it is only when i think i have control that i really realize i have none. it is only when i think i have a niche that i realize how displaced and disorderly the world is. it is only when i think i am wise that i realize i am a fool.

these are such amazing things, since i am hopeless without the grace and redemption i am given, but it is such a wave of reality i never see when i realize just how far this goes.

the pain that watching eyes that do not see brings...

it is a strange thing when you sit down in the morning, regardless of the papers you are writing and the stress of trying to meet dead lines, you take a second and realize something. I have a very good life. my salvation does not depend on me at all. that is comfort.

that is a good life.

" i am reading your tests... but i have to watch some football, baseball, you know, priorities. i am being impressed while reading them. sometimes favorably."- dr.busbee

Notice how when we have no commitment to a bigger ideal, the little things matter? That is because there is nothing left when you reach that point. We are designed to be committed to ideas, without that, the fiber of our being and thought unravels.

I think we focus on the wrong thing in relationships. We focus so much on what we are to do, how to pursue, how to have a date, what to do what to do? These are good questions and good things, but I think they are bad because we miss an entire question that begs an answer; what is a relationship? Like our view of ourselves, it all flows from who we are. What we do flows from who we are. In the same light, I think relationships and what we do in them flows from what a relationship is. You cannot know why we do something or why our actions follow a certien way unless we understand what we are. In the same light, how can we know what to do in a relationship if we have no understanding of what it even is? Until we have at least a glimpse of what a relationship is, we will never know what to do or how to act. You can never know how to act until you understand what it is you are acting on.

When the mummers die
and all is quiet
we find our silence
and see where our skeletons lie.

Adam was allowed to know a woman, since one was not created, for years and year as he named the animals. Moses even wrote that adam looked for someone to be a companion with, but there was no one who fit. Adam knew the longing and desire for a wife, a lover, a helpmeet. Adam would have longed and had the longing met. Adam would have respected above all else eve, he would have loved to no end, looked for everything to please and love her. That is something we lose as a society. Porn, players, and sleezy guys all are emotional distortions of something that was so beautiful and it has all gone ere now.

There comes a point where we find that we do not want to know what is right. We know, but we hide out conscience. I find that I have been hiding myself in the business of my life. I hide myself in good things, I hide myself in my abilities, my thoughts, my actions. I show myself off to be a good person, I show myself to be a hero to some. In all reality I am a good person to some people, but in the end, we all eventually are reminded of the skeletons in our closest.

We make ourselves busy, we find ourselves in other people’s business, we gossip, we work, we play, all this just to hide our darkness. The beautiful thing about the light is that it gets rid of the darkness, but we have to be willing to find what is hidden right now. Eventually we lose the choice to willing find what is in our darkness and we find them unprepared to deal with it.

The quietness is painful, since we all find what we want hidden.

“ In repentance and rest is your salvation,
In quietness and trust is your strength,
But you would have none of it.”

Isaiah 30:15

it is much easier to face something when it is not your choice. like being pushed instead of jumping, like shooting yourself instead of being shot.

This makes the reasoning of why things happen in life make so much more sense. i doubt we would ever face any of the problems in our life unless we were compelled to by circumstances.

Have you ever noticed that our greatest strengths seem to open up our essence to our greatest weakness?

Look at your weaknesses, all of them stem from your strengths.

i prayer a prayer in may. the answer has been a constant one. the interesting thing is that the consequences of the prayer are my own. i prayed to be broken and the breaking has yet to happen, but so much has happened and so much more will happen. It's interesting when you realize that prayers are answered. it's a reaction of both fear and love. fear, since however bizzare, my prayers have been answered this summer in ways that are always painful. love, since they are answered.

There a glory and a reason for pursuing the unwanted pursuit.

6I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! 9As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!

10Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Gal 1:6-9

Isaiah 57

1 The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.

2 Those who walk uprightly
enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.

There is no other gospel. There is no other good news. Not outselves, not our cultures, not our marvelous buildings. These can all be good God given things that we are to enjoy, but they are nothing in comparison the the Gospel of christ. We know that there is no other good news in the world, we are told we will suffer, and we are also told that we will have peace in it's fullness later. Yet all the more we try to sell ourselves as something good and worthy.

