it is raining in the street
everyone runs to avoid getting wet
but i walk slowly to wash the darkness off my feet
the rain does nothing because the darkness is set
i scrub with rain
until my skin grows raw
it does nothing
since my skin is stained
i am disfigured by efforts to clean myself
pained to see what i have become
i lay in the street in a pity puddle for self
i break, screaming, " o come, o come"
before long the depths of hell will open
but i hope to be saved
made clean and unbroken
someone come conquer the depths of my grave
o come, Emanuel, o come again
still in my pity
heaven breaks open
for the first time light shown on this city
and my eyes are finally awakened
the heavenly light burns more than any claim
as it washes my darkness away
now hell no longer has a claim
nothing to give or take or anything to say
a god man came down with the light
and walked in the street with us
he told me not to worry,since my body will return to dust
to use my new sight and find what i trust
i asked him why i had never seen before
he said the light was always around me
but my eyes aren't darkened anymore
only with broken eyes can you see
the man said it was time to go
he had somewhere greater to be
then he said, with a radiant glow
i am preparing a home for you and me
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
this is a story i wrote for class. I had to write a historical fiction story based in the cold war. so, i did.
This is the story of a relatively average man in height, weight, and moral stature. However, this man would soon become a hero to the people. This man is not terribly adventurous, however, every day he walks for hours inside the “Do not cross” line in-between the berlin wall and West Berlin. This is not done out of some sense of adventure or for possible escape, rather this is the job of a government brick shiner. In order to keep morale up without actually changing anything, the government at least tries to keep the wall looking somewhat decent, which requires quite a few brick shiners, since there is quite a bit of wall to shine.
Today, Dimitry the brick shiner walks out of his relatively small apartment near the Berlin wall to find a hole put in it where people had escaped the night before. Upset by the sight of the hole in his previously well-kept wall, Dimitry quickly ran to the nearest phone and called a maintenance crew. The maintenance chief picked up after a few too many rings, possibly fifty or sixty. “Hello, comrade Vieske’s speaking, you have reached the united communist maintenance department… how may I help you comrade?” Dimitry, still flabbergasted, yelled, “There is a hole in my wall! And it looks TERRIBLE!” Comrade Vieske, thinking this was a joke, hung up the phone and resumed reading his favorite comic strip, Andy Capp. This comic stripped was banned in Soviet countries, but a fellow comrade also enjoyed the witty dialogue of the lazy Andy Capp and had been sneaking comics in for the past several years.
After regaining his mental composure, dimity began his day of brick shining. Planes began to fly overhead to drop supplies west of the wall due to the supply block the soviets had been putting around West Berlin. Dimitry usually enjoyed singing his favorite songs to himself and occasionally during a smoke break learning popular communist dance moves that were all the rage back in Stalingrad. Today was an unusually distracting day and Dimitry was pondering world events that were weightier than his usual subject of thought. He found himself wondering what the outcome would be of this great conflict that had been going on for a number of years without any real fighting between the east and the west. Dimitry quickly realized it was not his place to doubt the outcome of the Union, so, he continued brick shining, but sang louder to try and cover up the noise of the planes.
After a long day of brick shining, Dimitry returned to his modest apartment to listen to CNN, the Communist News Network’s evening broadcast. After hearing of the thrilling expansion of the Union, and how the western ideals of capitalism were failing, and the miserable western civilian populace that was oppressed by the democratic governments in the west, he was strangely happy. Being reassured of the superiority of the Union and its living conditions, there was no longer any doubt in his mind about the outcome of the world. Then he realized: “This is the government channel.” The implications of this tremendous realization were interrupted when he also happened to realize that his eggs and ham were burning! Stalin would be ashamed if a comrade wasted the luxury of eggs and ham that were given by the people’s government! After the news and supper, it was time to sleep and rest for another day of work, serving the glorious people’s government!
Dimitry woke to the of screaming, yelling, and the sound of his fan catching fire, which was completely unrelated to the riot taking place in the street next to his apartment, probably faulty wiring, however no one will admit that the Union is incapable of making fans that last like the fans of the west do.
