the new year

the new year this year is a little different than other years for me. most years i have massive goals, massive ambitions, but this year i do not have those massive wants or needs. I am not entirely sure if that is a good thing, but it is true nonetheless. I have a compulsive, obsessive, and driven personality. the issue is i use obsession with work, charities, and people to run. I have been making efforts to not work, to not become obsessed with people and things so i can try and get a grip on my head. I think i have finally come to grips with my life, with myself, with who i am, and hardest of all, who i have been.

There have been three main stages i have been in this year. The eat, drink, and be merry is one. Another is work your ass off and realize nothing came of it. the last was the learning to work, be loved, then rest. The bible has a very strange tension of working, being radical, and yet resting and existing in a state of being loved and loving. the problem with drinking your life into forgetfulness is that happiness is merely a forgetting, a false reality. Eventually reality has a nice knack for finding you and reminding you that you are living in a lie. The issue with working your ass off trying to be good, trying to earn respect, ect, is that you and i can't build relationships with just working, we can't earn love through work. the hardest thing has been learning to calm down and live in rest, love, peace. I have grown up in chaos, i have grown up in pain. When life is calm, when life is peaceful and enjoyable i panic. I force chaos into my life. Relationships cannot be built in chaos.

the whole thing of building a relationship, living in that relationship, then building a relationship with others to show the relationship you share is a slow process of existing, living, and enjoying what you do. This is so contrary to what i lived for, with what i did. I threw myself into everything until i broke and moved onto something else. i have no consistency for more than a few months. if there was consistency i eventually broke it, found a good reason to, and did. is it any wonder i never really had relationships with people? God took a lot of effort in ruining every plan i used to run away from relationship and people and made me chill. He put a lot of friends in my life that pursued me when i was running away and the result was i was horrified of being close to people, and now, i am experiencing love for the first time in the sacrificial way, i am experiencing family in a away i never did before. i tell you what, it is a beautiful thing.

For the new year, there are no obsessive goals, there are no massive plans, there is nothing horribly ambitious. i want enough to give it away, i want to be filled enough i can share the healing i have been given with others, i want to be inviting to people and show them love in spite of who they are, in spite of who i am. my goal is to live as a child who is loved by his father and to love as a person who is in the midst of the most beautiful love of all. All the sad things are becoming untrue and there isnt any reason to fear what has happened to me, there isn't any really for me to allow what has been done to me to control me. simply, what i have done, what they have done, it is all forgiven and the shame has been taken care of by another.

ecc 9:1-2
1But all this I laid to heart, examining it all, how the righteous and the wise and their deeds are in the hand of God. Whether it is love or hate, man does not know; both are before him. 2 It is the same for all, since the same event happens to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil, to the clean and the unclean, to him who sacrifices and him who does not sacrifice. As the good one is, so is the sinner, and he who swears is as he who shuns an oath.

solomon experienced everything, had everything, knew more than anyone. all he saw was everything ended the same. it does. we all die, we pass all we made onto people who know less than we do, all we worked for to people who haven't worked. This life is meaningless as an end, your happiness is meaningless as an end. The only thing that gives meaning to all of it is this isn't the end, merely the transition, home for just a time. If everything is a pursuit of jesus there really is a joy in everything instead of a meaninglessness in everything. if your drinking, your work, you family, is your end and your pursuit. you're just screwed, since me and you will fail.

in the end, i hope for this year to display the shade that i rest in. To be inviting to other people who are longing for me find the shade to rest in. Since i have found it. I am now resting.

to start, it is damn cold outside. i went for a walk to think for a bit and the walk lasted all of five minutes. there is so much to think, so much to put into relationships. the strangest thing of all is where is caring too much and where is attempting to control. when you think about it, where is the line of controlling someones life and still loving them, since there are times where you are going to drag someone out of what they're doing regardless of what they say. Also, just for consistencies sake, there is a landload of people that you and i know who put themselves in awful situations constantly, but we will drag them out of those situations.

I think, people being in relationship with you is, in a way, submitting themselves to you. let me explain, people being in close relationship with you not only makes your heart go out to them, but also makes you act on their behalf, since you cannot function well in close friendships with someone who constantly tears you down by destroying themselves, and if you are in close relationship with someone you are going to care about the decisions they make and how they affect themselves by their choices. i think though, we put ourselves in control too often. i know i do. something i have been struggling with is how do i love people that are wrecking themselves. People in general take the all or nothing approach. we go all out and try to change the people or we cut them out until they change. If you control them you make them bitter, if you leave you take away their support system. Neither option is one i like.

I realized though, we can't change people. fortunately, that isn't in our control, it is God's spirit that changes people. this doesn't mean give up either, i dunno how much of the bible talks about seeking people out and being active. I think the most selfless type of love is one where you aren't controlling a person and you are there to love them and help them whenever they need help. The reason why is because you are not gaining anything. If you aren't gaining support from them emotionally or in other ways and you are still loving them, you really are loving them without gaining anything in return. The thing that is stranger is this: then why are we loving them? honestly, i have no idea other than there are people we have been a heart for that we cannot really explain in rational ways why we love them.

In the end though, all we can worry about is today, which doesn't do much of anything since being paranoid and all panic like makes us less able to actually DO anything.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

We have absolutely no idea what tomorrow brings. we're basically in a constant state of looking at a wall and never knowing what is on the other side until we walk through it every day. everyday we walk through one wall and see another. This a beautiful thing, since we're never sure what is on the next wall, but also so humbling, since we don't know what the hell is going to be written on the next wall. This applies to everything we worry about, but on relationships especially and how we deal with people. we can not control someone and we cannot really leave someone, but we do not really have a reason to, since we don't know what tomorrow will bring for them. in the present we know we have to love them through everything and whatever happens later, we will deal with it when that happens, but for now, i love them. if something happens where i can love them with more than just being there, i will, but until then i can't do anything else.

man, it is so nice to not be in control of the world.

I think joy is the most attractive of all attributes.

11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with lapis lazuli." Isaiah 54:11

over and over god promises to rebuilt, redeem, to move and create us again. Not just to bring us back to the way things were, but rather to rebuild and create us into something spectacular, unimaginable that sounds rather absurd. talking abuot building a cities foundation out of stones and rocks that are considered to be absurd to even have enough to build a wall out of, let alone a whole city. In the end, when you think of who you are now, of where jesus has taken you, what he has called you out of, i never could have imaged what life would be like now. My desires were so weak, so low, i never dreamed to be who i am now. My desires were for money, fame, and pleasure. all of that was taken out of my grasp, but what happened was it was shown that all those things, int he course of eternity fail and even in the scope of our existence we see that they fail us. i wasn't able to imagine what i have now. In the end, do we really know what we want, or even what we need? all the things i wanted weren't really what i wanted, rather were things i wanted to temporarily fill what me, since i didn't have what i really needed.

Love is a strange thing, since often times it means giving people exactly what they do not want. Knowing what someone needs and giving it to them is usually a pretty rough thing, but giving them what they need above their wants is probably one of the most loving things you can do for a person. I did not want jesus, but he forced himself on me for years until i broke. that is what i needed though.

you have become the dearest of brothers
as you helped carry my life
making burdens possible to bear
with all the coffee and cigarettes we shared

we climbed, jumped, and laughed
sharing the happiest of times
the best of which are not in the past
since our future holds several more minor crimes.

i haven't finished this one yet. i wrote this much and have gotten stumped.

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. i have been separated from my siblings for awhile now. Too long. I do not function terribly well without them, partially since there are so few people that are capable of relating in the way they can, since everything i have experienced, so have they, and also because i have no friends that i have know for more than a few years at best. Part of never being able to form relationships with people until recently means you have no long term friends. This gets me down, since i am closest to my siblings and they are extremely dear to me, the most dear you can hold someone is how i hold them. I have lived my whole life until two years ago with my brother, jay, and i have seen him a handful of times in those two years for hours and a day at best. After this way too long separation that wrenches my heart, he and i are living in the same city again in a few short months.

More and more i understand why God established families, why we are created to be in and thrive in families. I do not have a family, i have the remnants of family, my siblings, but no functioning family unit. I spent thanksgiving with an incredibly loving family of ten and i got the chance to watch and participate in their family life. watching how loving their family is, how accepting they were to me, and seeing how their kids thrive and know they are loved brought me to tears several nights. It was possibly the most refreshing thing i have seen since i moved here. Then seeing how i need my siblings, how i need the relationship i have with them and how quickly i can pick it up again after not seeing my brother in years and just how close we are so quickly once again, i see the reason why God commands families to be families. Why parents are meant to love their kids, why families are supposed to continue to grow by being fathers to the fatherless. We are designed, we crave, we long to find that loving relationship. in the end, that relationship and that love is found in our heavenly father, but the family system points us directly to that is a more tangible way for us to experience that love.

family makes sense to me. It is what i crave. it is what God has given to us.

" see, i have engraved you on the palms of my hands." - isaiah 49:16

all the things we have disreguarded
this is why we come undone
since a piece of us has parted
and left our lives unwon

the missing piece left a gaping hole
that is filled, but only for a moment
nothing can satisfies our soul
because it is always growing
and the the hole was too large to fill
until the infinite was sent

until we are filled
everything falls into us
and our souls we can no longer trust
we live for what our soul desires
and there is no control for what is inside
since there is a hole.

i started to write. i think i may write a story. this is the intro i've written.