Peace is a wonderful thing to enjoy, but it isn't an end in and of itself. God created everything and it was called good by God, the one who we use to define good, it is good, rather it is all distorted by sin. we are distorted by sin. An interesting thought is this: sin is just a distortion of what is good. C.S. Lewis said is like this " to be truely unique, you must conform to the one which good flows. sin never created anything new, rather it only distorts what was already there." It is a strange thought to realize that every attempt to run from christ, or whatever reason, it's all just distortions of something already there. by striving to be unique you become fully conformed.

and life moves on.

Funny how it never works the same way twice.

it is an interesting thing when you finally reach a point that you have been looking forward to for some time. i dunno, right now it probably has not hit me, but it seems a little less real. i've been living on a high for the past few weeks. more than anything i am anticipating the crash from the high. everything always seems less real when i'm in a spiritual rut. i have been in a spiritual rut for awhile now and i've realized it for the past week more than anything. you start to dread time alone or time without distractions. when it is quiet, your thoughts always wander and begin to self examine.

i am anticipating the crash. i am looking forward to it now that i realize it is coming. i pray the breakdown comes before campers come. the thought keeps on occurring that maybe campers are what will break me.

when you start to rely on people's thoughts of you, you become subject to them. eventually your actions start form around their thoughts.

It's warm again.

We seem to have an idea, it's ingrained in our culture, that words, thoughts, philosophies, they do not have consequences. the strange thing is, the building you are in right now, the computer screen you are reading this one, they are products of ideas and philosophies. manifest destiny drove the distinctly american building style. sky scrapers, cinder blocks, and spread out cities. they are part of ideas that trickle down and effect everyone of us.

ideas and words have consequences.

There's both a sense of relief and satisfaction after driving for an ungodly amount of time and finally reaching home, non-gas station coffee, and a bed. The story goes i hadn't slept on Thursday night, on wednesday night i had gotten a little less than four hours, and on friday i left at 5AM to gallivant around the state of Arkansas in search of storage building and the furniture that lays behind the metal sliding doors. After laying in bed for 4 hours in a desperate attempt to sleep, my alarm clock goes off and i get up, wake mom up, shower, grad my messenger bag and water, then walk into the car slightly worried about my lack of sleep and how late i was going to be driving.

When you're running on no sleep, you mind is both clearer and foggier. The regular thought pattern that you grow routine to does not apply anymore. much like being plastered, only slightly more controlled and safer to operate on. the social barrier we often times have up, not only to others, but to ourselves seems to vanish for the most part. the things we do not think about, either from guilt or an lack of thought or noticing seem to come up. It also helps that on these god forsaken drives there is seldom a car on the road at five in the morning, there is little distraction besides the constantly moving white stripes on the middle of the interstate.

More cars begin to appear as the day wains on. thoughts about how each car you pass, each person in there has a story unique to the person next to him, to me, and to you. One of the things i've been working on for the past year is figuring out my role as a chirstian in the church, in the body of christ, and in the world; not for the sake of an identity, but for the sake of my God given responsibility. thoughts about the great commission, has that person heard the gospel, not just heard it, but in language he can understand. i heard much of southern babtist bluntness of believe in christ now! now i have respect for that and i can see truth in that style of ministry, but i never started to understand the nature of the gospel until i started reading C.S. lewis, until i started to break down in every possible way and was forced to look. Language is not just english, it is a style of thought.

there was a town called Toad Suck. there was also a Toad Suck monster truck convention.

Other thoughts about where have i been? Families and kids i used to be involved with, i seem to have vanished from their lives. families where i was taken aside and thanked for being the only male figure in the kids life that they looked up to. watching the oldest one feel depressed, guilty, and inadequate, since he is the oldest male around and he feels like he has to be the man of the family. seeing others say they still claim me as their brother and brag about me to their freinds, having a six year old grab my arm and say don't leave. then the realization that i had vanished from their life just like all the fathers and men in their life... where have i been? it's going to be my goal before i move out to spend more time with these families.

