so, i think the thing that i learned the most of over the summer was humility and love for fellow believers. i have always struggled with accepting christians who were judgmental, which is ironic, since i am struggling with judging judgmental people. I grew up being judge by christians because i took the gospel seriously and i got rejected by christian communities for that. For years i have responded by not showing the grace i was given back to them. One of the things i am learning is just how much i am forgiven constantly. i am a sinner and i still sin. I require constant forgiveness, since i am prideful and i think that i have all the answers. I don't have all the answers, the ones i have are from seeking jesus's face and when he has shown me my failures and pulled me out of my failures and into living in His successes.

Week five i quit having my prayer times, i quit reading my bible, i quit seeking jesus in my relationship with kids. i was not a counselor, i was not a mentor, i was a facilitator. i did a good job and my kids had fun. Kids do not need the cool counselor, they do not need an awesome time, these are good things to have, but they need to see jesus and need his grace just like i NEED that. i ended up taking my kids aside and apologizing to them, since on the last day of camp i got a huge wave of conviction from jesus that i had not been representing jesus, but myself the whole week. I pray jesus used me that week, but i wasn't seeking Jesus that week. it was a huge dose of humility that i really do require forgiveness, i really do need forgiveness to live. The grace my kids gave me was contatgious, since they had no hesitation to forgive me, i don't think most of them noticed. However, grace is like a dance: you will never really understand why people smile and keep dancing until you jump in the dance. from the outside, it makes no sense, however from the inside you never stop dancing. living in a midset of grace, living in the grace of jesus is what keeps me going and gives me joy, since it is a gift. I not only am taken from hell bound, better than acceptable, i am given the status as a king. a son of god, i am family with god.

people may have skewed views of freedom, people may disagree with me. regardless of what someone does to me though, how i treat people should not be dependent on what they do to me. in the end, everything we do is meant to glorify and work towards the expansion of God's kingdom. that is my life's purpose and how is my rejection of someone, how is my anger towards someone, how is my fear, lack of courage, timidity, and lust expanding God's kingdom? it isn't. We are meant to love without fear. My bitterness towards anyone is not loving and it is not loving without fear. On top of that, in john 13 jesus gave his disciples the command to love one another as jesus loved them so people will know that they were his disciples. that is the mark of jesus, a community based on selflessness and love for one another. It doesn't say with any exception of conservitism or liberalism. just love other believers as i have loved you so people will know i am a disciple of jesus. bam. i don't do that. i need to.

lastly, jesus really does love me. there are nights it is so clear that god really does listen, there are times when life works in such a manner that i know jesus really did die for me, god really does love for me, and the holy spirit really does work in the hearts of people and myself. the promises God made really were true and he really does live them out. God is faithful.

and a poem i wrote over the summer. to explain a few things: the bitter end, in the literal sense is when on a sail boat you reach the end of your rope and it is slipping, since you will have to risk your life to get that rope back to control the sail. that is why people use it to talk about their lives and when they're at their end. Also, have you ever realized jesus is the ultimate thief? we were in satans hands bound for hell and he reached in and took us out of his grasp. He filled satans hands with himself, since sin's punishment really is to be put in satans hands, to die, separate from god, and live in the hand of satan. Jesus stole us from satans hands and filled out place with himself. with that said, here's the poem.

when you reach the bitter end
you fight to gain and inch
as you struggle against the wind
and pray not to flinch

we think we’ll win
we think we’ve never lost
and but we never saw out sin
or understood its’ cost

i never had a chance
since i was bound for hell
and could only see heaven in a glance
i was predetermined to fail

we fight and still drift toward our death
until a man talked about a gift
from a man who committed the ultimate theft

hell had it’s hands wrapped on humanities ship
guiding us all into its’ depths
while quietly whispering past sin, guilt, and shit

hell hands had to be satisfied
a man, a god, filled hells hands
so we may be justified
and fulfill his secret rescue plan.