i struggle to be content with where i am at and with the positions i hold right now. mostly with not having an explicitly leadership position at my job right now. honestly i don't know why, since i never expected to have a leadership position here, by name atleast. the strange thing is that even if i had a leadership position, i wouldn't be doing anything different than what i am capable of doing as a ordinary staff memeber. i am struggling to actually follow jesus and how he was a servant leader. he was God, but didn't consider that something to be held above anyone, rather he stepped down to our level for us to serve us. I am in a position to be a leader at my job, since i have been here for four years, i know how things work, i know the stuggles most of the new staff are going through and i can so easily reach out to them, make them feel accepted into the community, love them and help them love their campers, but i am struggling to be social with any of them. There isn't any reason to not be loving to them, except my own pride.
The major issue in my heart that i have been wrestling with is trusting, fully trusting, and knowing that god knows all, planned it all, is merciful, and loving in everything. i can see His mercy through my own struggles easily and i have no issue trusting God in pain and death i see that affects me. i know what i had to go through to reach a point where i could know God. What i struggle is seeing the pain in other peoples lives that i had to go through, the despare, the hopelessness in their eyes... i struggle to know God is merciful in their lives. i want to save them, i want to change their life, but that isn't my job. i am meant to love them with a love that over flows from my life, not save them. Show them i am loved, i am forgiven, i am freed through grace and live in the future grace i haven't even expereinced yet. This is the same sin that adam and even commited, wanting to be God. wanting to know and have his power, i am still struggling with the first sin. I know God is loving, i know he wins, i know he loves me, but i struggle to know he loves everyone. Holy spirit, please make gods love real to me, not just in my life, but in the people that surround me.
If i fully understood the magnitude of jesus's death, i would be able to see his love better for all of humanity. A strange thing though, if the people in jesus's time had understood who he was, they wouldn't have killed him. they would have been screaming and begging him to explain why they had to kill him on that cross. The people would have been weeping as jesus explained it was because of them he had to die, weeping as they had to stab his died, nail him, beat him. They would have burried him a kings death and wept for three days waiting for him to come back. it would have been a strange twist if we all fully understood who jesus was and why he had to die. I want to understand in a deeper place in my heart why jesus died and why he had to. i pray i do.
God is good, God is loving, and i know he constantly shows mercy, there are a thousand tender mercies everyday in my life. i just want to learn to take those to heart in a more deep way. God does love us, he does love you. This is something i am learning every day and want to continue to learn every day i wake up.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
God loves me, He offers love to us. He does more than offer when i do not accept, he forces me to be loved, as i fight it. After i accept his love, after i live in his blessings, i become angry at God for the suffering. The strange thing is, God invites us to reason in our anger with him.
" come now, let us reason together." Isaiah 1:18a The context is God telling isreal their sin and to turn from it. In their rejecting him, God asks them to come and be reasonable, talk to him about why they're leaving him, why they are turning to other Gods. the only person who invites questions is the one who knows he is right, the one who sees through all the arguments. God knows he is the best thing out there and that no one can love us and give us what he can. The thing i find in my own heart, i see this in our culture as well, we keep our complaints against God silent and cram our emotions down, since they must be ungodly. Emotions are scary, anger is scary, us living in fear and numbness is scary to confront and be honest with ourselves about. God invites us to argue with him, in the most literal sense.
David, in psalm 88, vents, accuses God of cursing him and leaving him and isolating him to be taken advantage of, but then in psalm 89 David praises God for his love and saving him. God praised david above most anyone else in the bible and david was by no means an honorable religious man in the way we see men of God in our culture. David was imperfect, sinful, and committed horrible crimes that he had to deal with before God and men. The thing that is beautiful about David is he is an example of God's mercy and love. He loved david dearly, he blessed him, and one of the most beautiful things about david is not what a leader he was in the conventional sense, but he was transparent before God. This something i know is hugely lacking in my life and hugely lacking in the church.
One of the things that is hurt first by us not being honest is art. Art is so connected to our soul, it is a beautiful bridge between our relationship with God and expressing it in poetry, our work, traditional art, dance, music. It is such a taste of heaven. Beautiful movies, heart wrenching novels, are such an amazing bridge between heaven and earth. These suffer dearly when we aren't honest, since no relationship can thrive in dishonesty, not even a friendship and not our relationship with God. There are areas we wall off, there are whole stories we hide from God to keep him from redeeming, weather in shame, guilt, or pride, we hide. Love is fearless, since christ went into the job of loving us with no fear of what would happen. he hurt, but he wanted up to the hill to be killed and go to hell for us. Good art is fearless, since it involves actually putting yourself out for people to see and love or mock. The church and i are both guilty of hiding from God and hiding while in front of men. We hide ourselves and we do not display beauty, we aren't honest with our struggle, christ says he chooses the weak to work in, Christ is shown in our struggles and in other peoples struggles, when they're honest to me about them, i grow, i am encourage, i see christ more. the best poetry i have ever written was while i was torn up over what was happening, but it is also the times i saw christ the clearest.
