so, i never had a family. the closest remnant to family i have ever had has been my siblings. it is still a recent thing that we are a family. It ate me alive that i have no parents, no home, just places to live. I am not a person that crys much or often, i have never cried this hard. i was outside and cried until my hands and face was so wet i couldn't wipe away tears and i took off my shirt and had to use it. i realized that the intense lonleyness i have been struggling with was once again, me trying to find love where there isn't lasting love. My whole life, all my struggles, mistakes, all, has been because i am searching for love. that is what i am doing and have been doing my whole life. searching for love, reassurance of love, wanting and craving with everything to KNOW that i am loved. I realized i had no real family system and as everyone returns for a break to their homes to people they love, i realized, i don't have that. I broke, i couldn't take it. i went to sleep in a pile of damp sheets and pillows and woke a few hours later for class in the exact same state of brokenness. throughout classes, in between, and after i was crying for a solid day. i couldn't take it. i called a guy, he listened, then simply responded, " you don't have a home, you don't have parents, but you have a family. we're brothers."

i have a bigger family than most anyone else. It is alive, growing, and moving constantly. The blood of christ is thicker than the blood of relatives and makes me closer than i am to my family. the reason why my siblings and i are family now is because we all have christ. that is why we are family. My family is constantly growing and is an all inclusive family. There is a lot of life in jesus, there is a lot of joy. I have a family. I really was a wander, i was not grounded with anyone or anything, i have never formed attachments, i have never been open or vulnerable, i have never been real, i have never been able to experience love or love anyone, these are things now that are in my life and living in the midst of my life. that is why i say there is a lot of life in jesus, since i finally found life.