Dimitry quickly looked out his window after screaming a bit from burning his hands while throwing his night stand that had caught fire from the faulty fan out his window. This however, was a very consequential mistake. The riot going on beneath his modest apartment, in the not-so-modest year of 1953, were small parts of a large chain of riots going on across East Germany due to the government not paying employees when production quotas were not met. The riot saw this faulty flaming fan and night stand going into the streets as the action of a not so average rebel! The riot police quickly figured out which apartment the furniture came out of and moved to arrest Dimitry. From now on, Dimitry’s days were no longer very average and in the eyes of people he was a not so average man anymore, but a signal of rebellion and hope. Screaming and hurling flaming furniture into the streets became a way to show your defiance, to show you are not passive; this became a symbol of freedom and this is how Dimitry became a hero to the people.
This is the story of a relatively average man in height, weight, and moral stature. However, this man would soon become a hero to the people. This man is not terribly adventurous, however, every day he walks for hours inside the “Do not cross” line in-between the berlin wall and West Berlin. This is not done out of some sense of adventure or for possible escape, rather this is the job of a government brick shiner. In order to keep morale up without actually changing anything, the government at least tries to keep the wall looking somewhat decent, which requires quite a few brick shiners, since there is quite a bit of wall to shine.
Today, Dimitry the brick shiner walks out of his relatively small apartment near the Berlin wall to find a hole put in it where people had escaped the night before. Upset by the sight of the hole in his previously well-kept wall, Dimitry quickly ran to the nearest phone and called a maintenance crew. The maintenance chief picked up after a few too many rings, possibly fifty or sixty. “Hello, comrade Vieske’s speaking, you have reached the united communist maintenance department… how may I help you comrade?” Dimitry, still flabbergasted, yelled, “There is a hole in my wall! And it looks TERRIBLE!” Comrade Vieske, thinking this was a joke, hung up the phone and resumed reading his favorite comic strip, Andy Capp. This comic stripped was banned in Soviet countries, but a fellow comrade also enjoyed the witty dialogue of the lazy Andy Capp and had been sneaking comics in for the past several years.
After regaining his mental composure, dimity began his day of brick shining. Planes began to fly overhead to drop supplies west of the wall due to the supply block the soviets had been putting around West Berlin. Dimitry usually enjoyed singing his favorite songs to himself and occasionally during a smoke break learning popular communist dance moves that were all the rage back in Stalingrad. Today was an unusually distracting day and Dimitry was pondering world events that were weightier than his usual subject of thought. He found himself wondering what the outcome would be of this great conflict that had been going on for a number of years without any real fighting between the east and the west. Dimitry quickly realized it was not his place to doubt the outcome of the Union, so, he continued brick shining, but sang louder to try and cover up the noise of the planes.
After a long day of brick shining, Dimitry returned to his modest apartment to listen to CNN, the Communist News Network’s evening broadcast. After hearing of the thrilling expansion of the Union, and how the western ideals of capitalism were failing, and the miserable western civilian populace that was oppressed by the democratic governments in the west, he was strangely happy. Being reassured of the superiority of the Union and its living conditions, there was no longer any doubt in his mind about the outcome of the world. Then he realized: “This is the government channel.” The implications of this tremendous realization were interrupted when he also happened to realize that his eggs and ham were burning! Stalin would be ashamed if a comrade wasted the luxury of eggs and ham that were given by the people’s government! After the news and supper, it was time to sleep and rest for another day of work, serving the glorious people’s government!
Dimitry woke to the of screaming, yelling, and the sound of his fan catching fire, which was completely unrelated to the riot taking place in the street next to his apartment, probably faulty wiring, however no one will admit that the Union is incapable of making fans that last like the fans of the west do.
