i think i found myself.

i think i lost myself.

i think they are the same.

i work full time now, i am a full time student, i volunteer and mentor every week now. i am resting, i finally found rest. real, rest. not just power naps and long nights sleep. amidst supporting my little sister, taking care of a brother, getting him to detox, paying bills, studying, volunteering. I find rest in everything. i still love a good nights sleep, though.

We often times talk about how, " i have to pursue god first!!!!!!!!! then everything else." i would say that is close, but a dangerous falsehood. i wondered what that meant, but for some reason our very vocabulary has a separation of jesus and everything else. pursuing jesus first does not mean having constant biblestudies. i think i started to change when i realized, you pursue christ IN everything. you pursue christ in everything you do. through christ you can pursue anything. if you aren't pursuing christ in everything, tell me where your line is where you aren't pursing christ, but are pursuing something else for a moment, then will pursue christ when you're done. it doesn't work.

the question i have is where is jesus in your classes, work, social life? How are you pursuing christ in your day to day interactions? how you spend your money? how you spend your time? how you talk? even what you eat... everything is turned over and thrown out the window.

what has jesus thrown out the window for you lately?

what drives a conversation? i love jesus and have for a few years now. for a long time i wondered why jesus never came up naturally in conversations, rather it always seemed to be the things i hate that came up, such as getting shit faced, drugs, and sex. why though? i know that for some reason jesus comes up in conversations now for the first time in a long time with non-christians, but what changed? i became more of a hardass. that is what jesus does to you. He makes you much more of a hardass that is filled with love. to explain that statement, i do not care what another person things about me having a relationship with jesus and wanting to glorify Him, but i was softened in that i love people instead of writing them off if they didn't fit into my category.

People want to be approved of, we desire attention and approval above all. if you are capable of lovingly without being scared or angry tell someone that you don't do what they do, that you live differently, i really have no found someone who has mocked me when i say it lovely and firmly. i am sure there are a few, but in a larger sense, we ask why are this or that, sex or drugs, becoming prominent?

Psalm 12:8
" the wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men." we honor what is against christ and people will proudly display dishonorable behavior because it gets them attention. It is honored, it is praised, it makes us gain approval. that is why people pursue things that are dishonoring. this is the same reason why we try to surround ourselves with a community of christian. to reinforce behavior that is christ like and to hold us accountable to the standards of christ so we may grow. If a community is built on standards that are not christ like, those behaviors are going to be perpetuated. so, as a christian, what do you do?

ask yourself, who is in your community that isn't a christian? how are you displaying and showing the benefits and acceptance in gods own eyes for having a relationship on jesus and laying everything you could not do on the one who could? how does your community display an absolute broken plea for someone who can live what you can't? how does your life and conversations show that you are resting in a person who did everything we cannot?

how do you live your dependence?

there are some days life seems unbearable. today is one of those days. no particular thing happened today, but the overall last week came collapsing on a friday. the end of a week appropriately. the temptation, and my prayer that i don't give in is this: reminiscing on the past. not just things, but emotions, coping mechanisms, people, places, everything.

i am a baby when it comes to emotion, since i am just now experiencing them for the first time. the think about emotions, especially for a person experiencing them for the first time, they are overwhelming. pain is so much greater, but the experiencing of life in general is so much more amazing too. Today was the first overwhelming day and before i would just numb myself. i can at will decide to not feel. just caput, done, that is it. i have been praying and screaming to god to take away numbness, since i started to experience what joy in the spirit really is. the trouble is that now that pain is here, i am actively fighting the part of me that knows numbing myself takes it all away. just a little bit of this and that, and no more do i feel. this pain can leave right now. it is more tempting than any drug i have been on and i have been on a few.

The whole life of christ is so emotional, it is an incredible thing. A story of wrath, love, justice, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and all of these are done with passion. it is a story that is filled to the brim with emotion. i am just now experiencing what forgiveness and love are. I know the depth of the gospel in a new way because Jesus has brought feeling to my cold heart. I am finally able to experiencing what happiness is. for the first time i am not overwhelmed by depression, for the first time i am able to love my friends and family. love for the first time is an increbable thing. i just wish i could have discovered it before i did so i could show it to more people than i have.

