i struggle to be content with where i am at and with the positions i hold right now. mostly with not having an explicitly leadership position at my job right now. honestly i don't know why, since i never expected to have a leadership position here, by name atleast. the strange thing is that even if i had a leadership position, i wouldn't be doing anything different than what i am capable of doing as a ordinary staff memeber. i am struggling to actually follow jesus and how he was a servant leader. he was God, but didn't consider that something to be held above anyone, rather he stepped down to our level for us to serve us. I am in a position to be a leader at my job, since i have been here for four years, i know how things work, i know the stuggles most of the new staff are going through and i can so easily reach out to them, make them feel accepted into the community, love them and help them love their campers, but i am struggling to be social with any of them. There isn't any reason to not be loving to them, except my own pride.

The major issue in my heart that i have been wrestling with is trusting, fully trusting, and knowing that god knows all, planned it all, is merciful, and loving in everything. i can see His mercy through my own struggles easily and i have no issue trusting God in pain and death i see that affects me. i know what i had to go through to reach a point where i could know God. What i struggle is seeing the pain in other peoples lives that i had to go through, the despare, the hopelessness in their eyes... i struggle to know God is merciful in their lives. i want to save them, i want to change their life, but that isn't my job. i am meant to love them with a love that over flows from my life, not save them. Show them i am loved, i am forgiven, i am freed through grace and live in the future grace i haven't even expereinced yet. This is the same sin that adam and even commited, wanting to be God. wanting to know and have his power, i am still struggling with the first sin. I know God is loving, i know he wins, i know he loves me, but i struggle to know he loves everyone. Holy spirit, please make gods love real to me, not just in my life, but in the people that surround me.

If i fully understood the magnitude of jesus's death, i would be able to see his love better for all of humanity. A strange thing though, if the people in jesus's time had understood who he was, they wouldn't have killed him. they would have been screaming and begging him to explain why they had to kill him on that cross. The people would have been weeping as jesus explained it was because of them he had to die, weeping as they had to stab his died, nail him, beat him. They would have burried him a kings death and wept for three days waiting for him to come back. it would have been a strange twist if we all fully understood who jesus was and why he had to die. I want to understand in a deeper place in my heart why jesus died and why he had to. i pray i do.

God is good, God is loving, and i know he constantly shows mercy, there are a thousand tender mercies everyday in my life. i just want to learn to take those to heart in a more deep way. God does love us, he does love you. This is something i am learning every day and want to continue to learn every day i wake up.