Dimitry quickly looked out his window after screaming a bit from burning his hands while throwing his night stand that had caught fire from the faulty fan out his window. This however, was a very consequential mistake. The riot going on beneath his modest apartment, in the not-so-modest year of 1953, were small parts of a large chain of riots going on across East Germany due to the government not paying employees when production quotas were not met. The riot saw this faulty flaming fan and night stand going into the streets as the action of a not so average rebel! The riot police quickly figured out which apartment the furniture came out of and moved to arrest Dimitry. From now on, Dimitry’s days were no longer very average and in the eyes of people he was a not so average man anymore, but a signal of rebellion and hope. Screaming and hurling flaming furniture into the streets became a way to show your defiance, to show you are not passive; this became a symbol of freedom and this is how Dimitry became a hero to the people.
Monday, March 28, 2011
another day without a cigarette. sadly enough it is raining, which was my favorite smoking weather. however, i am going to go buy some pipe tabacco and hoping that'll satisfy cigarette craving.
5 The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.
proverbs 20:5
something i have noticed in myself is that when i am allowing myself to be so busy i don't take time to reflect, i tend to forget who i am. not in the sens of i am sonny gunn, 5'11, 170 pounds,blonde hair, blue eyes. rather, everything that comes before you, you forget how to deal or cope with it in the ways that you know are right. decisions seem impossible, everything in uncertain even when it really is not that complicated, depression sets in, and i forget who God is.
honestly, i think it goes back to just remembering who god is, since in the end, i think it is against my nature to want to remember that, to want to admit how much i need him, but i know it is all true. i do need him desperately need him. when you're restless, alot of times i think it is less of being in a mood to move and get things done and more of a mood of being scared of what your thoughts and ideas are. If you aren't in a pattern, a routine, of being honest with yourself and god, your thoughts are a scary thing.
i think satan uses us not confronting things in order to build up small things into big monsters so we are never really sure what to do so we will live lives of fear, instead of the boldness we are called to. living in the present, living in what is actually true instead of dabbling in possibilities and in what is, is so much simpler, since none of actually know how possibilities are going to work out or even where our desires will be tomorrow.
today, i am tired, somewhat exausted really, ready for the semester to end and to leave jackson for a tad bit.
5 The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters,
but one who has insight draws them out.
proverbs 20:5
something i have noticed in myself is that when i am allowing myself to be so busy i don't take time to reflect, i tend to forget who i am. not in the sens of i am sonny gunn, 5'11, 170 pounds,blonde hair, blue eyes. rather, everything that comes before you, you forget how to deal or cope with it in the ways that you know are right. decisions seem impossible, everything in uncertain even when it really is not that complicated, depression sets in, and i forget who God is.
honestly, i think it goes back to just remembering who god is, since in the end, i think it is against my nature to want to remember that, to want to admit how much i need him, but i know it is all true. i do need him desperately need him. when you're restless, alot of times i think it is less of being in a mood to move and get things done and more of a mood of being scared of what your thoughts and ideas are. If you aren't in a pattern, a routine, of being honest with yourself and god, your thoughts are a scary thing.
i think satan uses us not confronting things in order to build up small things into big monsters so we are never really sure what to do so we will live lives of fear, instead of the boldness we are called to. living in the present, living in what is actually true instead of dabbling in possibilities and in what is, is so much simpler, since none of actually know how possibilities are going to work out or even where our desires will be tomorrow.
today, i am tired, somewhat exausted really, ready for the semester to end and to leave jackson for a tad bit.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
life really is about finding what you are obsessed with. There is a progression we are all a part of and we start with ourselves and what brings enjoyment. notice when you watch middleschoolers hanging out for the first time, it is all about who can get the most attention. our obsessions, our addictions, begin with our self. I still smoke, i tried to stop and did for awhile, but what it boils down to is that i haven't found a reason that makes me stop yet. when i am craving a cigarette, what is a bigger craving that makes me fight the nicotine desires my body has now? porn, lust, masturbation, self obsessions with my image, and popularity. those were hard to stop, but easier in the long run, since i know how they affect my relationship with jesus and how it really is an effed up priority to have an addiction to any of these terrible things. it truly boiled down to i knew i was loved by my father above, jesus was in me showing and working that love in me, and that was a greater addiction, a better satisfaction, and i wanted that more than the other things. In the end, i didn't have a choice. Jesus was more real and than anything i ran to, it was the only real thing i experienced.
