" because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God already forsake us."- george mcdonald.

my heart was cold and distant
i never felt or gave
but christ's love persisted
and my false strength left and i was saved

i saw the cross and found my trust
in a single moment i burst
i looked at my heard and saw rust
and my hands too were cursed

a breath came in like death
i breathed for the first time
and actually laid down to rest
finally, i found peace from my crimes

my heart started from the cross
beating, feeling, like i was a little boy
because of one mans great loss
i can experience joy

If ever a plea for the broken was made
i heard it in the night
A cry for you
A cry so you may be whole one day

Live as two, three, and four
never a sound thought or a nights rest
my body was in a constant war
and a few hours peace a night was my best

Never living or dieing
But slowly walking away from life
I swore i lived and loved, but i was lying
I lived in death, since i never knew christ

I never experienced love or family
and never was cherished by someone
every place i found closeness made me flee
i ran
i ran from the man who died
and fought my battle until it was won

i was pursued a man, a carpenter by trade
he is the man who constructed a great salvation
and made the greatest love story ever written
and all he asked was a conversation

My heart has been pursued my whole life
our lives are a love story
of a God pursuing with a passion for a man to his wife
now i can rest in love to never worry

i no longer run from closeness
since i am bound with love that binds
i have everything, but cannot boast
i am passionate to chose this love to all man kind
and show the fulfillment of the love story.

so, i never had a family. the closest remnant to family i have ever had has been my siblings. it is still a recent thing that we are a family. It ate me alive that i have no parents, no home, just places to live. I am not a person that crys much or often, i have never cried this hard. i was outside and cried until my hands and face was so wet i couldn't wipe away tears and i took off my shirt and had to use it. i realized that the intense lonleyness i have been struggling with was once again, me trying to find love where there isn't lasting love. My whole life, all my struggles, mistakes, all, has been because i am searching for love. that is what i am doing and have been doing my whole life. searching for love, reassurance of love, wanting and craving with everything to KNOW that i am loved. I realized i had no real family system and as everyone returns for a break to their homes to people they love, i realized, i don't have that. I broke, i couldn't take it. i went to sleep in a pile of damp sheets and pillows and woke a few hours later for class in the exact same state of brokenness. throughout classes, in between, and after i was crying for a solid day. i couldn't take it. i called a guy, he listened, then simply responded, " you don't have a home, you don't have parents, but you have a family. we're brothers."

i have a bigger family than most anyone else. It is alive, growing, and moving constantly. The blood of christ is thicker than the blood of relatives and makes me closer than i am to my family. the reason why my siblings and i are family now is because we all have christ. that is why we are family. My family is constantly growing and is an all inclusive family. There is a lot of life in jesus, there is a lot of joy. I have a family. I really was a wander, i was not grounded with anyone or anything, i have never formed attachments, i have never been open or vulnerable, i have never been real, i have never been able to experience love or love anyone, these are things now that are in my life and living in the midst of my life. that is why i say there is a lot of life in jesus, since i finally found life.

some days things just seem unbearable. i don't know why, but tonight not having a home, not having a family place, not having a place to go. it just kills.

so, hope and trust are connected intimately. I wasn't sure what actually changed in me, i know something drastically did. I found a lot tonight on a long walk with my pipe and praying. I trust now. I fully trust in jesus's righteousness as my own. that is why i can hope and have joy now. now, to explain:

you cannot hope in something unless you have a complete faith and trust in something. since you're believing that what you are trusting in is bigger and greater than what is causing you to have to trust and to want to hope in something. until i had complete trust in jesus's righteousness, i always doubted, strove, and fought for peoples opinions. i never rested in that my reputation was already spoken for, i never rested in someone else bearing my shame and making a perfect reputation in heaven for me. In the bigger sense, i was never able to have hope and from hope, joy, because i never fully trusted in jesus's righteousness. I knew jesus, but complete trust and completely letting go of myself hadn't come yet.

In the psalms, david writes about God's faithfulness, then talks about how God is his rock and how he hopes in God's salvation. Hoping in despair, that is trusting and giving up our plans, that is trusting that God had a more beautiful and fulfilling plan than what we have. I am not saying this as a person who has it all together, not even that i have a good trust and can hope when i am suffering. i loose sight of this way too easily. the moment pain hits, i struggle to remember to pray, i struggle to want to get out of pain. I am learning and slowly starting to walk in trust. i have never trusted before, but i know this is right. I have joy for the first time in my life because i have been trusting. i can smile now, i laugh, i enjoy. all these things hurt and make me vulnerable, but i am alive. we have life in jesus and he has given me a lot of life. so, well, shit this is awesome.

