Isaiah 63
The LORD’s Day of Vengeance
1Who is this who comes from Edom,
in crimsoned garments from Bozrah,
he who is splendid in his apparel,
marching in the greatness of his strength?
"It is I, speaking in righteousness,
mighty to save."

2Why is your apparel red,
and your garments like his who treads in the winepress?

3 "I have trodden the winepress alone,
and from the peoples no one was with me;
I trod them in my anger
and trampled them in my wrath;
their lifeblood spattered on my garments,
and stained all my apparel.
4 For the day of vengeance was in my heart,
and my year of redemption had come.
5I looked, but there was no one to help;
I was appalled, but there was no one to uphold;
so my own arm brought me salvation,
and my wrath upheld me.
6I trampled down the peoples in my anger;
I made them drunk in my wrath,
and I poured out their lifeblood on the earth."
The LORD’s Mercy Remembered
7I will recount the steadfast love of the LORD,
the praises of the LORD,
according to all that the LORD has granted us,
and the great goodness to the house of Israel
that he has granted them according to his compassion,
according to the abundance of his steadfast love.
8For he said, "Surely they are my people,
children who will not deal falsely."
And he became their Savior.
9 In all their affliction he was afflicted
and the angel of his presence saved them;
in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;
he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.

there are some of those days where you just aren't sure what is going on. you ask where is god, what is going on, does god really know what he is doing? all the struggles of people you're close to and helpless to help. my heart is confused, no idea what is going on inside of me, my brother has major health issues, dad has cancer, family is torn, school, money, jobs. bleh.

then i remember that jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, since today has it's own worries. so, yes. today, i need to eat, sleep, study some, pay the electric bill late, pray a lot about tomorrow and sleep. tomorrow, it is about the same. i don't know what tomorrows holds, but i can pray about that. other than that, God said to manage what we have well and to glorify and enjoy him. so, i go bridge jumping and have a smoke with some close friends.

sin is rampant, there's a lot of death and pain, but i have to be reminded over and over again of my place. I'm not in control of life and not responsible for saving people, it is my place to try to be a vessel of love. If God uses me or not is up to him, but i am supposed to be willing.

In the end, a few things i know, God loves me and has a plan that i can't see the in's and out's of and i pray to see them and he usually shows me in hindsight. I am still learning to trust, since i am a person who naturally doesn't trust, but i am learning that my plans usually aren't that great in comparison to what he has in mind for me. my life isn't where i planned, it is much better than i could have imagined since i never knew what i really wanted. I am loved and god has a plan. that is enough for me to hold to, that is enough for my portion.

" but you are out father,
though abraham does not know us
or israel acknowledge us;
our redeemer from of old is your name"
isaiah 63:16