life really is about finding what you are obsessed with. There is a progression we are all a part of and we start with ourselves and what brings enjoyment. notice when you watch middleschoolers hanging out for the first time, it is all about who can get the most attention. our obsessions, our addictions, begin with our self. I still smoke, i tried to stop and did for awhile, but what it boils down to is that i haven't found a reason that makes me stop yet. when i am craving a cigarette, what is a bigger craving that makes me fight the nicotine desires my body has now? porn, lust, masturbation, self obsessions with my image, and popularity. those were hard to stop, but easier in the long run, since i know how they affect my relationship with jesus and how it really is an effed up priority to have an addiction to any of these terrible things. it truly boiled down to i knew i was loved by my father above, jesus was in me showing and working that love in me, and that was a greater addiction, a better satisfaction, and i wanted that more than the other things. In the end, i didn't have a choice. Jesus was more real and than anything i ran to, it was the only real thing i experienced.

Idols are something that are everything. Relationships are near impossible to keep from being idols, for me, soccer, school, and work are idols that i struggle with. I used to be one of the best at soccer, the best worker, and the best student. i live in those reputations, that was me. i was defined as the goalie who never got scored on. i played a professional scottish team and stopped every penalty kick. i was 16 at the time and playing in professional leagues and that was all there was to me. what woke me up and why i slept was to play soccer better, to show up to work on time, to make the best test grade in my class. all those things were taken away from me with time. as a kid, the identity crisis that happens make you wonder why you exist.

i think all idols, in the sense of what we are making our highest addiction are in a way, trying to find validation, our purpose. we are always looking into ourselves, in trying to put something in us that makes us better. guns, fights, and sex makes guys thing they're the biggest thing since coffee and cigarettes. the thing is, the most counter intuitive thing we can do is where our true identity is found. Not in us. in the end, none of us can vouch for our own character. you and i, either have been or are something we are hiding from others, since there is something in us saying we are not what we are meant to be. that is just what human nature is saying to us. you can't get around that we are going to fail people we love, since they know us, we are going to fail them.

Time does not bring healing, it does not change things in us for the better, but love does. i screw up, i fail, i am a messy person who has his shit. the thing that is interesting, christianity isn't about me. it is about accepting grace, and accepting a relationship. Living in relationship with someone that loves you in spite of you. The heart of sin is control, becoming our own god. if that comes out in rebelling and making up your own rules or following everything to save yourself. they are both making you your own personal savior that you can't be. in the end, you can't save yourself, but it isn't about you, it is about someone else saving you.