There came a time when i wondered if there was any hope, if there was any real light that stays longer than the sun. I still wonder if there is anything more than the light that fades in and out. The light seems like more of a tease than actual hope. As soon as the day becomes warm, as soon as there is any hope that grips your soul, it fades away, and we are cursed to face the dark and cold again. This is the sad state of reality and the sad world i was born into. We wake to live for a moment of light and warmth, then exist in the darkness waiting for a moment again. Most people resolve to live in the light and exist in the darkness, just flirting with both, but never truly living in either. The trouble is they are torn every time they exist in one and then transition into dark from light or light to dark. the struggle between light and dark, between loving oneself and loving others is what forms us all.

This struggle is what i want to tell you about and what it did to me. This struggle made me rise and fall and ultimately exist inside the tension and in the end die to try and end it. The easiest place to begin is the end, but only for a minute, i will send you to the beginning after a few details are explained. I am not in the world of light and dark anymore and i do not have to fight any longer. also this is not a story of how i left the fight and found out how to find peace, rather this is a story of how i existed in the turmoil. Now, to go to the beginning: i was born. no seriously. i was. that is how most beginnings begin.

So, ultimately living for yourself is a dead end and cannot satisfy your craving. it all spirals down and the only way to keep the craving down is to put it into chaos and just shift highs constantly. nothing fulfills us except jesus, but serving other people is the only way to not live for yourself and in a strange way i have always served people and always been selfish. Serving people was the closest illusion to following christ i had and i thrived as much as i could on it, which wasn't that much, but it was something. I was a selfish server of people, since i was serving to gain love and to build myself up. it is the closest thing to following something other than myself i had figured out and was the closest thing to fulfillment i had ever found. Serving people burnt me out though, it eventually drove me into the ground and made me break down.

Jesus is a strange thing, since he makes us more like ourselves. Sin cannot create, it can only distort us more than we already are. Growing towards and pursuing jesus makes us more like ourselves since the closer we are to jesus the more we are like our original selves, the more like we were created to be we are. In a sense, the only way to actually know your limits, how to feed yourself and how to feed other people is to pursue jesus, since we never truly know ourselves until we live inside jesus. Jesus is how we are truly fed and not burnt out, since it is only through jesus we have any satisfaction. there isn't any other way. nothing else can fill or satisfy the desires we have. However, we typically see the pursuit of jesus as in we pursue jesus first, then everything else. i don't think that is entirely right, though. if we're pursuing jesus first, then when do we stop pursuing jesus to pursue what we are pursuing second?

The pursuit of jesus is not something that comes in and out and you just pursue jesus more than other things, since in the end, if you're not pursuing jesus in something, you're not pursuing jesus. It is through the pursuit of jesus that you pursue anything else. Everything becomes a pursuit of jesus and in that everything is the constant feeding of yourself. Serving people truly becomes selfless since it isn't about either of you, rather jesus.

I have a love hate relationship with holidays. It is a stab in heart in the sense that it is a constant reminder of what holidays were as a kid and a reminder still that i don't have a home, rather remnants of family. Don't get me wrong, what family i do have i love dearly and they take care of me, but as far as a home, i have none. I guess for what christmas is originally about, baby jesus and the redemption of humanity beginning, it reminds me of how much of a savior jesus is and just how much i need him. No lie, i struggle, i struggle like hell with holiday seasons. People return to their families and go back to their homes, i work to pay rent and if things where my parents live are pleasant enough i will make an appearance for a day. There is something so fundamental that God put in us about family. It is so strange that i grew up in a home that should have driven me away from jesus, but all it did was push my closer, that i should hate family, my father and mother, but i pray and beg for God to forgive them and pull them into his spirit so they don't have to live under the law any longer. family is one of the most intense desires in my heart that i pray for almost non-stop. there is little i hold higher, maybe sense i never had one or maybe because i just know what God intended for family to be. I don't really know why, but Jesus has made me all the more crazy about building a family someday.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak- isaiah 40:29

i am going to start writing rap

" our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."- C.S. Lewis, the screwtape letters

All the unhappy endings
as thousands walk in dimly lit streets
all look for a way to start our mending
and we all wander searching for weeks

in this dim light
we can barely see the ground
to be honest, i have no sight
and secretly am hoping to be found

buildings, posts, streets, and people
but i am unable to see or know anything
i can only live my looking down so i'm
not consumed by this vast darkness

If i look up and peer into the darkness
panic and fear over take me
and to be honest i must confess
whatever is inside the darkness i don't want to see

while i was wandering
a person surrounded by light passed by
my heart jumped and began to sing
i wanted to follow him and i was unsure as to why

when i walked in this man's light
i see the world's mess and my hearts sin
after seeing light, darkness never satisfies again
and without a choice you resolve to fight

i was never able to again just exist
when i hide
my mind persists
there is more to life than just this

although i now more clearly see
all the pain and death because of light
i live in it because i see a future
because someone satisfied darkness's plea

heaven is breaking into darkness
giving us a hint, a clue
of what is to come
since all the sad things are becoming untrue

So, i think our definition of addiction is a little off. Not in the sense of cravings and having a stimulus that we have to meet, rather in the sense that we thing if we simply aren't around some things we will not become addicted. A rather guy like struggle, lust, porn, masturbation, i don't think will power can defeat and people in pulpits say go to jesus, but over and over again guys i know can't defeat this addiction and they have hardened wills to defeat it, but can't. Notice, with drug addicts, we replace stimulants. things like sugar and caffeine are used to lessen cravings, replace them with easier to manage addictions. With lust, we simply try to force our ways out. Addictions don't work that way. the only way to end an addiction is to replace it. it is all about finding the greater addiction and that is the only true way to kill an old addiction.

we're kind of like a metal surface with a hole in the middle and the entire surface slants towards the hole. By keeping everything out of the hole, all that happens is more and more falls in and we are constantly popping everything in and out and you are just shifting cravings all the time. I kind of feel like guys that are struggling with masturbation that is the last ball in the arena and everything else is out, but the only way to keep everything out of the hole, that is ourselves, is to fill the hole. the issue is the hole is always getting deeper and is never satisfied. There isn't anything to fill that hole, so, everything falls in and it isn't enough.

The issue is that we try to willfully force out addictions, lust and masturbation primarily, with sheer will force. I think the struggle with lust and masturbation is more an issue with us not being filled and not being satisfied. the only way to defeat lust is to find the higher satisfaction and a joy that is greater than any amount of numbness you can achieve. It isn't just an issue of forcing the sin out of your person, rather filling it so you can keep it out.

until he returns to me
we will strive and fight
until the day he calls us home
for him to see
how we fought creations groan

to fight means to live in heights
of joy and depths of peace
to bathe in light
and be released

sins grip has lost its strength
jesus came
to break sins link
and states god's claim over all creation
saying, " this is mine"

Then god's spirit came to make
us live in depths of light
so we may see with eyes awake
and truly see we live to fight.

you built me for war
as i was born into a fight
that goes on what i think is forever more
rather, just until we're blinded by the blessed light

i tried to ignore
i tried to not see
but that is impossible with war
so, next i tried to flee

running so far that i collapsed
panting for life, i recognized war in my past
and resolved to fight
so i may live in the blessed light

at eighteen i didn't see death
rather the one that brings it
in my terror i could only mutter with my breath
a prayer to the one whom death bit

on that day i started war
and finally saw the unseen enemy

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.


this has been one of the few encouragements i have had for awhile now. I know it's true, but there are days where it is hard to carry on. today is one of those days. The strange thing is, even when i am in these days, i used to panic and worry. It is hard for me to get up and go about my day and work and praise jesus, but today, there's a lot of peace. it is hard, extremely hard, but there's a lot of inexplicable peace.

So, i spent roughly 6 hours on a porch of a party house in the getto. got to talk to a lot of people i wouldn't ordinarily get to talk to, got to see a different culture, got to be included in their culture. a few things struck me, i walked over and started talking and because i am white and talked to them i immediately earned their respect and was nicked named a " bad ass motherfucking white." apparently white people are timid and scared to talk. After spending the entire night talking to them, things like sex, drugs, and drinking all come up in the course of the night. as they tell stories of the strangest people they have had sex with and the strangest drugs they've taken, i don't live like that and when they ask, i straight up told them that i don't sleep around and i don't do drugs. They didn't believe me at first, i get this response all the time because the way they see it is this: if you say you don't do drugs and have sex, you're a liar, since everyone does drugs and has sex. Everyone who said they didn't, really do and just lie about it. So, why am i different?

I think their attitude toward the church could best be explained by what one of the men said, " war didn't make me a bad person, i just don't go to church anymore." Church and morals are separate and irrelevant. If there isn't jesus, i completely agree. There isn't anything that binds them together besides the work of jesus, but even so, the church isn't even supposed to be bound like we think they are. Ah, off topic, back to what i was writing about to begin with. wait, i never said what i was writing about to begin with, so, onto why i started writing!

