you built me for war
as i was born into a fight
that goes on what i think is forever more
rather, just until we're blinded by the blessed light

i tried to ignore
i tried to not see
but that is impossible with war
so, next i tried to flee

running so far that i collapsed
panting for life, i recognized war in my past
and resolved to fight
so i may live in the blessed light

at eighteen i didn't see death
rather the one that brings it
in my terror i could only mutter with my breath
a prayer to the one whom death bit

on that day i started war
and finally saw the unseen enemy

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.


this has been one of the few encouragements i have had for awhile now. I know it's true, but there are days where it is hard to carry on. today is one of those days. The strange thing is, even when i am in these days, i used to panic and worry. It is hard for me to get up and go about my day and work and praise jesus, but today, there's a lot of peace. it is hard, extremely hard, but there's a lot of inexplicable peace.

So, i spent roughly 6 hours on a porch of a party house in the getto. got to talk to a lot of people i wouldn't ordinarily get to talk to, got to see a different culture, got to be included in their culture. a few things struck me, i walked over and started talking and because i am white and talked to them i immediately earned their respect and was nicked named a " bad ass motherfucking white." apparently white people are timid and scared to talk. After spending the entire night talking to them, things like sex, drugs, and drinking all come up in the course of the night. as they tell stories of the strangest people they have had sex with and the strangest drugs they've taken, i don't live like that and when they ask, i straight up told them that i don't sleep around and i don't do drugs. They didn't believe me at first, i get this response all the time because the way they see it is this: if you say you don't do drugs and have sex, you're a liar, since everyone does drugs and has sex. Everyone who said they didn't, really do and just lie about it. So, why am i different?

I think their attitude toward the church could best be explained by what one of the men said, " war didn't make me a bad person, i just don't go to church anymore." Church and morals are separate and irrelevant. If there isn't jesus, i completely agree. There isn't anything that binds them together besides the work of jesus, but even so, the church isn't even supposed to be bound like we think they are. Ah, off topic, back to what i was writing about to begin with. wait, i never said what i was writing about to begin with, so, onto why i started writing!

The ghetto culture is so radically different that even the language and how they relate to each other is different than the white culture i was raised in. I relate to jesus and christianity by ideas, concepts, thinking. Jesus satisfies my ideas, my thoughts on life, all of that. it fits. Partially because that is how i was raised, i was raised with ideas and thoughts like this. i was raised in a theologians house. Even my friendships, my language, the way i relate to my friends is on a more abstract scale. I talk about ideas, philosophies that drive me, concepts of life as a whole. not that i am smarter or better, but that is just how i think. i look at over arching concepts that drive people. it is just instinctive for me. However, that is not how people in the ghetto think. In all honesty, i prefer the way they think, it really is much more real than the way i think, they just think and what is, is. they way they related to each other is just flat out saying what they think and the way they see life is they just see it. so, in a sense, for them to see christianity, they have to see it lived out. i can see an idea and hope i can live out christianity where that idea becomes a reality. i can see what the idea of the church is meant to be, but they don't look at ideas, they just look at life. So, by looking at life, all christians are liars and hypocrites.

That is a mostly true observation. Christians are supposed to be ultimately accepting and loving, they don't see that happening at all, christians aren't supposed to have sex before marriage, never happens that they have seen, the list goes on. so, with that, where in life is christianity true? it isn't.

On top of this, language, the white church, which is pretty prevalent, preaches an intellectual language, which doesn't make sense to them. In the same way, a lot of ghetto preachers don't make sense to me or you, we don't make sense to them. The gospel really hasn't been preached to them in their language and isn't being preached to them in their language. the great commission is about preaching to them in their language and living where they can see it. inner city missions really is mostly like poking people with a stick. if you genuinely want to see change, live with them and be open and vulnerable. They is the language that transcends any barrier. a life lived consistently.