So, i've been reading through the old testament prophets. God talks alot, i mean, it is his book. so, i should have figured as much, but it threw me off when i realized, this is God speaking. He is wild. He isn't tame. He does everything possible to bring his bride to love him. He isn't tame, but he is loving.

If we are called to become more like christ, more like who we were created to be before we fell, then we are not called to be tame. I have grown up in the bible belt, in the white bible belt, we have the theology, but nothing to live. I love theology, but i hate it when theology is for theologies sake. we aren't called to just think, over thinking doesn't move a person to action, i would argue more often than not, a person is moved to do less by over thinking.

we have everything already in christ in heaven. there is nothing tieing us down. so, go be wild in a way that glorifies christ. Go enjoy good things, go do what you love, go be an untame person. God is, so we should as well. We're called to life, not to death. We were taken out of death and moved to life. Live like you have been given life.

something i have been praying about for awhile now has been to know God as my father. Speaking to all the fatherless out there, it is hard to see God as your father when your father only abused you. in the few fatherly moments you had, if any, you're more confused and wondering when he will scream or damn you. Conveniently enough, my pastor has been working on a series in galatians, which talks a helluva lot about the work of christ and how we are changed in our relationship to God.

Galatians 4

1What I am saying is that as long as the heir is a child, he is no different from a slave, although he owns the whole estate. 2He is subject to guardians and trustees until the time set by his father. 3So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. 4But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, 5to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. 6Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

Do you not see it? Jesus did not come to make you a slave to another master, but to make you a son of God. Jesus came to give fathers to all the fatherless. i can finally claim a father, i can finally think of a father and not have intense darkness come over my mind, i can finally scream out daddy in looking for comfort, i can finally claim a family. the broken one i have, while i love, we were never united until we became siblings in the blood of christ. I am fatherless, i was without family, i was alone. Jesus did not just give me a relationship with my father, but gave my a flood of community around me. I can tell a brother next to me, that i may not even really know, that i love him and cherish him. In all honesty, i do love him. that is the strangest thing that has been happening. i have been given an inexplicable love for my brothers and a strong love for the people who are not covered in the blood of jesus.

you and me, we're sons of God. so, lets go live like a son of God.

we have the don't. don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, no sex before marriage. i hear this alot when i ask people about what christianity means to them. At this point i am just asking, is christianity something that removes you from society because you have a list of do nots? there are a lot of things as christians, we don't do or we do in a proper context. i think these are things that create a great culture, but there is a fundamental flaw that makes christianity dead with the thought process of do notting. We do nothing. that is what kills us. i mean, really, look around at all of us, including myself. i work, i go to school, i hang out, i work out. in the midst of this, where am i living in some radical way that displays the life jesus has given me? the reason why i think there is a lot of things that we should be doing is this:

sin cannot create; it only distorts. With that, by not doing what the world does, there should be a lot of things in our lives that the world doesn't do that we do. Since, we're taking away what the world does from our lives and putting nothing really in its place other than milder versions of what the world was already doing. There is a hole, a gap, something missing.

There is a lot of life in jesus. there is a lot of joy in jesus. i think we're called to use this to fill those gaps. so, for you, what is filling the gaps?

so, the worst is distorted. we can all agree on that. There is sin in the world and sin cannot create, it can only distort. Also, we were created in a world that was designed for us. Things we look to and see good things in and that we are attracted to, such as a guy willing to take huge risks for stupid reasons, we aren't sure why we admire his stupidity, but we simply do. there is a reason and i think this is something we have missed in Christianity, especially in the south, risk.

I think the heart of the issue is this: we see risk, a worldly risk, a there is something to admire in it. I mean, honestly, God is a risk taker and is a wild person. A good person, but wild and risky. When you think of it, we find the ways a person is risky, and eliminate them. is the christian guy, the ideal christian guy, calm and impassioned? That isn't the gospel. Joy, hate, love, risk. they're all in there. They're more manifested in these traits than any amount of theology for theologies sake is. The thing i think we forget is that just because someone is risky doesn't mean they're unbiblical. i just think they're risk is placed in the wrong things. The worlds risk is selfish risk. Sex, drugs, fights, these are selfish risks. the selfless risk takers we see are almost idolized in societies eyes. we crave that type of risk taker. Think of it, most of our holidays, national heroes, people in the media today, they're idolized either because they're hot or they did something that we think is amazing. if it isn't sports, it is they served someone. for some reason that irks us or makes us go oogly eyes. The reason why is because we are wired for that type of selfless risk. we are designed to look at that and crave a hero. we're always looking to someone. so, my question is, why is christian culture breeding people who love to sit? i am as guilty as anyone for just sitting and being content with sitting. So, lets change that.