The ghetto culture is so radically different that even the language and how they relate to each other is different than the white culture i was raised in. I relate to jesus and christianity by ideas, concepts, thinking. Jesus satisfies my ideas, my thoughts on life, all of that. it fits. Partially because that is how i was raised, i was raised with ideas and thoughts like this. i was raised in a theologians house. Even my friendships, my language, the way i relate to my friends is on a more abstract scale. I talk about ideas, philosophies that drive me, concepts of life as a whole. not that i am smarter or better, but that is just how i think. i look at over arching concepts that drive people. it is just instinctive for me. However, that is not how people in the ghetto think. In all honesty, i prefer the way they think, it really is much more real than the way i think, they just think and what is, is. they way they related to each other is just flat out saying what they think and the way they see life is they just see it. so, in a sense, for them to see christianity, they have to see it lived out. i can see an idea and hope i can live out christianity where that idea becomes a reality. i can see what the idea of the church is meant to be, but they don't look at ideas, they just look at life. So, by looking at life, all christians are liars and hypocrites.

That is a mostly true observation. Christians are supposed to be ultimately accepting and loving, they don't see that happening at all, christians aren't supposed to have sex before marriage, never happens that they have seen, the list goes on. so, with that, where in life is christianity true? it isn't.

On top of this, language, the white church, which is pretty prevalent, preaches an intellectual language, which doesn't make sense to them. In the same way, a lot of ghetto preachers don't make sense to me or you, we don't make sense to them. The gospel really hasn't been preached to them in their language and isn't being preached to them in their language. the great commission is about preaching to them in their language and living where they can see it. inner city missions really is mostly like poking people with a stick. if you genuinely want to see change, live with them and be open and vulnerable. They is the language that transcends any barrier. a life lived consistently.

Today i can feel a lot of life. today is a day that i use to remind myself of God's goodness when i don't feel it.

i'm realizing more and more the reality and the seriousness of having to know what you believe and being committed to it. The same reason why you have to have weight in what you believe is the same reason why you have to know what you believe. If you do not know and are not fully committed to what you believe then you never will be able to withstand any sort of struggle. To be honest, if i ever stopped believing in Jesus i would kill myself, since there wouldn't be any point to life. there really isn't. in the end, everything is absolutely meaningless without jesus. Jesus makes people real and makes life something to be reckoned with. The whole concept of jesus is what grounds you into reality, rather than making life an attempt to escape reality. Since, in the end, everyone is running from life and reality that life is, we are all running in some form or fashion. weather it is with drugs, sex, money, impulsiveness, relationships, careers, reputations, grades, even our insecurities can be things we use to run. The interesting thing that i find is that Jesus never made me stop running, but it is no longer aimless running. i know what i am running towards now. There is a tension in Jesus that is seemingly a constant contradiction in everything. It is a contradiction, but it is like a series of strings that are all pulled to perfect tension to stop the strings from hitting the ground. I am more real now than i ever was, but i am more withdrawn from life than i have ever been, i am more loving to people than i have ever been, but i am less effected and more torn up by people than i have ever been. Jesus makes me feel and makes pain so much more real, but allows me never be fully torn down completely. i may be joyful and have joy, but there are still days where the very color of life seems incredibly dark, but it is at these points you just have to accept what you believe and move on with life until the darkness passes. In the end, if your beliefs aren't what you value to death, they'll shift at every storm. yesterday was a day where i just had to force myself to accept that Jesus was king, that he loves me and has my best benefit in mind. In the end though, i know that it is true and today is a day where i can feel that and truly believe it and see it. probably why this verse is in isaiah:

" if you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all" - isaiah 7:9

i can say i never really enjoyed anything until a few months ago. i never found joy in everything. it was all empty, nothing was enough. i always needed more and that was never even enough. the saddest thing was when i got what i wanted and there wasn't anything in it. It drove me to do things i hated and still hate, it drove me to do anything to be satisfied. nothing was enough, so, i had to try everything. i am reading through isaiah now and a verse stood out tonight:

" on the right they will devour,
but still be hungry;
on the left they will eat,
but not be satisfied."
isaiah 9:20

this explains me perfectly. nothing ever was enough. never. i had an all consuming desire to find something that could make me rest. thought i found it in a relationship, but only to realize that couldn't satisfy either. Nothing did. So, in contrast, now i am sitting in a chair with my tiny tiny lap top, with piano music in the distance ( about ten feet) completely content and able to laugh and smile for the first time in my life.

You are a slave to anything you cannot let go of. Jesus forced me to let go of everything i trusted in. I am free and nothing binds me to earth. i can finally enjoy a smoke, a steak, and a hard work out. i am no longer searching for fulfillment in pleasure or my own self worth. Since i am looking for fullfillment in anything, i can enjoy everyhting because anything is always enough since i am already full. everything is filled with joy because i have everything i need. i always will. Everything in life is an overbearing master, since none of it is good enough. Knowledge: you can never be the best. Money: it'll burn and move without you. athletics: you will suck eventually no matter how good you are. Life sucks. it really does. it is filled with death, disappointment, and struggle. That is the beauty of it, i can look at all of this and still have a smile, since there is an inexplicable joy in knowing that i am completely loved and no longer have to search for love in my life.

you are loved you screwed up bastard. After loosing everything i trusted in, i looked up, and realized, " damn it. jesus does know best." freedom is amazing. you can finally find the name God made for you.

2 With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our fathers;
you crushed the peoples
and made our fathers flourish.

3 It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.
psalm 44

it wasn't by anything israel did that they got everything they had. how are we any different that we expect by our supposedly amazing things and actions that we earn anything? seriously, think about it. we read and look and think poorly about israel, but how often do we allow our relationship to guide us not in just we do not do, but in what we do?

i tend to forget how much suffering there is around me. We become numb to it in our little bubbles of those like us. to minister, we poke the problems with a stick so we do not become dirty and stay a safe distance. i was studying in a coffee shop and a man who i have seen come in and our and frenquents the cafe came in. he sat down near me, so, i started talking to him. after a few minutes of talking, he burst into tears since i was the only person in days he said that has talked to him. the fellow homeless men won't talk to him, since he will not do dope, everyone else ignores him. he loves jesus, he has faith in god, yet no one knows that. he lost everything he owns, he is in his 70's now, he has spent the last 14 years looking for his son, he suffers more than i will ever understand, since no matter how hard my life seems, i will never suffer as bad as he has and is suffering.

there's a lot life. i enjoy it.

oh, a good nights sleep. how i want one now.

" because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God already forsake us."- george mcdonald.

my heart was cold and distant
i never felt or gave
but christ's love persisted
and my false strength left and i was saved

i saw the cross and found my trust
in a single moment i burst
i looked at my heard and saw rust
and my hands too were cursed

a breath came in like death
i breathed for the first time
and actually laid down to rest
finally, i found peace from my crimes

my heart started from the cross
beating, feeling, like i was a little boy
because of one mans great loss
i can experience joy

If ever a plea for the broken was made
i heard it in the night
A cry for you
A cry so you may be whole one day

Live as two, three, and four
never a sound thought or a nights rest
my body was in a constant war
and a few hours peace a night was my best

Never living or dieing
But slowly walking away from life
I swore i lived and loved, but i was lying
I lived in death, since i never knew christ

I never experienced love or family
and never was cherished by someone
every place i found closeness made me flee
i ran
i ran from the man who died
and fought my battle until it was won

i was pursued a man, a carpenter by trade
he is the man who constructed a great salvation
and made the greatest love story ever written
and all he asked was a conversation

My heart has been pursued my whole life
our lives are a love story
of a God pursuing with a passion for a man to his wife
now i can rest in love to never worry

i no longer run from closeness
since i am bound with love that binds
i have everything, but cannot boast
i am passionate to chose this love to all man kind
and show the fulfillment of the love story.

so, i never had a family. the closest remnant to family i have ever had has been my siblings. it is still a recent thing that we are a family. It ate me alive that i have no parents, no home, just places to live. I am not a person that crys much or often, i have never cried this hard. i was outside and cried until my hands and face was so wet i couldn't wipe away tears and i took off my shirt and had to use it. i realized that the intense lonleyness i have been struggling with was once again, me trying to find love where there isn't lasting love. My whole life, all my struggles, mistakes, all, has been because i am searching for love. that is what i am doing and have been doing my whole life. searching for love, reassurance of love, wanting and craving with everything to KNOW that i am loved. I realized i had no real family system and as everyone returns for a break to their homes to people they love, i realized, i don't have that. I broke, i couldn't take it. i went to sleep in a pile of damp sheets and pillows and woke a few hours later for class in the exact same state of brokenness. throughout classes, in between, and after i was crying for a solid day. i couldn't take it. i called a guy, he listened, then simply responded, " you don't have a home, you don't have parents, but you have a family. we're brothers."

i have a bigger family than most anyone else. It is alive, growing, and moving constantly. The blood of christ is thicker than the blood of relatives and makes me closer than i am to my family. the reason why my siblings and i are family now is because we all have christ. that is why we are family. My family is constantly growing and is an all inclusive family. There is a lot of life in jesus, there is a lot of joy. I have a family. I really was a wander, i was not grounded with anyone or anything, i have never formed attachments, i have never been open or vulnerable, i have never been real, i have never been able to experience love or love anyone, these are things now that are in my life and living in the midst of my life. that is why i say there is a lot of life in jesus, since i finally found life.

some days things just seem unbearable. i don't know why, but tonight not having a home, not having a family place, not having a place to go. it just kills.

so, hope and trust are connected intimately. I wasn't sure what actually changed in me, i know something drastically did. I found a lot tonight on a long walk with my pipe and praying. I trust now. I fully trust in jesus's righteousness as my own. that is why i can hope and have joy now. now, to explain:

you cannot hope in something unless you have a complete faith and trust in something. since you're believing that what you are trusting in is bigger and greater than what is causing you to have to trust and to want to hope in something. until i had complete trust in jesus's righteousness, i always doubted, strove, and fought for peoples opinions. i never rested in that my reputation was already spoken for, i never rested in someone else bearing my shame and making a perfect reputation in heaven for me. In the bigger sense, i was never able to have hope and from hope, joy, because i never fully trusted in jesus's righteousness. I knew jesus, but complete trust and completely letting go of myself hadn't come yet.