Idols are something that are everything. Relationships are near impossible to keep from being idols, for me, soccer, school, and work are idols that i struggle with. I used to be one of the best at soccer, the best worker, and the best student. i live in those reputations, that was me. i was defined as the goalie who never got scored on. i played a professional scottish team and stopped every penalty kick. i was 16 at the time and playing in professional leagues and that was all there was to me. what woke me up and why i slept was to play soccer better, to show up to work on time, to make the best test grade in my class. all those things were taken away from me with time. as a kid, the identity crisis that happens make you wonder why you exist.
i think all idols, in the sense of what we are making our highest addiction are in a way, trying to find validation, our purpose. we are always looking into ourselves, in trying to put something in us that makes us better. guns, fights, and sex makes guys thing they're the biggest thing since coffee and cigarettes. the thing is, the most counter intuitive thing we can do is where our true identity is found. Not in us. in the end, none of us can vouch for our own character. you and i, either have been or are something we are hiding from others, since there is something in us saying we are not what we are meant to be. that is just what human nature is saying to us. you can't get around that we are going to fail people we love, since they know us, we are going to fail them.
Time does not bring healing, it does not change things in us for the better, but love does. i screw up, i fail, i am a messy person who has his shit. the thing that is interesting, christianity isn't about me. it is about accepting grace, and accepting a relationship. Living in relationship with someone that loves you in spite of you. The heart of sin is control, becoming our own god. if that comes out in rebelling and making up your own rules or following everything to save yourself. they are both making you your own personal savior that you can't be. in the end, you can't save yourself, but it isn't about you, it is about someone else saving you.
Idols are something that are everything. Relationships are near impossible to keep from being idols, for me, soccer, school, and work are idols that i struggle with. I used to be one of the best at soccer, the best worker, and the best student. i live in those reputations, that was me. i was defined as the goalie who never got scored on. i played a professional scottish team and stopped every penalty kick. i was 16 at the time and playing in professional leagues and that was all there was to me. what woke me up and why i slept was to play soccer better, to show up to work on time, to make the best test grade in my class. all those things were taken away from me with time. as a kid, the identity crisis that happens make you wonder why you exist.
i think all idols, in the sense of what we are making our highest addiction are in a way, trying to find validation, our purpose. we are always looking into ourselves, in trying to put something in us that makes us better. guns, fights, and sex makes guys thing they're the biggest thing since coffee and cigarettes. the thing is, the most counter intuitive thing we can do is where our true identity is found. Not in us. in the end, none of us can vouch for our own character. you and i, either have been or are something we are hiding from others, since there is something in us saying we are not what we are meant to be. that is just what human nature is saying to us. you can't get around that we are going to fail people we love, since they know us, we are going to fail them.
Time does not bring healing, it does not change things in us for the better, but love does. i screw up, i fail, i am a messy person who has his shit. the thing that is interesting, christianity isn't about me. it is about accepting grace, and accepting a relationship. Living in relationship with someone that loves you in spite of you. The heart of sin is control, becoming our own god. if that comes out in rebelling and making up your own rules or following everything to save yourself. they are both making you your own personal savior that you can't be. in the end, you can't save yourself, but it isn't about you, it is about someone else saving you.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
" whoah. these kids...they're naked and climbing the refrigerator" -mary palmer
17my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18(Y) so I say, "My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD."
19(Z) Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
(AA) the wormwood and(AB) the gall!
20My soul continually remembers it
(AC) and is bowed down within me.
21But this I call to mind,
and(AD) therefore I have hope:
22(AE) The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
23they are new(AF) every morning;
(AG) great is your faithfulness.
24(AH) "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
(AI) "therefore I will hope in him."