Also, i am finding out that leadership is vulnerability. leadership is constantly being vulnerable. it is, it just is. Vulnerability in sharing you life, your emotion, time, money. building relationships with people so you can know their needs and desires and being open and transparent with your life so they may see though you and see christ in you. for the first time last week i made myself vulnerable. not in the physical sense, but completely opened myself up emotionally to try and show someone christ, since they needed it. Chrsitanity is an honest way of life. not just because we're told not to lie, but in the sense that we have a sovereign God who is above everything. If he is in and controls everything, then everything has meaning. everything in our story is designed to point us back to him. in joy, death, life, depression, suicide, sex, money, loss, fights, marraiges, they all point to him. how will other people see christ unless we show the way our stories point to him? you can't. vulnerability points to christ.

i am growing so much in these things, but oh, it is so hard to continue to grow in emotion when i am fighting the part of me that is the survival side that knows how to get by and go with less suffering. christ brings new highs and new lows, since i am much more sensitive to the world. i don't have anything on my own anymore. father, i rest my plea in you, since i have nothing. i don't. everything i have is yours. please just take it.

So, why do we constantly ask, " what on earth is god doing?" seems like a pretty logical question. the problem is that god works in an absurd way. Saves the world by being born in a barn, becoming a carpenter, and dieing a criminals death. pretty absurd. Throughout the bible god worked in ways that seem absolutely crazy. why should i expect anything different in my life and how he works with me?

So, used to when people won wars, they thought it meant that it was whose god was stronger conquered the people. With that said, God was not concerned about his reputation over the growth of His people. Jeremiah 33:24 " have you noticed that these people are saying, " The lord has rejected the two kingdoms he chose?" People God allowing the conquring of israel and Judah as God's rejection of them and his weakness over other Gods. God didn't consider that something to be worried about though, since the development of the hearts of his love was more important.

god didn't just forgive us, rather he took our shame and put it on his own shoulders so we do not have to live in shame any longer. from the begining to now, God is willing to bear shame. Why do we live in shame and live quiet complacent lives?

the one who was born low
became a carpenter unlike others.
he was exalted, but carried unheard woe
and through this gave us brothers

he worked for one
and served all
his faults were none
but he answered my judgment call

this carpenter was clever
but never duplicit
with his patience
he watched the snake as it bit
and the consequences came in
that seemed to last forever

the greatest thing the carpender built was this
a plan
he made the scales tilt
from deserving death to life

and the one who constructed this great salvation
was abducted by the ones he saved

and through our sin
he created salvation
by killing what we could not win
he saved all creation

we have a personal God. from the beginning to the end, the bible talks about a God pursuing you, pursuing me. God is all knowing, why did he call after adam and eve asking where were they in the garden? it isn't just some random tale, it was to show pursuit. God was looking for them, God desired to find them. God is extremely personal, yet i find that we have separated God and personal. Even in some of the most christian circles, we make God an impersonal thing. How often do we cry to friends? how often do we tear our hearts open to god? emotion is difficult for me, i have no idea what emotion really is, since growing up i got by by making myself completely numb. that is how i coped with abuse. The trouble with being in a constantly numb state is that nothing is really real. nothing registers, everything passes you by and there is no consequence. in relationships, the moments that should make you absolutely rejoice, you treat them the same as when your brother shoots himself. you don't.

we can only convey what we have experienced. I have never experienced unconditional love. it is hard for me to show unconditional love if not impossible. With numbness, for some reason, we cannot choose what to numb, we have to numb everything. My relationships are very two dimensional right now because i have very little attachment to anyone or anything. I trust people with things, but rarely with myself. when i do trust someone with myself, i numb myself to the area i gave them. the result is people think i am personal, when in reality, i am still numb.

