" our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."- C.S. Lewis, the screwtape letters

All the unhappy endings
as thousands walk in dimly lit streets
all look for a way to start our mending
and we all wander searching for weeks

in this dim light
we can barely see the ground
to be honest, i have no sight
and secretly am hoping to be found

buildings, posts, streets, and people
but i am unable to see or know anything
i can only live my looking down so i'm
not consumed by this vast darkness

If i look up and peer into the darkness
panic and fear over take me
and to be honest i must confess
whatever is inside the darkness i don't want to see

while i was wandering
a person surrounded by light passed by
my heart jumped and began to sing
i wanted to follow him and i was unsure as to why

when i walked in this man's light
i see the world's mess and my hearts sin
after seeing light, darkness never satisfies again
and without a choice you resolve to fight

i was never able to again just exist
when i hide
my mind persists
there is more to life than just this

although i now more clearly see
all the pain and death because of light
i live in it because i see a future
because someone satisfied darkness's plea

heaven is breaking into darkness
giving us a hint, a clue
of what is to come
since all the sad things are becoming untrue

So, i think our definition of addiction is a little off. Not in the sense of cravings and having a stimulus that we have to meet, rather in the sense that we thing if we simply aren't around some things we will not become addicted. A rather guy like struggle, lust, porn, masturbation, i don't think will power can defeat and people in pulpits say go to jesus, but over and over again guys i know can't defeat this addiction and they have hardened wills to defeat it, but can't. Notice, with drug addicts, we replace stimulants. things like sugar and caffeine are used to lessen cravings, replace them with easier to manage addictions. With lust, we simply try to force our ways out. Addictions don't work that way. the only way to end an addiction is to replace it. it is all about finding the greater addiction and that is the only true way to kill an old addiction.

we're kind of like a metal surface with a hole in the middle and the entire surface slants towards the hole. By keeping everything out of the hole, all that happens is more and more falls in and we are constantly popping everything in and out and you are just shifting cravings all the time. I kind of feel like guys that are struggling with masturbation that is the last ball in the arena and everything else is out, but the only way to keep everything out of the hole, that is ourselves, is to fill the hole. the issue is the hole is always getting deeper and is never satisfied. There isn't anything to fill that hole, so, everything falls in and it isn't enough.

The issue is that we try to willfully force out addictions, lust and masturbation primarily, with sheer will force. I think the struggle with lust and masturbation is more an issue with us not being filled and not being satisfied. the only way to defeat lust is to find the higher satisfaction and a joy that is greater than any amount of numbness you can achieve. It isn't just an issue of forcing the sin out of your person, rather filling it so you can keep it out.

until he returns to me
we will strive and fight
until the day he calls us home
for him to see
how we fought creations groan

to fight means to live in heights
of joy and depths of peace
to bathe in light
and be released

sins grip has lost its strength
jesus came
to break sins link
and states god's claim over all creation
saying, " this is mine"

Then god's spirit came to make
us live in depths of light
so we may see with eyes awake
and truly see we live to fight.

you built me for war
as i was born into a fight
that goes on what i think is forever more
rather, just until we're blinded by the blessed light

i tried to ignore
i tried to not see
but that is impossible with war
so, next i tried to flee

running so far that i collapsed
panting for life, i recognized war in my past
and resolved to fight
so i may live in the blessed light

at eighteen i didn't see death
rather the one that brings it
in my terror i could only mutter with my breath
a prayer to the one whom death bit

on that day i started war
and finally saw the unseen enemy

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.


this has been one of the few encouragements i have had for awhile now. I know it's true, but there are days where it is hard to carry on. today is one of those days. The strange thing is, even when i am in these days, i used to panic and worry. It is hard for me to get up and go about my day and work and praise jesus, but today, there's a lot of peace. it is hard, extremely hard, but there's a lot of inexplicable peace.

So, i spent roughly 6 hours on a porch of a party house in the getto. got to talk to a lot of people i wouldn't ordinarily get to talk to, got to see a different culture, got to be included in their culture. a few things struck me, i walked over and started talking and because i am white and talked to them i immediately earned their respect and was nicked named a " bad ass motherfucking white." apparently white people are timid and scared to talk. After spending the entire night talking to them, things like sex, drugs, and drinking all come up in the course of the night. as they tell stories of the strangest people they have had sex with and the strangest drugs they've taken, i don't live like that and when they ask, i straight up told them that i don't sleep around and i don't do drugs. They didn't believe me at first, i get this response all the time because the way they see it is this: if you say you don't do drugs and have sex, you're a liar, since everyone does drugs and has sex. Everyone who said they didn't, really do and just lie about it. So, why am i different?

I think their attitude toward the church could best be explained by what one of the men said, " war didn't make me a bad person, i just don't go to church anymore." Church and morals are separate and irrelevant. If there isn't jesus, i completely agree. There isn't anything that binds them together besides the work of jesus, but even so, the church isn't even supposed to be bound like we think they are. Ah, off topic, back to what i was writing about to begin with. wait, i never said what i was writing about to begin with, so, onto why i started writing!

The ghetto culture is so radically different that even the language and how they relate to each other is different than the white culture i was raised in. I relate to jesus and christianity by ideas, concepts, thinking. Jesus satisfies my ideas, my thoughts on life, all of that. it fits. Partially because that is how i was raised, i was raised with ideas and thoughts like this. i was raised in a theologians house. Even my friendships, my language, the way i relate to my friends is on a more abstract scale. I talk about ideas, philosophies that drive me, concepts of life as a whole. not that i am smarter or better, but that is just how i think. i look at over arching concepts that drive people. it is just instinctive for me. However, that is not how people in the ghetto think. In all honesty, i prefer the way they think, it really is much more real than the way i think, they just think and what is, is. they way they related to each other is just flat out saying what they think and the way they see life is they just see it. so, in a sense, for them to see christianity, they have to see it lived out. i can see an idea and hope i can live out christianity where that idea becomes a reality. i can see what the idea of the church is meant to be, but they don't look at ideas, they just look at life. So, by looking at life, all christians are liars and hypocrites.

That is a mostly true observation. Christians are supposed to be ultimately accepting and loving, they don't see that happening at all, christians aren't supposed to have sex before marriage, never happens that they have seen, the list goes on. so, with that, where in life is christianity true? it isn't.

On top of this, language, the white church, which is pretty prevalent, preaches an intellectual language, which doesn't make sense to them. In the same way, a lot of ghetto preachers don't make sense to me or you, we don't make sense to them. The gospel really hasn't been preached to them in their language and isn't being preached to them in their language. the great commission is about preaching to them in their language and living where they can see it. inner city missions really is mostly like poking people with a stick. if you genuinely want to see change, live with them and be open and vulnerable. They is the language that transcends any barrier. a life lived consistently.