There comes a time when you sit down and you realize that you have been running. the concept of running is a strange thing. well, when you are running from an idea in your head it is a very strange thing indeed. Running from your head means numbing, laying around, distracting. these take on a multitude of forms. running means numbing, making yourself busy, making yourself be constantly wrapped up, even being lazy is a form of running.

I have a week or so, give or take, of free nothing to do time. My first instinct, after working my ass off at a summer camp. I exhausted myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally for 8 weeks. 8 long weeks. 2 of those weeks were by choice i went to camp volunteering to beat myself senseless with physical labor. why? why do i always do? why do i always rush? why why why?

When you find yourself sitting down, with no plans ahead, and you begin to panic, you know you have a problem. I suddling realized, there was something deeply wrong with me. i work hard, i love people hard, i enjoy these things, but i was unable to sit down and just relax and enjoy the days work. Solomon said that the best thing for a man to do was to work hard, then go home and eat and drink. i was unable to just enjoy what God has given me.

So, the realization that God of all people is my father. I had no father growing up, i still don't have a strong male figure involved in my life. that is rough. it is. Trying to figure out your spirituality on your own, trying to seperate your mental image of your earthly father from your heavenly father, all these things are just the tip of it. I realized i always struggled to pray my things to god. meaning, telling god, " this is yours. do what you will." i thought that if i told god to do what he wanted, he would do what displeased me. I was scared to give things to him, not only just because i was selfish, but on top of that, i thought he would take things just because i loved them. this may seem like such a stupid realization to you, but for me, this was my concept of God. i interacted with fear between me and god. i feared him instead of respected him as a father. i was scared of him.

I have been praying for the past few days that god would reveal why i was running, since i reconized i was running just because i have grown accustom to spotting when i am hiding something in my heart. then i realized that i was scared more of just loosing what i was lifting up in prayer to god, but i was scared of God. Growing up i was scared of adults because of my parents. i thought all adults were like them and were violent. i never realized that this carried over to my view of God.

to sum it up, i figured that out.