25The LORD is good to those who(AJ) wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26(AK) It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27(AL) It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke(AM) in his youth.
lamentations 3
so, i think this is kind of the guide book to how to mourn and grieve. There has been a lot of death around my friends, my church, and my community recently and it just seems like chaos so much of the time. then i remember, the world is cursed with sin and sin can't create, it only distorts, making chaos. there isn't much of anything we can do to fix that, but with christians, when they die, it still makes sense, because the curse was broken, jesus became our sin and broke death for us so death is actually coming to our true life, our true home, my true family.
A friend of mine hung himself last week. he was an atheist. it really just seems like chaos. he isn't praising jesus in heaven, he won't be in heaven with us, he is dead and separated from God. life is full of things that make us seem like we are chewing gravel, since it just doesn't make sense why there is gravel in our mouth and why we have to chew it. i mean, chewing gravel sucks. i haven't tried, but it is thoroughly disgusting sounding. and sadly, that is life as it seems.
there are a lot of things though we aren't called to understand. i am not called to understand everything, rather accept that God is sovereign. Since, well, he is and when you accept that in every area, it redefines your thinking. It doesn't always make the pain easier, you still mourn, but with a purpose, you still hurt, but there is reason. Jeremiah wrote that he calls to the front of his mind God's unfailing faithfulness and that is why he has hope. there is no way jeremiah could see why his whole country had to be ruined, oppressed, and scattered. However, that is how history had to go to lay the foundations for jesus to come and die.
Fortunately, i am not in control and i do not understand all ( or even most) things. Some how God was there, since he says he was, when tyler hung himself from a tree, somehow he was there when my churches worship leader was killed in a car crash. i dunno how, but in the end, God says he is working all things together to redeem the world. some how, in both small and large ways, these are pieces that jesus is using to put the world back together, slowly, but it is a piece or redemption and God's glory.
17my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18(Y) so I say, "My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD."
19(Z) Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
(AA) the wormwood and(AB) the gall!
20My soul continually remembers it
(AC) and is bowed down within me.
21But this I call to mind,
and(AD) therefore I have hope:
22(AE) The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
23they are new(AF) every morning;
(AG) great is your faithfulness.
24(AH) "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
(AI) "therefore I will hope in him."
25The LORD is good to those who(AJ) wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26(AK) It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
27(AL) It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke(AM) in his youth.
lamentations 3
so, i think this is kind of the guide book to how to mourn and grieve. There has been a lot of death around my friends, my church, and my community recently and it just seems like chaos so much of the time. then i remember, the world is cursed with sin and sin can't create, it only distorts, making chaos. there isn't much of anything we can do to fix that, but with christians, when they die, it still makes sense, because the curse was broken, jesus became our sin and broke death for us so death is actually coming to our true life, our true home, my true family.
A friend of mine hung himself last week. he was an atheist. it really just seems like chaos. he isn't praising jesus in heaven, he won't be in heaven with us, he is dead and separated from God. life is full of things that make us seem like we are chewing gravel, since it just doesn't make sense why there is gravel in our mouth and why we have to chew it. i mean, chewing gravel sucks. i haven't tried, but it is thoroughly disgusting sounding. and sadly, that is life as it seems.
there are a lot of things though we aren't called to understand. i am not called to understand everything, rather accept that God is sovereign. Since, well, he is and when you accept that in every area, it redefines your thinking. It doesn't always make the pain easier, you still mourn, but with a purpose, you still hurt, but there is reason. Jeremiah wrote that he calls to the front of his mind God's unfailing faithfulness and that is why he has hope. there is no way jeremiah could see why his whole country had to be ruined, oppressed, and scattered. However, that is how history had to go to lay the foundations for jesus to come and die.
Fortunately, i am not in control and i do not understand all ( or even most) things. Some how God was there, since he says he was, when tyler hung himself from a tree, somehow he was there when my churches worship leader was killed in a car crash. i dunno how, but in the end, God says he is working all things together to redeem the world. some how, in both small and large ways, these are pieces that jesus is using to put the world back together, slowly, but it is a piece or redemption and God's glory.
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