In the psalms, david writes about God's faithfulness, then talks about how God is his rock and how he hopes in God's salvation. Hoping in despair, that is trusting and giving up our plans, that is trusting that God had a more beautiful and fulfilling plan than what we have. I am not saying this as a person who has it all together, not even that i have a good trust and can hope when i am suffering. i loose sight of this way too easily. the moment pain hits, i struggle to remember to pray, i struggle to want to get out of pain. I am learning and slowly starting to walk in trust. i have never trusted before, but i know this is right. I have joy for the first time in my life because i have been trusting. i can smile now, i laugh, i enjoy. all these things hurt and make me vulnerable, but i am alive. we have life in jesus and he has given me a lot of life. so, well, shit this is awesome.

So, i've been reading through the old testament prophets. God talks alot, i mean, it is his book. so, i should have figured as much, but it threw me off when i realized, this is God speaking. He is wild. He isn't tame. He does everything possible to bring his bride to love him. He isn't tame, but he is loving.

If we are called to become more like christ, more like who we were created to be before we fell, then we are not called to be tame. I have grown up in the bible belt, in the white bible belt, we have the theology, but nothing to live. I love theology, but i hate it when theology is for theologies sake. we aren't called to just think, over thinking doesn't move a person to action, i would argue more often than not, a person is moved to do less by over thinking.

we have everything already in christ in heaven. there is nothing tieing us down. so, go be wild in a way that glorifies christ. Go enjoy good things, go do what you love, go be an untame person. God is, so we should as well. We're called to life, not to death. We were taken out of death and moved to life. Live like you have been given life.

something i have been praying about for awhile now has been to know God as my father. Speaking to all the fatherless out there, it is hard to see God as your father when your father only abused you. in the few fatherly moments you had, if any, you're more confused and wondering when he will scream or damn you. Conveniently enough, my pastor has been working on a series in galatians, which talks a helluva lot about the work of christ and how we are changed in our relationship to God.

Galatians 4

1What I am saying is that as long as the heir is a child, he is no different from a slave, although he owns the whole estate. 2He is subject to guardians and trustees until the time set by his father. 3So also, when we were children, we were in slavery under the basic principles of the world. 4But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, 5to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. 6Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.

Do you not see it? Jesus did not come to make you a slave to another master, but to make you a son of God. Jesus came to give fathers to all the fatherless. i can finally claim a father, i can finally think of a father and not have intense darkness come over my mind, i can finally scream out daddy in looking for comfort, i can finally claim a family. the broken one i have, while i love, we were never united until we became siblings in the blood of christ. I am fatherless, i was without family, i was alone. Jesus did not just give me a relationship with my father, but gave my a flood of community around me. I can tell a brother next to me, that i may not even really know, that i love him and cherish him. In all honesty, i do love him. that is the strangest thing that has been happening. i have been given an inexplicable love for my brothers and a strong love for the people who are not covered in the blood of jesus.

you and me, we're sons of God. so, lets go live like a son of God.

we have the don't. don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, no sex before marriage. i hear this alot when i ask people about what christianity means to them. At this point i am just asking, is christianity something that removes you from society because you have a list of do nots? there are a lot of things as christians, we don't do or we do in a proper context. i think these are things that create a great culture, but there is a fundamental flaw that makes christianity dead with the thought process of do notting. We do nothing. that is what kills us. i mean, really, look around at all of us, including myself. i work, i go to school, i hang out, i work out. in the midst of this, where am i living in some radical way that displays the life jesus has given me? the reason why i think there is a lot of things that we should be doing is this:

sin cannot create; it only distorts. With that, by not doing what the world does, there should be a lot of things in our lives that the world doesn't do that we do. Since, we're taking away what the world does from our lives and putting nothing really in its place other than milder versions of what the world was already doing. There is a hole, a gap, something missing.

There is a lot of life in jesus. there is a lot of joy in jesus. i think we're called to use this to fill those gaps. so, for you, what is filling the gaps?

so, the worst is distorted. we can all agree on that. There is sin in the world and sin cannot create, it can only distort. Also, we were created in a world that was designed for us. Things we look to and see good things in and that we are attracted to, such as a guy willing to take huge risks for stupid reasons, we aren't sure why we admire his stupidity, but we simply do. there is a reason and i think this is something we have missed in Christianity, especially in the south, risk.

I think the heart of the issue is this: we see risk, a worldly risk, a there is something to admire in it. I mean, honestly, God is a risk taker and is a wild person. A good person, but wild and risky. When you think of it, we find the ways a person is risky, and eliminate them. is the christian guy, the ideal christian guy, calm and impassioned? That isn't the gospel. Joy, hate, love, risk. they're all in there. They're more manifested in these traits than any amount of theology for theologies sake is. The thing i think we forget is that just because someone is risky doesn't mean they're unbiblical. i just think they're risk is placed in the wrong things. The worlds risk is selfish risk. Sex, drugs, fights, these are selfish risks. the selfless risk takers we see are almost idolized in societies eyes. we crave that type of risk taker. Think of it, most of our holidays, national heroes, people in the media today, they're idolized either because they're hot or they did something that we think is amazing. if it isn't sports, it is they served someone. for some reason that irks us or makes us go oogly eyes. The reason why is because we are wired for that type of selfless risk. we are designed to look at that and crave a hero. we're always looking to someone. so, my question is, why is christian culture breeding people who love to sit? i am as guilty as anyone for just sitting and being content with sitting. So, lets change that.

so, there are a couple of things i have realized. you know how in at summer camps we usually feel pretty good about ourselves. we're ministering! woot! that's great and all, but it struck me, romans 12:1 calls us to be a living sacrifice. that means, our lives are sacrifices. everything. It isn't that we're doing some great deed at summer camp, that is the norm. I do realize that ministry takes on many forms and pursuing things that i honestly believe are glorifying to god, like education, work, ect, make ministry take on many many different forms and all, but i realized something. the early church was considered so radical and different because of the massive community it made. seriously, when you start to read the reasons for the explosion of chrisianity the main reasons are the radical community it bred that was so, well, confusing. Realizing that there are ways i could raise money, i had a grant offered to me if i would take the initiative to start a house that would do what i am planning to do.

my brother and i since we were kids have been frustrated with the lack of hospitality in the church. i mean, in the past week i have had several friends from highschool, who are in the visible and invisible church, that need a few months help to get their life in order and get established in a new city. the church hasn't done anything. i want that to change, so, i have to change it in myself first before i can say anything. So, my brother and i are buying a house soon with the specific intentions of making it a place where guys who need a few months help, getting a job, rent, place to live, a community can come. Do realize, we're choosing not to label this as a " ministry" or as a " community service" even though we could get money and financial help for doing that. The reason why is this: we're not doing anything out of the ordinary. that type of hospitality is expected that type of hospitality is supposed to be normal. we see it as praise worthy and exceptional. that is what is sad. This is supposed to be the norm in a church.

Also, we wonder why people don't see jesus in our lives sometimes. i know i do. In the song of solmons, the last chapter, he talks about how if you want to find him, he'll be in his fields reaping his fruit. Why do you think spiritually you feel so close to jesus when you're serving at a summer camp? it isn't just the community, it is because you are serving. This changes neighborhoods, this changes people and communities. It is the clearest representation of jesus and Jesus is present in the midst of it all. This semester i am attending all the same services, worships, and volunteering the same as i did before. That didn't change my relationship with jesus. daily service for the sake of jesus changed me.

Please don't confuse what i am saying by making you go take on something that burdens you for the sake of service. God doesn't require anything at all from you. nothing, nada, crap. His grace and relationship was and is a free gift with nothing expected, at all, in return. that is what motivates me to serve him though, the nothing i am required to do. since i mean, christ didn't just put me at neutral, he put me at perfect and gave me a spot on his throne as the brother of jesus and the son of God. For me, service is just showing people that gift. before you serve, don't do what i did for so long. Serving doesn't help your righteousness. with or without your works, you're just as screwed or blessed either way. Your works don't define you or give you any source of identity, your faith in jesus gives you an identity and hopefully works flow from that. if you're just serving trying to fix things, you'll break. i broke. don't do it.

so, as i am reading my history book on the enlightened thought, how science and the concept that everything is made of the same material so everyone is equal abolished slavery and continues to drive our society to equality, it struck me, no. I know i live there is a massive divide between the middle class and the lower class. it is still apparent by dress and by your attitude where you come from socioeconomically. There is a massive divide. Churches in general have started to do inner city missions fairly consistently, but if feels more like poking the inner city with a stick and not really embracing them. there is an issue, since god created all of us in love before the foundations of the world were even starting to be put in motion, we should have nothing but heart wrenching love for these people struggling and suffering. Something a guy i was talking to as i said i was getting frustrated with a few things, he quietly replied, " so, i think before i should say anything, i should examine my own heart and actions. once my life is patterned against the issues i see, then i will talk more about it."

realizing that we're supposed to change our own heart and actions before we criticize anything like this, i realize i have the ability to go and be very bold in the welfare neighborhoods. so, my brother and i are applying for welfare housing and are praying to move into the getto in the next year or so. I love that the church is starting to move towards the getto and innercity, but there is so much more. the gospel needs to be lived and breathed among the neighborhoods, not just preached. I have nothing to loose and everything to give. i want people to find the absolute joy i have in life now. I want more ministry and love given to people who are lower in the socioeconomic ladder of life, i want us to be a body of believers that displays deep sacrificial love to people who don't know jesus like you and i do. if i want the church to move more towards a servants heart, then i must first change my life to be one of showing the love of christ.