have you experienced joy or intense happiness? by joy, i mean something more than being caught up in a moment of just fun. a lasting overpowering happiness? I just experienced joy for the first time. I have not slept for more than several hours a night for weeks. i have been torn up and spent the nights crying out before God asking what else i had to give. i had nothing else to give. i have nothing else to give. weeks went by without seeing an answer. i found one last night. i started to see where my heart was broken and needed healing. Jesus does bring healing, since just from a statistical stand point i am not supposed to be able to function like i am. after seeing the areas i had issues in, seeing what i needed to work on, and i prayed for healing, i experienced joy for the first time. i have never felt emotion strongly, but this, it was over powering. I went around campus, talked to everyone i could find, talked to people before that intimidated me, i have always been scared of people and covered it up by hiding and trying to be intimidating, but i am no longer scared of people. HA! it is amazing.

the depression i have struggled with for my whole life, it isn't just in remission, it is gone. for the first time in my memory i am not depressed. it is not a struggle to get out of bed, to function, to live. I thought wanting to die was normal! ha!

God is faithful and hears your prayers. scream out and open up before him, since he is able. he just rewired how i am built and how i think. why can't he do the same for you?

after a solid day with no relief from depression,not for a minute, after months of struggling, you wonder. oh, how much i wonder. what do i have left to give father. i don't know. at this point i don't. i sincerely do not know what i haven't lifted up to you.

I have struggled with depression since i was a kid. I am starting to credit it almost as a blessing. recently, struggling with lonleyness and depression has been a source of agony that has pushed me to constant prayer. the relationship with jesus that has been busting forth is absolutely astounding. This depression is driving me away from my constant longing to be independent and forcing me to become completely depended on my father, like a child. i am starting to love this i am not in control thing.

The temptation i have with depression is to let it continue. I will struggle to try and be motivated enough to pull myself out of depression and i want to allow myself to wallow in it. I think that is more selfpity and pride making me want to wallow in depression rather than pull myself out.

The only time i haven't been in depression or anxiety is when i am in prayer. it is interesting, since i have been in a state of near constant prayer recently. What is strange about it is how life has changed since i have been praying so much. my mindset is very different and also the way things around me play out is very different as well. The interactions i have had after prayer and the conversations that have opened up have been inline with the prayers i have had. ha. it is as if the sustainer of the world is listening.

Jesus loves me. when i focus on the love of jesus and try to find jesus in life, the depression leaves. as soon as i am focusing and worrying on the things around me again, depression returns. in one way, i hate this, since i am depressed a lot, but in other ways, i have never experienced this close of a relationship with Jesus and i am absolutely crazy about the euphoric love he shows to me. God is close to the broken. i am finding this to be very true and that is a beautiful thing.

To clarify, the reason why i view my being able to wallow in depression more as pride is because i have a way that i know brings healing and i am allowing myself to sit in this office chair and avoid pursuing healing. I want to try and fix or heal my struggles myself and put myself in a higher position than is my own. My place is not the place of God, rather my place is to come before the creator and sustainer with my mess. God requires nothing of me. He gave me the perfect gift of grace that makes me capable of falling before Him and finding my comfort in Him. Nothing is required. I do not earn it. I come before God messy and broken and he loves me and heals me.

in case you were wondering, laundry detergent burns when put into an open wound

i have been reading the book, " the praying life." great book. here are some thoughts directly from the book:

"anxiety separates us and i think anxiety is a god like substance that lacks God like power, wisdom, or knowledge. A godlike substance without godlike abilities is pure tension. Anxiety is self on its own and it tries to get control and makes you unable to relax in the face of chaos. once one problem is solved, another one arises.

it took god to show us not to be godlike. Jesus instead of seeking Independence sought dependence on God. He humbled himself to the cross and broght anxiety on himself so we could be free of it. no longer do we have to be little gods seeking to control everything, instead we cling to our father in the face of chaos by continuously praying. Because we don't have to be in control, we cry out for grace.

psalm 131
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

we become anxious when we take a godlike stance, occupying ourselves with things too great for ourselves. we return to sanity by becoming like little children , resting in our mothers.

habakkuk 1:15-17

15 The wicked foe pulls all of them up with hooks,
he catches them in his net,
he gathers them up in his dragnet;
and so he rejoices and is glad.

