So, ultimately living for yourself is a dead end and cannot satisfy your craving. it all spirals down and the only way to keep the craving down is to put it into chaos and just shift highs constantly. nothing fulfills us except jesus, but serving other people is the only way to not live for yourself and in a strange way i have always served people and always been selfish. Serving people was the closest illusion to following christ i had and i thrived as much as i could on it, which wasn't that much, but it was something. I was a selfish server of people, since i was serving to gain love and to build myself up. it is the closest thing to following something other than myself i had figured out and was the closest thing to fulfillment i had ever found. Serving people burnt me out though, it eventually drove me into the ground and made me break down.

Jesus is a strange thing, since he makes us more like ourselves. Sin cannot create, it can only distort us more than we already are. Growing towards and pursuing jesus makes us more like ourselves since the closer we are to jesus the more we are like our original selves, the more like we were created to be we are. In a sense, the only way to actually know your limits, how to feed yourself and how to feed other people is to pursue jesus, since we never truly know ourselves until we live inside jesus. Jesus is how we are truly fed and not burnt out, since it is only through jesus we have any satisfaction. there isn't any other way. nothing else can fill or satisfy the desires we have. However, we typically see the pursuit of jesus as in we pursue jesus first, then everything else. i don't think that is entirely right, though. if we're pursuing jesus first, then when do we stop pursuing jesus to pursue what we are pursuing second?

The pursuit of jesus is not something that comes in and out and you just pursue jesus more than other things, since in the end, if you're not pursuing jesus in something, you're not pursuing jesus. It is through the pursuit of jesus that you pursue anything else. Everything becomes a pursuit of jesus and in that everything is the constant feeding of yourself. Serving people truly becomes selfless since it isn't about either of you, rather jesus.