There are a few things God has been hammering on my heart. well, more than a few. a whole lot. Mostly it has to do with specific issues dealing with my pride, arrogance, intolerance, and how much i just love to flaunt myself. So, um, yes. with that, lets delve into my crap.

I am at a ranch in PA right now, a pretty extreme conservative ranch. I have worked with people from this ministry off and on for about three years now and they have all been whole hearted servants of jesus and i have always been judgmental in my heart towards this ministry. There are some legalistic people here, there are are people who have never been in the world and have no idea what it is like to minister to people who have been hurt by people who judge in the name of jesus. However, i realize i judge judgmental people. I judge, shun, and alienate people that i think will judge me or non-christians. This is the worst response ever and one that is horrifically sinful and a smear of the gospel. Yes, they may not love like they're supposed to, but i am so sinful as well. In response to their sin, i sin more, and even before they do something, i assume motives in their heart and sin against them before they have done or said anything.

This is an absolute horrible representation of christ's love for the church the members in the body christ rules. Regardless of their sin, regardless of my own and how right i may think i am, my testimony, more so than actually loving non-christians, is my love towards my christ bound family ( john 13). The most compelling witness is one done out of love and the staff here, inspite of what i think is a legalistic approach and they thing i live with too much liberty ( both of us are probably right) we are meant to love without fear and neither of us are living outside the bounds of the bible in our beliefs, but my own pride gets in the way of actually building relationships with people who are stricter in their beliefs. hmmm, yeah. i am sucking at the whole unity of the body jazz.

The beauty is they have been more accepting and more loving then i expected, since i didn't really expect an atmosphere of love and honesty. reality is these people, however odd i think a lot of them are, are honestly serving jesus and trying to expand his kingdom, teach the gospel fervently, and make disciples. Which is exactly what i try to make my life about. funny how that works. It's like they worship the same God, exist in the same body, and life with the same spirit in their heart that i do. Oh...yeah... we're brothers. It has been so convicting being loved by the ranch and seeing how wrong,how sinful, and wrong my heart has been for so long.

I also have began to realize i like to flaunt my suffering. when i am struggling, i mean, i am good at getting through stuff and enduring really rough times, but i love to flaunt how i endure things, how i can get by with nothing, and i manipulate people for attention and pity when i am struggling so i can make myself a saint or a man being killed for a cause. We aren't meant to flaunt suffering, we're meant to count all things a joy. not to be a person disillusioned with reality and just blow everything off, but i do believe suffering is god's mean of sanctification, which isn't a pretty process to go through. However, what do i place my affirmation in? what do i place my security in? Guy's typically, when going through identity crisis's, which may last for only a few hours or as long as weeks, turn to porn, lust, and masturbation as a way to affirm ourselves when we loose our security. No joke, when guys loose track of what they place their security in we will start to lust more intensely and loose the desire to fight sin. However, i am learning more and more just how intensely my identity is in Jesus as my King who saved me from the wrath of God and brought me to my father.

With my identity growing in my king and as a fighter for His kingdom, i am realizing all suffer, all things good and bad, are for Jesus's greatest glory and God's greatest good for us. With this said, Jesus never bragged about his suffering, he never flaunted it, if anything he hid it. We are not meant to be miserable creatures suffering in poverty and depression, but working towards something, just miserably doing so. As another christians, i want to challenge you to ask yourself these questions: " what do i enjoy and what do i do when i am most insecure?" the reason why is when we truly begin to find what gives us joy we will begin to see so much more of God. God created us to expand His community and bring Him glory. With that, with live in an eternal slavery where we are dead, unable to enjoy and connect, wallowing in sin. God didn't like that, he hated it, so he tore himself apart to save us from His perfect wrath that we deserved. Then, on top of God taking our punishment, God reached into the grasp of hell and pulled me into His freedom. I am free to enjoy things, i am free to live, to create, to love, to pursue, and to worship. I think if you find what you enjoy you will find how to further know God, since he is loving, wrathful, just, and gracious. the great thing is, inspite of my sin, God sees Jesus's record as my own and takes me in as his son, as rulers with Jesus. If that doesn't want to make you fight and live, nothing will.


To see God's holiness in a new way each day; i see my sin in a new way each day. God is the image of perfection and the more i see of perfection the more i see my sin because i begin to understand more and more what sin is by seeing what perfection is. It is a painful process, since i am sinful and God is perfect. Please pray for me to fight with a crazed passion for what the kingdom is, i learn to love and serve the body instead of judge and be bitter, that the kids that i am about to work with will be opened, and that God will continue showing me sin while showing me equally how much grace i have been given and how much more i will be given.

that was long winded, but Jesus does a lot and makes me talk alot. he also makes me get all giddy like a little kid again. I am giddy right now.

Fight.