I go to lay in my bed after a week of rest, work, and thought. there's a sense of satisfaction in thinking you have earned the right to sleep, or have desieved yourself into thinking you've earned it. the thought that still plagues me is how to best fulfill the great commission in my life.

matthew 24: 14

"And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. "

a pastor commented on this verse saying:

" when you wake in the morning... jesus hasn't come yet. there are still people to be reach, there are still more to be called. go, go and preach the gospel."

Here is a list of laws that are currently on states law books and have not been revoked:

Alabama:

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Alaska:

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

A person may only carry a concealed slingshot if that person has received the appropriate license.

Arizona:

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

Arkansas:

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

Laws specific to Little Rock:

No one may “suddenly start or stop their car at a McDonald’s.

It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

California:

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Connecticut:

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

Florida:

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is considered an offense to shower naked.

Hawaii:

Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.

Idaho:

Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

Illinois:

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

The English language is not to be spoken.

Indiana:

The value of Pi is 3.

A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

Iowa:

A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public.

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

Kansas:

If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Kentucky:

One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.

Louisiana:

Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.

Maine:

shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

maryland:

It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies.

Massachusetts:

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

goatees are illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

Quakers and witches are banned.

Minnesota:

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

It is illegal to sleep naked.

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin

with a chicken on their head.

Part two will come later.

I think we often confuse what progress is as a Christian. There isn’t anyway to chart, as we would like, how ‘far’ we are as a Christian. We tend to love black and white lines, charts, graphs, anything that can make us feel good about ourselves. We’re not made holy by what we do or don’t do; that puts redemption on our own shoulders. I think we look to ourselves saying: “if only I had self control to not do this or that.” While self control has its place, I think we need to look at our root desires and how they have changed. I can control myself all the days I damn and make myself look like a saint, but my desires and heart are corrupt and hateful.


Christianity is not about our image. God works through broken people like me, like you. It’s not an issue of perfect self control, rather our root desires changing and our habits conforming to our new desires. Redemption is an ongoing process that never ends. Our sin never ends in this life as we can never be perfect in a sinful world in sinful bodies. Our self control doesn’t make us holy, rather the passive righteousness given to us by Christ does.
mmmmm…

Have you noticed that we focus more on the preservation and expansion of an idea rather than solving a problem? the most recent example i can think of is the opening of abortion clinics funded by the american government around the world in impoverished nations. the argument is that people are starving, poor, can't afford to have an abortion and another mouth to feed would kill them. Rather than sending food, we send an ideology.

We seem, as a culture, to be head deep in chronological snobbery. we want to over simplify the past, the cut and dry good and bad, the clear hero and villan. Even with things like the salem witch trials, there were faults on both sides, hearsay evidence was accepted, the judicial system was faulty, but witchcraft was a problem. it's real and it's dangerous.

The problem is we'll never learn from an over simplified history. life isn't simple, there are no simple answers. if someone claims to have simple answers, be weary of them. The complexity of politics, culture, and geopolitical movements makes every move today difficult, the same applies to the past. we are not a great new generation that are struggling with new trials, they are the same ones, rather we look down on the past as barbaric and unintelligent. this will be the death of us.

When i hear people speak about maturity, growing up, this or that, it is always referred to as something that is far away and yet to come. I think the thing we, as a culture, miss is that any sort of maturity happens in the present. the mind set that makes a person mature is formed in the present,but the maturing has yet to come.the foundation that sets us to mature is built in the present.

Remember the Cherokee nation.

Have you ever noticed that the greatest defiance is to live. Simply living your life with determination is the greatest way to defy something. The Jewish people, from their beginning, have been hunted, hated, and persecuted. By simply living, they have out lived, achieved more, and are remembered by history. The nations that fought against them are mostly forgotten in the records and memories of men. Christians, in most areas of the world are persecuted. yet Christianity grows in persecuted areas, the harder a people try to extinguish Christianity, the larger the flame grows.

The greatest defiance is to live committed to your principles. As Christians, the greatest defiance to a world that is sinful is to live committed to christ. Human nature is almost always self preservation. people expect people to change when faced with death. when something does not go as planned, people become scared because you are not following the rules of humanity. If you live, if you are committing yourself to any principle, you are defying something. To live and honor your principle, if you life to honor christ, you are defying something at the greatest level. your very life is a defiance to the sinful world we live in.

