Today i can feel a lot of life. today is a day that i use to remind myself of God's goodness when i don't feel it.

i'm realizing more and more the reality and the seriousness of having to know what you believe and being committed to it. The same reason why you have to have weight in what you believe is the same reason why you have to know what you believe. If you do not know and are not fully committed to what you believe then you never will be able to withstand any sort of struggle. To be honest, if i ever stopped believing in Jesus i would kill myself, since there wouldn't be any point to life. there really isn't. in the end, everything is absolutely meaningless without jesus. Jesus makes people real and makes life something to be reckoned with. The whole concept of jesus is what grounds you into reality, rather than making life an attempt to escape reality. Since, in the end, everyone is running from life and reality that life is, we are all running in some form or fashion. weather it is with drugs, sex, money, impulsiveness, relationships, careers, reputations, grades, even our insecurities can be things we use to run. The interesting thing that i find is that Jesus never made me stop running, but it is no longer aimless running. i know what i am running towards now. There is a tension in Jesus that is seemingly a constant contradiction in everything. It is a contradiction, but it is like a series of strings that are all pulled to perfect tension to stop the strings from hitting the ground. I am more real now than i ever was, but i am more withdrawn from life than i have ever been, i am more loving to people than i have ever been, but i am less effected and more torn up by people than i have ever been. Jesus makes me feel and makes pain so much more real, but allows me never be fully torn down completely. i may be joyful and have joy, but there are still days where the very color of life seems incredibly dark, but it is at these points you just have to accept what you believe and move on with life until the darkness passes. In the end, if your beliefs aren't what you value to death, they'll shift at every storm. yesterday was a day where i just had to force myself to accept that Jesus was king, that he loves me and has my best benefit in mind. In the end though, i know that it is true and today is a day where i can feel that and truly believe it and see it. probably why this verse is in isaiah:

" if you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all" - isaiah 7:9

i can say i never really enjoyed anything until a few months ago. i never found joy in everything. it was all empty, nothing was enough. i always needed more and that was never even enough. the saddest thing was when i got what i wanted and there wasn't anything in it. It drove me to do things i hated and still hate, it drove me to do anything to be satisfied. nothing was enough, so, i had to try everything. i am reading through isaiah now and a verse stood out tonight:

" on the right they will devour,
but still be hungry;
on the left they will eat,
but not be satisfied."
isaiah 9:20

this explains me perfectly. nothing ever was enough. never. i had an all consuming desire to find something that could make me rest. thought i found it in a relationship, but only to realize that couldn't satisfy either. Nothing did. So, in contrast, now i am sitting in a chair with my tiny tiny lap top, with piano music in the distance ( about ten feet) completely content and able to laugh and smile for the first time in my life.

You are a slave to anything you cannot let go of. Jesus forced me to let go of everything i trusted in. I am free and nothing binds me to earth. i can finally enjoy a smoke, a steak, and a hard work out. i am no longer searching for fulfillment in pleasure or my own self worth. Since i am looking for fullfillment in anything, i can enjoy everyhting because anything is always enough since i am already full. everything is filled with joy because i have everything i need. i always will. Everything in life is an overbearing master, since none of it is good enough. Knowledge: you can never be the best. Money: it'll burn and move without you. athletics: you will suck eventually no matter how good you are. Life sucks. it really does. it is filled with death, disappointment, and struggle. That is the beauty of it, i can look at all of this and still have a smile, since there is an inexplicable joy in knowing that i am completely loved and no longer have to search for love in my life.

you are loved you screwed up bastard. After loosing everything i trusted in, i looked up, and realized, " damn it. jesus does know best." freedom is amazing. you can finally find the name God made for you.

2 With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our fathers;
you crushed the peoples
and made our fathers flourish.

3 It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.
psalm 44

it wasn't by anything israel did that they got everything they had. how are we any different that we expect by our supposedly amazing things and actions that we earn anything? seriously, think about it. we read and look and think poorly about israel, but how often do we allow our relationship to guide us not in just we do not do, but in what we do?

i tend to forget how much suffering there is around me. We become numb to it in our little bubbles of those like us. to minister, we poke the problems with a stick so we do not become dirty and stay a safe distance. i was studying in a coffee shop and a man who i have seen come in and our and frenquents the cafe came in. he sat down near me, so, i started talking to him. after a few minutes of talking, he burst into tears since i was the only person in days he said that has talked to him. the fellow homeless men won't talk to him, since he will not do dope, everyone else ignores him. he loves jesus, he has faith in god, yet no one knows that. he lost everything he owns, he is in his 70's now, he has spent the last 14 years looking for his son, he suffers more than i will ever understand, since no matter how hard my life seems, i will never suffer as bad as he has and is suffering.

there's a lot life. i enjoy it.

oh, a good nights sleep. how i want one now.