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming the curse for us...
gal 3:13

if there ever was a passage in the bible that should make you cry, this is it.

Being not numb is a fantastic thing. nights like tonight, i can enjoy people, a steak, a hooka, and good ol' company. i used to never understand emotional attachments, loving people, or just how to just plain out love people and enjoy company. Being able to feel and express love to company, wow, the simplest things are so fulfilling now. It is strange too, since i mean, i never knew what it was like to know it would hurt to loose a person. i never allowed myself to feel that. there is a lot of risk that goes into knowing people and being attached to them, but the friendship is so much deeper and there is so much to give and grow in.

this sounds all stupid and simple, but to me, this is fascinating, since i have never felt this before.

so, realizing that an act of service is not love, but an expression of it makes the gospel so much brighter. realizing that christ didn't just do enough to meet the demands of the law, but gives us everything possible, he gives us kingship. that is beauty. it changes how i see people and how i should treat them. it makes me love for the first time in my life. Love doesn't just do, it is the absolute and complete exhaustion of everything towards a person. it also means being vulnerable to them. I realized something, jesus was vulnurable every time he spoke. how? realize he was and is something that seems pretty impossible. God in man. Everytime someone asked who he was and he answered them, he risked complete and utter rejection, since it does take faith to believe something as absolutely insane as a statement like, " i am the son of god."

I don't know who all reads this, but i do know that for the first time i know people. weather i have known you for months or years, in honesty i don't think you all have known me until recently. the reason isn't because of you, but because i have never allowed people to know me. i have learned to never be vulnerable, to never feel, to never be in a position to get hurt. i think this goes back to me not fully trusting and feeling jesus's love and payment. i mean, if you don't have absolute and complete trust in Jesus's blood covering your sin, you are going to try to pay for it yourself in someway or another. that describes my life pretty well up to now. Now is the time where you can get to know me, since jesus has softened me enough to where you can know me.

you have never met me before. you knew a facade i put up. you never knew who god made me. you can know me now though. i am actually real now. as stupid as that sounds, it is very true.

so, i have an idea. i hate ice cream now.

you know how people say, " you have to find yourself before you can be in a relationship!" i think there is truth in that, but it is slightly misplaced. ask yourself though, if you are unsure of who you are, how do you fight? what is a violation of who you are and what you hold to?

the answer is you cannot fight.

realizing that you are pretty much completely unable to be in a relationship until you find out who christ is in a fullness i have never had until last few weeks. how can you fight and stand up for something until you are so deeply committed to jesus that any consequence is not big enough for you to violate your consequence and not consequence is strong enough to make you not pursue Him in everything? until you become grounded in something i don't think that you can actually stand up for anything, especially in relationships. without being so firmly grounded everything is subject to rationalization and everything is subject to erosion.

pretty much for me, i have never been a person who confronted people, stood up for anything i believed, and never brought up touchy subjects. in essence, i have always been a coward who put on the facade of strength by being numb and also just being a clever asshole who was manipulative and avoided everything at all cost. This goes deeper than just being a coward though. i was incapable of love, since i haven't been grounded thoroughly before. If you can't fight, you can't love. since love is not being nice, love is messy. Love is loving in everything. everything my friends. it isn't being nice, it is loving someone when you hate them and dealing with them and your hate. It is an eternal perspective in who christ is and his power. I honestly don't think i would have ever understood love without christ in any manner. Since, unless you have an eternal perspective of things, the little things really do matter, since they are our everything without christ and focusing on him.

yeah. so, service doesn't mean you love someone. if you do love someone, you will serve them, but serving doesn't equal love. this may sound normal and easy for you as you read this, but remember, this is coming from a guy who felt his first emotion that wasn't pain or fear a few weeks back. read a few posts back for an explanation.

i saw people who did love people and i did see them serve people. so, i copied them. i never felt, but i knew serving people got a reaction i liked and i wanted the attention. realizing that every good action i ever did was to serve myself, that it was either because i wanted something or i weighed myself down with requirements that i thought god has on me, that i had to earn his smile. i have never had my father smile at me, i have never have him be proud of me. i haven't had a father. realizing that God loves me is one thing, but realizing that love means he wants to serve me, but not just do things to provide for my needs, but EVERYTHING. He wants to know me and be intimate with me. He wants to save me...and has. He wants me to have emotions, he wants me to be able to love, he wants me to be able to live and thrive. He wants me to have joy and happiness.

Loving someone means being vulnerable, but also it means that the simply things, the building relationship through talking, sharing, enduring, laughing, all those things, they're in there, too. I am still confused by all this emotion stuff, but i do know i had my first good day a few weeks ago and it is beginning to show. i saw an old friend today and her response was, without hearing any of what has been going on, " for the first time, you don't look sad." i am learning how to express emotions on top of that. it took me feeling the joy of jesus in me and his healing to do that, but man, it's scary.

another thing, today for the first time ( i am having a lot of firsts in this part of my life) a person i look up to told me that were proud of me. it's strange. it almost doesn't register. something to pray about. what is it that God is proud of us? i have been focusing on how God pays for our guilt and shame, but more than just taking care of our shame, he is proud of us. He smiles on us. so, with that said, how do you and i live lives that demonstrate that God, the creator, our father, is proud of us?

gal 3:13 ( a possible future tattoo) jesus redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse.

everything we are, he took care of and gave us everything he was and is. that is a radical idea.

i think i found myself.

i think i lost myself.

i think they are the same.

i work full time now, i am a full time student, i volunteer and mentor every week now. i am resting, i finally found rest. real, rest. not just power naps and long nights sleep. amidst supporting my little sister, taking care of a brother, getting him to detox, paying bills, studying, volunteering. I find rest in everything. i still love a good nights sleep, though.

We often times talk about how, " i have to pursue god first!!!!!!!!! then everything else." i would say that is close, but a dangerous falsehood. i wondered what that meant, but for some reason our very vocabulary has a separation of jesus and everything else. pursuing jesus first does not mean having constant biblestudies. i think i started to change when i realized, you pursue christ IN everything. you pursue christ in everything you do. through christ you can pursue anything. if you aren't pursuing christ in everything, tell me where your line is where you aren't pursing christ, but are pursuing something else for a moment, then will pursue christ when you're done. it doesn't work.

the question i have is where is jesus in your classes, work, social life? How are you pursuing christ in your day to day interactions? how you spend your money? how you spend your time? how you talk? even what you eat... everything is turned over and thrown out the window.

what has jesus thrown out the window for you lately?

what drives a conversation? i love jesus and have for a few years now. for a long time i wondered why jesus never came up naturally in conversations, rather it always seemed to be the things i hate that came up, such as getting shit faced, drugs, and sex. why though? i know that for some reason jesus comes up in conversations now for the first time in a long time with non-christians, but what changed? i became more of a hardass. that is what jesus does to you. He makes you much more of a hardass that is filled with love. to explain that statement, i do not care what another person things about me having a relationship with jesus and wanting to glorify Him, but i was softened in that i love people instead of writing them off if they didn't fit into my category.

People want to be approved of, we desire attention and approval above all. if you are capable of lovingly without being scared or angry tell someone that you don't do what they do, that you live differently, i really have no found someone who has mocked me when i say it lovely and firmly. i am sure there are a few, but in a larger sense, we ask why are this or that, sex or drugs, becoming prominent?

Psalm 12:8
" the wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men." we honor what is against christ and people will proudly display dishonorable behavior because it gets them attention. It is honored, it is praised, it makes us gain approval. that is why people pursue things that are dishonoring. this is the same reason why we try to surround ourselves with a community of christian. to reinforce behavior that is christ like and to hold us accountable to the standards of christ so we may grow. If a community is built on standards that are not christ like, those behaviors are going to be perpetuated. so, as a christian, what do you do?

ask yourself, who is in your community that isn't a christian? how are you displaying and showing the benefits and acceptance in gods own eyes for having a relationship on jesus and laying everything you could not do on the one who could? how does your community display an absolute broken plea for someone who can live what you can't? how does your life and conversations show that you are resting in a person who did everything we cannot?

how do you live your dependence?

there are some days life seems unbearable. today is one of those days. no particular thing happened today, but the overall last week came collapsing on a friday. the end of a week appropriately. the temptation, and my prayer that i don't give in is this: reminiscing on the past. not just things, but emotions, coping mechanisms, people, places, everything.

i am a baby when it comes to emotion, since i am just now experiencing them for the first time. the think about emotions, especially for a person experiencing them for the first time, they are overwhelming. pain is so much greater, but the experiencing of life in general is so much more amazing too. Today was the first overwhelming day and before i would just numb myself. i can at will decide to not feel. just caput, done, that is it. i have been praying and screaming to god to take away numbness, since i started to experience what joy in the spirit really is. the trouble is that now that pain is here, i am actively fighting the part of me that knows numbing myself takes it all away. just a little bit of this and that, and no more do i feel. this pain can leave right now. it is more tempting than any drug i have been on and i have been on a few.

