we have a personal God. from the beginning to the end, the bible talks about a God pursuing you, pursuing me. God is all knowing, why did he call after adam and eve asking where were they in the garden? it isn't just some random tale, it was to show pursuit. God was looking for them, God desired to find them. God is extremely personal, yet i find that we have separated God and personal. Even in some of the most christian circles, we make God an impersonal thing. How often do we cry to friends? how often do we tear our hearts open to god? emotion is difficult for me, i have no idea what emotion really is, since growing up i got by by making myself completely numb. that is how i coped with abuse. The trouble with being in a constantly numb state is that nothing is really real. nothing registers, everything passes you by and there is no consequence. in relationships, the moments that should make you absolutely rejoice, you treat them the same as when your brother shoots himself. you don't.

we can only convey what we have experienced. I have never experienced unconditional love. it is hard for me to show unconditional love if not impossible. With numbness, for some reason, we cannot choose what to numb, we have to numb everything. My relationships are very two dimensional right now because i have very little attachment to anyone or anything. I trust people with things, but rarely with myself. when i do trust someone with myself, i numb myself to the area i gave them. the result is people think i am personal, when in reality, i am still numb.

have you experienced joy or intense happiness? by joy, i mean something more than being caught up in a moment of just fun. a lasting overpowering happiness? I just experienced joy for the first time. I have not slept for more than several hours a night for weeks. i have been torn up and spent the nights crying out before God asking what else i had to give. i had nothing else to give. i have nothing else to give. weeks went by without seeing an answer. i found one last night. i started to see where my heart was broken and needed healing. Jesus does bring healing, since just from a statistical stand point i am not supposed to be able to function like i am. after seeing the areas i had issues in, seeing what i needed to work on, and i prayed for healing, i experienced joy for the first time. i have never felt emotion strongly, but this, it was over powering. I went around campus, talked to everyone i could find, talked to people before that intimidated me, i have always been scared of people and covered it up by hiding and trying to be intimidating, but i am no longer scared of people. HA! it is amazing.

the depression i have struggled with for my whole life, it isn't just in remission, it is gone. for the first time in my memory i am not depressed. it is not a struggle to get out of bed, to function, to live. I thought wanting to die was normal! ha!

God is faithful and hears your prayers. scream out and open up before him, since he is able. he just rewired how i am built and how i think. why can't he do the same for you?