After art, community is ruined by dishonesty and never admitting our struggles to a community. Brotherhood is ruined by talking football for year after year, community is ruined when we slap a mask of a smile on our faces to hide our pain, so we can suffer alone, without people. The body is where jesus said he would be, this is where he told us to live in, the church. The church is where we are most dishonest because we are more concerned with our own image, our own pride, our desire to no longer need God. we strive so hard for self made independence that we cut people and god, the person who actually loves us, out.
these are all things that i am completely guilty of, this is why i see them, since i am a person who struggles with these sins. I am praying and trying to break the cycle of masks and dishonesty, since God invites us to be honest with him. To start, god, i don't know why you chose me, i don't know why you haven't chosen my brother yet, i don't know why my childhood friend has a terminal blood disorder, i don't know why my parents don't see you and get to live a comfortable lie, i don't know why my older brother has mental issues and cannot feel your love, i don't know why you chose me, of all people, to love and heal. What i do know is this: you love me, you adopted me, i am your servant, i am your son. you have been faithful to me and given me a thousand mercies until i can feel mercy no more i am so overwhelmed and broken by your love. You have blessed me with jobs, a dear, dear, community of brothers, you have given me family, you have given me grace and a purpose to live and die in. This is more than i could have asked for my portion, you are my love, you are my god. Please work through me, show me my sin, make me struggle through my bitterness and come out on the other side of it, make me cling to jesus, since i am prideful. Just love me...and i know you do.
" come now, let us reason together." Isaiah 1:18a The context is God telling isreal their sin and to turn from it. In their rejecting him, God asks them to come and be reasonable, talk to him about why they're leaving him, why they are turning to other Gods. the only person who invites questions is the one who knows he is right, the one who sees through all the arguments. God knows he is the best thing out there and that no one can love us and give us what he can. The thing i find in my own heart, i see this in our culture as well, we keep our complaints against God silent and cram our emotions down, since they must be ungodly. Emotions are scary, anger is scary, us living in fear and numbness is scary to confront and be honest with ourselves about. God invites us to argue with him, in the most literal sense.
David, in psalm 88, vents, accuses God of cursing him and leaving him and isolating him to be taken advantage of, but then in psalm 89 David praises God for his love and saving him. God praised david above most anyone else in the bible and david was by no means an honorable religious man in the way we see men of God in our culture. David was imperfect, sinful, and committed horrible crimes that he had to deal with before God and men. The thing that is beautiful about David is he is an example of God's mercy and love. He loved david dearly, he blessed him, and one of the most beautiful things about david is not what a leader he was in the conventional sense, but he was transparent before God. This something i know is hugely lacking in my life and hugely lacking in the church.
One of the things that is hurt first by us not being honest is art. Art is so connected to our soul, it is a beautiful bridge between our relationship with God and expressing it in poetry, our work, traditional art, dance, music. It is such a taste of heaven. Beautiful movies, heart wrenching novels, are such an amazing bridge between heaven and earth. These suffer dearly when we aren't honest, since no relationship can thrive in dishonesty, not even a friendship and not our relationship with God. There are areas we wall off, there are whole stories we hide from God to keep him from redeeming, weather in shame, guilt, or pride, we hide. Love is fearless, since christ went into the job of loving us with no fear of what would happen. he hurt, but he wanted up to the hill to be killed and go to hell for us. Good art is fearless, since it involves actually putting yourself out for people to see and love or mock. The church and i are both guilty of hiding from God and hiding while in front of men. We hide ourselves and we do not display beauty, we aren't honest with our struggle, christ says he chooses the weak to work in, Christ is shown in our struggles and in other peoples struggles, when they're honest to me about them, i grow, i am encourage, i see christ more. the best poetry i have ever written was while i was torn up over what was happening, but it is also the times i saw christ the clearest.
After art, community is ruined by dishonesty and never admitting our struggles to a community. Brotherhood is ruined by talking football for year after year, community is ruined when we slap a mask of a smile on our faces to hide our pain, so we can suffer alone, without people. The body is where jesus said he would be, this is where he told us to live in, the church. The church is where we are most dishonest because we are more concerned with our own image, our own pride, our desire to no longer need God. we strive so hard for self made independence that we cut people and god, the person who actually loves us, out.
these are all things that i am completely guilty of, this is why i see them, since i am a person who struggles with these sins. I am praying and trying to break the cycle of masks and dishonesty, since God invites us to be honest with him. To start, god, i don't know why you chose me, i don't know why you haven't chosen my brother yet, i don't know why my childhood friend has a terminal blood disorder, i don't know why my parents don't see you and get to live a comfortable lie, i don't know why my older brother has mental issues and cannot feel your love, i don't know why you chose me, of all people, to love and heal. What i do know is this: you love me, you adopted me, i am your servant, i am your son. you have been faithful to me and given me a thousand mercies until i can feel mercy no more i am so overwhelmed and broken by your love. You have blessed me with jobs, a dear, dear, community of brothers, you have given me family, you have given me grace and a purpose to live and die in. This is more than i could have asked for my portion, you are my love, you are my god. Please work through me, show me my sin, make me struggle through my bitterness and come out on the other side of it, make me cling to jesus, since i am prideful. Just love me...and i know you do.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
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