying to figure out your spirituality on your own, trying to seperate your mental image of your earthly father from your heavenly father, all these things are just the tip of it. I realized i always struggled to pray my things to god. meaning, telling god, " this is yours. do what you will." i thought that if i told god to do what he wanted, he would do what displeased me. I was scared to give things to him, not only just because i was selfish, but on top of that, i thought he would take things just because i loved them. this may seem like such a stupid realization to you, but for me, this was my concept of God. i interacted with fear between me and god. i feared him instead of respected him as a father. i was scared of him.

I have been praying for the past few days that god would reveal why i was running, since i reconized i was running just because i have grown accustom to spotting when i am hiding something in my heart. then i realized that i was scared more of just loosing what i was lifting up in prayer to god, but i was scared of God. Growing up i was scared of adults because of my parents. i thought all adults were like them and were violent. i never realized that this carried over to my view of God.

to sum it up, i figured that out.

Jesus is an interesting thing. He softens my heart in ways that are hard to explain. i find myself in the repeating pattern of hardening my heart until jesus invades and melts my heart again. As my pride trys to build me up once again, i have to be melted and reduced to a puddle once more. i find though, it is in my puddle like states, that i can admit i am a puddle, that christ is glorified to most. Since, well, i am a puddle. that is why the gospel is just so flippin-fan-tastic. The absolute worthlessness of my heart in its original state and in it's continuing state is why i am fascinated with the gospel. To understand how great God is, i have to see how great my sin is. As i grow closer to Christ there is a much greater contrast between who i was and who i am, but more importantly, i see my sin in a much brighter light than i did before. Christ increases the contrast between who god is and who i am. The only way i ever understood that i was depraved in anyway was when Christ first illuminated my life. he is the reveler of all those deep and hidden things i didn't know were there. yeah. he is good at that.

Life is broken, life is a struggle for me. existing doesn't really happen. financial issues, relational issues, the slow and not inevitable cycle of ending my relationship with my parents, trying to find a job, paying my bills, trying to find a counselor, all these things. they hurt, they suck, they make me struggle. David struggled, i figured he would have an idea of what to do. Usually he cried out before God. got that down. the crying part that is. the more interesting thing to me wasn't always what he did, rather what he plea was in some of his psalms

psalm 79:9
Help us, O God our Savior,
for the glory of your name;
deliver us and forgive our sins
for your name's sake.

psalm 25: 11
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

He rests his plea on God's own name. God loves you and me not because of who we are, but because of who HE IS. It is his own nature that causes him to love us. God love and mercy go before us in everything and he sees his mercy first. before my own problems, my guilt, my selfishness, my ass like nature, comes God's own mercy. that is hope. since i am guilty and i see my sin in a new light constantly and the guilt often seems overbearing, but the absolute reassurance that god's love is based on him, not me, is heart melting comfort. God breaking me and loving me seem very similar now, since they are tied. The same thing happens when i am being broken or i am realizing his deep deep and full love of me, i melt. all those barriers i put up vanish and for awhile, i am honest about my life to everyone and through my weakness show christ instead of my alleged strength.

i have said my fill.