The whole life of christ is so emotional, it is an incredible thing. A story of wrath, love, justice, mercy, forgiveness, compassion, and all of these are done with passion. it is a story that is filled to the brim with emotion. i am just now experiencing what forgiveness and love are. I know the depth of the gospel in a new way because Jesus has brought feeling to my cold heart. I am finally able to experiencing what happiness is. for the first time i am not overwhelmed by depression, for the first time i am able to love my friends and family. love for the first time is an increbable thing. i just wish i could have discovered it before i did so i could show it to more people than i have.

Also, i am finding out that leadership is vulnerability. leadership is constantly being vulnerable. it is, it just is. Vulnerability in sharing you life, your emotion, time, money. building relationships with people so you can know their needs and desires and being open and transparent with your life so they may see though you and see christ in you. for the first time last week i made myself vulnerable. not in the physical sense, but completely opened myself up emotionally to try and show someone christ, since they needed it. Chrsitanity is an honest way of life. not just because we're told not to lie, but in the sense that we have a sovereign God who is above everything. If he is in and controls everything, then everything has meaning. everything in our story is designed to point us back to him. in joy, death, life, depression, suicide, sex, money, loss, fights, marraiges, they all point to him. how will other people see christ unless we show the way our stories point to him? you can't. vulnerability points to christ.

i am growing so much in these things, but oh, it is so hard to continue to grow in emotion when i am fighting the part of me that is the survival side that knows how to get by and go with less suffering. christ brings new highs and new lows, since i am much more sensitive to the world. i don't have anything on my own anymore. father, i rest my plea in you, since i have nothing. i don't. everything i have is yours. please just take it.

So, why do we constantly ask, " what on earth is god doing?" seems like a pretty logical question. the problem is that god works in an absurd way. Saves the world by being born in a barn, becoming a carpenter, and dieing a criminals death. pretty absurd. Throughout the bible god worked in ways that seem absolutely crazy. why should i expect anything different in my life and how he works with me?

So, used to when people won wars, they thought it meant that it was whose god was stronger conquered the people. With that said, God was not concerned about his reputation over the growth of His people. Jeremiah 33:24 " have you noticed that these people are saying, " The lord has rejected the two kingdoms he chose?" People God allowing the conquring of israel and Judah as God's rejection of them and his weakness over other Gods. God didn't consider that something to be worried about though, since the development of the hearts of his love was more important.

god didn't just forgive us, rather he took our shame and put it on his own shoulders so we do not have to live in shame any longer. from the begining to now, God is willing to bear shame. Why do we live in shame and live quiet complacent lives?

the one who was born low
became a carpenter unlike others.
he was exalted, but carried unheard woe
and through this gave us brothers

he worked for one
and served all
his faults were none
but he answered my judgment call

this carpenter was clever
but never duplicit
with his patience
he watched the snake as it bit
and the consequences came in
that seemed to last forever

the greatest thing the carpender built was this
a plan
he made the scales tilt
from deserving death to life

and the one who constructed this great salvation
was abducted by the ones he saved

and through our sin
he created salvation
by killing what we could not win
he saved all creation

we have a personal God. from the beginning to the end, the bible talks about a God pursuing you, pursuing me. God is all knowing, why did he call after adam and eve asking where were they in the garden? it isn't just some random tale, it was to show pursuit. God was looking for them, God desired to find them. God is extremely personal, yet i find that we have separated God and personal. Even in some of the most christian circles, we make God an impersonal thing. How often do we cry to friends? how often do we tear our hearts open to god? emotion is difficult for me, i have no idea what emotion really is, since growing up i got by by making myself completely numb. that is how i coped with abuse. The trouble with being in a constantly numb state is that nothing is really real. nothing registers, everything passes you by and there is no consequence. in relationships, the moments that should make you absolutely rejoice, you treat them the same as when your brother shoots himself. you don't.

we can only convey what we have experienced. I have never experienced unconditional love. it is hard for me to show unconditional love if not impossible. With numbness, for some reason, we cannot choose what to numb, we have to numb everything. My relationships are very two dimensional right now because i have very little attachment to anyone or anything. I trust people with things, but rarely with myself. when i do trust someone with myself, i numb myself to the area i gave them. the result is people think i am personal, when in reality, i am still numb.

have you experienced joy or intense happiness? by joy, i mean something more than being caught up in a moment of just fun. a lasting overpowering happiness? I just experienced joy for the first time. I have not slept for more than several hours a night for weeks. i have been torn up and spent the nights crying out before God asking what else i had to give. i had nothing else to give. i have nothing else to give. weeks went by without seeing an answer. i found one last night. i started to see where my heart was broken and needed healing. Jesus does bring healing, since just from a statistical stand point i am not supposed to be able to function like i am. after seeing the areas i had issues in, seeing what i needed to work on, and i prayed for healing, i experienced joy for the first time. i have never felt emotion strongly, but this, it was over powering. I went around campus, talked to everyone i could find, talked to people before that intimidated me, i have always been scared of people and covered it up by hiding and trying to be intimidating, but i am no longer scared of people. HA! it is amazing.

the depression i have struggled with for my whole life, it isn't just in remission, it is gone. for the first time in my memory i am not depressed. it is not a struggle to get out of bed, to function, to live. I thought wanting to die was normal! ha!

God is faithful and hears your prayers. scream out and open up before him, since he is able. he just rewired how i am built and how i think. why can't he do the same for you?

after a solid day with no relief from depression,not for a minute, after months of struggling, you wonder. oh, how much i wonder. what do i have left to give father. i don't know. at this point i don't. i sincerely do not know what i haven't lifted up to you.

I have struggled with depression since i was a kid. I am starting to credit it almost as a blessing. recently, struggling with lonleyness and depression has been a source of agony that has pushed me to constant prayer. the relationship with jesus that has been busting forth is absolutely astounding. This depression is driving me away from my constant longing to be independent and forcing me to become completely depended on my father, like a child. i am starting to love this i am not in control thing.

The temptation i have with depression is to let it continue. I will struggle to try and be motivated enough to pull myself out of depression and i want to allow myself to wallow in it. I think that is more selfpity and pride making me want to wallow in depression rather than pull myself out.

The only time i haven't been in depression or anxiety is when i am in prayer. it is interesting, since i have been in a state of near constant prayer recently. What is strange about it is how life has changed since i have been praying so much. my mindset is very different and also the way things around me play out is very different as well. The interactions i have had after prayer and the conversations that have opened up have been inline with the prayers i have had. ha. it is as if the sustainer of the world is listening.

Jesus loves me. when i focus on the love of jesus and try to find jesus in life, the depression leaves. as soon as i am focusing and worrying on the things around me again, depression returns. in one way, i hate this, since i am depressed a lot, but in other ways, i have never experienced this close of a relationship with Jesus and i am absolutely crazy about the euphoric love he shows to me. God is close to the broken. i am finding this to be very true and that is a beautiful thing.

To clarify, the reason why i view my being able to wallow in depression more as pride is because i have a way that i know brings healing and i am allowing myself to sit in this office chair and avoid pursuing healing. I want to try and fix or heal my struggles myself and put myself in a higher position than is my own. My place is not the place of God, rather my place is to come before the creator and sustainer with my mess. God requires nothing of me. He gave me the perfect gift of grace that makes me capable of falling before Him and finding my comfort in Him. Nothing is required. I do not earn it. I come before God messy and broken and he loves me and heals me.

in case you were wondering, laundry detergent burns when put into an open wound

i have been reading the book, " the praying life." great book. here are some thoughts directly from the book:

"anxiety separates us and i think anxiety is a god like substance that lacks God like power, wisdom, or knowledge. A godlike substance without godlike abilities is pure tension. Anxiety is self on its own and it tries to get control and makes you unable to relax in the face of chaos. once one problem is solved, another one arises.

it took god to show us not to be godlike. Jesus instead of seeking Independence sought dependence on God. He humbled himself to the cross and broght anxiety on himself so we could be free of it. no longer do we have to be little gods seeking to control everything, instead we cling to our father in the face of chaos by continuously praying. Because we don't have to be in control, we cry out for grace.

psalm 131
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

we become anxious when we take a godlike stance, occupying ourselves with things too great for ourselves. we return to sanity by becoming like little children , resting in our mothers.

habakkuk 1:15-17

15 The wicked foe pulls all of them up with hooks,
he catches them in his net,
he gathers them up in his dragnet;
and so he rejoices and is glad.

16 Therefore he sacrifices to his net
and burns incense to his dragnet,
for by his net he lives in luxury
and enjoys the choicest food.

17 Is he to keep on emptying his net,
destroying nations without mercy?

so, habakukk was saying that the babyalonians worshiped what brought them profit. kind of interesting to see, since when you think of it, we all do the EXACT same thing. When you think of it, what devours our attention? for me, the struggle of not letting my mind be devoured by the oh so uncertain financial situations i am in now, the uncertain relationships i am in, the moving of siblings, the death of friends, all these things. they don't just prick my attention, but combined, they devour my mind. Then came the realization that that is most of what worship is, in the biblical sense.

