i'm realizing more and more the reality and the seriousness of having to know what you believe and being committed to it. The same reason why you have to have weight in what you believe is the same reason why you have to know what you believe. If you do not know and are not fully committed to what you believe then you never will be able to withstand any sort of struggle. To be honest, if i ever stopped believing in Jesus i would kill myself, since there wouldn't be any point to life. there really isn't. in the end, everything is absolutely meaningless without jesus. Jesus makes people real and makes life something to be reckoned with. The whole concept of jesus is what grounds you into reality, rather than making life an attempt to escape reality. Since, in the end, everyone is running from life and reality that life is, we are all running in some form or fashion. weather it is with drugs, sex, money, impulsiveness, relationships, careers, reputations, grades, even our insecurities can be things we use to run. The interesting thing that i find is that Jesus never made me stop running, but it is no longer aimless running. i know what i am running towards now. There is a tension in Jesus that is seemingly a constant contradiction in everything. It is a contradiction, but it is like a series of strings that are all pulled to perfect tension to stop the strings from hitting the ground. I am more real now than i ever was, but i am more withdrawn from life than i have ever been, i am more loving to people than i have ever been, but i am less effected and more torn up by people than i have ever been. Jesus makes me feel and makes pain so much more real, but allows me never be fully torn down completely. i may be joyful and have joy, but there are still days where the very color of life seems incredibly dark, but it is at these points you just have to accept what you believe and move on with life until the darkness passes. In the end, if your beliefs aren't what you value to death, they'll shift at every storm. yesterday was a day where i just had to force myself to accept that Jesus was king, that he loves me and has my best benefit in mind. In the end though, i know that it is true and today is a day where i can feel that and truly believe it and see it. probably why this verse is in isaiah:

" if you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all" - isaiah 7:9