16 Therefore he sacrifices to his net
and burns incense to his dragnet,
for by his net he lives in luxury
and enjoys the choicest food.

17 Is he to keep on emptying his net,
destroying nations without mercy?

so, habakukk was saying that the babyalonians worshiped what brought them profit. kind of interesting to see, since when you think of it, we all do the EXACT same thing. When you think of it, what devours our attention? for me, the struggle of not letting my mind be devoured by the oh so uncertain financial situations i am in now, the uncertain relationships i am in, the moving of siblings, the death of friends, all these things. they don't just prick my attention, but combined, they devour my mind. Then came the realization that that is most of what worship is, in the biblical sense.

The reason why i think having your mind devoured is a lot of what worshiping is, is this: Christianity is a relationship with jesus, not a practice, it is living. the acts of service that we try and force ourselves to do,sicne we feel commanded to do them, why is it that i get feelings of guilt when i do not do these acts of service? I mean, jesus bears my guilt and my shame. so, why do i have guilt attacking me? simple, i am putting it on myself and am thinking that i owe God something, when in reality, i owe God nothing. A free gift of grace was given to me that i not only cannot pay back, but have no obligation to pay it back. The act of love makes me desire to give myself to God in everything, but i have no obligation to. This gift does not bind me to anything.

The center of the christanity is relationship. What is the primary thing that we use to build relationships? communication. with that said, that makes prayer and the bible the center of the christian life. Prayer is how we communicate with God and the bible is one of many ways he communicates with us. With that said, what is it like when you start talking to someone, spending time with them, and actually start to get to know them? isn't like an incredibly emotional high that just carries you? there is so much happening, you are getting to know them in so many ways that you just never saw possible before when you were just looking at them. That is what prayer has done. realizing that the way i used to formally and systematically pray, if i talked to my girlfriend that way, she would think i was crazy and stupid. Why do we surpress the things that worry us most and try to get the things that we think are good out in prayer first, this or that, God says he wants to meet the desires of our heart. David pranced around naked to praise God and God saw it fit to slam that into the bible. so, obviously there is something to be said for spontaneity in worship, let alone in conversation.

Relationships affect every area of our life and lifestyle. There is nothing that is left untouched in a healthy relationship, marriage consumes you. Marriage is supposed to be a thing that is an analogy of Christ's relationship for the church, that's you and me buddy. Christ is absolutely devoted and occupied with us, hell, that is why the bible was written, for a relationship with us. The bible is pretty consuming. All this said, relationship is the basis of Christnaity, to worship God is to have a relationship with him and to grow in him through that relationship. In my opinion, to worship God is the be consumed by him. We worship was we see the most profit in, jobs, money, sex, ect. What is all of our profit is coming from christ? kind of makes us worship him by default, doesn't it?

so, desperation blinds us. a girl desperate for guy attention throws herself on guys not seeing who he actually is and what he is after. Guys desperate for girl attention do the same. this isn't just a flaw in relationships, it is a flaw in everything we pursue. money, fame, careers, sex, even family, religion, everything. This is why christianity is so unique and so, oh so strange. come up with an example other than jesus that doesn't blind us when we are obbsessed with it? i can't think of any and believe me i have tried.

When you are constantly pursue Jesus and growing in him, my obsession with Him has not blinded me, rather it has opened my eyes. Not just opened them to my own self, rather how i see everyone has changed and i am more capable to love them. The obsession with Jesus does not make me exclusive, like other obsessions and relationships. An obsession with Jesus opens you up to everyone. This is why the obbsession is so strange. Usually if you are obsessed, you have less time for other things, rather, i find that as i grow more in Jesus, i have more time and emotions for others. It creates more in me.

Growing in Jesus is to become united with the one who created everything. The only way to have any originality or original thought is to be united with the one who can create. Sin can only distort and misuse what He already created. Jesus is strange. the more i grow in him, the more confused and in love i become with him.