The reason why i think having your mind devoured is a lot of what worshiping is, is this: Christianity is a relationship with jesus, not a practice, it is living. the acts of service that we try and force ourselves to do,sicne we feel commanded to do them, why is it that i get feelings of guilt when i do not do these acts of service? I mean, jesus bears my guilt and my shame. so, why do i have guilt attacking me? simple, i am putting it on myself and am thinking that i owe God something, when in reality, i owe God nothing. A free gift of grace was given to me that i not only cannot pay back, but have no obligation to pay it back. The act of love makes me desire to give myself to God in everything, but i have no obligation to. This gift does not bind me to anything.

The center of the christanity is relationship. What is the primary thing that we use to build relationships? communication. with that said, that makes prayer and the bible the center of the christian life. Prayer is how we communicate with God and the bible is one of many ways he communicates with us. With that said, what is it like when you start talking to someone, spending time with them, and actually start to get to know them? isn't like an incredibly emotional high that just carries you? there is so much happening, you are getting to know them in so many ways that you just never saw possible before when you were just looking at them. That is what prayer has done. realizing that the way i used to formally and systematically pray, if i talked to my girlfriend that way, she would think i was crazy and stupid. Why do we surpress the things that worry us most and try to get the things that we think are good out in prayer first, this or that, God says he wants to meet the desires of our heart. David pranced around naked to praise God and God saw it fit to slam that into the bible. so, obviously there is something to be said for spontaneity in worship, let alone in conversation.

Relationships affect every area of our life and lifestyle. There is nothing that is left untouched in a healthy relationship, marriage consumes you. Marriage is supposed to be a thing that is an analogy of Christ's relationship for the church, that's you and me buddy. Christ is absolutely devoted and occupied with us, hell, that is why the bible was written, for a relationship with us. The bible is pretty consuming. All this said, relationship is the basis of Christnaity, to worship God is to have a relationship with him and to grow in him through that relationship. In my opinion, to worship God is the be consumed by him. We worship was we see the most profit in, jobs, money, sex, ect. What is all of our profit is coming from christ? kind of makes us worship him by default, doesn't it?

so, desperation blinds us. a girl desperate for guy attention throws herself on guys not seeing who he actually is and what he is after. Guys desperate for girl attention do the same. this isn't just a flaw in relationships, it is a flaw in everything we pursue. money, fame, careers, sex, even family, religion, everything. This is why christianity is so unique and so, oh so strange. come up with an example other than jesus that doesn't blind us when we are obbsessed with it? i can't think of any and believe me i have tried.

When you are constantly pursue Jesus and growing in him, my obsession with Him has not blinded me, rather it has opened my eyes. Not just opened them to my own self, rather how i see everyone has changed and i am more capable to love them. The obsession with Jesus does not make me exclusive, like other obsessions and relationships. An obsession with Jesus opens you up to everyone. This is why the obbsession is so strange. Usually if you are obsessed, you have less time for other things, rather, i find that as i grow more in Jesus, i have more time and emotions for others. It creates more in me.

Growing in Jesus is to become united with the one who created everything. The only way to have any originality or original thought is to be united with the one who can create. Sin can only distort and misuse what He already created. Jesus is strange. the more i grow in him, the more confused and in love i become with him.

There comes a time when you sit down and you realize that you have been running. the concept of running is a strange thing. well, when you are running from an idea in your head it is a very strange thing indeed. Running from your head means numbing, laying around, distracting. these take on a multitude of forms. running means numbing, making yourself busy, making yourself be constantly wrapped up, even being lazy is a form of running.

I have a week or so, give or take, of free nothing to do time. My first instinct, after working my ass off at a summer camp. I exhausted myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally for 8 weeks. 8 long weeks. 2 of those weeks were by choice i went to camp volunteering to beat myself senseless with physical labor. why? why do i always do? why do i always rush? why why why?

When you find yourself sitting down, with no plans ahead, and you begin to panic, you know you have a problem. I suddling realized, there was something deeply wrong with me. i work hard, i love people hard, i enjoy these things, but i was unable to sit down and just relax and enjoy the days work. Solomon said that the best thing for a man to do was to work hard, then go home and eat and drink. i was unable to just enjoy what God has given me.

So, the realization that God of all people is my father. I had no father growing up, i still don't have a strong male figure involved in my life. that is rough. it is. Trying to figure out your spirituality on your own, trying to seperate your mental image of your earthly father from your heavenly father, all these things are just the tip of it. I realized i always struggled to pray my things to god. meaning, telling god, " this is yours. do what you will." i thought that if i told god to do what he wanted, he would do what displeased me. I was scared to give things to him, not only just because i was selfish, but on top of that, i thought he would take things just because i loved them. this may seem like such a stupid realization to you, but for me, this was my concept of God. i interacted with fear between me and god. i feared him instead of respected him as a father. i was scared of him.

I have been praying for the past few days that god would reveal why i was running, since i reconized i was running just because i have grown accustom to spotting when i am hiding something in my heart. then i realized that i was scared more of just loosing what i was lifting up in prayer to god, but i was scared of God. Growing up i was scared of adults because of my parents. i thought all adults were like them and were violent. i never realized that this carried over to my view of God.

to sum it up, i figured that out.

Jesus is an interesting thing. He softens my heart in ways that are hard to explain. i find myself in the repeating pattern of hardening my heart until jesus invades and melts my heart again. As my pride trys to build me up once again, i have to be melted and reduced to a puddle once more. i find though, it is in my puddle like states, that i can admit i am a puddle, that christ is glorified to most. Since, well, i am a puddle. that is why the gospel is just so flippin-fan-tastic. The absolute worthlessness of my heart in its original state and in it's continuing state is why i am fascinated with the gospel. To understand how great God is, i have to see how great my sin is. As i grow closer to Christ there is a much greater contrast between who i was and who i am, but more importantly, i see my sin in a much brighter light than i did before. Christ increases the contrast between who god is and who i am. The only way i ever understood that i was depraved in anyway was when Christ first illuminated my life. he is the reveler of all those deep and hidden things i didn't know were there. yeah. he is good at that.

Life is broken, life is a struggle for me. existing doesn't really happen. financial issues, relational issues, the slow and not inevitable cycle of ending my relationship with my parents, trying to find a job, paying my bills, trying to find a counselor, all these things. they hurt, they suck, they make me struggle. David struggled, i figured he would have an idea of what to do. Usually he cried out before God. got that down. the crying part that is. the more interesting thing to me wasn't always what he did, rather what he plea was in some of his psalms

psalm 79:9
Help us, O God our Savior,
for the glory of your name;
deliver us and forgive our sins
for your name's sake.

psalm 25: 11
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

He rests his plea on God's own name. God loves you and me not because of who we are, but because of who HE IS. It is his own nature that causes him to love us. God love and mercy go before us in everything and he sees his mercy first. before my own problems, my guilt, my selfishness, my ass like nature, comes God's own mercy. that is hope. since i am guilty and i see my sin in a new light constantly and the guilt often seems overbearing, but the absolute reassurance that god's love is based on him, not me, is heart melting comfort. God breaking me and loving me seem very similar now, since they are tied. The same thing happens when i am being broken or i am realizing his deep deep and full love of me, i melt. all those barriers i put up vanish and for awhile, i am honest about my life to everyone and through my weakness show christ instead of my alleged strength.

i have said my fill.

Day 22- june 8th
I have had my campers for a day and some change. I have an amazing cabin. Absolutely amazing kids. Two of the kids come from previously abusive homes and I have one kid that I know has a horrible relationship with his dad. The time that I get to know the kids the best is during the bible studies that I lead at night with my cabin. All of the kids are very open to the bible and what I am talking about in it and most of my kids have grown up in church and know a lot of this and that about theology and a few have a very open and sincere relationship with Christ and it shows in every area of life at camp. The thing that wrenches my heart is that there are kids that have never seen any actually christnains in their life. It is horrifying to realize that I am the best chance they have of seeing Christ in their life, possibly until next summer when they come back to camp. I am not struggling with the kids, but I am strugglingwith my own heart and my body. Physically I am sick, but not reporting it, since I don’t want to be pulled from my cabin. I love my kids too much to leave them for a day or two. I am struggling to find time for good prayer and bible reading. I have no excuse except my own weak heart. I am going to go start praying over my bible study for tonight. I don’t know what to do for the kids who have bad homesituations. It is just so hard to watch and just love and trust that God is building something better through this. I just struggle to see these kids like this.

