so, hope and trust are connected intimately. I wasn't sure what actually changed in me, i know something drastically did. I found a lot tonight on a long walk with my pipe and praying. I trust now. I fully trust in jesus's righteousness as my own. that is why i can hope and have joy now. now, to explain:

you cannot hope in something unless you have a complete faith and trust in something. since you're believing that what you are trusting in is bigger and greater than what is causing you to have to trust and to want to hope in something. until i had complete trust in jesus's righteousness, i always doubted, strove, and fought for peoples opinions. i never rested in that my reputation was already spoken for, i never rested in someone else bearing my shame and making a perfect reputation in heaven for me. In the bigger sense, i was never able to have hope and from hope, joy, because i never fully trusted in jesus's righteousness. I knew jesus, but complete trust and completely letting go of myself hadn't come yet.

In the psalms, david writes about God's faithfulness, then talks about how God is his rock and how he hopes in God's salvation. Hoping in despair, that is trusting and giving up our plans, that is trusting that God had a more beautiful and fulfilling plan than what we have. I am not saying this as a person who has it all together, not even that i have a good trust and can hope when i am suffering. i loose sight of this way too easily. the moment pain hits, i struggle to remember to pray, i struggle to want to get out of pain. I am learning and slowly starting to walk in trust. i have never trusted before, but i know this is right. I have joy for the first time in my life because i have been trusting. i can smile now, i laugh, i enjoy. all these things hurt and make me vulnerable, but i am alive. we have life in jesus and he has given me a lot of life. so, well, shit this is awesome.