Today i can feel a lot of life. today is a day that i use to remind myself of God's goodness when i don't feel it.

i'm realizing more and more the reality and the seriousness of having to know what you believe and being committed to it. The same reason why you have to have weight in what you believe is the same reason why you have to know what you believe. If you do not know and are not fully committed to what you believe then you never will be able to withstand any sort of struggle. To be honest, if i ever stopped believing in Jesus i would kill myself, since there wouldn't be any point to life. there really isn't. in the end, everything is absolutely meaningless without jesus. Jesus makes people real and makes life something to be reckoned with. The whole concept of jesus is what grounds you into reality, rather than making life an attempt to escape reality. Since, in the end, everyone is running from life and reality that life is, we are all running in some form or fashion. weather it is with drugs, sex, money, impulsiveness, relationships, careers, reputations, grades, even our insecurities can be things we use to run. The interesting thing that i find is that Jesus never made me stop running, but it is no longer aimless running. i know what i am running towards now. There is a tension in Jesus that is seemingly a constant contradiction in everything. It is a contradiction, but it is like a series of strings that are all pulled to perfect tension to stop the strings from hitting the ground. I am more real now than i ever was, but i am more withdrawn from life than i have ever been, i am more loving to people than i have ever been, but i am less effected and more torn up by people than i have ever been. Jesus makes me feel and makes pain so much more real, but allows me never be fully torn down completely. i may be joyful and have joy, but there are still days where the very color of life seems incredibly dark, but it is at these points you just have to accept what you believe and move on with life until the darkness passes. In the end, if your beliefs aren't what you value to death, they'll shift at every storm. yesterday was a day where i just had to force myself to accept that Jesus was king, that he loves me and has my best benefit in mind. In the end though, i know that it is true and today is a day where i can feel that and truly believe it and see it. probably why this verse is in isaiah:

" if you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all" - isaiah 7:9

i can say i never really enjoyed anything until a few months ago. i never found joy in everything. it was all empty, nothing was enough. i always needed more and that was never even enough. the saddest thing was when i got what i wanted and there wasn't anything in it. It drove me to do things i hated and still hate, it drove me to do anything to be satisfied. nothing was enough, so, i had to try everything. i am reading through isaiah now and a verse stood out tonight:

" on the right they will devour,
but still be hungry;
on the left they will eat,
but not be satisfied."
isaiah 9:20

this explains me perfectly. nothing ever was enough. never. i had an all consuming desire to find something that could make me rest. thought i found it in a relationship, but only to realize that couldn't satisfy either. Nothing did. So, in contrast, now i am sitting in a chair with my tiny tiny lap top, with piano music in the distance ( about ten feet) completely content and able to laugh and smile for the first time in my life.

You are a slave to anything you cannot let go of. Jesus forced me to let go of everything i trusted in. I am free and nothing binds me to earth. i can finally enjoy a smoke, a steak, and a hard work out. i am no longer searching for fulfillment in pleasure or my own self worth. Since i am looking for fullfillment in anything, i can enjoy everyhting because anything is always enough since i am already full. everything is filled with joy because i have everything i need. i always will. Everything in life is an overbearing master, since none of it is good enough. Knowledge: you can never be the best. Money: it'll burn and move without you. athletics: you will suck eventually no matter how good you are. Life sucks. it really does. it is filled with death, disappointment, and struggle. That is the beauty of it, i can look at all of this and still have a smile, since there is an inexplicable joy in knowing that i am completely loved and no longer have to search for love in my life.

you are loved you screwed up bastard. After loosing everything i trusted in, i looked up, and realized, " damn it. jesus does know best." freedom is amazing. you can finally find the name God made for you.

2 With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our fathers;
you crushed the peoples
and made our fathers flourish.

3 It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.
psalm 44

it wasn't by anything israel did that they got everything they had. how are we any different that we expect by our supposedly amazing things and actions that we earn anything? seriously, think about it. we read and look and think poorly about israel, but how often do we allow our relationship to guide us not in just we do not do, but in what we do?

i tend to forget how much suffering there is around me. We become numb to it in our little bubbles of those like us. to minister, we poke the problems with a stick so we do not become dirty and stay a safe distance. i was studying in a coffee shop and a man who i have seen come in and our and frenquents the cafe came in. he sat down near me, so, i started talking to him. after a few minutes of talking, he burst into tears since i was the only person in days he said that has talked to him. the fellow homeless men won't talk to him, since he will not do dope, everyone else ignores him. he loves jesus, he has faith in god, yet no one knows that. he lost everything he owns, he is in his 70's now, he has spent the last 14 years looking for his son, he suffers more than i will ever understand, since no matter how hard my life seems, i will never suffer as bad as he has and is suffering.

there's a lot life. i enjoy it.

oh, a good nights sleep. how i want one now.