so, there are a couple of things i have realized. you know how in at summer camps we usually feel pretty good about ourselves. we're ministering! woot! that's great and all, but it struck me, romans 12:1 calls us to be a living sacrifice. that means, our lives are sacrifices. everything. It isn't that we're doing some great deed at summer camp, that is the norm. I do realize that ministry takes on many forms and pursuing things that i honestly believe are glorifying to god, like education, work, ect, make ministry take on many many different forms and all, but i realized something. the early church was considered so radical and different because of the massive community it made. seriously, when you start to read the reasons for the explosion of chrisianity the main reasons are the radical community it bred that was so, well, confusing. Realizing that there are ways i could raise money, i had a grant offered to me if i would take the initiative to start a house that would do what i am planning to do.

my brother and i since we were kids have been frustrated with the lack of hospitality in the church. i mean, in the past week i have had several friends from highschool, who are in the visible and invisible church, that need a few months help to get their life in order and get established in a new city. the church hasn't done anything. i want that to change, so, i have to change it in myself first before i can say anything. So, my brother and i are buying a house soon with the specific intentions of making it a place where guys who need a few months help, getting a job, rent, place to live, a community can come. Do realize, we're choosing not to label this as a " ministry" or as a " community service" even though we could get money and financial help for doing that. The reason why is this: we're not doing anything out of the ordinary. that type of hospitality is expected that type of hospitality is supposed to be normal. we see it as praise worthy and exceptional. that is what is sad. This is supposed to be the norm in a church.

Also, we wonder why people don't see jesus in our lives sometimes. i know i do. In the song of solmons, the last chapter, he talks about how if you want to find him, he'll be in his fields reaping his fruit. Why do you think spiritually you feel so close to jesus when you're serving at a summer camp? it isn't just the community, it is because you are serving. This changes neighborhoods, this changes people and communities. It is the clearest representation of jesus and Jesus is present in the midst of it all. This semester i am attending all the same services, worships, and volunteering the same as i did before. That didn't change my relationship with jesus. daily service for the sake of jesus changed me.

Please don't confuse what i am saying by making you go take on something that burdens you for the sake of service. God doesn't require anything at all from you. nothing, nada, crap. His grace and relationship was and is a free gift with nothing expected, at all, in return. that is what motivates me to serve him though, the nothing i am required to do. since i mean, christ didn't just put me at neutral, he put me at perfect and gave me a spot on his throne as the brother of jesus and the son of God. For me, service is just showing people that gift. before you serve, don't do what i did for so long. Serving doesn't help your righteousness. with or without your works, you're just as screwed or blessed either way. Your works don't define you or give you any source of identity, your faith in jesus gives you an identity and hopefully works flow from that. if you're just serving trying to fix things, you'll break. i broke. don't do it.

so, as i am reading my history book on the enlightened thought, how science and the concept that everything is made of the same material so everyone is equal abolished slavery and continues to drive our society to equality, it struck me, no. I know i live there is a massive divide between the middle class and the lower class. it is still apparent by dress and by your attitude where you come from socioeconomically. There is a massive divide. Churches in general have started to do inner city missions fairly consistently, but if feels more like poking the inner city with a stick and not really embracing them. there is an issue, since god created all of us in love before the foundations of the world were even starting to be put in motion, we should have nothing but heart wrenching love for these people struggling and suffering. Something a guy i was talking to as i said i was getting frustrated with a few things, he quietly replied, " so, i think before i should say anything, i should examine my own heart and actions. once my life is patterned against the issues i see, then i will talk more about it."

realizing that we're supposed to change our own heart and actions before we criticize anything like this, i realize i have the ability to go and be very bold in the welfare neighborhoods. so, my brother and i are applying for welfare housing and are praying to move into the getto in the next year or so. I love that the church is starting to move towards the getto and innercity, but there is so much more. the gospel needs to be lived and breathed among the neighborhoods, not just preached. I have nothing to loose and everything to give. i want people to find the absolute joy i have in life now. I want more ministry and love given to people who are lower in the socioeconomic ladder of life, i want us to be a body of believers that displays deep sacrificial love to people who don't know jesus like you and i do. if i want the church to move more towards a servants heart, then i must first change my life to be one of showing the love of christ.

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming the curse for us...
gal 3:13

if there ever was a passage in the bible that should make you cry, this is it.