Instead of asking, " how could god let this happen?" rather, "how could we allow ourselves to become so apathetic and withdrawn?"

Principled people are always controversial. They stand for things; therefore there are things they stand against. To affirm one thing is to deny another. You can’t call one thing into question without standing for another. Even if you don't like it, you stand for something and disagree with something.

For the last 17 years of John Quincy Adams life he fought slavery. There was a gag rule that made slavery legal and opposition was practically silenced. Once a year John Quincy Adams went to the senate and spoke against slavery. Every year he pricked the moral conscience of the senate. Every year, 17 times, John Quincy Adams provoked senators to get out of their seats, walk towards other senators, and fight. In the senate, there were actually fist fights over the morality of slavery.

He believed that the principles of freedom were so sacred that no propriety should stand in the way of denouncing the criminality of slavery. have you every noticed how every generation quickly notices the faults and screwy beliefs of the past generation, but is equally hasty to accept the new beliefs of their generation? From a withdrawn perspective, it is clear that slavery is a detestable practice, but you have to ask yourself, what sinful practice are we openly accepting without even knowing it.

How many times have you given to some charitable cause, your time and your money and then for some reason you have to give more than you originally intended and you become frustrated and bitter? This comes from as if all we have is somehow actually ours. This happens to me. Ours lives are not our own. We are merely stewards of our time and money. yet we cling so hard to what we actually don't own.

I think there is a danger in complimenting theology and doctrine rather than engaging and verifying.

'We are.' Not 'We were.'

Just a disclaimer: I really do not fully understand, or even partially understand, anything I am about to talk about. It is all random coffee shop thoughts.

God is outside of time. So, that means that we are, there is not really a past or future. I may be 4 years sober, but everything I have done still is. Everything I have done is me, in a sense, because I am; not I was or will be. Everything I do is part of a total that is already there. This is what makes grace so great. I am a wretch, not I was, but I am and the sum total of what I am is forgiven and redeemed. If I am, then every I have done is. Because I am and everything I have done is, I am not any better than the person next to me.

Today I went and picked up an application to be a regular volunteerer dude at a soup kitchen, tutoring, mantience, odd job man. I take all the back roads to RIFA ( Regional Inner Faith Association ) I’m driving through the ghetto and the usual run down houses, it was about 3, so, school had just gotten out, masses of kids were walking home, there were a few fights, some rather brutal with people watching in the circle, it’s a depressing thing to watch. I leave my application, and then drive back the same way; some of the fights were still going on, you could tell which kids had fought by the blood on some of their faces and shirts. I drive to the north part of down and sit down in joe mugs with my C.S. Lewis and a cup of coffee. I look around and notice three guys in line, all wearing designer jeans, gold watches, and leather coats. Two business men debating which golf resort to go to, three other men talking about what color to paint their offices, a couple of kids with the local prep school uniform, and I notice that everyone of us have one thing in common: we are all completely self absorbed and we all think we are gracing the earth with our presence.

The gospel is rather radical about taking care of the poor. I do not fulfill the call of the gospel by any means; I am guilty of this as well. Holiness is not judged by what we do not do. What makes us radical as Christians? Grace and sacrificial love. Through grace, we are holy, but it is not just something we receive, it is something that we also give. The giving of grace and love without gain is absurd by any way of life other than Christianity, but without it, there is not Christianity. Christ’s sacrifice, when you look at it, it is absurd. He saved the miserable lot that killed Him. Me of all people, I hated Him.

That last thought while I was in Joe Mugs was this: God makes us lovable. A dog hates training, we are none too different. By making us more like Him through redemption, we are more capable for receiving love. God cannot love our sin, rather he loves our person because that can be changed, which ultimately, since we are created in his image, is like Himself. The easiest thing I have found to love is, sadly enough, myself. I find it is easiest to love and accept people who are like myself. There is a huge problem here. I am shown love by a God greater than myself, who reached down to something very different than He is and I am so hesitant to imitate that.

It seems that the most desieving part of emotion is the belief that it will last forever. depression only turns into despair when you start to think that this emotion will never end.