i can say i never really enjoyed anything until a few months ago. i never found joy in everything. it was all empty, nothing was enough. i always needed more and that was never even enough. the saddest thing was when i got what i wanted and there wasn't anything in it. It drove me to do things i hated and still hate, it drove me to do anything to be satisfied. nothing was enough, so, i had to try everything. i am reading through isaiah now and a verse stood out tonight:

" on the right they will devour,
but still be hungry;
on the left they will eat,
but not be satisfied."
isaiah 9:20

this explains me perfectly. nothing ever was enough. never. i had an all consuming desire to find something that could make me rest. thought i found it in a relationship, but only to realize that couldn't satisfy either. Nothing did. So, in contrast, now i am sitting in a chair with my tiny tiny lap top, with piano music in the distance ( about ten feet) completely content and able to laugh and smile for the first time in my life.

You are a slave to anything you cannot let go of. Jesus forced me to let go of everything i trusted in. I am free and nothing binds me to earth. i can finally enjoy a smoke, a steak, and a hard work out. i am no longer searching for fulfillment in pleasure or my own self worth. Since i am looking for fullfillment in anything, i can enjoy everyhting because anything is always enough since i am already full. everything is filled with joy because i have everything i need. i always will. Everything in life is an overbearing master, since none of it is good enough. Knowledge: you can never be the best. Money: it'll burn and move without you. athletics: you will suck eventually no matter how good you are. Life sucks. it really does. it is filled with death, disappointment, and struggle. That is the beauty of it, i can look at all of this and still have a smile, since there is an inexplicable joy in knowing that i am completely loved and no longer have to search for love in my life.

you are loved you screwed up bastard. After loosing everything i trusted in, i looked up, and realized, " damn it. jesus does know best." freedom is amazing. you can finally find the name God made for you.