Being not numb is a fantastic thing. nights like tonight, i can enjoy people, a steak, a hooka, and good ol' company. i used to never understand emotional attachments, loving people, or just how to just plain out love people and enjoy company. Being able to feel and express love to company, wow, the simplest things are so fulfilling now. It is strange too, since i mean, i never knew what it was like to know it would hurt to loose a person. i never allowed myself to feel that. there is a lot of risk that goes into knowing people and being attached to them, but the friendship is so much deeper and there is so much to give and grow in.

this sounds all stupid and simple, but to me, this is fascinating, since i have never felt this before.

so, realizing that an act of service is not love, but an expression of it makes the gospel so much brighter. realizing that christ didn't just do enough to meet the demands of the law, but gives us everything possible, he gives us kingship. that is beauty. it changes how i see people and how i should treat them. it makes me love for the first time in my life. Love doesn't just do, it is the absolute and complete exhaustion of everything towards a person. it also means being vulnerable to them. I realized something, jesus was vulnurable every time he spoke. how? realize he was and is something that seems pretty impossible. God in man. Everytime someone asked who he was and he answered them, he risked complete and utter rejection, since it does take faith to believe something as absolutely insane as a statement like, " i am the son of god."

I don't know who all reads this, but i do know that for the first time i know people. weather i have known you for months or years, in honesty i don't think you all have known me until recently. the reason isn't because of you, but because i have never allowed people to know me. i have learned to never be vulnerable, to never feel, to never be in a position to get hurt. i think this goes back to me not fully trusting and feeling jesus's love and payment. i mean, if you don't have absolute and complete trust in Jesus's blood covering your sin, you are going to try to pay for it yourself in someway or another. that describes my life pretty well up to now. Now is the time where you can get to know me, since jesus has softened me enough to where you can know me.

you have never met me before. you knew a facade i put up. you never knew who god made me. you can know me now though. i am actually real now. as stupid as that sounds, it is very true.

so, i have an idea. i hate ice cream now.

you know how people say, " you have to find yourself before you can be in a relationship!" i think there is truth in that, but it is slightly misplaced. ask yourself though, if you are unsure of who you are, how do you fight? what is a violation of who you are and what you hold to?

the answer is you cannot fight.

realizing that you are pretty much completely unable to be in a relationship until you find out who christ is in a fullness i have never had until last few weeks. how can you fight and stand up for something until you are so deeply committed to jesus that any consequence is not big enough for you to violate your consequence and not consequence is strong enough to make you not pursue Him in everything? until you become grounded in something i don't think that you can actually stand up for anything, especially in relationships. without being so firmly grounded everything is subject to rationalization and everything is subject to erosion.

pretty much for me, i have never been a person who confronted people, stood up for anything i believed, and never brought up touchy subjects. in essence, i have always been a coward who put on the facade of strength by being numb and also just being a clever asshole who was manipulative and avoided everything at all cost. This goes deeper than just being a coward though. i was incapable of love, since i haven't been grounded thoroughly before. If you can't fight, you can't love. since love is not being nice, love is messy. Love is loving in everything. everything my friends. it isn't being nice, it is loving someone when you hate them and dealing with them and your hate. It is an eternal perspective in who christ is and his power. I honestly don't think i would have ever understood love without christ in any manner. Since, unless you have an eternal perspective of things, the little things really do matter, since they are our everything without christ and focusing on him.

yeah. so, service doesn't mean you love someone. if you do love someone, you will serve them, but serving doesn't equal love. this may sound normal and easy for you as you read this, but remember, this is coming from a guy who felt his first emotion that wasn't pain or fear a few weeks back. read a few posts back for an explanation.

i saw people who did love people and i did see them serve people. so, i copied them. i never felt, but i knew serving people got a reaction i liked and i wanted the attention. realizing that every good action i ever did was to serve myself, that it was either because i wanted something or i weighed myself down with requirements that i thought god has on me, that i had to earn his smile. i have never had my father smile at me, i have never have him be proud of me. i haven't had a father. realizing that God loves me is one thing, but realizing that love means he wants to serve me, but not just do things to provide for my needs, but EVERYTHING. He wants to know me and be intimate with me. He wants to save me...and has. He wants me to have emotions, he wants me to be able to love, he wants me to be able to live and thrive. He wants me to have joy and happiness.

Loving someone means being vulnerable, but also it means that the simply things, the building relationship through talking, sharing, enduring, laughing, all those things, they're in there, too. I am still confused by all this emotion stuff, but i do know i had my first good day a few weeks ago and it is beginning to show. i saw an old friend today and her response was, without hearing any of what has been going on, " for the first time, you don't look sad." i am learning how to express emotions on top of that. it took me feeling the joy of jesus in me and his healing to do that, but man, it's scary.

another thing, today for the first time ( i am having a lot of firsts in this part of my life) a person i look up to told me that were proud of me. it's strange. it almost doesn't register. something to pray about. what is it that God is proud of us? i have been focusing on how God pays for our guilt and shame, but more than just taking care of our shame, he is proud of us. He smiles on us. so, with that said, how do you and i live lives that demonstrate that God, the creator, our father, is proud of us?

gal 3:13 ( a possible future tattoo) jesus redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse.

everything we are, he took care of and gave us everything he was and is. that is a radical idea.