Day 23- june 9th.
So, I started reading revalation and haven’t been able to put it down. The verse that struck me the hardest is when jesus talks about how he would prefer if people were either hot or cold, not luke warm. If you’re luke warm, he will spit you out. I realize that I have been treating my campers much like intense babysitter, not as a ministry. As a whole staff we have been cought up in building our own relationships and not focusing on the campers at all. We have been a very luke warm staff so far. Later on in revalations 3 it talks about how those who overcome have a spot on gods throne with jesus. We are seated as kings and we are living in such a way that is completely forsaking that great gift. My heart is so cold and no where near as passionate about campers as I should be. This is a ministry and the place where I can share oh so openly how passionate I am about chirst. Yet, I barely do.
Day 24 june 10th
I talked to my boss about the staff and myself being inpassionate and luke warm, since honestly, there are very few people on staff this year who are passionate. There are a lot of people here that I know love the campers and have the most sincere desire to love them, but aren’t. so, I have been talking to those people and they have been responding well and are in the same boat that I am and have been thankful to hear someone else struggling with lack of passion.
I have been praying for my heart to be made sensitive about my campers needs and desires and to be given the ability to meet them. Wow… prayer always strikes me as strange, since it is answered. I have never been ripped apart so hard by just being around kids. One kid has an eating disorder and I find him, after every meal, throwing up in the bathroom since for some reason he hates eating. He is twelve and so malnourished, not be lack of food, but because he refuses to eat anything. He is so tiny, since he has no nutrition. Today at breakfast, Daniel, my camper, ate half of a waffle, and then went to the bathroom. He goes to the bathroom after and during every meal. I got suspicious about his “bathroom habits” and then started to follow him to the bathroom and heard his gagging and throwing up… there is nothing I can do to help him really besides talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear anything. His parents know about all of this, but haven’t pursued anything to really fix this, they just let him eat how he wants to eat.
Day 25 june 11th
I am sick again. The lack of sleep and the high stress levels of camp make everyone sick very quickly. I am staying in the cabin and just taking a lot of advil and sinus medicine. So far I feel decent enough it hasn’t effected how I interact with campers. Hopefully on the weekend I will be able to sleep well enough to get well. I hate so badly having to get a new group of campers. I don’t want to leave the ones I have now. It is so hard to separate after attaching yourself to them for a week and then be thrown into a new cabin on kids. I don’t know how go about it easily. Since, I can make myself numb, but then I am insincere and not a good example of Christ, but if I am sincere, it hurts so bad to see all of them go and then get another group in, attach, break, attach, break, repeat.
Day 27- june 13th
A new group of campers. It is so hard to break and attach. I have had this new group for a day and they are so different than the last group. The last group was thirsty and eager to always grab something more about Christ. This group is easy to babysit, they are easy to please, they are easy to watch, but they are oh so hard to minister to. I can’t really minister to them, since they are already filled with what they want. It is so discouraging to have a group that pretty openly doesn’t want to hear anything that pertains to gospel. I am quickly realizing that the thirst of the campers last week had nothing to do with me, rather it was all god working through me. My Co-counselor and I are doing the same thing this week as last week, but nothing is happening in their hearts like it was last week. I realize that I am a tool, not the wielder.
Day 28 june 15th
This cabin is very easy to babysit, but there is no thirst for the gospel. It is almost depressing, since I am trying to hard to show them the gospel, but there is no interest. It feels like I am hitting a wall over and over. I am exuasted from opening up, I am still sick and I put so much energy into them and nothing is happening in their hearts. Nothing at all. I am been praying and begging god for seeds to be planted and for their hearts to open up all week, but nothing has happened yet.
Day 29 june 16th.
I don’t know what you believe, since you are reading this, on satan and demons and how active they are… last night I was asleep and my Co woke me up saying there was something strange going on. A camper walked across a pitch black room and was laying his hands on my co’s face. The kid responded to all the questions in a monotone voice saying “ no.” then he walked to his bed and went back to sleep. Five minutes later, another kid got out of his bed and walked to matt to lay hands on his face, that kid went back to bed. Then another, and another, and another. All 12 kids were sitting up, one at a time, in bunk order, getting up. Matt and I paniced and jumped in our counselor corner. Huddled together we started praying and crying. After praying and yelling in the name of jesus for this thing to leave, we got up and prayed over every camper and laid hands on them praying while they slept. Two and a half hours later the kids went back to normal and the crickets started chirping again and the frogs started crocking, we didn’t realize it until they started back, but there had been no noise, at all, in the cabin or outside.
On a less demonic note, my unit director has been asking me to take more of a leadership role and I have been trying to be more of a spiritual leader in the unit by openly confronting people, since we have had a lot of luke warm attitudes, including myself, that have effected camp in a lot of negative ways. It is a little more depressing being in a leadership role rather than being led. When you’re trying to be more of a leader, you are slightly removed from the group and you see a lot more sin in yourself and in the people you are trying to lead. It is so painful to see though.

Day 13- may 31st
Today was the first day of running a camp schedule, which means we have to start getting up at 6 every day and we have meetings until 10:30pm today. It was a long, but good day. We went to a local observatory today, which was quite a treat. French camp, ms is the least light polluted place in the midsouth, so, there is a large federal grant for observatory equipment. There were two profesors there who are world renound for their work in astronomy. They went and explained how big space it and everything. It was extremely humbling to realize that I live in one of the smallest planets and there are millions that we don’t know about out there. A God created this and still has enough love to care for me as a person and wants to have a personal relationship with me. It is humbling to realize how small I am.
Day 14 june 1st.
Today was a day where I could barely wake up, even though it is Sunday, there is still a full day planned. We got 2 hours off today since it in Sunday, but still, it isn’t a restful sabath. There was no manual labor done, rather just meetings and paper work. There is some grumbling in the guys unit about some volunteers that have been working here. Mostly just one guys has been causing some issues with the volunteers. Hopefully it will pass over, but I doubt it will. I will see where it goes before I talk to anyone about it. Today my struggle is keeping a good attitude inspite of my lack of sleep. I have been put in a leadership position, since I have the most cabin experience in the guys unit this year. It is a year with a lot of new staff. Realizing that even though I may feel like crap, I need to keep my attitude very positive because people are looking up to me.
Day 15 june 2nd
I didn’t get to bed until late tonight. I was walking around the campus of CRS before I went to bed praying over the campus and over the buildings. As I was walking another guy was walking and we started talking. We talked for upwards of three hours. Mostly he talked and I listened, but I had been praying for God to show the needs of the people around me and for me to be able to meet their needs. Which was interesting, since as I was praying that this conversation was struck up. This was a guy I have known for 4 years and never seen him break down, since he is very much so an introvert, but he broke down and was trying to get to his cabin unnoticed so he wouldn’t break down infront of people. One of the most common things that happens at camp is that people see their sin in a new light than they did before and they actually see their sin. People act like mirrors and when you are in a place where everyone is reflecting Christ, it is a convicting environment.
Day 16 june 2
I have been sleeping in meetings recently, not intentionally, but sleeping nonetheless. It has been a struggle to stay awake due to the massive amount of material being covered. However, despite my tiredness, it was an exciting day. The guy I am paired with is a great guy and I have known of him for awhile, but never actually gotten to know him until now. He has been dating one of my close friends for awhile, which is how I know him. We went on the staff campout where we will take out campers every Monday and it had been raining for a while, so, we cheated on building the fire and used paper towels to start it, since neither of us felt like starting it with just twigs in the rain. Both of us have done it before and are capable to starting a fire in the rain, but neither of us felt enough enthusasism for the outdoors to do that.
The more I get to know matt, the more I like him, but also the more I worry for him. He changed his life in a lot of ways and grew closer to Christ because of his changes. What he based the reason for changing his life on is a temporary thing, a girl. I worry that if his relationship ends he will go back to what he was doing. Since he still struggles with addictions, even though he hasn’t been on anything for a year.
Day 17 june 3rd.
Today was the second to last passion play practice. It is probably the night where campers are the most open to hearing the gospel, since all week we have been trying to demonstrate the gospel to them and show it to them in practice, but this is the clearest presentation of the gospel. While we were practicing it, almost all of our hearts were not in the play and we were, all of us as a staff, joking during it. After one run through, one staff member started praying and a few of us felt guilty for treating this so lightly and started asking other staff members to take it more seriously. After this, one long time member sat everyone down and basically told us we have no excuse for acting so jokingly during this. After she talked to us everyone took is seriously and I have never felt so low during the passion play. The story of my savior was something I was taking lightly. Strangely enough, in all this, I play the Sanhedrin who arranged for Christ death.
Day 18 june 4th
Today my alarm went off for 10 minutes before I woke up. I am getting sick, I am exuasted, and campers aren’t even here. In the past few days several staff members, who are older than I am, have been coming to me asking me for advice, but also confiding in me with their personal lives and also in their concerns and issues for camp. The problem with a staff member and the volunteers is still going on. After talking to my unit director and another staff member talking to the unit director the issue was addressed and it seems to have mostly been resovled.
Today I trained several people in how to sail and in how to teach camp skills, and several other activities. Today is the last full day of training. I have an appointment to talk to the director about issues in the guys unit on Saturday. I have a lot of respect for the director and am looking forward to talking to her.
To end the last full day of training, all the guys went for a midnight swim and we sang cheesy 90’s pop songs on the floating dock to the girls unit. It is one of the many strange bonding times that have been a crs tradition for years.
Day 19 june 5th
Today we have half the day off and half of Sunday off. I spent the entire day sleeping and then I woke up for supper, ran to walmart and around 9:30 met with the director. There have been some issues in years past with the guys unit when there either isn’t a UD who builds solid relationships with the unit or there isn’t time to build solid relationships. The authority card really doesn’t work well at camp, since every staff member is so desperately needed, it is rare and difficult to fire someone. I talked to carrie about the schedule and how there needs to be more down time for the sake of building relationships with staff from the prospective of the leadership staff. She agreed and asked how I was doing and how I was handling the year and my thoughts on the rest of camp and such. I have a lot of respect for the directors openness and her love for camp.
Day 20 june 6th.
Campers are coming in two hours… I dunno if I am ready for that yet. I have 12-13 year olds, the oldest group of kids on CRS campus. Pray Christ works through me and I loose myself in all this.