there are some days life seems unbearable. today is one of those days. no particular thing happened today, but the overall last week came collapsing on a friday. the end of a week appropriately. the temptation, and my prayer that i don't give in is this: reminiscing on the past. not just things, but emotions, coping mechanisms, people, places, everything.

i am a baby when it comes to emotion, since i am just now experiencing them for the first time. the think about emotions, especially for a person experiencing them for the first time, they are overwhelming. pain is so much greater, but the experiencing of life in general is so much more amazing too. Today was the first overwhelming day and before i would just numb myself. i can at will decide to not feel. just caput, done, that is it. i have been praying and screaming to god to take away numbness, since i started to experience what joy in the spirit really is. the trouble is that now that pain is here, i am actively fighting the part of me that knows numbing myself takes it all away. just a little bit of this and that, and no more do i feel. this pain can leave right now. it is more tempting than any drug i have been on and i have been on a few.

The whole life of christ is so emotional, it is an incredible thing. A story of wrath, love, justice, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and all of these are done with passion. it is a story that is filled to the brim with emotion. i am just now experiencing what forgiveness and love are. I know the depth of the gospel in a new way because Jesus has brought feeling to my cold heart. I am finally able to experiencing what happiness is. for the first time i am not overwhelmed by depression, for the first time i am able to love my friends and family. love for the first time is an increbable thing. i just wish i could have discovered it before i did so i could show it to more people than i have.

Also, i am finding out that leadership is vulnerability. leadership is constantly being vulnerable. it is, it just is. Vulnerability in sharing you life, your emotion, time, money. building relationships with people so you can know their needs and desires and being open and transparent with your life so they may see though you and see christ in you. for the first time last week i made myself vulnerable. not in the physical sense, but completely opened myself up emotionally to try and show someone christ, since they needed it. Chrsitanity is an honest way of life. not just because we're told not to lie, but in the sense that we have a sovereign God who is above everything. If he is in and controls everything, then everything has meaning. everything in our story is designed to point us back to him. in joy, death, life, depression, suicide, sex, money, loss, fights, marraiges, they all point to him. how will other people see christ unless we show the way our stories point to him? you can't. vulnerability points to christ.

i am growing so much in these things, but oh, it is so hard to continue to grow in emotion when i am fighting the part of me that is the survival side that knows how to get by and go with less suffering. christ brings new highs and new lows, since i am much more sensitive to the world. i don't have anything on my own anymore. father, i rest my plea in you, since i have nothing. i don't. everything i have is yours. please just take it.