The temptation i have with depression is to let it continue. I will struggle to try and be motivated enough to pull myself out of depression and i want to allow myself to wallow in it. I think that is more selfpity and pride making me want to wallow in depression rather than pull myself out.

The only time i haven't been in depression or anxiety is when i am in prayer. it is interesting, since i have been in a state of near constant prayer recently. What is strange about it is how life has changed since i have been praying so much. my mindset is very different and also the way things around me play out is very different as well. The interactions i have had after prayer and the conversations that have opened up have been inline with the prayers i have had. ha. it is as if the sustainer of the world is listening.

Jesus loves me. when i focus on the love of jesus and try to find jesus in life, the depression leaves. as soon as i am focusing and worrying on the things around me again, depression returns. in one way, i hate this, since i am depressed a lot, but in other ways, i have never experienced this close of a relationship with Jesus and i am absolutely crazy about the euphoric love he shows to me. God is close to the broken. i am finding this to be very true and that is a beautiful thing.

To clarify, the reason why i view my being able to wallow in depression more as pride is because i have a way that i know brings healing and i am allowing myself to sit in this office chair and avoid pursuing healing. I want to try and fix or heal my struggles myself and put myself in a higher position than is my own. My place is not the place of God, rather my place is to come before the creator and sustainer with my mess. God requires nothing of me. He gave me the perfect gift of grace that makes me capable of falling before Him and finding my comfort in Him. Nothing is required. I do not earn it. I come before God messy and broken and he loves me and heals me.