" because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God already forsake us."- george mcdonald.

my heart was cold and distant
i never felt or gave
but christ's love persisted
and my false strength left and i was saved

i saw the cross and found my trust
in a single moment i burst
i looked at my heard and saw rust
and my hands too were cursed

a breath came in like death
i breathed for the first time
and actually laid down to rest
finally, i found peace from my crimes

my heart started from the cross
beating, feeling, like i was a little boy
because of one mans great loss
i can experience joy

If ever a plea for the broken was made
i heard it in the night
A cry for you
A cry so you may be whole one day

Live as two, three, and four
never a sound thought or a nights rest
my body was in a constant war
and a few hours peace a night was my best

Never living or dieing
But slowly walking away from life
I swore i lived and loved, but i was lying
I lived in death, since i never knew christ

I never experienced love or family
and never was cherished by someone
every place i found closeness made me flee
i ran
i ran from the man who died
and fought my battle until it was won

i was pursued a man, a carpenter by trade
he is the man who constructed a great salvation
and made the greatest love story ever written
and all he asked was a conversation

My heart has been pursued my whole life
our lives are a love story
of a God pursuing with a passion for a man to his wife
now i can rest in love to never worry

i no longer run from closeness
since i am bound with love that binds
i have everything, but cannot boast
i am passionate to chose this love to all man kind
and show the fulfillment of the love story.

so, i never had a family. the closest remnant to family i have ever had has been my siblings. it is still a recent thing that we are a family. It ate me alive that i have no parents, no home, just places to live. I am not a person that crys much or often, i have never cried this hard. i was outside and cried until my hands and face was so wet i couldn't wipe away tears and i took off my shirt and had to use it. i realized that the intense lonleyness i have been struggling with was once again, me trying to find love where there isn't lasting love. My whole life, all my struggles, mistakes, all, has been because i am searching for love. that is what i am doing and have been doing my whole life. searching for love, reassurance of love, wanting and craving with everything to KNOW that i am loved. I realized i had no real family system and as everyone returns for a break to their homes to people they love, i realized, i don't have that. I broke, i couldn't take it. i went to sleep in a pile of damp sheets and pillows and woke a few hours later for class in the exact same state of brokenness. throughout classes, in between, and after i was crying for a solid day. i couldn't take it. i called a guy, he listened, then simply responded, " you don't have a home, you don't have parents, but you have a family. we're brothers."

i have a bigger family than most anyone else. It is alive, growing, and moving constantly. The blood of christ is thicker than the blood of relatives and makes me closer than i am to my family. the reason why my siblings and i are family now is because we all have christ. that is why we are family. My family is constantly growing and is an all inclusive family. There is a lot of life in jesus, there is a lot of joy. I have a family. I really was a wander, i was not grounded with anyone or anything, i have never formed attachments, i have never been open or vulnerable, i have never been real, i have never been able to experience love or love anyone, these are things now that are in my life and living in the midst of my life. that is why i say there is a lot of life in jesus, since i finally found life.

some days things just seem unbearable. i don't know why, but tonight not having a home, not having a family place, not having a place to go. it just kills.

so, hope and trust are connected intimately. I wasn't sure what actually changed in me, i know something drastically did. I found a lot tonight on a long walk with my pipe and praying. I trust now. I fully trust in jesus's righteousness as my own. that is why i can hope and have joy now. now, to explain:

you cannot hope in something unless you have a complete faith and trust in something. since you're believing that what you are trusting in is bigger and greater than what is causing you to have to trust and to want to hope in something. until i had complete trust in jesus's righteousness, i always doubted, strove, and fought for peoples opinions. i never rested in that my reputation was already spoken for, i never rested in someone else bearing my shame and making a perfect reputation in heaven for me. In the bigger sense, i was never able to have hope and from hope, joy, because i never fully trusted in jesus's righteousness. I knew jesus, but complete trust and completely letting go of myself hadn't come yet.

In the psalms, david writes about God's faithfulness, then talks about how God is his rock and how he hopes in God's salvation. Hoping in despair, that is trusting and giving up our plans, that is trusting that God had a more beautiful and fulfilling plan than what we have. I am not saying this as a person who has it all together, not even that i have a good trust and can hope when i am suffering. i loose sight of this way too easily. the moment pain hits, i struggle to remember to pray, i struggle to want to get out of pain. I am learning and slowly starting to walk in trust. i have never trusted before, but i know this is right. I have joy for the first time in my life because i have been trusting. i can smile now, i laugh, i enjoy. all these things hurt and make me vulnerable, but i am alive. we have life in jesus and he has given me a lot of life. so, well, shit this is awesome.

So, i've been reading through the old testament prophets. God talks alot, i mean, it is his book. so, i should have figured as much, but it threw me off when i realized, this is God speaking. He is wild. He isn't tame. He does everything possible to bring his bride to love him. He isn't tame, but he is loving.

If we are called to become more like christ, more like who we were created to be before we fell, then we are not called to be tame. I have grown up in the bible belt, in the white bible belt, we have the theology, but nothing to live. I love theology, but i hate it when theology is for theologies sake. we aren't called to just think, over thinking doesn't move a person to action, i would argue more often than not, a person is moved to do less by over thinking.

we have everything already in christ in heaven. there is nothing tieing us down. so, go be wild in a way that glorifies christ. Go enjoy good things, go do what you love, go be an untame person. God is, so we should as well. We're called to life, not to death. We were taken out of death and moved to life. Live like you have been given life.