so, i have an idea. i hate ice cream now.

you know how people say, " you have to find yourself before you can be in a relationship!" i think there is truth in that, but it is slightly misplaced. ask yourself though, if you are unsure of who you are, how do you fight? what is a violation of who you are and what you hold to?

the answer is you cannot fight.

realizing that you are pretty much completely unable to be in a relationship until you find out who christ is in a fullness i have never had until last few weeks. how can you fight and stand up for something until you are so deeply committed to jesus that any consequence is not big enough for you to violate your consequence and not consequence is strong enough to make you not pursue Him in everything? until you become grounded in something i don't think that you can actually stand up for anything, especially in relationships. without being so firmly grounded everything is subject to rationalization and everything is subject to erosion.

pretty much for me, i have never been a person who confronted people, stood up for anything i believed, and never brought up touchy subjects. in essence, i have always been a coward who put on the facade of strength by being numb and also just being a clever asshole who was manipulative and avoided everything at all cost. This goes deeper than just being a coward though. i was incapable of love, since i haven't been grounded thoroughly before. If you can't fight, you can't love. since love is not being nice, love is messy. Love is loving in everything. everything my friends. it isn't being nice, it is loving someone when you hate them and dealing with them and your hate. It is an eternal perspective in who christ is and his power. I honestly don't think i would have ever understood love without christ in any manner. Since, unless you have an eternal perspective of things, the little things really do matter, since they are our everything without christ and focusing on him.